How to Deal with Pressure in a Relationship
Relax your expectations for the relationship. Oftentimes, feeling an immense amount of pressure or anxiety about a relationship comes from having intense expectations or a results-oriented mindset. Rather than enjoying each day in the relationship and taking the moments as they come, you’re looking ahead to the next big decision, milestone, or end goal. “If you feel like you and your partner are always supposed to be having some sort of ‘relationship goals,’ high moment, and that’s not happening, you feel like you’re failing,” explains dating coach Chloe Carmichael, PhD. “So, the coping skill you want to learn is about how to manage your expectations.” “Try to go into your relationship without any expectations,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Denise Brady. “Look at it as an opportunity to learn about yourself…and not put so many expectations on yourself to be results-driven in dating.” Even if you’re in a committed relationship, adds dating coach John Keegan, “you want to still have that feeling that you’re learning about each other with each other…and there’s not an ownership factor. You can only learn that by removing the need that this person has to be my person forever, or whatever you’re trying to do.” However, concludes Dr. Carmichael, if your relationship is stressful for clear reasons, “like your partner constantly cheating, then there’s no amount of coping skills you need—except for to recognize that you’re in an untenable situation and you need to change that.”
Challenge any limiting beliefs you have about yourself or your relationship. Sometimes, we can get in our own way and end up creating a lot of the stress and anxiety in our relationships. For example, maybe you’ve internalized the belief that you’re unlovable or not good enough. While we can guarantee that this statement is not true, it can lead to you acting needy in your relationship, refusing to let others in, or otherwise self-sabotaging in a way that leads to the exact outcome you didn’t want—your relationship being stressful, anxiety-provoking, or over. Reflect on “what your inner dialogue is and why you’ve chosen to believe it,” instructs communication expert Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. “These dialogues are often deeply rooted within the core of our inner person…but, ultimately, it’s about changing our mindset, our perceptions, and our worldviews.” Start listening to your negative thoughts, says life coach Jennifer Butler, MSW. “Bring them to your awareness—you can even write them down and just start noticing the pattern. What’s the narrative?” “You’ll start to notice that your negative thoughts have a theme,” continues Butler. “That’s when you can start to dismantle them…and flip the script of what’s really true.” When new negative thoughts come up, advises Butler, “just continue the thought. So if it’s, ‘I never get the guy I want,’ instead say, ‘I never get the guy I want until now, and I’m learning how to show up more as myself so I get what I want in the future.’ Catch yourself in it, finish the thought, and end it in a deeper truth.”
Accept and respect the differences between you and your partner. If you and your partner differ in your backgrounds, cultures, religions, or viewpoints, then those differences can cause friction. Try to reframe these differences as a positive thing that makes each of you you, and as what makes your relationship as dynamic and growth-inducing as it is. “Understand that everyone is different,” says relationship coach Laura Bilotta. “You need to appreciate them for who they are and all that they bring to the table as individuals.” In a long-term relationship, “it’s also important to allow the person you’re with to grow and evolve, and allow them to have their different viewpoints and be respectful of them,” adds matchmaker April Davis. Ultimately, relationship coach Sixu Chen asserts that “you cannot change the other person. You have to ask yourself this question: ‘Will I accept this? Do I want to change this, or can I just leave it?’”
Consider your attachment style and whether it’s affecting your feelings. There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. According to attachment theory, each person has a specific style that’s developed in early childhood, and that also informs how they form and navigate relationships as teens and adults. If you haven’t already, it may be worth finding out your attachment style and considering how it may be affecting the dynamic of your relationship. “The best way to know about whether you have an anxious and avoidant or a secure attachment style is to read up on them and see which one seems to fit,” explains relationship counselor Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed therapist Jessica Swenson specifically recommends books like Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, and Attachment Theory in Practice by Sue Johnson. “There are also quizzes, surveys, and questionnaires that scholars have created to tell you what your attachment style is,” says developmental psychologist Leslie Bosch, PhD. “The number one thing you can do is become aware because, without awareness, you can’t really change anything.” Want to find your attachment style? Take our “What’s my attachment style?” quiz! It may also help to work with a therapist to unpack some of these things, continues Dr. Bosch. “An avoidant type, for instance, could work on gaining more emotional intelligence…and beginning to share more openly and authentically with their partner about what they’re feeling.”
