How to Start a New Life with a Negative Past

Working Toward a Better Future

Set goals for yourself. Think about what it is that you want to achieve that will make your future better than your present and past circumstances. Write down clear, concise goals you can work towards. Make sure your goals are realistic, specific, measurable, time-based and achievable. Consider also the things that you DON’T want in your life. Start work on one goal at a time. Break your goals into small, manageable steps. These will help you accomplish your goals over time.

Gather a support system. Think of people who will be a good influence on you and help you accomplish your goals. If you’re moving to a new place and don’t have many friends, consider maintaining contact with some of your old good friends and also making new ones. Reach out to family who have been loving and supportive of you in the past. Nurture your relationship with them; be honest, trustworthy and kind -- this will show them you want to turn over a new leaf. Your support system can include figures of authority in your life such as your teachers. Seek their advice and follow through on it, if you believe you can confide in them. Such connections can also help you out in the future when your life is more stable and you need someone to put in a good word for you, such as for a job application or a college reference.

Avoid negative people. Distance yourself from friends who were negative influences in your life. If such people are not also trying to start over in life, then they might pull you back into habits, behavior or activities that made your past negative. These friends might also mock you and tease you for trying to leave your old ways behind. Ignore them and focus on improving your life. Make sure you have people to talk to and to support you through this transition.

Deal with things one day at a time. Make sure the goals you set take daily living into account. At the beginning of every day, reflect on your schedule for that day and what it is you have to go through, what you need to do to prepare. At the end of the day, reflect on how your day was and what progress you made. It’s okay if it wasn’t as much as you’d like. What matters is that you keep trying. Your negative past probably spanned a long period of time. Whether you’re trying to leave your old ways behind or to distance yourself from a negative situation created by others (e.g. an abusive relationship), things probably won’t become completely perfect overnight. Negative habits, behaviors, and methods of coping with stressful situations all take time to develop and time to be replaced with positive, alternative ones.

Take personal responsibility. You have direct control over your thoughts, your emotions, your behavior and your life. Make the decision to follow your goals and improve your life. Actively choose what to do next. Every morning, look in the mirror and say confidently, ‘I control my life. My choices today make a better tomorrow.’ No matter who was responsible for the events of your past, you have to take responsibility for improving your present and future. Remember that you can only control yourself and your actions but that your actions affect others and the future. It can be easy to sit back and blame others for the way you are -- don’t use that as an excuse to continue living a life you’re not satisfied with.

Accepting and Dealing with the Past

Seek therapy. A therapist will offer you a confidential, non-judgemental space to work through your thoughts, concerns, and problems and help you better define and work towards your goals. Therapists have the skills and resources needed to help you put your life into perspective and see things from angles that may not have occurred to you or others. Therapy is not only for those who face problems with mental health. Anyone who wants to can benefit from speaking to a counsellor or therapist. If you are uncomfortable going to a therapist/counsellor because you’re afraid people will make fun of you, discuss your fears with someone you trust, someone you know has been to therapy or research online to understand the process of therapy better.

Face consequences. Try to separate yourself as much as you can from your old way of life. It can be difficult if you’re trying to turn over a new leaf but are going to be living in the same place and attending the same school or staying at the same job. You may have to face the consequences of your past behavior before your reputation improves. You will have to keep trying your hardest to show that you have changed: let your actions speak for themselves. Accept any punishments that are dealt to you by authority figures (e.g. your principal or boss) and try to perform to the best of your ability. This will be a way of showing that you can accept responsibility for your actions.

Make amends with loved ones. You may have grievances with others that are making your present difficult or miserable. Perhaps you had a big fight with your brother and he doesn’t talk to you anymore. Working toward a better relationship may improve your situation and give you peace of mind. Accept if you were to blame for anything that made the situation worse. Apologize and indicate that you want to make things better. Tell your loved one that you’re sorry for what happened, explain how you think you hurt him and why this was wrong. Then tell him how you can make it better. A simple script to follow is: I’m sorry for… This is wrong because… In the future, I will… Will you forgive me? Your loved one may not forgive you immediately. Keep trying.

Forgive yourself. When you take responsibility for your life, you may be feeling guilty about the part you played (or the part you think you played) in making it negative in the first place. Consider discussing this with a trusted friend. Explain how you feel and why you think you’re feeling that way. Your friend might be able to show you a different perspective. If you don’t want to talk about it, try writing your thoughts out, then responding in writing as you would to someone you love. Be honest and forthright. Making mistakes does not decrease your worth or make you a bad person. Everybody makes mistakes.

Preventing a Return to Your Old Ways

Understand the problem. It may have taken you a long time to reach a point in your life when you decided you needed to start over. Alternatively, you could have been in a negative family situation since you were born and then decided that you needed to make life better. Whatever your case, try to determine the contributing factors to the situation. Think about things people said and did, patterns of behavior (your own and others’), tones of voice, and patterns of your own thinking. Make a list of negative things you tend to repeat to yourself. Find evidence for and against this thought. Look for facts, rather than opinions. Ask yourself what makes you think this way.

Take precautions against making mistakes. Put systems in place that will ensure that you don’t repeat the negative things that happened in the past. Create plans to follow whenever you notice feelings that trigger behavior that you regret. For example, perhaps you’ve noticed that when you feel sad, you tend to drink alcohol: form a plan for dealing with your sadness that will keep you from drinking. Talk to a friend and ask him to help you with this problem. When you’re feeling sad, you can call him and ask them to come over. You can both play a sport or do something different. You could even try to talk about what is making you feel sad to help you deal with the situation. Try to come up with more than one plan to follow in these situations in case something prevents you from following your original one.

Learn from your past. If you understand why things happened the way they did, try to think of solutions that will prevent history from repeating. If other people are the reason that your life was negative, it can be more difficult to change the situation. For example, if you’re a teenager and your parents make your home life difficult, maybe you can encourage your parents to seek help for their lifestyle. You know your loved one best. It can be difficult to convince others to seek the help they need to better their life. Think of ways that you can help him yourself, consult with others on how best to approach the situation or read psychology articles related to your issue.

Form new habits and routines. You can’t simply stop doing things -- you have to start doing other activities to replace them. For example, if you had a habit of coming home from school and smoking in your room, form a routine that will help you achieve your goals instead. Plan ahead and ask a friend to help you, if you like. Once you come home, wash up, eat lunch then immediately leave for the public library to study. New habits may be harder to form than new routines. Start by consciously engaging in behavior that you want to become habit. Take for example, trying to maintain your personal hygiene. Make a conscious effort to brush your teeth before going to bed and after waking up in the morning. Set a daily reminder on your phone to help you or ask a parent to check that you’ve brushed your teeth. Once this becomes habit, you’ll feel uncomfortable if you don’t brush your teeth at these times.

Make better choices. In your day to day life and in the long run, keep your goals in mind when you’re making decisions. Think about how your decision will affect your day and your future. Remember the poor choices you’ve made in the past. Choose that which is better for you. Sometimes, you might make a decision that would have worked for you in the past but doesn’t any more. Maybe playing video games used to refresh your mind and now it doesn’t bring you that same peace of mind. This is okay. You can outgrow anything. Don’t force yourself to do something that no longer serves you well.