- Many dying marriages begin with feelings of disillusionment as you discover that your life with your spouse fell much shorter than what you envisioned.
- Often, unhealthy relationships progress into feelings of loneliness or isolation as communication fails and you become apathetic.
- Serious problems arise when you become resentful toward your partner, and bitterness often comes to a head in a “last straw” moment that ends the marriage.
9 Stages of a Failing Marriage
You start to feel disillusioned, or suspect that you’re not happy. The first stage is full of uncertainty. You find yourself questioning if marriage was the right idea, or if your marriage is working for you. It’s often the small things—a nagging feeling at the back of your mind, or the thought that you’re not as excited about life as you were before, or as you thought you’d be when you finally got married. Some post-marriage cold feet is normal for newlyweds. It’s a big life change that naturally comes with some anxiety. But if your doubts come later or have lasted years into the marriage, it may be time to start questioning the commitment.
You begin to feel lonely, even around your spouse. Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. You thought that by marrying them, you’d never feel alone. Now, though, you feel like you can’t come to them with your problems, and the two of you fail to connect in ways you did before. While some feelings of isolation are normal in any relationship, having the constant impression that you’re not totally in this together isn’t so normal. Ask yourself if your isolation is self-imposed—we all need some me-time now and again—or if your attempts to reach out to your partner consistently leave you wanting.
Communication breaks down. Communication is key in any sort of relationship. But the thing about communication is that a lack of it hurts you and your spouse’s bond, and a weakened bond leads to even less communication. In other words, it’s a negative feedback loop. If there’s a rift between you, it may have been there longer than you think, and it’ll only get worse if you don’t work to bridge it. Have a serious talk with your partner, and strive to communicate better. Start with something like, “I’ve noticed we’ve been on different wavelengths recently, and I want to figure it out.” If your partner is reluctant to address the issue, it may be time to see a counselor or contemplate ending the relationship.
You’re no longer intimate. Married sex is like the tide: it comes and it goes. But if it went and hasn’t come back into shore, it’s time to start asking yourself some questions. We don’t mean situations where you’ve both been busy, or other health conditions have gotten in the way. Rather, it’s a total lack of interest from one or both of you that indicates a problem. Test this lack of interest by making an effort to rekindle your sex life. Make advances on your partner, or try something new in bed. If the spark just isn’t there, it’s time to start thinking about the bigger picture.
You start to detach yourself emotionally. Once you’ve noticed the past stages, you begin to hedge your bets on the relationship. You withdraw and look elsewhere for your emotional needs. You don’t have deep or significant conversations with your spouse, and you stop discussing your problems and emotions openly with them. Other signs of this stage include things like avoiding your partner, or one of you leaving the room when the other enters. In addition, most or all of your conversations feel like small talk, or routine.
You criticize each other constantly. After you’ve detached, it becomes harder to summon fond feelings toward your spouse. Instead, the two of you tend to bicker, or can’t help but point out what the other does wrong. You might also blame each other for your problems, from small inconveniences to larger, life-related issues. If you catch yourself looking for something to criticize before something to compliment about your spouse, take a step back to consider why that is.
You start to fantasize about unmarried life. Beyond disillusionment or detachment, you begin to actively wonder what it’d be like not to be married to your spouse. You might covet a single life, or you build a list of friends or coworkers you’d rather be in a relationship with. Whatever the case, you start looking for an exit, even if you don’t totally realize that’s what you’re doing.
You have your “last straw” moment. Eventually, all that pent-up resentment causes a rupture. The cause can be something large or fairly insignificant. A fight gets too intense, or you realize you feel stifled around each other and can’t take it anymore. Often, this last-straw moment results in someone leaving the house, or spending the night elsewhere. You feel like staying a moment longer would be unbearable. If you feel the urge to physically remove yourself, don’t ignore that urge. Take a little time away to clear your head.
You officially part ways. It becomes clear that the marriage is no longer working. You’re faced with a choice: call it off, or try to make it work. At this stage, as long as you don’t have joint obligations like children or financial burdens, leaving seems like the sensible thing to do, but that doesn’t make it easy. For many, this means filing for divorce. Some couples choose to separate without any legal proceedings, testing a life without each other. Others simply take a break so they can come back and reevaluate later.
Signs Your Marriage is Dying
You or your spouse aren’t making an effort. Long-terms relationships take work, but you’ve found that you or your spouse just aren’t up to the work anymore. Instead, maintaining the relationship feels like more trouble than it’s worth. A lack of effort is often accompanied by feelings of stagnancy. You feel like your relationship is at a dead-end, or like it’s a laborious routine to uphold rather than enjoy.
You prefer other people’s company. Whereas before, your spouse was the first person you wanted to spend time with, now you’d rather be away from them. If you find that you’re often trying to leave them out of plans or avoiding time alone with them, that’s usually a sign that somewhere along the way you’ve become a less-than-ideal fit for each other. Wanting an evening or 2 alone is totally normal, but a constant desire to isolate yourself or avoid your partner indicates deeper marital issues.