Communicate with your partner when needs or conflicts arise. “Being able to effectively convey your feelings to your partner is an important part of being in a relationship,” says relationship coach Zach Pontrello. If something is making you feel anxious, upset, underappreciated, or otherwise frustrated in your relationship, let your partner know. Your partner can’t read your mind, so if they feel you pulling away and don’t know why, it can really damage your relationship. As relationship therapist Allen Wagner, MFT, MA, explains, “when people avoid larger issues and don’t address them, they always come back in small things, and you never know when it’s going to hit.” Wait for a calm moment and use “I” statements to calmly express to your partner how you’re feeling. Listen in return to your partner’s own feelings and responses. You can also say something like, “‘This is what I think could work to fix this specific issue I’m having. Let’s talk about what you think would work, and then let’s work on it together,’” says relationship coach Candice Mostisser. “If you want to have more communication” in general, not just when you’re dealing with a specific issue, “then there has to be a focus on it,” adds Wagner. “You both have to set a plan for how you’re going to do it.” EXPERT TIP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Set aside time each week for a relationship check-in. Choose a few discussion questions to see how you’re both feeling in the relationship—e.g., “How do we feel about our relationship today?” “Is there anything unresolved from this week that we need to address?” “How can I make you feel more loved in the next week?”
Learn to collaborate with your partner on healthy compromises. When you have friction with your partner or can’t come to an easy agreement on something, it’s important to work with your partner toward a compromise—remember that the two of you are a team working against a problem, not two parties working against each other. “You’re probably never going to be on 100% the same page,” says licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, “but that doesn’t mean that you can’t engage in the compromise process to get closer to each other.” In order to compromise, explains dating coach Alessandra Conti, “the two of you want to work together to figure out what the core thing is that you both want. Then, look at which areas are flexible.” “For example, if I want to have a family dinner,” offers Conti, “I might say, ‘It can be any time and any food you want, I just want to have a family dinner—that is non-negotiable. But everything else can be flexible.” “If you can’t compromise,” warns Butler, “there’s probably some sort of narrative in your head that says something like, ‘If I give in, I’m weak or I’ll be taken advantage of.’” If you feel that way, it’s worth addressing, potentially by working with a therapist.
Frequently reassure your partner of your love and care. Everyone likes to know that they’re loved and cared for in a relationship. Even if you’re aware of how much you adore your partner and want to be with them, it’s important to make that explicitly clear to them in both good times and bad. As relationship expert Connell Barrett puts it, “make your partner feel appreciated and significant. It doesn’t matter so much what you do to do that as long as you do something every day, like telling them they’re beautiful every day.” Barrett goes on to explain that “we all have a deep, in-wired, psychological need to feel special, significant, and appreciated. A lot of relationships start to sputter when one or both people stop making the other person feel like they’re number one for them.” However, it’s also important to have your partner’s love languages and individual needs in mind when trying to make them feel loved and important. For instance, if your partner’s love language is acts of service, but you only tell them you love them and never do concrete things to show them you love them, they may not internalize the message as clearly. “Every person has their own unique emotional needs,” adds licensed clinical psychologist Melissa Matos, “and it’s important to ask your partner about the ways that they prefer to have emotional support and reassurance communicated to them.”
Spend some time away from your partner, if needed. Taking space doesn’t necessarily mean taking a break. Instead, you’re just spending a bit more time alone or with your friends. This gives you a better chance to miss your partner and remember the value they bring to your life! To ask your partner for some space, professional dating coach Patti Novak Williams suggests saying something like, “‘I really like you and am enjoying your company, but I’ve gotten really used to alone time and I know that I need that to be the best me.’” “What’s especially important when asking your partner for more space,” adds relationship coach Cristina Morara, “is to make them feel secure and not make them feel like you’re going to be away from them.” “What you’re really looking for is time to be with yourself, to pursue your personal passions, or to have more time with your friends,” continues Morara. “Whatever it is, the key is to make them feel secure, not threatened.” You also need to define “what that space means,” says marriage and family therapist Jessica George, MA, CHt. “Always state for how long you’re leaving and when you’ll be back. Check in with them, if appropriate—a simple text goes a long way.” Be especially careful if “your partner comes from a traumatic background based in abandonment,” George continues. “That’s not to say that you need their approval to get space, but merely that you should show respect for their feelings as well.”
Get an outside perspective from trusted loved ones. When you’re inside your own relationship, it can be hard to see things totally clearly and objectively. In some cases, getting a fresh perspective by talking to someone who’s not involved in the relationship can be really helpful. For example, a friend or family member who has no stake in your relationship and who you generally consider to be wise, mature, and someone who makes good life decisions. Ask them what they think about the situation—they may be able to present it to you in a different way and help to relieve some of the pressures you’re feeling. Communication therapist Rebecca Tenzer, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, also suggests “going to therapy…so that there’s a third person mediating the conversation. It’s not just about finding the truth or getting answers, but there’s also an added piece in the process of recreating friendship, intimacy, and rebuilding the relationship.”
