How to Identify & Cope with a Narcissistic Mother

• Narcissistic moms often share common traits such as the need for attention, a lack of empathy, and the desire to exploit and manipulate others.
• If your mother displayed narcissistic behaviors, you may struggle with low self-esteem and/or mental health issues like anxiety or depression.
• Dealing with your mom today requires setting firm boundaries. Minimizing or cutting off contact may be necessary for your own well-being.
• Some strategies for healing include journaling, nurturing yourself as a loving parent would, and participating in trauma therapy.

What is a narcissistic mother?

Narcissistic moms often act as though they’re the center of the universe. A mother with narcissistic characteristics may not view her children as individuals with their own needs and emotions. Since she sees them as an extension of herself, she can be demanding and unforgiving. She may frequently engage in selfish, competitive, and manipulative behavior. Less than 1% of people are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Even if someone doesn't meet the clinical definition of having NPD, they can display similar traits. Whether or not your mother has been diagnosed with NPD doesn’t alter the pain of being raised by someone who displays narcissistic characteristics.

Signs of a Narcissistic Mother

Your mother may not have demonstrated concern for you. Emotional neglect is common when a child has a narcissistic parent. You may have felt invisible despite desperate attempts to earn her affection. You mother might not have responded to your feelings in a validating way. For example, instead of comforting you when you had a stomach ache, a narcissistic mother might say something like, “Quit crying, you don’t see me crying every time my stomach hurts.”

She may have been moody and unpredictable. Your mother might have swung from being sweet and kind to you in front of others to raging at you as soon as you got in the car. It’s typical for someone with narcissistic traits to brag about their kid in public while treating them badly behind closed doors. Image is usually very important to a mother with narcissistic tendencies. She likes to present a facade of perfection to the world.

She may have been competitive with you. Narcissists love to win, often at any cost. If your mom saw you succeeding, she might have acted cruelly because she felt jealous and threatened. Chances are, she didn’t want anyone to outshine her, not even her own kid. Say you were thrilled about winning second place in a competition. Your mom might have shrugged and said something like, “Big deal. Being the second-place winner just makes you the first-place loser.”

She probably acted as though the world revolved around her. She likely enjoyed being the center of attention and had a knack for turning conversations back to her favorite topic: herself. She may have truly believed that her opinion was the only one that mattered. For instance, your mother may have ended arguments by saying, “I’m the grown-up and I know best.” Your viewpoint was probably ignored and debates were quickly shut down.

She may have used you as a “tool.” Instead of seeing you as an individual, she probably used you to fulfill her own goals and desires. She may not have seen anything wrong with taking advantage of you: maybe she “borrowed” money from your piggy bank or forced you to clean up after her. It’s common for a narcissistic parent to put their own needs above everyone else’s. They tend to think their wants are more important because they believe they’re more important. Because a narcissistic mom sees her child as an extension of herself, she may become enraged by her kid’s mistakes. For example, she might take it personally when her child forgets to hand in a school project: “Do you have any idea how bad this makes me look?!”

She was probably sensitive to criticism. It's likely she viewed any sort of feedback as an insult or a threat. As a child, you may have felt like you were always “walking on eggshells.” You might have been afraid to speak up because you didn’t know what might trigger your mom’s anger. For example, she might have complained about how much work it was to cook dinner, only to explode if you suggested a simpler meal like sandwiches: “You don’t like my cooking?!” “You don’t appreciate anything I do!”

She may have employed manipulative tactics to get her way. She could have used shame, guilt, or anger to coerce you into doing what she wanted. Gaslighting is also common; maybe she claimed things happened differently than they did and blamed you whenever things went wrong. Gaslighting refers to a form of abuse that makes the victim feel like they’re “crazy.” By confusing the victim and undermining their perception of reality, the abuser is able to gain power and maintain control. To identify gaslighting behavior, ask yourself if she changes the subject to avoid answering questions, if she accuses you of being oversensitive, or if she says you’re hurting her feelings whenever you try to express your own pain.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother

Keep your expectations in check by realizing she's unlikely to change. Recognize that narcissistic people rarely take accountability for their actions. Since they tend to lack self-awareness, they don’t often take ownership of the destruction they’ve caused. It’s painful to realize you may never hear the apology you deserve, but coming to terms with the fact that your mom is unlikely to change can help you focus on changes you have the power to make, such as redefining what your relationship looks like today.

Establish firm boundaries and don't let her bulldoze them. Setting limits can be scary, especially if you were shamed for even trying in the past. However, deciding for yourself what behaviors are unacceptable is an essential part of developing positive relationships. Clarify what is important to you and don’t negotiate when it comes to your needs. It’s helpful to make a list of which actions you’re willing to tolerate and which cross the line. Attach a consequence to the behavior: “If you shout at me over the phone, I will hang up.” Share the list with your mom via email so you each have a copy.

Refuse to respond to her outbursts. The "grey rock method" is a strategy that can help break destructive the loop of relationship patterns. When someone treats you poorly, emotionally disengage and withhold any reaction. The aggressor gains less satisfaction from the encounter because you didn’t behave in the way they wanted. Grey rocking may enrage someone who has narcissistic characteristics. If you feel your physical safety is in jeopardy, do not attempt this method. If you’re experiencing abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help. In the US, call 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If you need help right away, call emergency services.

