Dr Madhumati Singh, a renowned clinical psychologist and currently a senior psychologist at Samvedna Psychological Center, has been practicing for 18 years. Her areas of specialisation include teenage adjustment, rehabilitation, family therapy, marriage counselling, de-addiction, adolescent sexuality and inter-personal problems. In a live chat on IBNlive on Thursday, Dr Singh exchanged her views on sex education in India. Here is the full transcript of the chat:
Naren: Is sex education so important? (Not that I am against it). We never had any formal sex education but learnt it through friends, magazines etc. Why all this hue and cry about sex education?
Dr Madhumati Singh: No hue and cry. Just talking about it and trying to form an objective platform without guilt and shame and of course keeping all our Indian culture in mind.
Aslam Khan: My son is aged 13 and is studying in Class VIII. We are based in Sharjah. Given a chance he watches only Cartoon Network. While we watch some English Movies, during any love making scenes he just walks out. We don’t discuss any sex matters. Please let me know how to educate him.
Dr Madhumati Singh: So his curiosity in sex is yet to come. That’s perfectly okay. Go along and be there for the child. Don’t get embarrassed with sexual topics and he will ask you when he is ready.
Sharma: Dr Madhumati, In your view, by ensuring sex education, are we really helping the society? Let me explain. If a child is sexually molested by a relative (at home), do you believe that just by teaching sex education he/she is going to complain about this incidence? Shouldn't the intervention of parents come into picture and is a MAJOR reason why our children are facing such problems?
Dr Madhumati Singh: If the child is informed what are the sexual advances.and how to keep away from it she would be better equipped to nip it in the bud. Sexual molestation begins in an unassuming way and advances fast and yes, parents should keep full tab on who/where his child is, all the time till he/she is an adult.
Sunny: How to tell a girl of six about sex. Can I openly speak with her?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes. Only if she wants to hear you. Don’t overwhelm her..
Tanha: Hello Dr Madhumita. My question is rather strange, I believe. I want to concentrate on my career growth, but I am too obsessed with sexual thoughts. I am 25, is this common for people of my age is there a way to overcome this? I do meditation, yoga, workouts everything but its becoming harder to control my perverted mind. As a consequence I am having a drastic impact on my job front and my inter-personal relation in the corporate world. I am struggling with this issue for a long time and am unable to overcome it. Hope you will provide a good advice. I don’t want to marry unless I am settled in a position that would satisfy my career interests. So please recommend anything other than marriage.
Dr Madhumati Singh: You are not alone in this problem situation. There are lots but only that they don’t seek help. Sexual thoughts are part of our primary or basic need (like eating etc). It’s got to have an outlet. You need to put your obsessive thoughts on hold because that’s YOUR CHOICE (focus on career) Masturbation is a safe outlet. Do consult a sexologist if need be.
Nidhi: How and when should I educate my daughter about periods?
Dr Madhumati Singh: The onset of menarchy is around 12 yrs onwards. Your daughter should be educated about it a little before that- a year before that. You can take cues from their text books and then explain in your own language reassuring her that it’s okay.
San: Due to lack of sex education in our society the worst affected are the girls who either don’t have proper knowledge or they are misled by the society .Can you please advice everyone of the ways in which a girl can protect herself from been sexually exploited.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Girls (and boys) need to be educated from parents to begin with. Close physical proximity with a male (other than immediate family) to be under supervision, she should be informed about genital hygiene etc.
Pavit :Dr Singh, If we look around us, the children are more aware about sex (due to media exposure) as compared to what we were at that time. Why such a trouble about Sex Education? On the contrary this can create more aware and responsible generation.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes. Kids are more aware. That’s why some correct and some incorrect info filters in. Incidence of sexual abuse have always been and will be in any society at a given point of time. So we need to be better equipped to cope with too much info.
TM: which is the right age for girl child to be informed on this: My daughter is in Class X. She knows some and if I tell the whole thing about, she will brood over this topic and will have more questions and her attention will be diverted from her studies, I feel.
Dr Madhumati Singh: You don’t have to tell if she doesnt ask. Yes generally kids work around a balanced approach to sex. They may not have ALL the answers and that’s okay.
Jyoti: All said and done, I am not sure how do I talk about sex with my adolescent children , how do I handle them with 'What’s right' and 'what’s wrong as there is no clear cut line which says this is right and this is wrong ? How do I make them understand to stick to 'whats right' as per me?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Talk to them with reference to any life situation, keep an open communication, so that kids trust you and have confidence in you. Rest is smooth functioning. You don’t have to do more than that.
Swami: Hi Dr Singh. I'm in complete favor of sex education for school going kids, but who can draw the line what is good and in 'limits'? Any authority or panel? Or will there be no consensus ever?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes. It is all in formative stages and right now pretty haphazard.
