Express your sorrow for their loss.
It’s completely understandable and valid to not know what to say when someone is grieving, or to worry that whatever you do say won’t be enough. At the end of the day, expressing condolences isn’t about taking a person’s pain away—it’s simply about acknowledging their loss. With this in mind, don’t be afraid to directly address that the deceased has passed on in your message (using a word like “died”). “I’m so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts during this difficult time.” “I was devastated to hear about your father’s passing. Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you and your brother right now.” “I’m so sorry to hear that your partner died, and am sending you so much love and support in the coming days.” “My heart is broken for you and your family, and I’m so deeply sorry that you’re going through this.”
Validate their grieving process.
Grieving is an incredibly individualistic and personal experience. There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to feel after someone passes, and it’s best to not imply that there is a “proper” way to grieve after a tragedy. Instead, focus your message on validating and accepting whatever methods and means they choose to mourn in the coming weeks and months. “I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through right now.” “Please don’t feel like you have to be “okay” right away—healing takes time.” “Don’t let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn’t be feeling right now. Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to be feeling them.” “Grief doesn’t come with a timetable. Take as much time as you need.”
Give them permission to not respond.
A grieving individual will certainly appreciate messages of support, but they might not have the energy or emotional stamina to hold a conversation. Ultimately, the purpose of sending a supportive text isn’t to necessarily start a conversation, but to remind the grieving individual that they aren’t alone and that you’re happy to listen if they feel like opening up. “I love you so much and am sending you so much support. Please don’t feel the need to reply to this—just know that I’m here and that I care about you so much.” “Please put yourself and your mental and emotional well-being first during this difficult time. I completely understand if you don’t feel up to replying.” “I am more than happy to listen and support you in any way that I can, but only if you’re feeling up to it mentally and emotionally. I completely understand if you need time to yourself right now.” “Take all the time you need to grieve and be with your loved ones right now. Please don’t feel like you have to reply to this—your mental health and well-being take priority.”
Volunteer to help with something specific.
A generic “Let me know what I can do to help” is nice, but it ultimately puts the burden of responsibility back on the grieving individual—plus, the individual might worry that they’re being a bother. Instead, think of actionable ways to provide support that don’t involve asking the person for permission. If you do offer your assistance, make your question as specific as possible. “FYI, there’s some DoorDash coming your way from the pizza place in town.” “I made way too much potato soup for dinner and would love to bring you some. Is it cool if I drop it off at 7?” “I’m doing a grocery run and would love to pick up some things for you. Is there anything you’re running low on, like milk or eggs?” “I was thinking about going for a walk to stretch my legs this afternoon. Would you like to join me?”
Encourage them to share rather than make assumptions.
Grief is a really personal experience, and it’s impossible to truly understand how someone is feeling during a tough time—even if you’ve experienced grief before. Instead of making guesses about how they’re feeling or discussing how you felt during a time of grief, give the person space to open up and share if they’re feeling up to it. “I can’t imagine what you’re experiencing right now. If you’d ever like to talk, I’m always here to listen.” “I completely understand if you want to be alone right now, but please know that I’m here to listen and support you if you need me.” “I care about you so much and am so sorry you’re going through this. If talking things out would help at all, please know that I’m happy to listen.” “I can’t pretend to understand what you’re experiencing right now, but I’m here to support you however I can. Please know that I’m happy to listen to anything you’d want to share.”
Give them different ways to process their grief.
While you don’t want to tell a grieving individual how to handle their feelings, there’s nothing wrong with suggesting different ways to channel and vent their emotions. You might offer to go for a walk with someone as a way to help them get exercise, or even send them a funny picture or meme to help make them smile. What matters most is that you pose these suggestions and activities as optional rather than mandatory. “I completely understand if this isn’t your cup of tea, but have you ever thought about journaling? It can be such a solace to vent your feelings in a private and personal space.” “Absolutely no pressure whatsoever, but I was thinking about taking a nature hike this weekend and was wondering if you’d like to come.” “I was thinking about signing up for a pottery class this Thursday. Would you like to tag along? Totally no obligation or pressure!” “I saw this picture on Twitter and just had to send it your way.”
Share light-hearted memories of the deceased.
When a person’s loved one passes, it understandably feels like the deceased is now a taboo conversation topic. This isn’t the case, though—quite the opposite, in fact! Mentioning positive memories of the deceased can be a great way to comfort the grieving individual, as it reminds them that their loved one is alive in people’s hearts and minds. “Remember when Sam took us sledding but forget the sleds in your garage? The look on his face was absolutely priceless.” “I remember meeting your sister at a work party last year—she was so incredibly sweet, and was such a great listener.” “I don’t know if I ever told you this, but Darnell always bragged about what a great cook you are.” “Your dad was such a cool guy. Remember that time I got a flat tire? He changed it himself, and told me not to worry about calling AAA.”
Refrain from saying platitudes.
When someone experiences a devastating loss, it’s not always easy to know what to say. Because of this, people often lean on platitudes (morally inclined statements that offer no real comfort) to show their support. Unfortunately, overly religious statements or comments on behalf of the deceased don’t provide any actual comfort; if anything, they might leave the grieving individual feeling judged and misunderstood. Instead, focus on validating the person’s grief—it’s okay if you don’t know what to say! Instead of saying “This is all part of God’s plan,” say “I don’t understand why this happened. I’m so sorry for your loss.” Instead of saying “Your loved one is in a better place,” say “I hope you can take comfort in knowing how loved and cherished they were.” Instead of saying “You have so much to be grateful for,” say “Experiencing such a loss is unimaginable, and I can’t fathom what you must be experiencing right now.” Instead of saying “Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be so sad,” say “There isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve. Take as much time as you need to feel your feelings.”
Continue to touch base and see how they’re doing.
While you definitely don’t have to text them every day, make it a habit to check on the grieving individual once every few weeks or so. Let them know that you’re still thinking of them, and remind them that they always have your support. “Hey love! Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. You’ve been in my thoughts lately, and I care about you so much!” “How’s it going? Just wanted to pop in and remind you that you’re always in my thoughts.” “I know it’s been a little while, but I just wanted to touch base and see how you’re doing.” “How are you feeling? I’d love to spend some time with you if you’re feeling up to it.”
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