Limit your interactions for your own well-being. Minimizing contact with your mother may be beneficial to your mental health. If your mother has narcissistic tendencies, interactions with her are likely exhausting. She may expect you to fill her bottomless need for attention and admiration. Being selective about when and how you choose to interact with her may be wise. For example, you might set time limits on your phone calls. Or, you may choose to only spend time together on special occasions.

Cut off contact if the dynamic is too toxic. If you feel like you’ve tried everything and your relationship is still causing you pain, it might be time to break ties with your mother. When a relationship has a high emotional or mental cost, it often isn’t worth the price you pay. Unless your mom can agree that you have a right to have your own perspective and voice, your dysfunctional relationship won't improve. This isn't because you didn't try hard enough; it's because she refuses to treat you fairly. If you’re concerned for your physical safety, experts recommend creating a safety plan and going “cold turkey” with absolutely no contact.

Strategies for Healing

Educate yourself about narcissism. Learning more about narcissism and how it impacts the family dynamic can be enlightening and validating. You’re already off to a great start since you’re reading this article. You may also find it helpful to check out websites like the National Library of Medicine and the American Psychological Association.

Journal about your experiences and emotions. Writing about your childhood is a way for you to speak your truth. If you’ve always stuffed down your feelings, letting them out in a journal can be healing. As you look back on the scenarios that have caused you pain, you may find that you have a clearer perspective now. As you write about these incidents, consider whether your mom’s behavior was rational. Did you deserve to be treated that way? Would you treat a child like that? Answering these questions objectively may help lessen the shame you carry.

Nurture your inner child by treating yourself with compassion. Growing up with a narcissistic mother can leave a painful hole. “Self-parenting” can help fill it. The idea is to show yourself the level of empathy you wish your mother had given you as a kid. As you practice this, you’ll come to believe that you deserve to be cared for. If you receive a bad review at work, your instinct might be to shame yourself. Instead, think about how a caring mother might treat you. Make yourself a mug of hot cocoa (with extra marshmallows) and tell yourself, “Today was hard, but tomorrow will be easier.”

Participate in therapy to reframe painful experiences. If your mother has controlled and manipulated you for years, it’s helpful to get an outsider’s perspective of your relationship dynamic. A therapist offers a safe environment for you to explore your feelings. It’s an opportunity to receive the sort of validation you’ve been longing for. If you were emotionally neglected by your mother, seeking out a therapist who specializes in trauma treatment may be helpful. They’re trained to help you break out of the negative thought patterns and self-protective behaviors that can dominate your life. You might be more comfortable engaging in therapy from the comfort of your own home. Platforms such as BetterHelp offer online therapy sessions with mental health professionals.

Long-Term Effects of Having a Narcissistic Mother

Difficulty navigating relationships If you were raised by a narcissistic mother, you may have developed people-pleasing tendencies that affect your relationships with friends and romantic partners. These relationships can become codependent and unbalanced as you become hyperfocused on their needs. Growing up with an unpredictable parent who didn’t offer consistent love can make you reluctant to let your guard down. If your mom broke your trust time and time again, you may not feel secure enough to open up to a partner. It's possible to break out of these harmful thought patterns. Participating in one-on-one therapy sessions or couples therapy can help.

Low self-esteem After years of enduring your mother’s criticism, you may feel inadequate and unworthy of love. If you grew up believing that you were always wrong and that your feelings didn’t matter, you may have trouble trusting the legitimacy of your needs. A controlling mother can stifle your ability to develop a natural sense of intuition. You may frequently doubt yourself and second-guess your decisions. Repeating affirmations can help you overcome feelings of self-doubt. When you feel overwhelmed, try telling yourself, "I'm doing my best, and that is enough," or, "I am smart and capable."

Trouble setting boundaries A narcissistic mother often overrules boundaries: after all, she likely views her kids as an extension of herself. If you weren’t allowed to have autonomy and boundaries in childhood, you may continue to struggle with setting them later in life. You may find yourself in a pattern of “consent and resent,” where you say yes to things you aren’t okay with, then feel upset with yourself and others. As you practice setting boundaries, the sense of powerlessness your mother instilled will give way to feelings of empowerment.

Seeking external validation If you grew up with a mother who showed narcissistic characteristics, you may have a tendency to continuously seek approval from others. Your sense of self-worth may be strongly tied to outside feedback. This is a continuation of the childhood pattern of desperately trying to earn love from a selfish parent. This can manifest as being an overachiever or a perfectionist. A part of you might believe that if you just tried harder, you could finally prove your worth. It can be hard for you to see that you’re already worthy of love, just as you are.

Developing mental health issues It isn’t uncommon for children of narcissistic parents to develop problems such as depression and anxiety. You may have experienced trauma from emotional neglect or from your mother’s angry outbursts and cruel words. Internalizing the messages parents send is a normal part of child development. If the message you received was, “You aren’t important,” it isn’t surprising if you’re facing mental health struggles. It isn’t your fault, and there’s no shame in asking for help.