Calming Yourself Down when He’s Around
Breathe! When you feel your heart thudding faster and faster, pay attention to how you are breathing. Remember: the quicker you breathe, the less air your lungs get. That means your heart is speeding up to pump the little oxygen you have to the rest of your body. So make a point of taking deep breaths to calm your body and mind. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Imagine that your lungs are down in your abs. Think about filling your abs with air instead of your chest. This will help you draw longer breaths.
Concentrate on him. Keep your focus on what is happening outside of you, rather than inside. Focus all of your attention entirely on him. Empty your mind of everything else. Ignore your own internal reactions, worries, and concerns. Just pay attention to what he says and does and react to that. Obviously, you’re a human being hoping to have a conversation here, so you can’t really empty your mind of everything. The goal is to quiet any thoughts that don’t have anything to do with the immediate conversation. Just think about what you’re going to say in response to what he says, not how you feel inside. For example: If he asks for your opinion on something (like your taste in music), speak from the gut and tell the truth, regardless of what his opinion may be. Keep the conversation going instead of stalling it by trying to second-guess yourself about what he will think of your answer. If he says something you disagree with, say so. Don't start yourself worrying about how he might react. It's better to deal with his reaction, whatever it may be, than worry over a hundred different scenarios that probably won't happen anyway.
Calm yourself with music. If you have music handy and it seems natural to play it, great! Play something relaxing and keep an ear tuned to that. If not, just play a song that usually calms you down in the back of your head. The key is to play something calming. Your breathing, heart rate, and other body rhythms will naturally fall in sync with the music’s rhythm. This is also a great ice breaker to get the conversation rolling and find out his interests. Depending on where you are, subtle ways to go about this could be fiddling with a car radio, switching between music channels on TV, starting your iPod or other device before you engage him, or asking him if he wants to check out that jukebox in the corner.
Make an “okay” sign with your fingers. With one hand, form an “O” by bringing the tip of your index finger and the tip of your thumb together. Leave your other three fingers straight, but relaxed. Sounds weird, but this is actually a yoga trick known as the Gyan Mudra. Instead of focusing on all the thoughts and feelings building up inside you, just concentrate on keeping the tips of your thumb and index together together. If you think this will look weird, just hold your hands behind your back, or use whatever you’re holding (like a textbook) to hide it from view.
Move your feet. Release your stress by moving around. Get your blood flowing and get rid of the tension building up inside you. Full-out dancing is a proven way to lower your anxiety, but even though it would probably be too weird if you broke out into a jig for no reason, moving around just a little bit will still help. A simple solution is to just get the conversation mobile by suggesting a walk-and-talk! If you're already playing music, let yourself move to the rhythm. Slowly stepping off and on a curb or stair step also be a way to burn off nervous energy without looking too odd.
Starting a Conversation
Just go for it. When you see him, walk right up and start a conversation. Spark his interest by showing him yours! Demonstrate how confident you are by seeking him out right away, rather than forever waiting for that "perfect moment" that may or may not come. Don’t worry about declaring your undying love right away. Simply get the ball rolling by showing him that you would like to get to know him better. Don’t feel super-confident just yet? That is all the more reason to go straight up to him! Dawdling will just give you more time to overthink things and stress yourself out. Also, you don't want to give someone else a chance to get in there first and hog his attention.
Open with something casual. Don’t stress yourself about flooring him with the most clever thing that you could possibly say. Instead, start small and build from there. Draw him into a conversation with you by posing an offhand question or asking for a quick favor. Whichever you choose, be sure the topic is something that will lead to an actual back-and-forth conversation, instead of a one-word answer. Open with something like: “Is that the new iPhone? Could I take a peek at it? I need to replace my phone and I’m not sure what I want to get.” “You have Ms. Novak for first period, right? What was her test like? I have to take it eighth period.” “I like your Smiths t-shirt. Real quick: what’s your favorite album and why?”
Look at him. When you approach, make direct eye contact and maintain it. Even though you’re nervous, stop yourself from glancing away to stare at your feet or something in the distance. Gain his attention and keep it by keeping yours on him from start to finish! Smile, too! Put him at ease with a grin as you approach. Remember: you want him to like talking with you, so show him that this conversation is going to be a good thing by opening with a big friendly smile.