Mesha: Will words like masturbation and arousal create such a big negative problem on students minds? Should they be removed from curriculum?
Dr Madhumati Singh: A rose is a rose. An apple is called an apple. Then why should masturbation be called anything else? Negative will be that the student has vaguely heard it and is gulity about it because it is sexual in nature and it stays in his mind like the forbidden fruit and all kinds of thought keep this person preoccupied.
Kavitha: Hello Doctor, I am having an itching problem near and around my urinary area and because of this I am not able to cope with my husband. I visited a doctor she told me it was because of fungus infection. I was given some tablet and ointment and told to stay away from my husband for 10 days. It was okay but after sometime I am faced the same problem. Can you please suggest some solution. There are also some small stone like formations near the urination area.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Please go for a medical examination. See a gynecologist as soon as possible.
Ron Sanders: In India, we have so many castes and people are from the very poor to the very rich. And there are people who are completely westernized who do not mind their children even have sex provided it is safe. And there area religious lot who consider sex after marriage is to pro-create. Isn't it not difficult to have a program which will suit this wide spectrum?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes. It is very tough. That’s why programme of sex education has to be culture and religious sensitive and has to be modified as per the target group (just like we did to HIV programme in India).
Raj Singh: Is it okay to have sex for guys after 21 and girls after 18 , using appropriate precautions?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Having sex means taking full responsibility for the relationship one is getting into and as adults we should be fully aware of our choices.
Confused: Dr Singh sex education is a great idea, I myself favour it because I had little clue about the birds and bees things till the time I turned 18. Having said that is there any foolproof way of providing sex education without making it appear too simplistic for the children to try it out just for the heck of it. Many countries where sex education is provided also suffer from a high degree of unwarranted pregnancy and casual sex matters, which might be a hot potato to handle in India.
Dr Madhumati Singh: We have so much awareness campaigns and crores of money out in HIV and its prevention and yet we have HIV cases. There are bound to be fallouts but what’s the need of the hour? TV and Internet has brought all that was 'far' from our kids to right into our homes into the kids minds.
sures: What do you mean by sex education?
Dr Madhumati Singh: It means being objectively aware of what happens to us while we are growing and funny 'sensations' happen to us.
Schemer: We are taught about the reproduction system in our biology books. Why is it necessary to have sex as a separate subject?
Dr Madhumati Singh: It’s not necessary. Just that the biology teacher needs to take on this chapter clinically and objectively (and not skip part of the matter. Yes, some of them actually do that.
Schemer: Is it not much more important to teach morals and ethics to the kids?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes. Sex education means working within the moral and values.
Amiya Das: Don't you think it is most important to make the parents aware of the problem rather than making it a syllabus in school?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Isn’t part of it already there in the biology books?and yes I agree that parents need to be trained first to handle sex awareness in a natural way
Sunil: We in India never had sex education from ages and still we are a bunch of matured sex practioners . In western countries sex education has been prevailing for a long time and still there is a rise in premature sex practioners in the west. Do we need to adopt this in our culture and spoil it? Already sex has been given it's due publicity do we need to still increase it .
Dr Madhumati Singh: Difficult to say when is it 'increased' and when it 'decreased'. Sex education of the western model does not suit us. We need to modify it to make it culture sensitive. Maybe work more with parents to help build a secure and communicative relation with their kids.
Anjali: is educating a child in a co-ed environment helps in understanding the sex-related problems?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Co-ed gives an opportunity to interact with boys and girls thus giving a healthy platform to learn about aspects of life, in co-ed the environment to 'experiment' is more volatile and dynamic.
kl:Why do we think so much before using the word ‘Sex’?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Because we see it as some extra-terrestrial thing.
Sri:The same media that promotes sex education also promotes misunderstanding and big fear in the mind of young children regarding masturbation and sex, making them to think that sex is a word of curse.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Media promotes misunderstanding? I thought they clarify more than confuse. Confusion may occur if the information is not clinically and medically correct, that’s why resource persons dealing with sex education should be qualified and trained persons.
Faiz: In India it seems like girls are less educated in sex? Do you have the same perception?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Girls are lesser informed about sex in India because they generally lead a protected life and lots of restraints.
Faiz: We have seen that teachers are shy to discuss sex education in classes, don't you think that it is a major issues caused by this. How can this be resolved?
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Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes. Sex education programmes have sensitizing programmes for teachers and parents and once that is successful we can sit back for a while about sex education because these are the major contact point of a child to learn about this subject.
