Understanding Their Narcissism
Recognize the narcissist as an individual with unique traits. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) isn’t a one-size-fits-all condition. Rather, it covers a spectrum of narcissistic traits and tendencies, meaning that each case of NPD is unique to the individual. Therefore, the first step toward helping a narcissist is to see them as an individual who needs individualized help. You might read or hear that all narcissists are the same, they’re all bad news, and you should cut ties with the person right away. While these assumptions can fit some people with NPD, there are also many people with NPD who can (with the right help) work on improving specific traits and behaviors. NPD must be properly diagnosed by a trained professional. However, a basic way to identify a potential narcissist is to ask yourself if they are incapable of saying “thank you,” “I’m sorry,” or “I forgive you.”
Consider any supporting causes for their narcissism. There are both “nature” and “nurture” elements to most cases of NPD—that is, both genetic and socialization factors that help develop a person’s unique narcissism. To help someone with NPD, it’s especially useful to understand the social and environmental forces that impacted them when they were growing up. For instance, severe childhood abuse or trauma can support narcissistic traits in adulthood, and this type of person is likely to use self-aggrandizement as a cover for crippling feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. However, someone who was never challenged or corrected as a child, but only praised, may develop into a narcissist who legitimately cannot perceive themselves as anything but superior.
Evaluate their likelihood of making positive changes. Despite NPD existing as a wide spectrum, it can very generally be broken down into 2 categories. The likelihood of your being able to help a person depends quite a bit on which category they fall into: “Grandiose” or “admiration” narcissists focus on their own greatness at the expense of even thinking about others, tend to be more happy and stable, and are usually more capable of being helped to learn empathy. “Vulnerable” or “rivalry” narcissists hope for (or actively work for) the failure and minimization of others around them as a way to uplift their own status and self-esteem. They tend to be hiding great insecurity and unhappiness, and are usually much more challenging to help.
Accept that you may need to sever ties with them. It’s laudable to want to help the narcissist in your life, whether they’re a co-worker, friend, relative, or significant other. However, even some experts believe that narcissists can never truly change their ways. And it’s definitely true that a narcissist will never change if they don’t want to. They must be willing to seek help, and you must be willing to break ties if they are harming your well-being. If the person is causing you significant emotional, mental, or physical harm, and especially if they show no signs of having any interest in making changes, it’s probably best that you sever ties with them as completely as you can. Sometimes, ending your relationship with the person may be the only way to get them to recognize that they need help. But even this may not be enough. People with narcissism who do seek help may still end up dropping out of therapy. They are often unable to establish a therapeutic relationship with a counselor because they continue to believe that they do not really need help.
Using “Empathic Confrontation”
Establish and enforce clear boundaries with the narcissist. Maintaining appropriate boundaries is a key part of having a functional relationship with a narcissist. Tell them in a clear, straightforward way what behaviors you will not tolerate, and explain what the consequences will be if they violate your boundaries. For example, you might say, “Susan, I feel very disrespected when you belittle me in front of my friends like that. If that continues, I won’t be able to spend time with you anymore.”
Work hard to see things from their perspective. It’s very easy to get defensive or angry around a narcissist, as they judge, belittle, or completely ignore you. However, instead of lashing out or withdrawing, try to focus on their internal reasoning for their words or actions. To the extent that it’s possible, put yourself in their shoes. For instance, if they’re going on and on about how incompetent everyone else at work is, try to view things from their perspective. If you genuinely believed you were better at your job than anyone else at your office, it would be frustrating if you failed to earn the recognition you deserved. Seeing things from their view doesn’t mean you have to approve or justify their words or actions, though. You simply need to understand where they’re coming from. You may also need to accept that there is no rational explanation for their reasoning.
Show empathy in an effort to draw out empathy. You need to model the behavior you hope to be able to draw out of the other person. In the case of a narcissist, this means that you have to demonstrate a great deal of empathy. Validate their feelings by listening closely and making clear statements of understanding. Keep in mind, though, that validating isn’t the same thing as justifying. For instance, if they simply won’t get past or let go of the fact that you didn’t adequately celebrate their recent promotion, you might say: “I know it must be frustrating to feel unappreciated when you’ve achieved so much.” In most cases, it’s helpful to start out your empathic statements with “I know” or “I understand.”
Combine empathic statements with leverage statements. This is the other half of “empathic confrontation.” You need to pair your empathy with a “leverage” statement—that is, a clear expression that their behavior is unacceptable and, if not changed, it will result in negative repercussions. Follow up your “I know” or “I understand” with a “But,” “However,” or “That said.” For example: “I know it must be frustrating to feel unappreciated when you’ve achieved so much. But, it is not fair for you to call me ‘ungrateful’ or to act like I don’t deserve you, and I will be forced to end this relationship if it continues.”
Follow through on your leverage statements. Telling a narcissist that there will be repercussions usually won’t be enough to make them want to change. In most cases, narcissists only seek help when they are directly and negatively impacted by their actions. This means that you may have to separate yourself from the person, at least temporarily, in hopes that they will realize that something needs to change. If you’re dating the person, for instance, you may need to stop seeing them: “I won’t see you anymore until you accept that your behavior needs to change and that you need help. If you agree to go to therapy, though, I will support you in every way possible, because I know how difficult of a step that is.”
Being Supportive During Therapy
Help them recognize the existence (and importance) of other people. If the person willingly agrees to treatment for NPD, they will need to undergo intensive and long-term psychotherapy (talk therapy) with a trained mental health professional. Even if you are not involved in the therapy sessions (which may or may not be the case), you can still help them outside their sessions by reinforcing what they’re learning—for instance, the simple fact that other people really exist and really matter. Truly recognizing others is a common problem for narcissists, and a common focus for psychotherapy. If appropriate, talk to the mental health professional regarding particular ways that you can be supportive. You might, for instance, encourage the person to always address other people by name when speaking or writing, to work on active listening skills, and to recognize others’ personal space.
Encourage mindfulness through the “observer self” technique. This is another common psychotherapy technique used in cases of NPD. The goal is for the person to picture themselves outside of an interaction, observing it in a neutral capacity. Doing so helps the person to become more mindful of their surroundings, and especially how their words and actions impact others. For instance, you might encourage the person to imagine themselves observing their interaction with a co-worker. Ask if this gives them a different perspective on how the co-worker interprets their comments. Or, you might ask them to take an observer's perspective during a particular situation. You might say, "Can you take a moment to use your ‘observer self’ to look at this situation and why I might feel ignored?"
Provide positive encouragement and downplay criticism. Accentuate and celebrate positive achievements every chance you get. If they say “I’m sorry” in anything more than the most perfunctory manner, tell them how much you appreciate it: “Thank you. It means a lot to me to hear you say that.” Therapy is difficult for narcissists to accept and to continue with. It’s essential that you continue to provide positive encouragement, such as: “I’m so proud of the hard work you’re doing and the progress you’re making.” Limit your criticism of their behavior when possible, but don’t discard your “leverage” statements when necessary. It still needs to be made clear to them that there are consequences for their words and actions.
Stay patient and positive, and maintain your sense of humor. Treatment will be difficult for the person with NPD, and it will be difficult for you as a friend, relative, or significant other. There will be ups and downs, steps back after steps forward, and times when the person just wants to quit and go back to “being themselves.” Be patient and encouraging with them, as well as with yourself—give yourself credit for the hard work you’re putting in as well! Make time for yourself, and do activities that you enjoy—both with the other person and apart from them. Look for opportunities to laugh and have fun—it really can help! While they're in a therapy session, for example, call up an old friend and have an enjoyable chat. Or, take an aerobics or yoga class to help clear your mind.
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