Make him talk about himself at first. Once you draw him into a conversation, keep him engaged by sticking to a subject he knows about: himself! As you move from topic to topic, show him that your main interest isn’t the topic itself, but what he thinks about it. Flatter his ego so he feels eager to share. At the same time, avoid the stress of being in the spotlight by keeping it trained on him! Think of yourself as an interviewer. Ask lots of questions. For example, if he happens to have a book with him: Ask him what he thinks of it so far. Then ask what other authors he enjoys. Quiz him with: “Which five books would you bring if you were stranded on a desert island?” Then ask if he could only recommend one to read, which one would it be.
Offer your own insights. Don’t overdo the questioning and make him feel like this is an interrogation! Start peppering the conversation with your own opinions and anecdotes. Even though you feel nervous at first, share a small piece of yourself when he shares something with you. As you grow more comfortable, expand and offer him a wider view so the conversation grows to be equal parts give and take. For instance, if one of the books he picks to bring with him to a desert island is the same as one of your picks, say so! Then use that topic to direct more questions at him: “Which character do you most identify with? What was your favorite part? What did you think of the movie?” When he shares his answer with you, return the favor by answering your own question. By asking lots of questions and sharing your own answers, you can control the course of the conversation and share exactly what you want to share.
Keep the tone light. As the conversation builds, stick to topics that the both of you enjoy. Even though you may want this guy to be your shoulder to cry on when you need one, save that for later. For now, show him that you are fun to be around by keeping the conversation carefree. If he brings up a topic that stresses you out, redirect the focus to something more positive. Let’s say he brings up a flood that recently hit the city where your favorite aunt lives. Instead of focusing on the flood, use that as a segue to talk to about a happy memory of your aunt or that city. From there, shift the focus back onto him by asking about his favorite family member or city.
Building a Positive Mindset
Be confident in your looks. Don’t fret about what he might think of your appearance. Be comfortable in your body, even if his previous girlfriends belong to a totally different “type.” Rest assured that guys respond more to your self-confidence than your looks. So instead of stressing out about mirroring his type, fix yourself up however you like to. Then simply walk into every room like you own it by: Refraining from slouching or sticking your hands in your pockets. Keeping your chin up with your neck extended. Throwing your shoulders back. Allowing your arms to swing freely.
Think positively. Give each interaction the chance to develop into something great. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by assuming that everything will go wrong! When you’re with him, avoid over-analyzing the situation. Just take pleasure in interacting with him by staying in the moment, rather than dwelling on the past or trying to predict the future. Respond to what he (and anyone else in your group) says or does right here, right now, and nothing more. Keep your mind clear of any preconceived notions about what he might mean with this comment or that look. Focus on what goes right: a joke that he finds funny; his willingness to share his opinions and personal experiences; his interest in your own opinions and stories. Let the not-so-right parts slide. Recover quickly by refusing to dwell on them! For instance, if your joke falls flat, simply make a joke out of that by making cricket noises and then laughing it off.
Keep your mind open to all possibilities. Remember: you don’t know everything! So if you feel like he isn’t interested in being with you or even just chatting right now, don’t take that as a personal slight. Take a step back and think of every reason that might be, rather than just assume that he doesn’t like you. Other possibilities could be: He’s shy in general or (gasp!) nervous because he’s attracted to you, too! He may be distracted by something else in his life, like schoolwork, his job, or a family situation. He may just have little to say about the particular topic you bring up.
Stay open-minded afterward, too. Don’t think all is lost just because time spent with your dream guy didn’t go exactly the way you dreamt it. Remember what went right, and put everything else in its proper place. Avoid placing too much significance on minor details. If he, say, fails to get one of your jokes or disagrees with one of your opinions, don’t take that to mean that you aren’t funny or a good match. Instead, just accept that he didn’t find that one particular joke funny or agree with that one particular opinion. Don’t assume the whole conversation was a total disaster just because it wasn’t 100% perfect. Remember that he may have had a perfectly good time even if you think it could have gone better.
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