- Someone who is emotionally immature has difficulty controlling their emotions or expressing them appropriately. They're prone to dramatic overreactions.
- Signs of emotional immaturity include dramatic emotional outbursts, a lack of empathy, and difficulty learning new things as an adult.
- If you're dealing with an emotionally immature person, set and enforce clear boundaries to help them regulate their feelings and behavior.
What is emotional immaturity?
Emotional immaturity refers to an inability to control your emotions. People who are emotionally immature have difficulty controlling or expressing their emotions appropriately. They're often prone to overreactions and dramatic outbursts. For example, an emotionally immature person might burst into tears or throw a temper tantrum if you have to cancel plans with them because you got called into work. It helps to think of emotional immaturity in contrast to emotional maturity. An adult who is emotionally mature is capable of controlling their emotions and expressing them appropriately. Emotional maturity is closely related to emotional intelligence, which is defined as the ability to regulate and manage your own emotions and understand the emotions of others.
Signs of Emotional Immaturity
Overreaction or dramatic emotional outbursts A person who is emotionally immature might burst into tears or fly into a rage over the smallest thing. Sometimes, they'll throw a temper tantrum, much like a small child would if they didn't get their way. For example, an emotionally immature parent might throw a fit because their child accidentally spilled a glass of milk. Sometimes, these dramatic outbursts happen because the person is simply overwhelmed by a stressful or emotional situation. Dramatic outbursts can also happen when an emotionally immature person feels as though they're being attacked by people around them, such as if they're criticized.
Self-centeredness Emotionally immature people are focused primarily on themselves and how something feels to them. They have a hard time understanding how their actions might impact others. It might seem as though they think they're the only person who matters in a situation. Going along with this, emotionally immature people often want to be the center of attention. They might get angry or upset if they feel like they're being ignored or not getting as much attention as they want.
Lack of empathy An emotionally immature person has a hard time understanding how other people feel. They may not be able to put themselves in somebody else's shoes to imagine how something they say or do would make that person feel. They can also have difficulty picking up on body language, tone, and other signals of the emotions behind someone's words. When someone else is upset, an emotionally immature person might feel confused or overwhelmed because they don't understand other people's emotions. For example, if you're upset about something and start crying, an emotionally immature person might get angry that you're crying.
Poor listening skills Someone who's emotionally immature might have a hard time paying attention when other people are talking. They don't tend to listen actively and might not fully understand what someone is telling them or why. They might not make eye contact and are easily distracted. For example, they might be scrolling on their phone while you're trying to talk to them.
Defensiveness When an emotionally immature person is criticized, they have a hard time taking responsibility for their own actions. Instead, they'll come up with excuses for what happened or insist that they didn't do anything wrong. For example, if you ask an emotionally immature coworker why they haven't finished a report, they might tell you that they couldn't do it because they'd been in meetings all day. At the extreme end, an emotionally immature person might attempt to emotionally manipulate the person criticizing them or even try to make it as though they're the victim.
Blaming others Emotionally immature people tend to believe that anything that happens is somebody else's fault rather than theirs. They're quick to lay the blame on someone else rather than admit fault. If you criticize an emotionally immature person, they might find a way to turn it back around on you. They'll insist that whatever they said or did was simply a reaction to something you said or did. For example, if you remind an emotionally immature person that they didn't clear the dishes like they said they would, they might say that it was your fault because you wanted to watch a show on TV with them.
Discomfort in highly emotional situations As dramatic as an emotionally immature person can be, other people's emotions are overwhelming and confusing for them. When things get emotionally tense, they might simply walk away or react inappropriately. For example, an emotionally immature person might start cutting up and cracking jokes at a funeral because they're uncomfortable and overwhelmed by the grief around them. If things get too stressful or intense, it's not unusual for an immature person to seek to end the interaction. They might insist that you're overreacting or tell you to get over it.
Difficulty learning new things as an adult Research shows that emotionally immature people have difficulty accepting and internalizing criticism and learning from it. Because of this, acquiring new skills is difficult. For example, an emotionally immature person might get frustrated because they can't figure out how to do something and burst into tears.
Disrespect of other's boundaries For an emotionally immature person, boundaries are something to be overcome, not respected. They want to be the center of attention and see someone else's boundaries as unfairly limiting them from doing something they might want to do. For example, if you tell your emotionally immature friend that you're only willing to give them a ride if they're ready on time, they might continue to be late every time you pick them up.
Unhealthy coping strategies Emotionally immature people are more likely to turn to alcohol, drugs, or over-eating to cope with their emotions. Because they don't know how to handle their emotions on their own, they may use substances to numb themselves and keep from getting overwhelmed. For example, an emotionally immature parent might drink excess wine in the evening to help them unwind and avoid outbursts directed at their kids or spouse.
