Defining Kitchen Table Polyamory
In kitchen table polyamory, you're close with your partner’s partners–like friends that hang out around your kitchen table! This means you’re communicative, friendly, and hang out frequently. In order for this to work, you and your partner have already agreed to have more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time, and you’ve also talked about what kinds of relationships you want with each other’s partners. This term is not strict, since there is diversity within every label. Some kitchen table polyamorous relationships involve the polycule living together and interacting like a family, while others involve making friendly relationships without living all together. The important part is that you’re all friends that get along well together. No one should be forced into kitchen table polyamory by their partner. The desire to be good friends with your partner’s partner and everyone else in your polycule should come from you, not anyone else. Your partner’s partner is often called your metamour, and everyone associated with your polyamorous relationship (you, your partners, and your metamours) is sometimes called a polycule.
Reasons to Choose Kitchen Table Polyamory
You want to build a chosen family. You and your partners can form a close-knit group for community and mutual support, like a family. All the people you love get to be friends with each other! This could be especially important for you if your family isn’t very supportive, so you want to create a new web of loving relationships on your own terms. It’s also good for you if you’re a total extrovert who loves making new friends! If you’re a parent, caretaker, or need other kinds of help at home, having a chosen family through polyamory could help share that work and make it more communal.
You want to help your partner’s partner to feel less insecure. Kitchen table polyamory would be especially helpful if you often find yourself asking your partner what they’ve been up to and wondering what their other partner is like. If you get to know them, you might not feel jealous or threatened! That might not always be the solution, though, and seeing more of your partner’s partner could make you feel worse–pay attention to your feelings as you get to know your metamour.
You want to take better care of your partner. When you’re friends with your partner’s partner, you can coordinate together how to take care of them! This is especially appealing if you often don’t have enough time to do everything for your loved ones. If you’re friendly with your metamour, you can communicate with each other to take care of your partner and make both relationships better. For example, you can let them know that your partner is having a bad day so that they can send a loving text, or ask them to pick something up from the pharmacy if your partner is sick. If you’re too busy to do everything for your loved ones, it might be complicated to find time for all your new friends in your polycule. Be aware of scheduling logistics in deciding what relationships with your partner’s partners you can commit to.
You value total openness in love and romance. If you often think that there’s too much awkwardness and separation in your relationships, and wish everyone could let their walls come down and get along, this type of polyamory is definitely for you. If this is why you want kitchen table polyamory, you should be aware that nothing can magically make everyone get along. Sometimes people’s inhibitions or preferences can’t be changed by encouraging friendships.
How to Navigate Kitchen Table Polyamory in a Relationship
Decide whether or not it will work for you. Different types of polyamory work for different types of people, so do your research, learn about people’s experiences in various relationships, and think about your own past emotions in relationships to decide if you want to be in a kitchen table polyamorous relationship.
Always set boundaries and communicate openly. There are no pre-set rules, so that means it’s even more important to communicate all of your expectations, boundaries, and preferences in an agreement with your partner and your metamour before you embark on a new type of relationship.
Do your best to process complex emotions as they come up. All relationships involve strong emotions, and it’s natural to feel positive and negative emotions as you navigate new types of relationships. Be honest with yourself and confront jealousy or insecurity when it happens, working through it in ways that work for you, like journaling, focusing on feeling happy by seeing your partner happy, or talking with a therapist. Be willing to change things up if you need a different arrangement.
Other Types of Polyamory
Parallel polyamory, also known as ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’ This kind of polyamory is a relationship where each relationship exists independently without mingling and without telling your other partner too much about it. There is no focus on encouraging metamours and other partners to get to know each other. In some forms of parallel polyamory, metamours can get to know each other, but there isn’t any emphasis put on that relationship. Parallel polyamory is often considered to be an opposite of kitchen table polyamory, since one encourages close friendships and the other doesn’t. That being said, they’re less like binary labels and more like different styles, with lots of ambiguity and middle ground to let you choose what you prefer.
Garden party polyamory This is a relationship where metamours have a friendly, but not necessarily close, connection. Whereas kitchen table polyamory encourages a more steady friendship, garden party polyamory asks that you only be friendly enough with your partner’s partner to interact every once in a while in a garden party type of setting. This is also sometimes known as birthday party polyamory.
Lap-sitting polyamory This is a type of polyamory that involves being so close with your partner’s partner that you’re either best friends or lovers. The name comes from the fact that you're so close to your partner's partner that you can imagine sitting in their lap comfortably. It doesn’t always happen, but this is the term for it if it does.
Remember, no form of polyamory is better than any other. Each one has its own benefits, and which one you choose depends on your preference and on consent from you, your partner, and your partner’s partner. Your boundaries, and communicating them with your partner, are more important than a label.
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