Your arguments don’t go anywhere. Arguments and discussions are par for the course for any serious relationship. It’s how you navigate and make sense of your differences. But if your arguments go in circles or always seem to end with name-calling or the blame game, they’ve become less of a productive problem-solving exercise and more of a vehicle for personal vendettas. Resist assigning blame, even in heated arguments. If the argument devolves into name-calling or other immature behavior, remove yourself from the situation.
There’s been physical or emotional abuse. Never tolerate abuse of any sort. Verbal, emotional, or physical abuse are serious signs of a failed and unhealthy relationship. If you experience abuse, or inflict abuse on your spouse, it’s time to consider a separation, for both your sakes. Learn to recognise signs of abuse in your relationship. These include violence, verbal assaults, or sexual coercion.
Someone hasn’t been faithful. Cheating is often a symptom of deeper, underlying issues. These include lack of interest or trust, or general dissatisfaction with the relationship. If your or your partner is unfaithful, or has frequent thoughts of infidelity, the red flags are waving. Speak to your partner honestly and openly about any infidelity. Secrets of this sort only serve to deepen the divides between you.
You feel like you’re strangers. You decided to get married in part because you couldn’t imagine ever being any closer to another person. But lately, it’s felt like your closest friend is more of an acquaintance. It’s an indicator that the both of you have changed, and as you did, you drifted away from each other. This is often accompanied by feelings of loneliness or loss. It makes sense; in some ways, you feel like you’ve lost or are losing a friend.
You don’t respect each other. It seems unthinkable at first, but over the course of a marriage you begin to learn things about your spouse you didn’t know before—things that change how you think about them. They have habits that repel you, or philosophies you don’t understand. This rift often leads to name-calling or talking behind each others’ backs.
You or your partner have become dishonest. It doesn’t have to be outright lying. Often, dishonesty in relationships comes in the form of secrets. You or your partner withhold information, or feel that you can no longer confide in each other. It becomes easier not to mention things, rather than explain them. This might include hiding plans from your partner, or concealing financial decisions like large purchases.
Reviving a Dying Marriage
Take a break to evaluate your relationship. Even if you and your spouse resolve to save the marriage, you’ll need some time away from each other to collect your thoughts. Put some distance between yourselves for at least a month, or up to however long you need to clear your heads. If possible, move in with a close friend or family member, or someplace you feel comfortable and relaxed. Use this time to contemplate what went wrong.
Consult a marriage counselor. See a marriage counselor to have a trained third party examine your relationship and mediate any compromises. A counselor will offer their professional opinion and help the two of you find a way forward. Commit to seeing the counselor regularly. Putting in the effort to go to counseling is part of putting in effort to save the marriage.
Communicate honestly and solve problems cooperatively. Now isn’t the time for dancing around the issues. When addressing old wounds, or when new troubles arise, be frank with your partner about how you feel, and how you want to fix them. That said, focus on your own accountability, and offer collaborative ways to rebuild your relationship. Use “I” statements like, “I feel left out and unheard when you spend a lot of time out of the house. Devise solutions that involve effort from both of you. For example, “I’d like you to spend more time at home, or I can come meet you at work.”
Focus on the positives of your relationships. Things were rocky in the past, and those problems need to be addressed in counseling, but they also shouldn’t weigh down the future of your marriage. Take care to compliment your spouse often, encourage their interests and passions, and remind yourself of all the reasons you fell in love with them in the first place. Write affectionate letters to each other to help you repair your bond. Include all the ways your spouse makes you happy, and all the reasons you’re grateful for them.
Walking Away From a Failed Marriage
Talk to trusted friends or family. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Your friends and family provide an important support structure to fall back on when your marriage is otherwise shaky. In addition, spiritual leaders or personal therapists can make for essential confidants. Consult someone close to you who’s had plenty of exposure to your relationship. Ask for their opinion, but don’t put them in a position of undue pressure or responsibility. Ask your friend or family member if they’ve had similar experiences and how they handled them. Or, ask them what they might do in your shoes. It’s often easier to see a solution when you’re not immediately involved in the problem.
File for divorce. Of course, there comes a time when a choice has to be made. Staying in relationship limbo is unfair to both you and your spouse. After some time away, come together and have an honest, frank conversation about how both of you see your future unfolding. Tell them clearly that you don’t see a way to revive your marriage. Hire an attorney to help you navigate the divorce process. A good divorce attorney will also serve as your advocate in this process. If your spouse resists, double down. This is a choice you’re making for yourself, and you know that neither of you would be happy.
Focus on your friends, hobbies, and career. Your past marriage will always be a part of you, but it doesn’t have to define you. Use your newfound freedom to pursue the passions you sidelined in favor of your marriage. Go back to school or take art classes. Develop and exercise routine or take time to travel. In addition, spend more time with your friends, and focus on the people still in your life. Make a post-marriage bucket list of all the things you’ve wanted to do but couldn’t because your marriage got in the way. Devoting your energy to accomplishing this list will take your mind off the relationship and help you move forward with your life.
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