The shocking murder of 14-year-old Arushi Talwar in Noida has captured the national imagination. Apart from sending shock waves throughout the country, it has also raised pertinent queries about our changing social mores.
It has also brought to fore valid doubts about a growing consumerist, Indian society trying to adjust to changing values.
Is the urban Indian value system disintegrating? Has the death of the joint family changed middle-class India?
In order to throw some light on urban India's changing values and social mores, IBNLive.com organised a chat with senior psychologist Dr. Madhumati Singh.
Reproduced below is the full text of the chat.
Parents have money, no time for kids
Shamjith: Can you please comment whether this is an after-effect of a society which prefers only fast life rather than real life? Or is the pseudo morality of the Indian society that paved the way for this?
Dr. Madhumati Singh: Yes we are in the grey area, the twilight zone or 'blind spot' in many aspects of our life. We as parents feel we are above everything and the final authority, but are unable to keep up the values we talk about. After a point, parents are unable to communicate with their kids, because they are not transparent in their approach.
Minnie Randhawa: What, according to you, is a fully-cooked recipe for model social behaviour? As for me this entire episode is taking a spuriously-driven moral high drama. All this talk about honour killing and crime of passion confirms our status as a nation steeped in third world sloth. The media has converted this entire thing into a cheap soap opera.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Wish we had a 'model' social behaviour we all could blindly follow and bear 100% positive results. However, the closest we can come to making things 'right' is to put our house in order first. Reassess what really are our priorities, how are we dealing with the demands of life, what are the values we are following and imparting to our kids, how effective are we in different roles we play and address our weaknesses sincerely, even if that means seeking professional help.
Abhishek: Dr. Singh, you said we all chip in to make society and if we keep our house in order then everything will be OK. I have one kid to control population, but there are others who have more than one. The middle-class of India cares more about the world to keep their house in order, but if something goes slightly wrong they want to keep honour in society. I feel values in middle-class families is being considered more from society's end, and not from the end of the individual. I want your opinion on the same.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes there is still a lot of 'honour' and 'face-saving' aspects we are cowed down with. However, I still believe in the strength of each individual that make the fine stitch of the fabric that our society is made of. Let each one of us introspect and check out what we are doing right and not right for our family and things would be straightened out fast. But yes, this needs a lot of internal strength and conviction with what we are.
Madhavi: India as a society is degenerating in its values, ethics, morals...only greed, self-interest prevails over family virtues and culture. We are going through a Trishanku complex, neither Western/and hence modern nor are we able to break the traditional/and hence conservative mindset. This is destroying our society. Comments.
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Dr Madhumati Singh: We are still in the process of reaching our 'homeostasis'.. and it’s not too far away that youngsters will steer our nation to new heights, we have to propel their aspirations by being with them, setting an example for them and guiding them.
Aakash Goel: Being a psychologist, can you elaborate on what should a child do if he/she ever finds himself/herself is such a situation?
Dr Madhumati Singh: The child should keep in touch with someone while he/she is going through any turmoil in life. Seeking professional help is the best and safest choice of a psychologist, or a teacher in school that he/she trusts in etc
Tisha: After seeing such cases, as an urban woman I wonder, is it better to be my child's mother, or is it better to become my child's friend! I usually conclude that being a friend to my child would lead to a better connection with my child, and hence I will be better able to check on his/her safety. What do you think about this?
Dr Madhumati Singh: It’s important to first be a parent cause only then you will be able to 'direct', 'guide', 'help' your child. So that he/she may look up to you for direction in life. It’s very important to lead your child to a healthy lifestyle. Once that’s established in broad terms, the role of the friend follows. For e.g. making sure that bedtime is firm and fixed for weekdays, and flexi on weekends- you can sit with the kids and enjoy an animation film just like friends.
