How to Respond When Someone Calls You a Karen

• If someone calls you a Karen, take a deep breath to stay calm rather than reacting aggressively. This shows them that their words don’t mean anything to you.
• Ask for clarification as to why they called you a Karen and honestly tell them how their comment made you feel. For example, “That makes me feel really disrespected.”
• The term “Karen” is often used to refer to people (usually white, middle-class women) who act entitled, rude, and/or racist toward others.

How to React When Someone Calls You a Karen

Stay calm rather than getting angry. It can be really hard not taking things personally, but controlling your anger and staying calm shows the other person that their words don’t mean anything to you. When you react out of frustration, it also can suggest to the other person that their insult may have been somewhat true. If someone calls you a Karen, pause for a second and take a deep breath. Your first instinct might be to throw back a similar insult to them, but do your best to hold back and maintain your composure. Or, repeat a calm word or phrase in your head a few times to cool down your anger, such as “relax” or “calm down.”

Ask for clarification. If you think there may be a specific reason why someone called you a Karen, ask them directly. Say something like, “What makes you think that?” or “Could you tell me how you think I’m acting like a Karen?” Figuring out the "why" behind their statement can help you better understand what they meant by their comment and their intentions behind it. For example, it might be that they didn’t necessarily mean to insult you by calling you a Karen, but were instead trying to warn you about your behavior that might have come off as rude to others. If they don’t have a good reason, then it’s likely that their insult has little to no truth behind it, and it’s not actually a reflection of your character.

Tell them how their comment made you feel. Rather than responding with an insult or comeback of your own, be honest with them and tell them how their words made you feel. Use “I” statements to keep the focus on your emotions and avoid making it sound like you’re accusing them of something. For example, instead of saying, “You’re really mean, you know that?” say, “I felt really hurt hearing that.” Other things you might say include: “That makes me feel really disrespected.” “I don’t expect you to agree with me on everything, but I’d appreciate it if you treated me with respect.” “I don’t feel comfortable with you calling me that and promoting those kinds of stereotypes.”

Own up to your actions if you made a mistake. If there was something you did that the other person interpreted as being rather “Karen-like” (like a rude comment to a service worker or acting entitled), then acknowledge your mistake so that you can move past it. Even if it was something minor, consider this an opportunity to learn from your mistakes and grow as a person. Avoid putting the blame on someone or something else, and don’t try to make up excuses for your actions. Instead, if you’re the one at fault, own up to it and say something like, “I was acting insensitively and I’m sorry” or “There’s no excuse for my behavior.” Accepting your mistakes doesn’t mean you have to be overly harsh on yourself. After coming to terms with your mistakes, forgive yourself and show yourself compassion. This can help you move on from the situation and maintain a more positive mindset to learn from your mistakes.

Use humor to diffuse the tension. Humor, if used successfully, can be effective in undercutting the person’s insult and lightening the mood. However, avoid using humor that is meant to insult the other person since this can just end up escalating the situation even more. Some things you might say include: “Karen? I think you’ve got the wrong person. My name’s Sarah.” “I’m whatever you want me to be.” “You’re input has been noted. Anyways…”

Ignore them. While it may be hard to just let a comment like that go, sometimes it’s most beneficial to you if you simply ignore the other person. Switch the topic and avoid reacting to their comment. You also have the option to walk away from the other person and physically remove yourself from the conversation.

What is a Karen?

Karens are often women who act entitled and/or racist toward others. The name “Karen” now carries a negative connotation and has most often been used to refer to a white, middle-class woman who acts entitled, selfish, and/or rude toward others—though anyone who displays such behaviors might be considered to be a Karen. Some stereotypical behaviors that might cause someone to call someone else a Karen include: When a person asks to speak to the manager of a store to issue a complaint. When someone sends food back at a restaurant. When a person makes a racist comment or commits microaggressions against others. While “Karen” most often is used as an insult toward women, you may sometimes hear others refer to men as “Karens” as well.

How to Not Be a Karen

Be aware of your privilege. Throughout history, various groups have been given privileges by society based on things like their race, ethnicity, educational background, income status, and gender. These privileges are often earned through the oppression and suppression of other minority groups. Take a moment to think about the privileges you may have in your own life and recognize them for what they are. In most cases, you can’t get rid of these privileges, but recognizing them can help you avoid exploiting them. Be open to discussing issues of privilege with the people around you. Don’t be afraid to point out when it seems like certain situations are unfair due to privileges, and listen with an open mind to other people’s experiences and stories.

Practice empathy toward others. Behavior that people deem Karen-like can come off as selfish and entitled in some cases. To avoid giving off this impression to others, practice empathy toward and be patient with others—both close friends and family and strangers alike. Even when you’re feeling frustrated, take a deep breath and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Listen to their story if they’re willing to share, and keep an open mind. For example, instead of getting frustrated when someone messes up your coffee order, stay patient and simply calmly ask for another one. Maybe the worker is new and is still learning the ropes. Or maybe it was simply an honest mistake. Think about these things to practice empathy.

Recognize and unlearn implicit bias. Implicit bias is a form of bias that occurs unconsciously but can still affect a person’s judgment of others. They’re usually based on stereotypes that a person has come to internalize over time. To get rid of these implicit biases, reflect on any first impressions you have of a person that may come from something like their appearance, educational background, or job and question the validity of your assumptions. An example of implicit bias would be assuming that a young person in their 20s wouldn’t have enough work experience to be a good manager. Another example would be immediately picturing a female when hearing the words “kindergarten teacher.” Make a conscious effort to view the people around you as individuals rather than a member of a specific group.

Call out racist behavior—including your own. Racism is defined as a form of prejudice that views certain racial groups are different from others and asserts that these differences make them inferior. Racist behavior includes having negative emotional reactions to members of a certain racial group, believing racial stereotypes, and discriminating against certain groups. Whenever you see this happening, speak up. Call out others’ racist “jokes” or statements, and report any discriminatory behavior you see, especially if it’s somewhere like a place of work or school. Acknowledge any negative stereotypes you may hold about certain groups and actively work to try to change them. View every person as an individual rather than simply by their race or ethnicity. Educate yourself on ongoing issues of racism and discrimination. Just being informed can help you challenge your own biases and be more empathetic toward others.