How to Deal With Getting Less Attention Than Your Siblings

Finding an Emotional Outlet

Avoid blaming yourself. When you regularly feel left out or ignored, you might begin to wonder if you're doing something wrong. However, remember that you can't control what other people do, and that their actions say more about them than they do about you. It is not your fault that your sibling is getting more attention than you.

Put the situation in perspective. Try to look at things from your parents' point of view. Think about why they might be giving your sibling more attention, and remember that it is not necessarily about anything that you are doing (or not doing). For example, maybe your sibling is a lot younger than you and still needs extra support, or maybe they just need more help with certain things than you do. It's also possible that your parents aren't aware that they are treating you differently, or that you feel this way.

Go for a walk or jog. Physical activity is a great way to start feeling better. When you're walking or jogging, you can let your mind wander and not focus on feeling left out. Doing exercise also makes your brain release endorphins, a type of natural chemical that helps you feel better.

Write or draw. Take a pen in hand and put your feelings to paper. It doesn't have to be a good piece of writing or a work of art. When you write your thoughts down, or depict how you're feeling with a drawing, you take control of your feelings and stop them from having a hold over you.

Enjoy your freedom. If your parents are more focused on your sibling, it means that you have license to do what you want. Your parents may be less strict with you, and you'll have a lot of time to pursue your interests. Use your freedom to learn more about the world around you. Work on your hobbies. Read, dance, write, paint, play an instrument, or play sports. Spend time with your friends. Talk on the phone, text, and IM. Get outdoors. Taking a walk or hike, or exploring your town, can be fun.

Cry if you have to. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. Crying makes you feel better and there's no shame in it. When you cry your body produces endorphins - these are the body's “feel-good” hormones; they're there to make you feel better. Don't be afraid to be seen crying by your parents or siblings. Crying not only makes you feel better, it also brings you closer to the people you love. It may help them understand that you're having a hard time, too.

Don't act out, even if you're really upset. Acting out may feel like a natural response if you have feelings that you just can't express, but doing so will only make your parents frustrated with you. Don't assume that your parents will read your mind and realize that you want affection. You might be punished for acting out. This could mean being sent to your room, or being grounded, or losing cell phone privileges. Instead of getting attention, you'll only end up isolating yourself from your parents and friends.

Avoid blaming your sibling(s). Just as you didn't choose to get less attention, they didn't choose to get more of it. They may even wish they could have more freedom like you do. Resenting your sibling can lead to a lot of stress for the both of you, so try to keep a good relationship. Your sibling can be someone to turn to if you need emotional support; if you're supportive of them, they'll be more likely to support you when you need it.

Talking to Your Parents

Set a time to talk. You'll want to have your parents' undivided attention when you talk about how you feel, so find a time and place without distractions. Once you've decided on a time and day, write it down so you don't forget about it. Tell your parents that you don't want your sibling(s) to be present. This will ensure that your parents focus on you during your talk. It will also prevent your sibling's feelings from being hurt.

Use "I" phrasing. Talk about how you feel, without making accusations or trying to place blame. Your feelings are valid and you should feel free to express them to your parents. Try not to lash out at your parents; it may feel difficult at the time, but they have feelings too and you don't want to hurt them. Instead of saying, “You never spend time with me! You just don't care about me as much as Jayden!” try something like, “I feel really sad that I don't get to spend as much time with you as Jayden does.” You might say something like, "I know that because Kate is autistic, you need to spend lots of time with her. Sometimes, I feel left out. I want to spend time with you, but it always seems like you're busy."

Be honest. Talking to your parents about your feelings can feel a bit embarrassing, but it's okay to express yourself and say that you want to spend more time with them. Being honest with yourself and with your parents will help you build a more open and stable relationship. It's also possible that your parents don't even realize that you are feeling this way. Talking to them about it may help them be more conscious of their actions. Try to say things like, “I'm sad because I feel like I've been forgotten about.” Or, “I feel lonely; I wish you would spend more time with me.” Work with them to find ways to make it easier. They might have some ideas about how you can get more time with them.