Ramguh: I am a teenager, I was brought up by my grandparents. Since both my parents were working, my grandma used to take care of me and my brother. I find in the next generation the possibility of existence of extended families is fast eroding. Does this not reduce the opportunity for kids to imbibe good values and good amount of love? What kind of alternatives do you foresee that can act as alternatives to the support that was given by extended families in bringing up of children?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes, people are becoming more and more intolerant in relationships and coexistence because the "I" is fast emerging as the dragon spewing fire and arrogance. There is least room for accommodation, and respect for elders. And yes, joint families are fast breaking down. The best choice for such kids where both parents are compelled to work to make two ends meet, is hostel life.
Sujeet Srivastava: I would like to know your views on the role played by the schools today, mainly the public schools in metros. In terms of creating an environment that nurtures values among the kids how far they have been successful?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Parents make the core impact on values on kids, then comes school and yes schools today are unable to focus on values as they should be, huge classes, race for academic and sport excellence, resource crunch etc are main reasons that schools are unable to put in their best.
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Aakash Goel: Is this one of those unusual cases or is it that such absence of values existed but we didn't know about it?
Dr Madhumati Singh: People in metros have been woken up to the alarming state of our lifestyle we are deep into and each one of us are questioning ourselves cause most of us can identify with atleast one aspect of this incident.
Vijendra: As a psychologist, we would like your recommendations on how we can save our teenage from western attack on our core values?
Dr Madhumati Singh: First be a role model to your kids. Second, work with the changing times, be sensitive to keeping a balance between the new and the old, be connected to how the youngsters are different from you as youngster and reach a workable negotiation. Third, learn to listen to your kids, most of what you need to do or not do you will understand by just listening with a keen ear. Fourth, communicate to the kids, what’s most important to you as core values of a human being. Be firm on that and be an example first. Rest assured they will want to be that, cause kids (even if they become 50) always want to please their parents.
Abhishek: My question is very simple. Don't you think that it's a problem more of society than the individual as society makes more noise then any one else for something, so one has to do something to keep society happy?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Each one of us chips in to make a society, so society is sub-total to all parts, which is each one of us. If we set our house in order to we have done our job, so it’s time to look inward and set things straight in our immediate family first, rest will be simple.
Suresh Babu: Is money spoiling the relationship between people in close-knit families? Each one has become independent, not bothered to confide with others.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes, we measure our self-worth in 'money' and ‘each one to oneself’ attitude like a kid in the West says: Dad, I scored an A+ in all my subjects and dad replies: Good for you...and no sharing and empathy, and yes there is very little sense of commitment in relationships, most of it is a matter of convenience.
Vikash: I suppose the best way to think about why is the youth of today more likely to ape the West than follow a system that our part of the world had perfected over thousands of years giving us what we call today our culture is to look at the economics of it. The obvious answer to that is economic freedom as apart from the fact that as Rajeev pointed out 'our values' have come to that point that few people can actually explain why our customs are performed with cultural reasoning. So I guess the more progressive way forward is to question each of our customs until its understanding is found, following which this is explained to our future generations, although also informing that this by modern day connected world requires individuals to understand and reason alien practices, in order to attain economic fulfillment.
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Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes it’s a good to question what’s been offered to us and it’s our intelligence that should be able to conjure a recipe of well-rounded 'rules', 'values', 'beliefs' –name what you may — that steers our family towards mutual respect, happiness, bonding and belongingness.
Amit: Things have changed dramatically over the last few years, each year I visit India, I find people debating on bold topics like sex, extra-marital affairs, swingers party etc, which was unthinkable in the past. More and more women are joining the workforce, but still there is an artificial curtain drawn between men and women. Sexual frustration leads to incidents like rape and molestation. Moral values have gone down, as we can see in the recent incidents. Staying virgin is old fashioned now. Call centres are to be blamed for drifting our youngsters towards western culture. Exposure to Internet and cable television also contributes to degeneration.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes, I agree with your understanding of how Indian metros are galloping the change without any foresight or hindsight.
