How to Identify Covert Narcissism

Identifying signs of covert narcissism

Look for a difficulty fitting in. Due to the lack of emotional empathy characteristic of covert narcissism, difficulty fitting in is associated with it. There may be a hyper-focus on their own needs and wants while, at times, disregarding the needs of others. Covert narcissists are also more prone to social anxiety, which hinders their ability to form relationships with their peers.

Recognise a sensitivity to criticism. Covert narcissists typically respond defensively to criticism, even when at fault. While in overt narcissism, this response may come off as combative, people with covert NPD almost always respond defensively or dismissively.

Listen for self-deprecating talk. In covert narcissism, this may used as a form of "supply". If you self-deprecate in front of others, they'll likely come rushing in with compliments, feeding the narcissistic ego further.

Identify issues with depression or anxiety. Anxiety and depression are much more common in covert narcissists, but they may also be far more apparent. The covert narcissist feeds off sympathy, so they will almost always be willing to share about their shortcomings and mental issues. Even though this may seem performative, this doesn't make their anxiety or depression any less real.

Acknowledge a focus on self-importance and external praise. People with covert narcissism thrive on external praise, also known as "supply." They may have fantasies of fame, wealth, or success.

Examine a need to go above and beyond. Covert narcissism can disguise itself as altruism, which can look like excessive praise to others, gift giving, or doing good things for other people. The motivation behind these deeds is entirely self-motivated, maybe to acquire praise and admiration or to get ahead.

Regard a lack of empathy (emotional empathy). Cognitive empathy involves understanding another person's feelings intellectually, while emotional empathy means feeling what they feel. Covert narcissists often display cognitive empathy, using it to appear supportive without connecting on an emotional level (i.e., feeling what the other person is feeling). Cognitive empathy can be considered closer to sympathy rather than empathy.

Recognising covert narcissism in yourself

Reflect on patterns of thought and emotion. As narcissists, we often find it difficult to recognise it in ourselves, so keeping note of your thoughts, emotions and intentions behind things may help you understand your covert narcissism. Consider how you handle feelings of failure or insecurity? Do you feel envious when others receive recognition instead of feeling sincerely happy about their successes?

Consider your upbringing. Do you know of any abuse you may have gone through? Any traumatic events at all, including simple things such as bullying and exclusion? On top of this, was there anyone in your life who praised you very heavily? This trauma is common in gifted children and autistic people, so a lot of these factors may occur at once. One diagnosis does not omit the other. Remember, there are genetic components to NPD. Do you know of any narcissists in your life? Think back to parents, grandparents and carers. Use section 4 to identify if anyone in your life was a narcissist. Being around, especially an overt narcissist, can often lead to covert narcissism from their abuse of you.

Acknowledge being drawn to social media. Do you find it easier to curate your self-identity through social media, garnering your self-acceptance from a distance? Do you find yourself obsessing over gaining popularity within it and base your self-worth on your popularity on such platforms? This obsession may be your way of gathering what, in narcissistic terms, is known as "supply", which is the way you fill the gap between your contradictory high self-standards and self-loathing.

Evaluate your conversations with others. Do you tend to rewind conversations to being about yourself? The self-focused brain of a covert narcissist has a hard time caring about what others have to say unless it is about them, so try to pick up on patterns of shifting conversations to being about yourself. Even when you're not talking about yourself, you will likely be talking with self-benefit in mind, hoping to receive praise for being such a nice person to talk to. Do you self-deprecate often, leading to people complimenting or reassuring you? This self-deprecation is a textbook sign of covert NPD, as it is a form of supply.

Remember that other mental health problems usually come along with covert NPD. Alternatively, you may have misdiagnosed yourself or received a misdiagnosis as NPD has very similar symptoms to other personality disorders. Other related mental health conditions to watch for are: Depression and anxiety Other personality disorders Borderline personality disorder Avoidant personality disorder Antisocial personality disorder Histrionic personality disorder Paranoid personality disorder Substance use disorder Eating disorders OCD Autism

Pay attention to how you seek validation indirectly. Indirectly seeking validation by downplaying your skills or achievements in conversation to get recognition. Do you highlight your sacrifices (i.e. "I didn't sleep at all last night to get this done") so that others can praise you for such achievements? Do you subtly compare yourself to others? This comparison may be through statements such as "I'm nowhere near as good as you are at that", knowing that this will cause others to likely respond positively about you. Feigning indifference, when really seeking attention. Acting like you don't care if people notice your work while secretly hoping for approval and admiration. Humbly bragging. Starting a sentence with how tired you are or how hard it's been, saying something like "I'm so exhausted from getting all this done before the deadline" may be another indirect method you use to gain validation.

Cope with having covert NPD

Recognise and accept the problem. Acknowledging there is something different about the way you interact with the world is a vital first step towards change. Self-awareness leads to the ability to begin the healing process so you can stop negatively affecting those around you unintentionally. Remember that this is a mental illness; it develops from trauma, so don't be too harsh on yourself, as it will take time to heal. Understand the impact. Begin to understand how your behaviours might be negatively affecting those around you. Take responsibility. These are your actions. Even if you have a mental illness, what you've done is what you've done.

