How to Tell if Your Husband Is Gay

Signs Your Husband Is in the Closet

He’s homophobic. Straight men normally don’t very strong opinions about gay people—they’re secure enough in their own sexuality that they don’t need to put other people down for no reason. If your husband has strong, negative feelings about gay men, it’s a major sign that he could be battling his own insecurities. There’s actually some great research that suggests internalized gay desires are closely correlated with homophobia. This kind of behavior is called projection, and it’s extremely common. Homophobia is especially likely to be a sign he’s gay if he knows any gay men in real life. It’s a lot easier to hold bigoted beliefs if you don’t have any exposure to other people, so it says a lot if he knows queer people and he’s still homophobic.

He overreacts around gay people. Most straight guys have no reaction to gay people—either in public or when they encounter them in the media. If a man freaks out when a gay person brushes against them, he refuses to hug a gay acquaintance (or even shake their hand), or he shouts “eww” and runs out of the room when Brokeback Mountain is on, it’s a sign he may be harboring feelings for men that he’s trying to avoid. The reverse could also be a sign. If he’s super touchy-feely around gay friends and he’s always hugging or grabbing them when he’s normally not very physically affectionate towards other people, it could mean he’s into them.

He’s stereotypically masculine. Most straight men don’t perfectly fit the “straight guy” stereotype. Even if he drives a pickup and hates musicals, maybe he loves going dancing and can’t stand football. But if your husband fits every stereotype of a red-blooded straight guy, it’s very possible that he’s putting on a performance and is secretly hiding something about his sexuality. Most straight guys are secure enough in who they are to admit they enjoy Sex in the City, Nicholas Sparks novels, or Taylor Swift. They don’t need to convince anyone they’re a big, burly manly man because they know who they are.

He’s not all that into sex. This isn’t necessarily a surefire way to tell if your husband is gay or not, but it is a factor. The average married couple has sex around once a week, although this often drops to once or twice a month over time. If your husband seems to never be interested in having sex with you, it could indicate he’s not necessarily attracted to women. Remember, some guys just aren’t all that into sex. If he has never really been a very sexually-motivated person, maybe he’s just asexual, not gay. In fact, maybe he just has a low sex drive and it’s totally unrelated to his orientation.

He watches gay porn. This actually isn’t a slam dunk sign, believe it or not. It’s surprisingly common for straight and bisexual men to watch gay porn sometimes (1 in 5 straight guys occasionally watches gay porn). That said, a man who regularly watches gay porn (or can’t orgasm without it) is more likely to be queer. Just as an aside, porn consumption is a really good reminder that human sexuality isn’t super rigid. Studies have proven that not only do 21% of straight men watch gay porn, but 55% of gay men watch straight porn.

He checks men out. Straight guys may turn their heads to get a closer look at a guy wearing an interesting outfit or doing something odd, but if you catch your man staring longingly at other men with no rhyme or reason, he may be checking them out. When you catch your husband checking a guy out, ask him, “What are you looking at?” If your question flusters him and he has no good explanation, he might be gay.

He befriends attractive guys. Generally speaking, straight men don’t care what their friends look like. If your husband seems to go out of his way to try and be friends with attractive, fit, or younger guys, but he readily ignores other guys who seem like they’d have more in common, it may suggest he’s gay. You could also try asking your husband why he likes hanging out with certain friends if he seems to be uniquely interested in hanging out with particular guys.

Talking to Your Husband about His Sexuality

Approach the subject with nothing but warmth and love. Gay men face a lot of bigotry in today’s world, and if your husband has been hiding who he is, he’s almost certainly ashamed and scared of people finding out. Make it extremely clear that you’re not here to judge, hate, or criticize. Even if this conversation doesn’t end up being the conversation, letting him know you’re coming from a loving place will plant the seed that you’re safe to talk to. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you about something I’ve noticed, and I’d like to ask you about your sexuality. No judgment or anything, but I do have questions if it’s okay?” “Can we chat about something that might be a little scary or sound strange? I just want to check in to see if there’s something you maybe want to tell me about yourself?” “You know I trust and love you, and I’d never think less of you if you were keeping something to yourself just because it scares you, right?”