Yuvaraj: As the middle-class families are the ones which are holding the family values/culture, it is still there. We cannot blame for one such incident. Mother’s love is always pure and if one mother kills her own kid, it doesn’t mean all mothers are cruel.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes, such exceptions as this case can’t be the rule (and thank god for that!).
Samrat: Don't you see this a result of indiscriminate aping the West? Or is this only a fall-out of growing consumerist culture?
Dr Madhumati Singh: A combination of both. Parents have loads of money and no time to give their kids. The kid is more dependent, communicative and emotionally close to the house help than parents.
Aakash Goel: What do you think is the best way to improve this situation?
Dr Madhumati Singh: One parent needs to take a backseat with his/her professional aspirations and be the primary parent for child (that’s why its better to have atleast 2 kids). We have very little time for our kids. We think touching base with the kid at the end of the day with few lines of “All well?” is sufficient, because we are spending big for the birthday parties, planning expensive holidays for kids etc. We need to connect to each aspect of our child- who are her friends, her interests, her moods, highs and lows, simple narrations of the day etc. that is sadly missing or lacking. Thirdly, make the family capable of sharing household chores so that we make do with part-time help only.
Inderjit: Dr. Singh, I have only a simple query... why are the media and the people of India so bent upon passing judgement on Dr Talwar - he has been arrested by the police who have not yet provided any evidence and have still not recovered the murder weapons nor the mobiles? The Inspector General of Police made some serious gaffes on Friday in the press conference where he misnamed the murder victim as "Shruti" instead of Aarushi no less than 4 times! There are so many loopholes in the police theory presented that it looks like a wild goose cheese! I just want to say we should refrain from passing judgement on this case until we have enough evidence to prosecute this heinous crime. Are we all guilty of some perverse form of voyeurism? Is this what today's India has become?
Dr Madhumati Singh: I totally agree with you. It’s presumptuous to name Dr Talwar as the killer within the limited investigations that are on. However this news has kind of awakened the middle-class spiritual and emotional stupor. It comes as a rude jolt to us parents and guardians who have their vulnerabilities living in nuclear family, one child double income, helper dependent household and more than 50% of a metro is fits within this profile.
Sujeet Srivastava: Since children are strongly influenced by parents, and feel an urge to follow whatever it may be good or bad, don't you think that leading by example is the only way out?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Absolutely right! Parents primarily form the fabric of values for kids and yes, parents are failing to keep up their values, and they are unable to look up to parents as role models and thus are lost in this huge crowd of all kids of people following all kinds of values. And then starts their difficult and frustrating journey of trial and error with all kinds of values that different people offer them.
Rajeev Pant: There were never any "values' in any case, what passed off as "values" was just a curious mix of fear, lack of opportunities, a primitive economic system and false respects. Values, if strong, can withstand all external conditions...finally, the option of saying "yes" or "no' is as clear as water. And yes, the opening up of sexual identities has posed another problem to the already false "values". It’s high time now to re-define what these fake values were/are and what we want them to be. Life will be easier and more honest.
Dr Madhumati Singh: Values have, are and will always be in any cultural context that we are looking into, now what kind of values we have depends on the societal permissiveness and openness. It’s important to define one's core values first (i.e. what is important for a family as a unit for all its family members) and primarily the parents do this job followed by school, peers and community at large. It’s emotionally reassuring and easier for kids to operate in a well-defined value structure in the family, failing which they are open-ended to experiment with trial and error.
Rema Menon: Are we trying to ape the West where there is no room for the family values? Only the present whims & fancies only exist. Then why not copy them fully? Be bold & come out in the open & start a new relationship instead of being a coward & do such gruesome murders?
Dr Madhumati Singh: Yes we are trying to ape the West and doing a half-cooked job at that. It’s important to imbibe progressive and positive values of any culture, not eroding on what are our cultural and moral strengths.
####Chat | Dr Madhumita: ’Parents have money, no time’
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