How to Cope With Frustration

Coping with Acute Instances of Frustration

Learn your triggers. A trigger is an element in your environment that causes a sudden emotional reaction in you that is disproportionate to the trigger itself. There are some common triggers, but everyone has a different set of circumstances that causes these frustrated feelings. Do you get frustrated when you are forced to wait and do nothing? For example, traffic jams or waiting in a check-out line. Do you get frustrated when people do not meet your personal expectations or disrupt your work? For instance, someone sending you a text or email that throws off your day. Do you get frustrated with difficult problems? For instance, does difficult homework tend to provoke an outburst?

Avoid your triggers whenever possible. Knowing what tends to touch a nerve will help you recognize when these feelings are likely to strike and avoid the trigger as often as possible. Triggers are often automatic reactions, so simply knowing your triggers can often help control when you're presented with one. For example, keep your phone on silent when you need to work without disruption or get up and take a break from a difficult work or school assignment if you can feel it building toward an outbreak of frustration. If you simply cannot avoid the trigger, try your best to realize that triggers are themselves thought patterns that you can choose to allow or not despite how hard it is to change them. Once triggered, take time to think rather than reacting impulsively.

Practice stress-management breathing. Relaxed, regulated breathing changes the chemistry of the brain so activity is dominated by the thoughtful neocortex, not the fight-or-flight amygdala. This is how conscious, focused breathing can help you to avoid impulsive action or rash words. Breathe deeply. Before you act out of anger or frustration, pause and a take a deep breath. Count to four slowly as you breathe in, then count to four again as you breathe out. Repeat until you feel calm.

Manage your expectations of others. People can be irrational, self-centered, unfair, and inconsistent. You can always control your own reaction, but never the other person's behavior. Accept the limitations of others. For instance, say you have a friend who is always late for everything but is otherwise a great friend. Manage your expectation by realizing that you simply cannot make your friend show up on time, but you can control what you invite her to. If you know that punctuality is one of your triggers, then avoid putting her in situations where promptness is an issue. Cultivate your own self-sufficiency. Feeling helpless may be overcome by setting and working on goals in whatever may be important to you. So, is your frustration due to something you could take on yourself as a short term goal? For example, if you are frustrated with how your roommate doesn't take out the trash though previously agreed, maybe you should just take it out yourself rather than simmer in hostility. Then ask the other person to do a different chore instead. Avoid perfectionism in dealing with people. People can be frustrating when they do not act consistently. But that is simply being human - humans are not robots or computers. That can be disappointing, but accepting that the other is not perfect, (and neither are you) is important in dealing with people. EXPERT TIP Rahti Gorfien, PCC Rahti Gorfien, PCC Life Coach Rahti Gorfien is a Life Coach and the Founder of Creative Calling Coaching, LLC. She specializes in working with artists, entrepreneurs, and college students in creative fields. Rahti is accredited as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) by the International Coach Federation, an ACCG Accredited ADHD Coach by the ADD Coach Academy, and a Career Specialty Services Provider (CSS). In addition, she has personal experience in the fields she coaches - she is an alumnus of the New York University Graduate Acting program and has been a working theater artist for over 30 years. She was voted one of the 15 Best Life Coaches in New York City by Expertise in 2018. Rahti Gorfien, PCC Rahti Gorfien, PCC Life Coach Anger and frustration are signs you need to set boundaries. You might get angry or frustrated with a friend or family member, and those feelings can signal that it's time to set boundaries with the person. This type of frustration is good because it's important to know what your limits in a relationship are.

Check in with yourself about relationships. Frustration is a stressor that causes the release of adrenaline and other neurochemicals, which can act together to make you act impulsively and even aggressively. Before you shout, make a rude gesture, or insult someone, stop and mentally go back over the relevant events. Check that your response is neither excessive nor insufficient. The goal is not to let others dominate/walk all over you, while not over-dominating and walking over others yourself. Ask yourself these questions to help you figure out how to respond to the current situation: Are things really as I perceive them? What might I be missing here? Will what happened now matter in a day? A week? A year? Can I express my concerns without hostility? Is there information I am trying to share? Am I as interested in seeing the situation clearly as I am in my own reaction or being "right"? Am I interested in the other person's needs? Can we cooperate?

View frustration as "delayed success" rather than "failure". How you frame your situation will change your reaction and emotions. If you see your situation as a setback that you will get over, you are more likely to know immediately you can overcome the frustration. For instance, say you're saving for a new car but have to take some money from the fund to fix your current car. Instead of fixating on not getting the new vehicle when you'd want, remind yourself that it will only set you back a month or two and that you will overcome the obstacle.

