Creating a Safe Space
Take steps to secure your new location if you feel unsafe. It's normal to feel vulnerable after leaving your abuser, especially if they continue to contact you or have a history of stalking. If you have to relocate, consider renting a PO box instead of having mail delivered to your new place. You may also want to: Start taking a new route to work or change your work hours Avoid places that you used to frequent Change any appointments your abuser knows about Keep a cell phone on you at all times and be ready to call 911
Install security and motion detection systems to feel safer. You may not be able to rest or relax until you put additional security measures in place. Look into changing the locks in your home, barring the windows, and getting an electronic security system to help you feel safer. Doorbell cams and an outdoor motion sensor lighting system can add another layer of security. Take whatever security measures you need to make your space feel safe. This is a completely normal reaction after being abused.
File a restraining order for added security. Taking legal action can make you feel empowered and safer. A restraining order requires your abuser to stop abusing and threatening you and makes it illegal for them to show up at your home or workplace. To file a restraining order, pick up the required form at the courthouse, fill it out, and submit it. It is free to file. Restraining orders are usually effective for 1 year, but the rules vary by state. Be sure to research the rules in the state where you live. A restraining order usually gives you temporary legal custody of your children.
Be patient with yourself as you heal. “Time heals all wounds” probably isn’t a very comforting notion right now, but healing from trauma and abuse does take time. Trauma affects you physically, mentally, and emotionally, so you can’t expect yourself to heal overnight. Try not to judge yourself when you have bad days or experience anxiety or fear. These are normal reactions. Don't forget how strong you are! You've come a long way and no one can stop you from reclaiming your life. Finding stability is important in the aftermath of abuse, so establishing a routine and sense of predictability can contribute to your sense of safety. Be gentle with yourself, and don't be overly ambitious about what you expect from yourself right away.
Processing Your Emotions
Remind yourself that the abuse was not your fault. Your abuser probably told you that the abuse was your fault and tried to make you feel like you deserved it in some way. Those things are absolutely untrue. Your partner chose to abuse you and the fault is entirely theirs. If those thoughts start swirling in your mind, remind yourself immediately that they’re false. Your abuser planted these thoughts deep in your mind, and it often takes abuse survivors a while to stop believing them. Give yourself time. You have to stop blaming yourself in order to heal. No matter what the circumstances were, the abuse was not your fault and you did not deserve it.
Take time to grieve properly and give yourself space to mourn. It’s normal to mourn the loss of a relationship, even an abusive one. Your partner probably wasn’t abusive at first and your initial feelings for them were real and true. You may have experienced other losses during your abuse, as well. Allow yourself space and time to grieve your losses without judging yourself or your feelings. Grieving doesn't make you weak. If anything, giving yourself permission to grieve is a sign of strength.
Keep a journal to help you process and understand the trauma. Journaling gives you a space to record in detail what happened to you. No one will ever read it, so don’t hold back. Acknowledge and explore your feelings in your writing. Getting everything down on paper can help you process your trauma and understand yourself on a deeper level. If you aren’t used to keeping a journal or writing pages about this topic seems impossible, try creating lists with bullet points, writing poetry, or even drawing how you feel. Do whatever feels right to you.
Explore creative outlets to express your feelings and empower yourself. Expressing your emotions in a physical and creative way can help you feel like you have a stronger voice and you're more in control of your emotions. Consider trying or learning creative hobbies like writing poetry, composing music, drawing, or painting. Taking your life back is an emotional and empowering journey. Finding sources of creative expression can help you feel even stronger and more empowered.
Strive to replace negative self-talk with positive thoughts. You may have heard abuse so often that your brain has accepted it as true. When you find yourself thinking negative things about yourself, stop for a moment and challenge those negative thoughts. Find a positive thing to say, dispute a negative thought with logic, or reframe a thought in a helpful way. For example, you might find yourself thinking things like, "I deserved to be abused" or "No one will ever love me because I'm damaged goods." Force your mind to stop that line of thinking immediately and remind yourself that no one deserves to be abused. Refocus on something positive, like a task, or call up a friend for a chat. Adjusting how you think about yourself takes time, but consistently choosing to focus on the positives can help.