Address any external opinions that are affecting your relationship. If any of your relatives is putting stress on the relationship because they don’t approve, try to talk to this person (or persons) and calmly describe how you feel and why this relationship works for you. However, also be open to hearing their perspective. While you may not be able to change their mind completely, you may be able to make them see that you’re acting with thought and maturity, which might help them understand that you’re able to handle these big decisions on your own. “If the person isn’t close to you and isn’t someone you think has wise or mature opinions,” says relationship expert Elvina Lui, MFT, “you don’t necessarily need to take them seriously. However, if their opinion made a lot of sense, then take their perspective more seriously and weigh it against your own.” “This doesn’t mean that you need to blindly agree,” continues Lui, “even if they’re more experienced in life. Just let this be one additional data point that you consider, among all your data points.” “The trickiest situation,” as described by Lui, “is disapproval coming from people closest to you, and even people who normally give very solid advice, but this time you just don’t agree with them….You don’t have to fight them—in fact, go thank them, and tell them you need time to observe and evaluate their words. Maybe they’re right and you need to view your relationship in a different light.” “After you’ve taken the time to digest what they said and make your own observations,” concludes Lui, “come to a conclusion for yourself. If you end up disagreeing after taking the time to carefully evaluate things, go back and settle this—that you disagree with their assessment, you want to continue your relationship with your partner, and you would like this loved one to come to acceptance.”
Signs You’re Feeling Stress or Pressure in a Relationship
Increased conflict If you and your partner are frequently arguing, having heated disagreements, and seeing even tiny issues escalate into major conflicts, you’re likely feeling some stress or pressure on the relationship. This can stem from a number of issues, but it often involves a lack of open and honest communication, or at least one partner feeling unheard or misunderstood. You may also be feeling afraid of upsetting your partner by bringing up more issues, which can only exacerbate the problem and lead to larger conflicts in the long run. While this is a sign of pressure, it’s not always a sign that a relationship is doomed—especially if you recently had a major conflict or event that was difficult for your relationship. In these cases, you may need some time for the dust to settle and to find equilibrium again as a couple. Bouncing back from a major hardship “is not a quick process that can be rushed,” says Tenzer. “People often think that, a few weeks after an incident takes place, they should be able to bounce back to where they were in the relationship prior to the incident that caused mistrust. Although it seems as though trust can be lost overnight, it can take a much longer time to rebuild.”
Emotional distance If you feel yourself emotionally withdrawing from your relationship, pulling away from your partner, or becoming less emotionally available to them, you’re likely feeling some stress and anxiety that’s affecting your behavior in the relationship. Emotional distance can also affect physical intimacy—you might lose interest in sex and affection, or even find it difficult to engage in or feel present during intercourse. Sometimes, this can happen because you feel emotionally unsupported in a relationship—you then feel more isolated and start to withdraw in order to protect yourself, which only makes your partner feel equally emotionally unsupported. "Closing emotional distance in a relationship requires a look at how, when, and why the distance occurred in the relationship,” says licensed clinical psychologist and professional life coach Susan Pazak, PhD. “Look at the event or situation that caused the walls to go up. Choose to forgive. Talk and open the lines of communication to talk about what has happened."
Overthinking and anxiety Relationship anxiety and patterns of overthinking are really common, but they can pose a big challenge to relationships finding a sturdy footing and going the distance. You may be overthinking in a relationship if things are generally good but you still frequently feel scared about the relationship ending and being rejected, overanalyze small interactions to the point of making yourself anxious, or need constant reassurance from your partner about their feelings. You might also engage in self-sabotaging behavior like picking fights or pushing away your partner to cope with your anxiety. Tenzer explains that, "if you find yourself overthinking things in a relationship, it’s probably due to the fact that you’re lacking communication skills, not validating emotions, and/or not empathizing with your partner." Fortunately, these are all things you can work on through your own self-reflection and internal work, communication with your partner, and speaking with a trusted counselor.
Physical symptoms of illness In some cases, you might feel physical symptoms related to stress, anxiety, or pressure. You might have unexplained and sudden headaches or stomach issues, and you may have trouble sleeping or concentrating on simple tasks. You might also experience common stress responses, like an increased heart rate or sweating.
