Adjusting Your Mentality
Acknowledge your emotions. You may want to ignore the painful feelings the situation brings up or pretend your feelings do not exist. Recognize that by pushing your feelings away, you create more negative emotions. It’s better to accept your feelings and work through them. Don’t try to rationalize the way you feel; the only way to work through your emotions is by feeling them. For example, if you lose your job, it’s okay to admit you feel angry, upset, fearful, and vengeful. Set aside 15 minutes each day to feel your emotions. Don’t let your mind interfere, just sit and feel what you feel. You can journal your thoughts and feelings. Don’t be afraid to cry. Crying releases negative chemicals from the body, and also helps relieve stress, lift your mood, and help you deal with painful circumstances.
Modify your thinking. Try to view the situation as an opportunity to grow and improve. For example, try reminding yourself of how strong and resilient you are during tough times. When you look at things from this perspective, it’s a lot more empowering. If you didn’t get into the college you wanted to attend, your world isn’t over and you won’t lose your shot at having a career. Remember that you have options and that positive things will come of the situation. Try to keep your worries in perspective. Try asking yourself, “Is this worry really that bad in the grand scheme of things?” If you are worried about something in the future, ask yourself, “How likely is it that this will really happen?” If you find that you are worrying incessantly, try choosing a “worry time.” At the beginning of each day, select a 15 minute time interval, in advance, when you can worry about your problems. If thoughts of any problems try to intrude outside of the designated “worry time,” then remind yourself that it’s not “worry time” yet.
Face your reality gap. Often life gives you one option when you wanted an entirely different option. The greater distance between what you have and what you want, the greater pain you may experience. Recognize that the reality you wanted did not come true, and you must now live in a different reality. Instead of resenting your situation, acknowledge that you must adapt to your situation. For instance, if you lack financial resources, don’t keep spending money like you did before. Acknowledge that your spending habits may need to change.
Practice acceptance. Many things in life are out of your control, from the traffic on the highway to your boss being irritable at work. Instead of getting wound up and irritated at these situations, take a breath and practice accepting what is out of your control. While you cannot control the situation, you can control your reaction. You can practice acceptance through meditation. Write a list of all the things that are out of your control. Then, close your eyes and slow your breathing until you are in a meditative state. Imagine handing your list over to a higher power and letting those things go.
Give gratitude. Even in the most dire of circumstances, having a grateful attitude can provide a much needed perspective that widens your experience beyond your current pain. Even if you feel like you have lost many things, take a moment and acknowledge what you do have, especially the non-material things such as friendship, physical ability, or pleasant weather. Set aside time each day to reflect on what you are grateful for: you may be grateful for your dog, your children, a beautiful sunset, a pleasant walk, or a much-needed phone call with your sister. Take a few moments and express gratitude for these things. Remember the toughest points in your life, then remember that you are right here, having successfully worked through those situations and the dark times. You were able to endure that before, and you can endure this now.
Be resilient. Resiliency is engaging the process of adapting to changes, whether they be temporary, life-long, or crisis situations. Look at the big picture and don’t see difficulties as never-ending. They will end, and you will get through it. Resiliency doesn’t develop when stress is removed from life, it develops when you’re exposed to stress and have adequate time and tools to recover. For example, you may break your leg and not be able to walk for quite some time. Resiliency means finding ways to adapt to your new situation-- like excelling at physical therapy to build up strength, and getting good with a wheelchair or crutches-- knowing that you as a person will prevail, even if your ability changes. Reflect on past difficulties and what you gained from them. Some people report feeling more confident in their abilities or having a deeper appreciation of life. Know that there is likely some lessons for you to learn through this experience.
Practice spirituality. Many people find spirituality helpful when coping with difficult events. Some positive spiritual coping methods include calling in support from a higher power, spiritual forgiveness, reframing the situation from a meaningful benevolent framework, and meditating on positive things.
Taking Positive Action
Problem solve. While many problems require time and healing, some problems can be solved with a little effort and thoughtful consideration. Think about problems you are facing that may have a solution. This can include work, finances, family, friendships, romantic relationship, and educational stresses. Write down as many solutions as you can think of for each item that you listed. It doesn’t matter whether a particular solution seems realistic or not, just write them all down. It’s amazing which solutions can actually be helpful, so you don’t want to disregard any of them in the initial brainstorming session. For example, if you and your partner always talk about finances right before bed and end up going to bed angry, start moving your discussions to the morning and have enough time to adequately talk through all issues. Once you know what the solutions are, be sure to create a specific actionable plan to move forward. This will probably require you to identify specific goals and the action steps that you will take to meet the goals. For more information on goal attainment, check out How to Set Goals and Achieve Them.
Ask for support. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or advice. If you are overwhelmed or if you don’t know what to do about something, there are many people who are willing to help. Whether you talk about your difficulties with family, friends, or a therapist, it can be cathartic to verbally express what’s going on to someone else. Don’t try to do it all alone. Trying to live life without support only intensifies the struggle and makes life feel worse. Don’t let pride get in the way of you seeking help. No one knows everything and you can always reciprocate later. Talking about your problems can allow someone to give you unique perspective that you may not have considered. When you talk to someone else, let them know what you want. If you want feedback, ask for thoughts or feelings regarding your situation. If you just want someone to listen, make that clear. Sometimes well-intentioned people will give you feedback to try and solve your problem when all you want is to vent.
Prioritize self-care. Despite your hardships, much of life may need to go on, including taking care of kids or putting in 40 hours at your job. While getting through this difficult time, make sure you are doing things to care for your body and your emotions. It can be easy to stretch yourself thin meeting other peoples’ needs, but make time to meet your own needs, too. Be sure that you are eating healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and intentionally creating joy in your life. Find things you enjoy doing and do them. Treat your body to a massage. Find time to journal and express your thoughts and emotions. Find 20 minutes each day to meditate or take a power nap. Take a walk or go for a hike if you don’t have the time or energy to go to the gym. Laughing decreases stress. Watch funny wipeout videos or silly animal videos to keep you laughing. Staying positive also helps. Always search for the silver lining in everything.
Take a break. If you feel overwhelmed by your life situation, take a break. A break can come in many forms: it can be a vacation, a weekend getaway, or even a long walk. Taking a break can even be engaging in distraction, such as reading a book, watching a movie, or going to the gym. Find out what distractions help you cope (not run away from your problems). Find activities you enjoy and go do them! This can also include going hiking, horseback riding, or writing in a journal.
Engage in therapy. Sometimes it can be most helpful to talk to a mental health professional when dealing with difficult times. A therapist is someone who is there to support you and ask questions that help you gain a different perspective. A therapist can help you uncover the root of your problems, work through emotional struggles, and help you make positive changes in your life. Therapy helps you explore yourself and your situation in a way that encourages growth. A therapist can be helpful in a number of situations. If you experience job stress, relationship problems, or difficulty coping, a therapist can help.
Help others. When going through crisis, much of your attention gets placed onto yourself and your situation, which can eventually be draining. Set aside some time to volunteer and help others to put your focus on other people. You can increase your own happiness by helping others. Offer to help out a friend with errands. Volunteer your time at an animal shelter and help orphaned animals. Volunteer once a week with children or older adults.
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