- Many couples experience loneliness in their marriage due to stress, family and work, or unrealistic expectations for how the “perfect marriage” should be.
- The first step to overcoming your loneliness is talking to your partner about it. They may not know how you’re feeling—or they may be feeling the same way.
- You can overcome loneliness by making more efforts to spend time together and possibly by going to couples counseling.
What to Do if You’re Lonely in Your Marriage
Tell your spouse how you’re feeling. If you don’t feel close to your spouse, it can be tough to approach them to share what you’re going through, but it’s the first step to repairing your connection. They may not realize you’re suffering—they could even be feeling the same way. Consider if there’s a reason for this shift in your relationship. You may be going through a lull, or there may be something specific happening that’s affecting your dynamic. Being able to identify a specific cause for your rift may help you figure out how to address it. Avoid blaming them for the distance in your relationship, even if you feel it’s largely due to their actions. Using “I” statements can help you take accountability for your feelings and avoid coming off as accusatory. For instance, if they’ve recently taken on extra work and aren’t around much anymore, rather than say, “You’re working too much,” you might say, “I wish we could spend more time together,” or “I feel like we don’t see each other as much as we used to.”
Take intentional steps to feel closer. It can feel odd to think of love and attention as “intentional”; many people think of love as something organic that comes about on its own. But it’s like a plant: it’s unlikely to grow unless you take care of it. This will likely mean dedicating regular time to be together, but it could also involve learning one another’s love language and making an increased effort to show one another love accordingly. For example, if your partner says their love language is words of affirmation, try to sprinkle in more verbal reassurances of your love throughout the day. Even if it’s not your preferred way to receive love, practicing it in your relationship may make them feel seen and closer to you. Consider setting up weekly or biweekly date nights. These date nights may involve getting dressed up for a night out, or they may just mean taking 2 hours to yourselves to talk or be physically intimate after your kids have gone to bed. These movements towards intimacy don’t all have to involve grand gestures—even small togetherness rituals or low-pressure moments of intimacy can increase your feelings of connection and tenderness. For example, you might agree to ask one another about your days every evening after work, or try to wake up 15 minutes earlier each morning so you can chat over coffee before you part ways for the day.
Cultivate your life outside your marriage. As you work on your relationship with your spouse, also make a point of spending time on your own or with friends. Cultivating your identity outside of your marriage may help you feel more confident within your marriage and put less pressure on your spouse (and yourself), which may ironically make you feel more intimate with your spouse. As you set aside regular time to be with your spouse, do the same for your life outside your marriage: set up regular nights or days out with friends, join a club, or volunteer in your community. Do things that make you feel more like yourself, more passionate, and more independent. Keep in mind that cultivating a life outside your marriage isn’t meant to be a distraction from your relationship with your spouse or a substitute for real emotional intimacy with them.
Consider counseling. You and your partner may benefit from individual and/or couple’s therapy. If your rift isn’t something you can mend on your own or if your attempts to feel closer don’t seem to be working, consider reaching out to a licensed counselor: they may help you unpack any underlying or difficult issues preventing you and your partner from feeling closer. Take your time finding the right counselor for you and your spouse. If you know any trusted friends who have been in couples counseling, ask if they recommend anyone. Try to meet with 3 or 4 different counselors to "interview" them before committing to one. Therapy isn’t a substitute for a date, but you may consider following your couples therapy sessions with a coffee date or lunch to discuss the session—or you may make a point of not discussing the session right away and simply enjoy being together.
Consider ending the relationship if things don't improve. No marriage succeeds without hard work, and all couples go through funks now and again. In some instances, though, loneliness in a relationship is just a sign that the relationship isn’t meant to be. If your efforts to get closer to your spouse don’t seem to be succeeding, ask yourself if it’s time to be on your own. Psychologist John Gottman posits that there are 4 main predictors of divorce, which he calls the "4 Horsemen": criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. If any of these play a significant role in your relationship with your partner, it's not an automatic sign the relationship needs to end, but it may be worth considering if you want to stay together. You don't need to break up immediately if your efforts don't seem to be working. Taking a break to reflect on the relationship may help you figure out how to work through your problems: this may involve reuniting, or it may mean realizing the relationship isn’t meant to be.
Signs You’re Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage
You and your spouse don’t talk. You may spend a lot of time together, but it’s not quality time: you don’t really enjoy each other’s company or talk about deep stuff, and you just don’t feel as connected to them as you used to. Even though you’re together a lot, you feel like you’re all alone.