Common Relationship Stressors
Sex & Intimacy Sex and intimacy are a common source of friction in relationships. Partners can differ in their needs and desires for intimacy when it comes to frequency, style, or even the inclusion of kinks. One partner may also be interested in an open or polyamorous relationship, while the other wants a monogamous relationship. Or, maybe one person is more comfortable with public displays of affection than their partner. What can you do? Have open, honest, and ongoing conversations about each other’s needs and preferences regarding intimacy. Try to meet each other’s needs without forcing yourself or your partner to do anything that feels uncomfortable or unsafe. Consider scheduling date nights or private time together where you can do something you both enjoy and rebuild your intimacy. If you find yourself continually struggling to be vulnerable and open yourself up to your partner, “it’s possible that you have deeper issues with intimacy,” says Lui. “Perhaps you’ve been hurt before and it’s hard for you to be vulnerable—you can go to a therapist to specifically address and resolve this issue.”Consent is always the most important part of sex and intimacy. You should never feel forced, coerced, pressured, or guilted into any type of sexual act—this is not consent. Both partners must be enthusiastic, informed, and voluntary participants in sex every time you have it.
Quality Time & Time Management Some relationship conflicts stem from one or both partners failing to make enough time for each other. Between needs for alone time, time with friends, and time for responsibilities, it can be challenging to juggle and make room for enough quality time together as a couple. Plus, two partners might have differing expectations about how much time they should be spending together and what that time together should entail. These expectations might even change as the relationship evolves and becomes more serious. If you or your partner feels that the other doesn’t make enough time for the relationship, it may lead to feelings of resentment, jealousy, or emotional suffocation. What can you do? Share with your partner precisely how much time you want to spend together and what other priorities you have to make time for. Find ways to align your schedules so you can spend more time together, if possible. Choose a new hobby to try together so that you’ll have built-in quality time to discover new experiences. Be honest with your partner when you feel like you need some alone time or space.
Money & Finances Financial stress is an extremely common cause of conflict in relationships. You may come from different financial backgrounds, giving you different values about the importance of money, spending habits, and saving money. Conflicts can also arise from financial inequity or an imbalance of power—particularly if one partner has more money than the other, either from employment or familial wealth. In some cases, the partner with fewer financial resources might feel like they “owe” the other partner or like they can’t afford the things that their partner wants or wants to do. What can you do? Be clear from the beginning about what your finances look like, what you can afford, and what you can’t afford. “Always have an open path of communication about your finances. Never avoid having a discussion about financial matters,” says Dr. Brown. Avoid using money as “leverage” during disagreements that are not money-related. Before moving in together or getting married, matchmaker and dating coach Lauren Sanders advises “to think about where this person stands financially and how you both feel about finances in the future. Will you share bank accounts? Will one person pay most bills? Discuss finances and make sure that you’re on the same page.” Maintain separate bank accounts to keep things fair and secure, both during the relationship and in the case that the relationship ends. In more extreme cases, you may be dealing with financial infidelity. “Financial infidelity can feel like a betrayal,” says Dr. Brown, “and it may create a wedge between you and your partner. It is possible to recover from financial infidelity, but you must want to reconcile and begin moving your relationship forward. Don’t lay blame or shame on your partner—allow them to accept their role in the financial mishap.”
Career & Professional Stress You or your partner’s jobs can contribute pressure to the relationship in a number of ways. Stress at work often translates to stress in the home, even more so if someone is laid off or is working overtime to achieve a professional goal. These stressors can lead to emotional strain, feelings of neglect, resentment, or a lack of quality time (which can spiral into a host of other relationship issues). What can you do? Have open discussions with your partner about work-related challenges and how they’re impacting you. Create clear work-life boundaries so that your personal time is protected. Make a conscious effort to spend quality time building connections together. Support your partner’s professional goals and celebrate their successes. “Avoid blaming or looking down on the other person. If your spouse has career problems, gets fired, or makes a mistake, be empathetic,” says Liu. “Be supportive and encourage them. Trust that they have the fortitude and skill to get another job or fix whatever the problem is in their career.” EXPERT TIP Elvina Lui, MFT Elvina Lui, MFT Marriage & Family Therapist Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model. Elvina Lui, MFT Elvina Lui, MFT Marriage & Family Therapist In the face of external pressure, don’t blame each other. Instead, be on each other's side, have their back, and declare that you will always be there for each other. In hardship, band together and be good teammates. If you do this successfully, hardships will strengthen the relationship.