Dealing with an Emotionally Immature Person
Set and enforce healthy boundaries. Emotionally immature people can improve their emotional intelligence if they learn how to respect boundaries. Make sure you communicate these limits clearly with specific consequences if they are violated. Then, follow through and enforce those boundaries when necessary. This takes time and patience. An emotionally immature person will take it personally if you enforce a boundary with them and might react dramatically. For example, if you tell your emotionally immature significant other not to call you after 10 p.m. because you need more sleep, they might say, "Obviously you don't love me any more or you'd be happy to hear from me!" Try not to take an emotionally immature person's overreactions personally. Remind yourself that they have difficulty controlling their emotions and don't understand how this affects you.
Start and lead a conversation about their behavior. While it might not be an extremely productive conversation, getting your thoughts and feelings off your chest will certainly help. Use "I" statements to keep the focus on yourself and your feelings rather than making it sound like you're blaming them or accusing them of anything. This will make it easier for them to potentially understand and empathize with you. For example, if they tend to talk over you or dismiss your feelings, you might say, "I feel frustrated when my feelings aren't heard or validated."
Suggest that they talk to a therapist. If you're dealing with a family member or significant other who is having problems with emotional immaturity, therapy can help them cope with their trauma and find better ways to handle their emotions. While they might not be open to your suggestion, it doesn't hurt to mention it. Be sure to tell them that there's no shame in seeking help and that you think they'll really benefit from it. Couples or family therapy could also help all of you reconnect and communicate with each other better as well.
Walk away from toxic or unhealthy conversations. If you can tell that the emotionally immature person isn't going to listen to you and the conversation is going nowhere, it's best simply to end it. Walking away breaks the cycle and sends a signal to the person that they're not going to control you with the things they say. For example, you might say, "It's clear we're just going around in circles on this, so I'm going to walk away now. We can talk about this tomorrow." You can also use this technique to enforce a boundary. For example, you might say, "I've said that I won't talk to you when you raise your voice like that. I'm going to walk away now and I'll come back in 20 minutes and we can try to talk about this again."
Use self-care coping techniques to care for yourself. It can be difficult if the emotionally immature person in your life is a parent or significant other who should be helping and supporting you. Self-care can help you develop skills and resources to support yourself and others around you so you don't have to rely on them as much. Try things like meditating, journaling, or even just going for a walk—find what works for you. This is especially important if you're in a relationship with the person that you can't or don't want to end. When you take care of yourself and put your needs first, their emotional immaturity will have less of an effect on you.
Overcoming Emotional Immaturity
Practice labeling emotions that come up. Labeling emotions is a great way to learn how to identify them correctly. It also puts you at a healthy distance from your emotions so you can better control them. To label your emotions, simply pause and ask yourself how you're feeling. Then, repeat the label for that feeling to yourself. For example, if you get angry at something a coworker said, you might say, "I feel angry" or "This is a feeling of anger." Remind yourself that you aren't your emotions—they're just something that you feel. Labeling your emotions removes you from that emotion, similar to the way you might look away from a car crash.
Practice mindfulness techniques to connect with your inner self. Try deep breathing exercises or start a meditation practice to help you get in touch with your emotions and learn how to control them. These techniques can also help you calm down if you're feeling overwhelmed in the moment. Mindfulness techniques help keep you in the moment so that you're better able to regulate your emotions and center yourself.
Find healthy outlets to cope with emotions. When emotions are overwhelming, it can be easy to turn to alcohol or drugs for a way out. Exercising, going for a walk in nature, or playing with a pet are healthy things that can help you better cope with your emotions. If you're in an emotionally tense situation, don't be afraid to say you need a break! Take a walk around the block and use a deep breathing exercise to regroup.
Talk to a therapist. If emotional immaturity is the result of childhood trauma or abuse, a therapist can help you unpack that and move past it. Similarly, people with personality disorders can get help with their symptoms through therapy. While admitting you need help can be scary, it's the first step toward a happy, healthy future.
Causes of Emotional Immaturity
Childhood trauma or abuse Childhood trauma or abuse can result in the underdevelopment of parts of a child's brain that help with controlling and regulating emotions, especially in times of stress. This underdevelopment could lead to emotional immaturity in adulthood. For example, if someone was raised by an alcoholic parent who neglected them, they might grow into an emotionally immature adult.
Cluster B personality disorders Cluster B disorders include narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), and histrionic personality disorder. These disorders are marked by over-dramatic and erratic emotional outbursts, as well as an inability to control emotions or understand the emotions of others. Someone with a cluster B personality disorder might be emotionally immature, but that's not necessarily the case. There's a lot of overlap between the symptoms of cluster B personality disorders and signs of emotional immaturity.
Neurological or developmental disorders Emotional immaturity can go hand-in-hand with developmental disorders, such as attention deficit disorder (ADD) or autism spectrum disorder (ASD)—also known as "neurodivergent" people. People with these disorders tend to mature emotionally at a slower rate than neurotypical people (people who don't have these disorders). Neurodivergent people may be emotionally mature in some ways or in some situations but emotionally immature in others. Often, the emotional immaturity in neurodivergent people is related to their inability to pick up on social cues or understand nuances of speech, such as tone or body language.
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