Try easy mindful breathing exercises to control anxiety. Managing anxiety in healthy ways is important for trauma victims. If you catch yourself feeling disoriented, anxious, or confused, use mindful breathing to calm yourself. One of the easiest exercises is to simply take 60 deep breaths, focusing your attention on each exhalation. Unfortunately, people often turn to drugs or alcohol to cope with abuse-related stress and anxiety. Try to remember that numbing yourself and healing yourself aren't the same thing.
Finding Support
Talk to someone immediately if you're having suicidal thoughts. If your depression is spiraling out of control or you're contemplating suicide, please reach out to someone right away to help you deal with these feelings. It doesn’t have to be a friend or a family member, you can contact a suicide prevention hotline if you'd prefer. In fact, talking to someone you don’t know can be beneficial since you can be brutally honest. If you're in the United States, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 to speak to or text with a live person right now. Counselors can assist you any time of the day or night. You can also text TALK to 741-741 if you're in the United States to text with a trained crisis counselor from the Crisis Text Line. This service is free and available 24/7.
Seek the help of a therapist to help you work through your trauma. Everyone reacts to trauma differently, but you may experience symptoms like PTSD, anxiety, depression, anger issues, substance abuse, and eating disorders, to name a few. Seek out a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma. They can help you manage your symptoms and work through your trauma in a healthy and effective way. The American Psychological Association has a searchable database of psychologists by area if you aren’t sure where to start: http://locator.apa.org
Join a local or online support group to connect with others. Support groups for domestic abuse survivors allow you to connect with other people who’ve been in similar situations. You’re able to give and receive support, talk about your experiences in a safe place, and reduce the feelings of isolation that many abuse survivors suffer. To find a local support group, search “domestic abuse support groups + your city.” For online support, start by speaking to someone at the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. Call 1-800-799-7233.
Lean on a trusted family member or friend when you need support. It's normal if you don't want to talk about your abuse with friends and family, but they can still comfort you when you're feeling low. Choose someone who you're comfortable with and who listens to you without judgment. For example, you might ask for emotional support from a trusted family member, friend, counselor, or clergyman.
Contact domestic abuse organizations near you for more help. There are public organizations equipped to help you in a variety of ways after surviving domestic abuse. Most states and larger cities have some kind of organization in place that you can contact for help or additional resources. Start by checking out this list, which is searchable by state: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/victims-and-survivors/
Nurturing Your Body
Prioritize sleep, rest, and relaxation to help you recover. The trauma of abuse can manifest in unexpected physical ways once you’re out of immediate danger. You may experience changes in your sleeping or eating patterns, for instance, or feel constantly exhausted. Allow yourself to rest as much as you need to and be gentle with yourself. Establish a sleep schedule and try to stick to it every day. Aim to get 7-9 hours of sleep every night to feel rested. As a victim of abuse, there were probably times when you were too afraid or upset to sleep. Don’t feel guilty about sleeping or resting as much as you need to now.
Learn more about nutrition and eat a well-balanced diet. Try to eat small, well-balanced meals throughout the day to keep your energy up. Omega-3 fats, which are found in salmon, walnuts, soybeans, and flaxseeds, may help boost your mood. For the most part, avoid sugary and fried foods since they can make you feel sluggish and tired. Incorporate a variety of fresh fruits and veggies into your daily diet. Aim for 5 servings per day. Start reading packaged food labels more carefully for nutrition information and try to pay more attention to recommended serving sizes.
Exercise for 30 minutes on most days to heal your body. Trauma disrupts your body’s natural equilibrium and can damage your nervous system over time. Exercising frequently can help you take control and repair that damage. If you're up to it, aim for 30 minutes of exercise on most days. If that seems like a lot, try breaking that half hour up into 3 mini-sessions that are 10 minutes each. Rhythmic exercise that engages your whole body is often the most helpful. Walking, running, swimming, basketball, and dancing are all great options. Exercises with a mindfulness element can also be powerful for trauma victims. You might explore rock climbing, boxing, weight training, or martial arts.
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