- A relationship contract spells out the needs of each partner in a relationship, as well as their division of labor and how they plan to resolve conflicts.
- Relationship contracts enhance communications and clarify partners' intentions in a relationship by making them explicitly aware of each other's needs.
- Discuss what you want to include in your relationship contract with your partner, then write it all down and sign it. Plan to revisit your contract at least once a year.
What is a relationship contract?
A relationship contract sets out the parameters of a romantic relationship. While it might sound like a formal, legalistic thing, a relationship contract is really just about making sure you and your partner are on the same page. It gives you the opportunity to talk about things in advance so you can resolve issues before they develop into conflicts. Relationship contracts are great for helping you understand each other's expectations and intentions in entering a relationship or moving in together. A relationship contract also gives you the opportunity to deal with potentially awkward topics in more of a formal, arms-length way. A contract is a great idea if you're dealing with substance abuse or mental health issues as a couple, but it can also be beneficial in any relationship.
Benefits of a Relationship Contract
Communication Good communication is the hallmark of a healthy relationship and a relationship contract helps you avoid making assumptions about each other. When you spell everything out in the contract, you don't have to worry that one of you is expecting something that the other isn't aware of. In this way, you can think of a relationship contract as an acknowledgment that your partner isn't a mind reader. The two of you are establishing responsibilities openly rather than just guessing.
Awareness of each other's needs It's normal for people to have a hard time verbalizing their needs in a relationship. A relationship contract gives you and your partner the opportunity to do this in a safe space before a conflict develops or resentment sets in. It's common to make assumptions about your partner's needs if they aren't stated upfront. With a relationship contract, the two of you can hash everything out in advance.
Clarity of your intentions It's important to know what your partner expects to get out of your relationship. A relationship contract can help the two of you express your intentions and find common ground. This also ensures that you're both working toward the same goals. For example, it could be that your partner hopes the two of you will get married one day, while you are unsure about taking that step. Through your relationship contract, you might agree to put off any talk about marriage for 1 year.
Alignment of intentions Clarifying your intentions is one thing, but getting on the same page about them is another. Even if the two of you have different goals, you can use your relationship contract to arrive at a compromise you're both comfortable with. For example, if one of you is looking for a new job, you might agree on the cities that both of you would be willing to live in.
Boundary-setting A huge part of having a healthy relationship is setting strong boundaries so that both of you know how to treat one another and how to deal with conflicts productively. Writing up a relationship contract gives you a pressure-free way to discuss these issues so you know in advance what's acceptable. For example, it might be that your partner needs alone time to recharge. If you include that time in your relationship contract, you don't have to worry about potentially getting upset when your partner secludes themselves, or feeling as though they're upset or ignoring you.
Honesty and transparency A relationship contract allows you and your partner to put everything out there on the table. You can talk about potential issues in a non-threatening way and come up with ways to address those issues that won't cause as much anger or resentment later on. Having a relationship agreement doesn't mean that you'll never have arguments, but it can provide the framework to discuss issues that arise in a respectful and healthy way.
Writing Your Contract
Download a template for a more formal structure. Your relationship contract doesn't have to be some formal, legal document. But if a formal structure makes it feel more weighty and important to you, the internet has your back. Search for "free relationship contract templates" to bring up something that will work well for you. These templates can also be a good place to start brainstorming for what to include. Some templates may include things that don't apply to you and your partner, but they might also include things you wouldn't have thought about that do apply.
Discuss what you want to include in your contract. What sections or items you include in your contract will be very personal to you and will depend on what's important to the two of you as individuals and as a couple. Here are some general categories to consider: Exclusivity: Is your relationship monogamous? If it isn't, what are your boundaries around including other people? What constitutes cheating in your relationship? Living arrangements: Will you and your partner live together or separately? Do either of you expect to have alone time? Are there any areas of your home that are "off limits" to each other? How will you divide household tasks? Finances: If you're living together, how are you dividing household expenses? Will you have a joint bank account or separate accounts? How much transparency will you have about money? Quality time: Do you want to schedule date nights? Do you have specific activities that you want to pursue together? What constitutes "quality time" in your relationship? Do you hope to have sex at a certain frequency? Goals: What goals do each of you have for your own lives? What do you hope to achieve in the coming year? What sort of support do you expect from your partner? Conflict resolution: When and how will you address conflicts when they occur? What sorts of things are off-limits when you disagree about something? What are dealbreakers in your relationship?
Draft the terms for each section you've decided to include. As with the structure, your language doesn't need to be legalistic or fancy. In fact, plain language works best to express what you and your partner have agreed on each of the categories you've included. Here are some examples: Exclusivity: "We agree to have a monogamous relationship in which we are sexually exclusive. We consider any physical intimacy with anyone outside of our relationship, apart from a hug or a kiss on the cheek, to be cheating." Living arrangements: "We agree to live together. Since each of us needs alone time to recharge, each of us will have private space within our home where we can retreat for that purpose." Finances: "We agree to have separate bank accounts. We will open a joint account for household expenses, to which we both will contribute 50% of our income." Goals: "We agree to support each other in our career and personal goals. If an opportunity arises that would significantly change any aspect of our life as a couple, we agree to discuss that opportunity with each other before making a decision." Quality time: "We will have at least two date nights each week, including one on Friday or Saturday night. We agree that we would like to have sex at least twice a week on average." Conflict resolution: "When we have a disagreement, we will take 15 minutes apart to collect our thoughts and manage our feelings. Then we will come together privately without distractions, listen to each other's point of view, and come to a resolution."
Include information about the termination of the agreement. Like any contract, there's the possibility that one of you will breach the contract or simply decide that it no longer suits your needs. Discuss with your partner what will happen if either of you decides to end your relationship, as well as what terms you've laid out that would constitute "deal-breakers." For example, if you're a monogamous couple, you might decide that cheating is a dealbreaker. This gives the two of you to discuss what does and doesn't constitute cheating, and what's going to happen if one of you steps out. Legal and financial entanglements are particularly important here. For example, if the two of you are leasing an apartment together, you might agree that the partner who decides to terminate the relationship will continue to pay the other some money toward the lease until it's up.
Decide when you want to revisit your contract. At a minimum, it's a good idea to come back to your contract at least once a year and talk about things that might have changed. But if something in your life changes significantly, it might be worth going ahead and looking at it immediately rather than waiting on your agreed-upon date. For example, if you decide to have children, you might want to revisit your contract immediately to account for things such as childcare. Revisiting your contract is a great opportunity to have a "state of the relationship" type discussion in which you talk about what's worked so far and what can be improved.
Sign your contract and keep it in a safe place. Print out your contract and sign it to make it feel formal and real. This ritual can really strengthen your relationship. Having a printed copy also makes it easy for you to go back and refer to the contract when you need to. For example, you might have things in your contract that don't come up frequently. The printed contract makes it easy for you to go back and see what you agreed on originally. Don't be afraid to go against the contract if you both agree to it. Sometimes, you'll make a decision in the abstract that doesn't make any sense when you're actually in the situation.
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