You find reasons to avoid spending time together. You may try to spend time by yourself or with others instead of your spouse, since you don’t feel connected to them. Their presence may even make you sad, as if you’ve lost something. You may opt to go out with friends or take up new hobbies to distract you from your marriage or to avoid facing the reality that you and your spouse just aren’t as close as you used to be.
You rarely or never have sex. If sex is a part of your relationship, not having it could be a sign you just don’t feel connected to your partner. Every couple goes through lulls, but if it’s been going on for a while and your lack of intimacy is bothering you or making you feel distant from your partner, it could indicate something in your relationship needs addressing. You may be experiencing more than just a drought in your sex life: you may not be cuddling or kissing as much as you used to.
Common Reasons for Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage
Stress Maybe you want to be close, but you or your spouse is dealing with stress that makes it hard to connect. The other pressures of life—work, family, finances, health concerns, the state of the world—can cause one or both of you to be too distracted or overwhelmed to be intimate, which can leave you feeling disconnected from one another. If a particular stressful event has occurred, such as a death, job loss, or other challenging situation, it could cause a rift in your relationship if you and your partner aren’t able to form a united front and support one another through the event. It’s easy for some people to shut down during hard times, but this may increase the distance between you both.
Family responsibilities If you and your partner have children, it can take a lot of attention away from your marriage. It can be easy to forego regular date nights when you’re exhausted from taking care of your kids on top of tending to your other responsibilities. You and your spouse may feel as if you only have time for working and taking care of your kids, and spending time together may just feel like too much work lately. Having kids can also make some couples feel less romantic, which can make it hard to feel close to one another.
Unrealistic expectations Many of us have an image in our minds of the perfect marriage, and it often includes 2 soul mates who are everything to one another. But nobody can meet all of their partner’s needs. If you feel lonely in your marriage, consider if you’re putting too much pressure on them to satisfy needs that could or should be met elsewhere. For instance, if you don’t have a strong social life outside of your marriage, this could lead you to be overly dependent on your spouse. Studies indicate couples today are more "enmeshed" (i.e., codependent) than in previous generations. Not having a developed life outside of your marriage can inhibit your self-esteem, which may leave you both more reliant on your spouse to meet your needs and hesitant to be vulnerable with them, and without being vulnerable, it’s almost impossible to be intimate. Studies also show social media may make people lonelier because it's easy to compare our messy, imperfect lives against the idealized lives portrayed online. Remember that the versions of “the perfect marriage” you see on social media may not be realistic.
Lack of effort in the relationship If you feel like your partner has stopped putting effort into your marriage, it’s natural to feel distant from them. Alternatively, when other distractions—like work or family—intervene, it can be easy to feel unmotivated to put effort into your relationship with your spouse, which can leave you both feeling disconnected. Once the honeymoon period of your relationship ends, it can be easy to let seemingly small things fall by the wayside: date nights, nice dinners, sex, time spent talking instead of zoning out watching TV. But these small acts of prioritization are what keep a relationship afloat.
Potential Effects of Loneliness in Marriage
Poor mental health Feeling lonely in your marriage can lead to increased risk of depression or anxiety. You may feel like you’re not seen by your partner in addition or as if you don’t have anyone to rely on. Uncertainty about whether to continue in the relationship may cause emotional distress as well.
Addiction People who suffer from loneliness are more likely to turn to alcohol or drug use. Feeling isolated or unseen in your marriage may increase the risk of becoming addicted to drugs or becoming an alcoholic.
Decreased immunity One study discovered that the white blood cells of lonely people were more inflamed—i.e., in “fight-or-flight” mode—than people who were not lonely. In other words, the poor mental health caused by loneliness in your marriage can lead to a weaker immune system, which may open you up to illness. Loneliness and a feeling that your marriage is failing may also cause considerable stress, which may raise your risk of cardiac disease or a stroke.
Final Thoughts
Loneliness in marriage is hard—but it can be overcome. Many, if not all, couples struggle with bouts of disconnection and loneliness from time to time. Even the strongest couples are at risk of becoming distant due to the stresses of the world or even for no apparent reason at all. Many couples are able to address their problem by being honest with one another and working to bring more intimacy back into their marriage. If you feel like your attempts to be close to your partner again aren’t succeeding, it may be tempting to try to avoid the problem, but in the end, sometimes it’s best to walk away or take a break from the relationship. Marriage is worth fighting for, but not at the expense of your own happiness and sense of peace.
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