Coping with Long-Term Frustration

Set short, medium and long term goals for education, training, career and home, and start on the nearest objective for one of your dearest goals. Start and/or continue on a plan now that you will follow toward self-actualizing your desires and needs, including such goals as: Setting a goal for training or eduction requires action/starting. You may apply and start at a community college and transfer to a 4-year college if that will work for you plan. Saving to buy a better "cash-car" can answer needs, but now and then you have to take some money from the fund for upkeep on your older car. Instead of worrying about not using all your savings for the newer vehicle, tell yourself that it will only take a month or two to catch up to your savings goal. Working on goals for lifestyle-routine can buoy you from a sunken feeling, even developing new hobbies can help with long-standing frustration. If you're having trouble allowing yourself to indulge in a hobby rather than work all the time, choose something that has a pragmatic side, such as learning how to make your own bread, soap, clothing, etc. You may find inner/intangible as well as real-world benefits in learning to master one or more of them.

Gain some perspective. Coping with frustration is about finding hope to overcome hopelessness, inaction and dissatisfaction. To counteract frustration, take action to make some personal advancement. “Action” is literally using the capacity to do something, while helplessness is the feeling that you can do nothing to improve your situation. Choose something within your reach at this moment—however necessary it may seem—and do it. Merely washing your clothes, changing your outfit or cooking dinner may seem trivial in comparison to your problem, but it is not nothing, and because of the way our brains work, each success can bring hope. EXPERT TIP Rahti Gorfien, PCC Rahti Gorfien, PCC Life Coach Rahti Gorfien is a Life Coach and the Founder of Creative Calling Coaching, LLC. She specializes in working with artists, entrepreneurs, and college students in creative fields. Rahti is accredited as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) by the International Coach Federation, an ACCG Accredited ADHD Coach by the ADD Coach Academy, and a Career Specialty Services Provider (CSS). In addition, she has personal experience in the fields she coaches - she is an alumnus of the New York University Graduate Acting program and has been a working theater artist for over 30 years. She was voted one of the 15 Best Life Coaches in New York City by Expertise in 2018. Rahti Gorfien, PCC Rahti Gorfien, PCC Life Coach Learn to accept things for how they are. Until you can accept the way things are, even if they're not okay with you, you can't deal with your anger and frustration constructively. Once you come to terms with the situation and that you can't change it, you can start to manage and change your feelings.

Spend time with supportive people. Find friends you can talk to about your frustrations, who will listen and won't judge you. If you do not have close friends you feel comfortable doing this with, find someone who can provide good company during frustrating tasks, such as searching for jobs or using dating websites. Social time is generally beneficial to the regulation of mood. Even if a problem seems obvious, discussing it may help you discover hidden issues such as low self-esteem or specific anxieties. A supportive mentor or counselor can help you talk these through.

Treat yourself. Frustration can build tension and anxiety, which can have deleterious effects on our mood, sleep cycle, and general body chemistry. By improving your self care--especially care of your body--you can relax and let go of the feelings that were stirred up by frustration. Simply taking a bath, going for a walk, baking a nice loaf of bread, or reading a book is better than fuming and blowing up on someone. These slow, soothing activities can help change your body chemistry from alarmed and dysregulated to calm and focused.

Keep a log of your accomplishments. Frustration is often accompanied by the feeling that you lack purpose or meaning, but frustrated people rarely have a realistic view of themselves. Fight this by keeping a record of all your achievements, including daily tasks that you have to perform. If you have trouble recognizing any of your accomplishments, you may be suffering from self-esteem issues. Have a friend or family member help you come up with achievements of which you can feel good or proud.

Exercise to reduce stress. Physical activity can relieve tension and stress caused by frustration, especially if you exercise in the right environment. Walk, jog, or hike outdoors in a natural environment if possible. If you are not used to exercising regularly, take it slow so you feel refreshed, not exhausted. If you aren't able to take an exercise break while working on a frustrating task, take a shorter break to practice deep breathing or meditation instead.

Fight procrastination. Avoid apathy, or severe lack of motivation by working/doing your goals. Choosing purposeful, focused activities that are productive and can be enjoyable, instead of letting your goals slip away due to procrastination. If this description fits, break the cycle with the following tips, if applicable to your situation: Remove needless distractions. Whether you are easily distracted, or tend to distract yourself to put off doing a task, take charge of your attention. Turn off your phone, other electronic devices, or the internet, unless required for the specific task you are working on. Clear your work area of all unnecessary items. Set your own reasonable, hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, semester and yearly goals, and even mini-deadlines for some personal rewards. Getting through with unpleasant or difficult tasks can strengthen your motivation to turn that success to say" "Now, I'll work hard on my own goals". Add additional reasons to get going, with a positive spin, by rewarding yourself with a healthy snack, good entertainment, or other reward on the condition that you meet a mini-deadline within the hour, or by the end of the day.

Change your course. If a personal project or repeated task is frustrating you, set another phase of a project, goal, work or hobby to manage for a while. If you are frustrated at work, brainstorm ways to make your work go more smoothly, or request a shift in your work duties or scheduling. Stay focused on the steps of one task/idea at a time. Stop multitasking/lacking focus on your present effort. Multitasking almost always makes each task more difficult and easier to avoid, even if you personally think you are good at it. Instead of working on two tasks concurrently, alternate between them if they're frustrating. Consider alternating between "competing" projects to avoid hitting a wall of frustration while staying productive on both. Spend thirty to sixty minutes on each one with five-minute breaks in between. If your job is causing severe stress and frustration, consider a vacation, take a sabbatical, or even look into changing jobs.