Sadanand: If you go into the Indian history 50 or 60 years back, we have seen teenage marriages, marriages at the age of 10 to 15 year. What was the method of educating children about sex back then.?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Trial and error. Just like its happening now too. That’s not our major concern. Our concern is to provide a platform of objective information about sex to people who seek it. 50-60 years ago, there was no hope for childless couples and contraception was barely around. Thank goodness, each society is evolving and improving. Sex education is one such step to improvement.
Rightsaidfred: Talking about child abuse. It’s a hidden but very prevalent facet of our society. And the worse part is that mostly the perpetrators are relatives. Do you think sex education at an early age will help hamper this ugly reality which permeates our society?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Thanks for being an enlightened person (parent?). Yes, sex education empowers kids to understand the sexual connotations and how to protect one self.
Kirti: How do we talk to our kids about sex education?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Just like you talk about fractions, Indian Subcontinent, living and non-living things.
Sudha: Doc, educating school children is important, at the same time, can this be started from parents’ side? There is nothing to shy about this, since sex is a normal activity. Father to son, mother to daughter can be easily thought of, but how can you make parents to do this?
Dr Madhumati Singh: That’s why sex education has modules for parents who need to be trained to impart sex education to their kids.
Amit: 'Scientific sex education', what exactly are the components of this term, much debated and hurled into controversies?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Giving objective and correct information based on scientific research, also making it culture and religion specific.
Steven: How to tackle an adolescent girl's infatuation for a boy?
Dr Madhumati Singh: It’s normal to be attracted emotionally and physically to the opposite sex. It’s great to feel one is in 'love', but believe me, it’s your hormones doing the trick. Infatuation is similar high. The girl should not go bowled over. She should go slow into the relationship since this age one is very vulnerable looking for approval
Narasimman: I do agree that the sex education is good thing and must for future kids especially in Indian towns and villages. From what age should the sex be taught and what method(s) and up to what level they sholud be taught sex?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Sex becomes a non issue if the kids are frank with parents and parents have an open communication with kids. Generally kids become curious about issues on sex when they begin to explore their sexual organs (age three or so). But not all kids have questions. Sex education is a continuous process. Right through teen age and early adulthood.
Bnmjm: Which is the ideal age to start the education for kids
Dr Madhumati Singh: There is no 'ideal' age - the age is when the kid has a question and has a reassuring and open relationship with his parents.
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PKS: We are parents of a six-year-old boy and 4 year old girl, we think we are open minded with good communication between us. When and how do we talk about sex with our kids?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Please don’t get worried. Just keep up the great relationship that you have built with your kids. They will not hesitate to ask you any question when they are ready with one. Also it helps to mention off hand or in context to a movie etc) where aspects of sex pops up. Dont have to tell if there are no answers. One very important thing you can do is maintain and educate good hygiene..esp to their sexual organs(girls and boys)hope you know what and how.
Dr Madhumati Singh: I agree. Teachers need to be trained and so do the parents who freeze at the word 'sex'.
Surabhi: How much should a girl confide in her mother? Don't you think giving sex education to a teenage mind can lead to experimentation and since knowledge will be limited in most cases, problems like teenage pregnancy, spreading of STD's can increase?
Dr Madhumati Singh: A girl can only confide in her mum if they share a trusting and respectful relationship. It’s the mum who needs to build on the relationship much earlier so that the girl can confide in her. Sex education does not mean anything an everything about sex. It means having answers WHERE there are questions, many a times one has a fair idea about sex and we manage okay.
Sanjeev: I am 15. Tell me which age we can have safe sex.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Keeping the Indian 'values' in mind, the best age to have sex is when you are an adult and take some amount of emotional responsibility and commitment towards that relationship, but clinically speaking, its safe when sex is safe (condom)when the body is ready. Generally boys begin to have erection (sexual arousal) 12 yrs onwards
Jack: Hi, how exactly does HIV virus spread from having sex with infected person, as there is no blood exchange. If it is through the body fluids then why doesn't it spread through oral sex, as I know saliva also has the virus.
Dr Madhumati Singh: With anal sex some injury may take place, leading to infection from blood, just like some rashes can happen having regular sex, thus increasing the risk of HIV.
Viswanathan: In India, the total percentage of people in the age of 15 to 25years is 50%. So if this so called Sex Education has to be brought into, then we have the risk of putting the moral values of the 50% of population in jeopardy whom the future India depends for its growth both culturally and economically. When Sex is more about feelings that could not be taught as a subject. May be they can teach Moral science in which they can teach about what are the moral ways to lead life. I don’t think there is any person who gets married and feels he doesn’t know to have sex. Then why bring it as a subject. Sex will be experienced and learnt in the right age at the right time. If the argument goes like, When everything is available in Internet why should not they learn as a subject then I would say only one thing, If some kid goes to know about sex through Internet, then it is more seen as an enjoyment for that person. I think this is a very fragile and important subject to be learnt from a proper source which could be none other than their parents.