Trust & Jealousy Issues with insecurity, jealousy, or distrust can come up for genuine reasons—i.e., a past infidelity—or for no discernible reason that’s clear to either partner. In either case, these feelings can quickly create major problems in a relationship. Sometimes, a partner may have trust issues because of something that happened in a past relationship or because of something that their current partner has said or done. In other cases, however, these feelings of insecurity can be entirely internal—for whatever reason, you might feel unworthy of your partner and certain that they’ll step out on you for reasons to do with your own low self-worth. What can you do? Calmly talk to your partner about the feelings you’re having and how you can work through them together. If you think your feelings are coming entirely from your own insecurities, consider seeking support from a therapist. “If you have trust issues from previous relationships,” says Dr. Vossenkemper, “that’s usually yours to resolve, own, and work through when you’re in a current relationship where there’s been no breaking of trust.” If you’ve been unfaithful to your partner, Lui advises to “be patient and show that you’re sorry. This could take a while, but your partner will heal eventually—they’ll appear angry at times and sad at times, and they might seem back to normal, then back to angry. They’re acting this way because you hurt them, and you have the power to help them heal faster by being loving, patient, and remorseful.”
How to Know If You Should Continue the Relationship
If your relationship is mostly happy and healthy, try to work through it. If you’re navigating a difficult time in a relationship, “instead of breaking up as the one solution, maybe the relationship needs repair and improvement,” suggests Lui. “Things may be bad right now, but what if you two came together and worked to repair and improve things?” Similarly, relationship coach Sarah Schewitz, PsyD, suggests trying “couples therapy if you really feel like you want this to work, you love this person, but you’re just not getting along. That’s the place where you should probably reach out for help and acknowledge that you don’t have the skills to fix it.” Here are some signs that your relationship may be worth sticking with, even through this difficult moment: You share similar core values and goals for what you want out of life and a relationship. You generally feel fulfilled and satisfied—emotionally, socially, and physically. You genuinely trust and believe that your partner will care for and listen to you. Your partner feels welcomed by your loved ones, and you feel welcomed by theirs. You feel like you can truly tell your partner anything—the good, the bad, and the ugly. You and your partner respect each other’s alone time. You and your partner handle negative feelings (like insecurity or jealousy) with kindness and maturity. You ask for change when it’s needed, and you see your partner’s efforts to make that change. You feel excited about your partner and your future together.
If conflict is extremely frequent, it may be time to walk away. Even when you love your partner, some relationships just don’t work out—but it can be hard to know whether it’s just a difficult moment, or if it’s really time to walk away. Liu recommends starting to “list out the things you want and even demand from your relationship—e.g., ‘I need my partner to be emotionally supportive.’ This will be your set of guidelines that will make everything clear, and, as you can see, they’re reasonable and mutually beneficial…Identifying your needs and how they have not been met is the first step to fixing or ending the relationship.” Here are some other signs that it may be time to walk away from a relationship: You and your partner are consistently jealous and don’t take action to rebuild trust. You feel like you’re unhappy in your relationship, but can’t ask for more because past requests have been ignored. You’re seeking out validation, support, and intimacy from other people because your partner doesn’t provide them for you. There are “deal breakers, like one partner wanting a kid while the other doesn’t,” says relationship counselor Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Your friends and family don’t support your relationship, and you trust that they have your best interests at heart. You feel stuck or obligated to remain in the relationship. You just can’t “make it work” and remain unhappy, despite both of you making efforts to improve the relationship. Keegan suggests other signs, such as: Your partner doesn’t “put effort into making you feel heard and understood.” Your partner doesn’t make you “feel special in some way.” Your partner isn’t interested in “making sure you’re being fulfilled sexually or in the relationship beyond whatever they just feel like doing.”
When to End the Relationship Immediately
If you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, end it immediately. Emotional, physical, financial, or any other type of abuse is never acceptable in a relationship. If your relationship has started to become unhealthy, you feel unsafe, or you recognize signs of abuse in your partner’s behaviors, seek outside help to remove yourself from the relationship. If you see any of the following signs of relationship abuse, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to get support and develop a safety plan for leaving your partner: Your partner threatens, intimidates, or humilates you—both in private and in public. Your partner manipulates you into thinking or behaving in a certain way. Your partner controls your access to money or info about your own or shared finances. Your partner doesn’t allow you to be financially independent. Your partner uses email, texts, social media, GPS tracking, or another device to harass, control, or keep tabs on you. Your partner hits, shoves, kicks, bites, or chokes you. Your partner damages your personal property, harms your pets, or withholds necessities like food and medication. Your partner refuses to use birth control. Your partner brags about cheating. Your partner withholds affection as an act of coercion. Tenzer offers additional signs, including: “Your significant other often asks you to do things that you don’t want to do.” “You find yourself isolating from family, friends, and avoiding previously enjoyable activities to meet the needs of your partner.” “You’re engaging in sexual activities that aren’t desirable.”
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