How to Deal with the Dating Ick

• The ick is a sudden and visceral turn-off from someone you’re dating. It’s often hard to explain and happens at seemingly meaningless times.
• An ick can be a physical turn-off (like a gross habit) or a difference in opinion that makes you feel distant from your date.
• Sometimes, people use icks to avoid intimacy. Before letting an ick ruin your relationship, talk to someone you trust and decide if your ick is a legitimate reason to break up.

What is the ick?

The ick is a sudden, intense, and usually unexplainable turn-off. Initially dubbed “the yuck factor,” then re-named and popularized on the dating show Love Island, the ick describes that odd, visceral reaction when you get grossed out by someone you’re dating. Unlike a dying spark that fades over time, the ick is immediate. You feel totally chill one moment and totally disgusted the next. It’s an unshakable gut feeling; some people get over it, and others break up because of its power. The ick is different from a simple lack of chemistry. Incompatibility is usually felt at the beginning; you’re just not attracted to someone in the first place. The ick is a sudden shift that changes your view of someone you were once totally enchanted by.

Examples of the Ick

The ick can be a habit or physical act you find gross. The most common icks are unfortunately out of your date’s control, most of the time. They’re tiny little eccentricities or pet peeves that you find icky (hence the name) or cringey. “He let out the foulest sneeze and I got the biggest ick.” “I thought she was hot, but her laugh is such an ick for me.” “He sends the ???? emoji whenever he asks a question. It’s giving me the ick!”

The ick can be a difference in taste or values. If the person you’re dating loves something you loathe or vice versa, it can definitely give you the ick. The difference is usually minor. If you two disagree about climate change or how many children you should have, that’s more of a sign of general incompatibility. But if your partner cackles at The Late Show but you can’t stand Stephen Colbert, that’s an ick. “She gave me the ick when she said swimming isn’t a real sport.” “He recommends the worst podcasts. It’s such an ick.” “All he wants to do on weekends is lay around and veg. It’s an ick not to go out!”

The ick might not reveal itself until you two are intimate. Like a latent infection, you may think someone is totally ick-free until you picture you two kissing (or more). Sometimes, people are hot in theory, but when it’s time to get physical, the vibe just isn’t there. “He was super cute and funny, but when he held my hand, an ick shivered down my spine.” “I was into her, but our kiss felt totally passionless. Now she gives me the ick.” “He’s hot, but the thought of him stroking my hair gives me the ick.”

What causes the ick?

Some people use the ick as a defense mechanism to avoid intimacy. If you’re scared of intimacy or commitment, you may be creating “icks” so you don’t have to be vulnerable or take steps toward a long-term relationship. People with insecure attachment styles often subconsciously look for issues or blow small problems out of proportion so they have a reason to break up before the relationship gets serious. If this sounds like you, try identifying your attachment style to see if you’re insecure. Insecure attachment is totally normal; in fact, about half the population has an insecure attachment style. People use the ick as a defense mechanism for all kinds of reasons. They may be afraid of heartbreak or vulnerability. They or their parents have had relationship problems that they don’t want to repeat. They may just have difficulty trusting others. All reasons are valid. Healing from insecure attachment takes time and patience. Practice vulnerability by sharing your feelings with people you trust. Go to therapy to work on your attachment style, too. Building a secure attachment style with your therapist will help give you a blueprint for building other secure relationships.

Experts think dating apps are causing us to be too unforgiving. Recent research has shown that dating apps may be causing choice overload. With the rise of Tinder and Bumble, we’re so used to the idea of swiping through dozens (even hundreds) of potential mates daily that we’ll end things with people over the tiniest, most ridiculous details, because we want to see what else is out there. If we didn’t think there were so many other people to choose from, we might overlook certain icks. Dating apps can also harm our relationship with compromise. In a healthy partnership, both partners

The ick isn’t always explainable. Sometimes, an ick is just an ick. While the term itself is a new phenomenon and unique to the digital age, turn-offs have been around forever. Sometimes, your date just does or says something that nauseates you. You can’t put it into words why and you shouldn’t have to. Because icks are often arbitrary, one person’s ick can be a huge turn-on for someone else. There are a few icks that many people share (poor hygiene, bad manners, drinking too much), but while your friend may have dumped their ex over their snorty laugh, you might think it’s the most delightful sound in the world.

How to Deal with the Ick

Ask yourself why the ick is bothering you. Before you make any hasty decisions, take some time to yourself and reflect on why you’re grossed out by this particular trait. Does it trigger a bad memory or past trauma? If it does, it’s not necessarily the ick that’s the problem. And as you work on healing the core issue, you may notice your attraction to your partner re-surfacing. Talk to a therapist or a close friend about this ick. They might have insights that can explain why you find the ick so repulsive. Spend some time away from your date as you think about the ick. Sometimes, distance and self-care are all you need to overcome the issue or re-establish feelings for your date.

Reflect on past relationships and see if there’s a pattern. Look back on past dates. Did you get similar icks with them? Or maybe you notice icks start to present themselves around the 4th date every time. If you see common trends in past romances, it might be a sign you’re using your icks as a defense mechanism. It can be tough to recall the details of your past relationships all of a sudden. Try journaling key events that you remember from past dates and partners. This will give you a clear guide to visualize your dating history. If your ick is a trauma response, healing it will take time. Share your story with people you trust and give yourself time to feel the anger and resentment you may have been bottling up. Then, spend some time re-building healthy habits. Exercise, try new hobbies where you can express yourself, and embrace your spirituality.

If you’re comfortable, talk to your date about what’s grossing you out. Since icks are often inconsequential, it’s usually pretty fair game to address them directly. Be clear about your feelings and try to explain why your ick bothers you. (Remember: not being able to explain a reason is also a reason.) They may like you enough to stop, in which case, problem solved! Use “I feel” statements and focus on solutions when talking to your date about your ick. For example, rather than saying “Your breath is gross,” try “I feel sensitive to smells. It’d really mean a lot if you brushed your teeth after you eat.”

If you can’t get over your ick, break up. At the end of the day, icks are a gut feeling. Trust your gut. Sometimes, icks pass but sometimes you can’t look at someone the same once they’ve hit you. Attraction isn’t always rational. Remember that it’s okay to break up for things you can’t perfectly explain. Rip the band-aid off now instead of pretending a dysfunctional relationship is working. If you still like the person, tell them you still want to be friends. Icks often go away once you cut out romantic pressure.

How is an ick different from a red flag?

Red flags are more serious, while icks are usually inconsequential. Spotting a red flag in your date is different from just getting an ick. Red flags are often universal clues that signal a dysfunctional relationship (poor communication, lack of responsibility, clinginess) while icks are harmless behaviors or traits you find gross (tacky style, a messy home, an ugly tattoo). One of the easiest ways to differentiate between red flags and icks is to ask yourself how respected you feel. If you feel valued but just a little grossed out, it’s an ick. If you feel small or hurt, that’s a red flag. However, just because icks aren’t as pressing as red flags doesn’t mean they’re not legitimate reasons to break up with someone. If your ick is bothering you constantly, it’s probably best to end things.

Icks are often much more subjective than red flags. If you look into research on red flags, you’ll often see the same issues come up over and over: control issues, dishonesty, disrespect, and dependence. Icks, on the other hand, are highly personal and vary greatly from person to person. Talk to your friends if you’re unsure whether your date is giving an ick or a red flag. If none of them are grossed out in the same way you are, it’s probably just an ick. However, if they express concern too, that’s a red flag.