Develop healthy expectations of your world. If you hold expectations that things will go easily, that nothing can or will go wrong, and you will achieve everything effortlessly, then you will likely be extremely frustrated and disappointed. The important things in life—work, school, relationships, mastering a skill—are rarely quick or easy. If they start out easily, rarely do they remain so. In fact, the important things in life are rarely easy. Be careful of comparing life to media. In movies and TV, plots are often clear, and easily wrapped up by the credits. Everyone tends to be young, gorgeous, and glamorous. But in real life, rarely if ever is this the case. If you are spending a lot of time consuming media, you will likely get a very skewed sense of the world. Ask others about their struggles in life. The best mirror of reality tends to be friends, family, and peers. Their struggles--jobs, school, romances, family--are likely similar to yours. By talking to them about goals, progress, barriers, and overcoming them, you can get a sense that others are in a similar situation. This can help produce a clearer reality.

Recognize negative behavior. Frustration often leads to thoughts and behavior that only make the situation worse. Try to catch yourself when these negative events occur, and immediately take a break using the advice above. Negative behaviors stemming from frustration include: Thinking about what could have happened or what you wish your life was like. Spending hours on a task that is neither enjoyable or productive, such as watching a television show you don't like. Sitting and doing nothing at all.

Be persistent. Practice. Practice builds mental as well as what is called "muscle-memory". Your hands can know what to do almost like the automatic-pilot of an aircraft. Your "trained subconscious mind"/and instant reactions "know from experience" what to do and when. So you may play music on an instrument perfectly from memory. Developing a goal takes practicing your skills, talents and knowledge (it's building personal experience in your area of expertise).

Dealing with Frustration in a Relationship or Friendship

Do not talk while you're still angry. The expression of strong, negative feelings rarely helps a relationship. If you are often frustrated or angry at a particular person, a calm discussion is much more likely to be productive. Step away until you've calmed down.

Bring up one issue at a time. Start your discussion by talking about a single issue, such as a specific action or repeated behavior that frustrates you. Try to stay focused on this topic until you've seriously discussed it. Talking about possible underlying causes or related actions is allowed, but try to avoid turning the discussion into a list of things that irritate you. Try to agree with the person at the outset that you'll both stay focused on the issue at hand.

Give the other person opportunities to respond. Allow the other person an opportunity to speak uninterrupted and to be heard. Try to listen intently to the other person, and then decide how to respond rather than responding impulsively. If you find this difficult, try repeating the other person's words silently to yourself to keep yourself focused, and keep your face and body aligned toward the other person. For instance, if you're having a relationship fight, make it a point not to interrupt the person. Allow him or her to finish a point before responding and consider your response rather than going with your gut reaction.

Mirror back what you heard, in your own words. This will demonstrate that you understand what the other person said, give the other person a chance to consider what he or she said, and clear up some ambiguities in the discussion. This can be a very difficult step because actually listening to the other person—instead of thinking of your next thing to say—can be a tricky thing to do. For instance, if a friend says that you never make time for her, repeat it back and ask, “Do you really think that I never make time for you?” This can allow the friend to hear the complaint as you did.

Be honest but compassionate. Have an honest discussion about how you feel, and what you want to change, and ask the other person for honest opinions as well. Refrain from making insults or hurtful comments. Use sentences that start with "I" to talk about how you feel, and avoid sentences with “you,” which can often sound accusatory. Avoid passive-aggressive behavior, such as hiding your real emotions or insulting someone behind his or her back. Avoid sarcasm or insults during this discussion, even as a joke.

Avoid using absolutes on other people. These are words such as 'always', 'anyone', 'nobody' and 'never.' These words invite the person to become defensive by invalidating the your unworkable pronouncements, and causing both of you to fall short. For example, don't say, ”You never take out the trash!” Instead try, “You take out the trash less often than we agreed.”

Brainstorm solutions with the other person. Try to reach a compromise that you are both satisfied with. Writing down a list of ideas together can sometimes help. You don't need to come up with a perfect answer on the first discussion, either. If necessary, make it clear that the solution you decide on is temporary, and set a time to discuss it in a couple weeks to see whether it is working. If you're frustrated that the friend hasn't repaid a debt, for instance, see if you can compromise with a payment plan rather than just simply being frustrated that you can't get all of the money back at once.

Show appreciation for effort. Thank the other person when making an effort to change his or her behavior. Even small changes—smaller than you would like—may lead to more change if you just encourage the person. Using the same example of frustration over a friend owing you money, tell the friend how much it means that he has agreed to a payment plan or even agreed to sit down and talk about it again when he might be able to enter a payment agreement. By validating the friend's effort, you're more likely to see future cooperation.