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Dr Madhumati Singh: Well said. About parents being sole incharge - afterall they impart rest of the values too. It’s not true that all married persons 'know' how to have sex. 20% of married couples have sexual dysfunction one one or the other kind. I agree that most of us come around the problems of sex, but what about the rest of us? A youngster spends a lot of energy with trial and error- obsessive about sex, fantasising and day dreaming about the 'unreal' and 'real'. If this process can become simplified, what’s the harm?
Basheer: Do u think that giving sex education in schools may lead them, thinking in different manner..(I mean in co-educated schools)
Dr Madhumati Singh: At a given point in time, the population will have a fragment of 'the borderline' or 'delinquents' or 'bold' 'rash' 'aggressive' people. Yes, some fallouts are bound to occur, but the benefits outnumber.
Vivek: Hi, I am 23 year old. My question is to question the integrity of the so-called "need" in bringing the sex education. Don’t you think this is almost going to westernise our Indian society when the foreign soil tends to come closer to our Indian Culture. Do you think the school children really need this. One important fact that upholds our Indian Tradition until now for donkey years is the things those of which should be shared in privacy should not be made public. If this sex education is so vital and inevitable why not this was there during the days of Gurukuls? Why now? I feel we are now finding a wrong solution to a problem. By bringing Sex education it is going to make things much more worse by allowing the school children to talk things freely about sex and there will no sense of guilt if a guy or gal is going to have a one night stands coz everything have come in open. If u have to address some problem related to teens and sex that should be only thru the parental nurturing. Not thru a separate subject called sex education. If that is very necessary so as to give the teens some decent idea about sex then the so-called topics like masturbation, orgasms or Pictorial representations should not be there. These are too advanced for these students to know at their age.
Dr Madhumati Singh: In days bygone, things have happened as trial and error..many are still doing that and there is no harm. If an adult chooses to 'be informed' and 'not be informed'. But taking sex by its tail begins as early as five years or so sex has to be understood just like any other subject. Without getting 'emotional' and 'subjective'. Do we get 'upset' when we read King Ashoka quests to his transformation? It’s part of the subject (history) so let sex education be part of 'life skills'.
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Mathieu: What about kids keep browsing channels when elders are not present and change to some cartoon channels immediately as soon as somebody comes in.
Dr Madhumati Singh: That’s a closed minded family. We are talking about where parents have a great deal to work in most of values inculcated in kids are from parents. Most parents have a huge mental block about sex and thus poor communication between the kids and thus they HIDE and do things. Sex is part of growing up, isn’t it?
Shweta: Don’t you think it will be harming values and cultures as India is a very conservative society?
Dr Madhumati Singh: We have to minimize 'harm' by making info on sex culture sensitive, keeping the religious and regional nuances in mind.
Shweta: By banning sex education its promoting and encouraging sexual activities and incidents with girls.
Dr Madhumati Singh: That’s not correct. No research validates that the exploration in sex is bound to happen with AND without sex education.
Pramod: Sex education should be banned in India.
Dr Madhumati Singh: What would happen to gross misunderstanding about sex like masturbation makes a person weak and one can get pregnant with a kiss.
Dinesh: It is also an important subject that has to be added in the school syllabus. But the thing is the class and the age criteria that the school or any other management has to decide.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes, efforts are made to hold sensitising programmes in schools to impart scientific information about sex with the help of experts.
Nagesh: I think sex education is a must and should be taken separately in classes (boys and girls) to avoid embarrassment and by a lady teacher for girls and male teacher for boys.
Dr Madhumati Singh: initially the sessions are held separately but slowly they are integrated..coz sex is all about being comfy with your types and the opposite, isn’t it?
Reddy: Don't you think that children in adolescent age needs proper sex education? So that they know what is correct.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes, kids are ready to know about sex when they are ready with an answer about sex as early as 2 yrs!!). We need to have involved parents and teachers in helping impart sex education age specific.
Akshit: I am not a kid and neither am I a parent. Just wanted to know why we are being such hypocrites. We are shamed of discussing sex in schools and wiping out sex education from the syllabus as if we do not have sex. But the irony is we are multiplying like a bacterium which is a known fact.
Dr Madhumati Singh: I agree with you totally. We need to have a scientific matter on sex education and yes kids as early as nine years are experimenting with sex.
Madhumati Singh’s parting message: Thanks everybody for joining this chat. It was really wonderful discussing this issue with you all. A whole lot of personal experiences came out and some of the responses have, in fact, enriched my own understanding of the situation. I tried to answer as many questions as I could within this small duration. But there are hundreds of more questions which have been left unanswered. We will have more such occasions to discuss these and many more issues on the IBNlive chatroom sometime soon.
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