Develop healthy communication habits. Practise active listening. Focus on what people say rather than immediately shifting the conversation back to yourself. Please do not interrupt the speaker; allow them to face you and look them in the eyes, breaking eye contact about once every 5 seconds. Be sure to pick up on non-verbal cues and show them you are listening. Listen without judging or jumping to conclusions; do not assume you know what will be said next. Do not impose your opinion; lending a supportive ear is what people need rather than always a debate. Ask questions. Be interested in what the other person is saying by asking relevant questions. If you're not sure you understood correctly, say, "Did you mean that-" or "I'm not sure I understood what you were saying about-" Paraphrase and summarise. Paraphrasing may feel awkward, but it shows that you were genuinely listening (and you must have been to do this). If you're not sure how to do this, start by saying, "So it sounds like you were saying-"

Foster Genuine Empathy. Try to understand and FEEL the emotions of others rather than over-analysing them. Attempting to feel others' emotions is a good step towards garnering emotional empathy, away from simply cognitive. You can do this by imagining yourself going through another person's situation. How would you feel? Try your best to put yourself in someone else's shoes. At first this will still be a very cognitive process. Still, in time, emotional empathy can begin to come naturally.

Practise mindfulness and meditation. Mindfulness is a quality which describes a specific way of living through practices such as meditation, journaling, and breathing exercises. Other techniques you can try include: Mindful movement. Mindful movement can mean running, walking, yoga, martial arts, or other exercises. Any exercise will be helpful for your mental health, so engaging in it is a brilliant strategy to counter negative thoughts. Transcendental meditation. A passive and relaxing process entails listening to a monosyllabic sound to help the mind transcend the thought process. Body scan meditation. This type of meditation involves lying down flat on your back and tensing and releasing each section of your body, one by one. Start at the feet or toes and move up the body.

Seek professional help. Finding a therapist or psychologist who specialises in NPD is one of the best things you can do to more structurally address your issues. Engaging in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), which is a form of talk therapy, has been proven to reduce NPD symptoms drastically. This is by changing the way you respond to things and act. Therapy can help you with essential skills, including the above and: Shifting your perspective from envy to gratitude. Transforming your feelings is complex; however, you can achieve this by focusing on personal strengths and achievements and keeping a gratitude journal. Identifying core issues. These may be traumatic childhood incidents or things you believe you need to work on in yourself. Breaking the cycle of validation-seeking. Cultivating self-compassion. Building emotional awareness.

Identifying covert narcissism in others

Observe passive aggressive behaviour. Passive aggression is defined as a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings rather than directly communicating them. This can be through tone, a lack of following through with what was said, resentment towards the person expressed subtly. They may fall short on deadlines as a method of passive aggression. A cynical, sunken attitude is typical when expressing passive aggression. Frequent complaints about feeling under-appreciated or cheated.

Take notice of how they respond to criticism. As previously discussed, the covert narcissist will often become defensive when criticised, even for something they did wrong. Criticism conflates with their high ego, so they will either dismiss it or become defensive about not having done anything all that wrong. They can't take a hit at their fragile ego, so taking it on naturally isn't at all possible for them, even if they try their best to display it.

Identify a tendency to play the victim. Narcissists all tend to have a victim mentality in interpersonal relationships, as studies have shown. But the strange thing is, they truly believe that they ARE the genuine victim of even situations where they are not. A key feature of NPD is this tendency to live in a fantasy world, believing their beliefs of self-victimising to an extent that almost classifies them as delusional.

Watch for attention seeking behaviour. The covert narcissist may do anything for attention if they're desperate. Attention-seeking behaviour may include trauma dumping to garner sympathy, self-destructive behaviour, being controversial to provoke a reaction, and exaggerating their stories to gain more praise or sympathy. This can harm those around them, who must give them constant attention or encounter negative emotions and output.

Notice superficiality. Look for materialism, an emphasis on self-appearance, a lack of listening, or a judgemental nature. Covert narcissists are very superficial, spending a lot of their time focused on such things as their looks, their clothing, their social media and similar. They have an interest in gossip. Does not want to think seriously about anything, even essential matters.

Addressing covert narcissists

Keep a realistic view of the relationship. Because covert narcissists tend to be introverted, their self-absorption and manipulative behaviour can be easy to miss. Even if you recognise these traits, you might have unrealistic expectations about how quickly they can change.

Maintain healthy boundaries. Because they're so focused on their wants and needs, they tend not to take much notice of others' boundaries. So, you must set clear, defined boundaries around the things you decide are too much to take. Have consequences. What will you do if they cross your boundaries? Limiting contact can be a smart move. If they frequently make subtle insults, you might say, "I feel disrespected when you talk to me that way. If it happens again, I must limit our time together."

Seek external support. Relationships with covert narcissists can be unfulfilling. They may not listen unless they are the topic of every discussion. Your relationship may only seem calm when you put in excessive effort to appease them. Nurture healthier relationships. Take a bit of your focus off the narcissist. Instead, spend more time with friends who appreciate you and what you have to say! Seek therapy. If you get emotionally or psychologically manipulated, this can have detrimental impacts on your mental and physical health. As such, find a therapist who can help you work through these traumatic experiences with your covert narcissist.

Know when to leave. If the relationship is too taxing on your mental health, it may be time to try to end the relationship. Leaving can be difficult for many reasons; perhaps you love and care about them, but now recognise that their behaviour is detrimental to your well-being. If they refuse to treat you with respect, make the healthy choice and decide to go low contact. You can cut them off entirely where possible. Fully cutting someone off may not be reasonable if it is a family member; however, going lower contact and only seeing them on special occasions is a great way to get around this. It will be safer for you in the long run to cut off such a person if they are abusive or manipulative. It might be challenging, but remember, it's for the best.