Ask your parents to spend time with you. If your parents are occupied, they might not realize that you want attention too. Although it may seem like your parents know everything, they might not be fully aware of your needs. The easiest way to let them know is to tell them. Be specific about what you want to do with them. Ask them if they will go for a walk with you, sing with you, do your hair, or toss around a football in the yard. If they say no, it doesn't mean they are rejecting you. They might be too busy. Schedule a time that works for you and them.

Ask if there's a reason your sibling is getting more attention. Feeling left out can be extra hurtful if you don't understand why it's happening. Your parents might be able to put your mind at ease by explaining things a little more clearly. There may be a legitimate reason why your parent(s) or guardian(s) are spending so much time with your sibling. Kids with disabilities (e.g. autism, ADHD, Down Syndrome) need extra support. Your sibling has a hard time with many things, and they'll spend a lot of their childhood playing "catch up." Illness or personal crises may mean that a sibling needs extra help. For example, if your sibling is having a major depressive episode, or their best friend died, they'll need a lot of emotional support. Consider behavioral issues. If your sibling is acting out, your parents will spend more time trying to make them stop.

Offer to help with chores and errands. Your parents already have to spend time on these things, and you can get attention by helping them out. Fold laundry together, go to the store with them, help in the garden, help them make supper, and find more tasks to join them in. This lets you get time with them, and they'll think very highly of you for helping out. Try making explicit deals with them. This way, you can plan for time with them for certain. Say something like "If I handle the laundry today, would you have time to teach me about baseball?" Helping makes the chores go more quickly, and your parents will have more time on their hands. Ask if they will spend that extra time with you.

Find and act on opportunities for parent-kid bonding. Remember, if you want things to change, you have to help them change. Waiting around won't help. When a parent seems like they're in a good mood (not distracted or stressed), ask them if now is a good time to hang out together. If they are busy now, ask when might be a good time later. Even if they're not sure yet, they're likely to remember this and try to make time later on. Try joining them when they are doing a chore. For example, you could help them fold laundry or make dinner. See if you can make plans, such as taking morning walks or playing a game together every weekend.

Finding Attention Elsewhere

Get attention from a mentor. Even if your parents are pretty busy, you might have a relative, coach, clergy member, friend's parent, or neighbor who can hang out. They can give you some time and positive attention, and maybe teach you some things that they are good at. Building a relationship with someone other than your parents can help you develop interpersonal skills, and raise your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Find a group that shares your interests. Join a club or sports team in your school or community. This can help you find mentors and friends, and give you a feeling of belonging and accomplishment. Look for groups and activities that match well with your skills and interests. For example, if you love to sing, you might join a youth choir at your school or a cultural center in your area. If you're more athletic, sign up a team sport like soccer or softball.

Look to your friends and your siblings. You don't need to get attention only from your parents or other adults. Your friends and siblings will often be free and happy to hang out with you. Walk up to them, or pick up the phone, and ask if and when they are free to spend time with you. Making new friends can feel empowering, so don't be afraid to step outside your comfort zone to meet new people.

Spend time with pets. Animals and pets make us happy because they offer us love and companionship. If your family doesn't have a pet, you could look to friends' pets or neighbor pets. Try becoming a dog walker, cat sitter, or volunteer at an animal shelter.

Talk to a counselor if you are really having a hard time. Loneliness can be a difficult feeling, and if you are struggling to manage it, you can get help. Therapy can give you the means to express your emotions and help you better understand what you're going through. You may need your parents' permission to see a therapist, so use this opportunity to talk to them about how you feel. Here are some reasons you might want to talk to a counselor: You don't know how to cope with your feelings. You feel like acting out, or hurting yourself, to get attention (for example, causing trouble at school). You feel like hiding from your friends and family. You feel tired, and find it hard to enjoy anything. Your parents aren't meeting your basic needs (food, water, shelter), or they are being very mean to you (humiliating, name-calling, etc.).