Ask him in a non-judgmental way if he might be bisexual. If you come right out and ask him about being gay, he might immediately shut down. Maybe he’ll think you’re going to leave him or that your relationship is ending. Maybe he just isn’t ready to go so far as to call himself “gay.” Give him a little bit of wiggle room by asking if he’s bisexual (or pansexual). “Are you into guys and girls? I used to have a thing for a female friend in college, so no judgment either way. I’m just curious.” “Do you have sexual feelings for certain guys? It’s no big deal if you’re bisexual, I just don’t like feeling like you might be holding something back that you don’t need to hide from me.” “Is it possible that you might be bi? It’s totally okay if you are, but I do feel like maybe you’re holding that back from me.”

Remind him that you just want him to be happy if he’s resistant. It’s very likely that if your husband is queer, his reaction to your loving questions will cause a bit of a pause. If you see him hesitating or thinking, remind him that you love him and that you just want to him to be happy. “Again, it’s totally okay if you are queer. Even if you don’t know what you are, it’s 100% aright, I just want to be there for you.” “You know I’d love you no matter what, right?” “Sexuality is complicated, and it’s totally okay if you’re still learning something about yourself.”

Let it go if he’s in denial or insists that you’re wrong. Even if he is gay or bisexual, he may just not be comfortable letting you know right now. The important part is that he knows you’re a safe person to talk to in the future. However, if he’s really adamant and convincing that he’s straight, he probably is. You know your husband better than we do, so you know what it looks like when he’s telling the truth. If he insists he isn’t gay and you’re still not sure, give him the benefit of the doubt for now and believe him.

What to Do if He Is Gay

Take time to digest if he’s bisexual and insists he loves you. It’s probably going to be alarming to learn that your husband is also into men, but try and remember that this doesn’t mean anything about his love for you. Bisexual people love their spouses just as much as heterosexual people do, so take him at his word if you can. Your feelings are 100% valid. It’s okay to be shocked, angry, or confused. This can feel like your husband was lying to you, so if you need time to collect yourself and process how you feel, that’s okay. If you’re worried about your husband not loving you or finding you attractive, try to remember that you find people other than your husband hot, right? That doesn’t mean you aren’t into him. It’s the same with your husband. Even if he does find some guys attractive, it doesn’t mean he isn’t into you.

Treat a one-off crush with a grain of salt, if you can. If your husband admits to being attracted to a specific guy but insists he’s straight, believe him. Studies suggest over 60% of straight women have had a crush on another woman. This is considered socially acceptable and normal, but for men there are a lot of social pressures and stigmas surrounding same-sex attraction. It’s extremely common for straight guys to develop a crush on another man, and that doesn’t make them gay. A lot of people think sexuality is a black-and-white thing. The reality is that most people are probably a lot more “flexible” than even they realize. Society has conditioned you to believe there are straight men, gay men, and maybe a few bi men in between. But it’s totally possible for a straight guy to have a once-in-a-blue-moon same-sex crush—it doesn’t mean he isn’t primarily straight.

Determine your next steps together if he is gay. In the event that your husband does reveal he’s gay and he’s not actually interested in women, it can be a lot to process. Don’t rush anything. Try to remember that your husband didn’t do this on purpose to hurt you. Take a step back, remember that you and your husband have still been through a lot together, and give it time before you two decide what to do next. Maybe your marriage isn’t over. Maybe what marriage looks like for you and your husband is a lot different than what it looks like for stereotypical straight couples. Love can be a flexible, complicated thing, so don’t write off your relationship if you want to make it work. Counseling can radically help you two sort out your feelings and develop a plan for the future. If you do end up getting divorced or separating, that’s okay—even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. A lot of marriages end and this isn’t the end of your romantic life.