- Platonic intimacy is a deep and affectionate connection among friends that doesn’t involve any sort of sexual feelings.
- Form platonically intimate friendships by asking your friends about themselves, offering respectful touches like hugs, and telling them how much they mean to you.
- Appreciate platonic intimacy in your life by looking for signs of it, like feeling at ease around your friends or having vulnerable conversations about yourselves.
What is platonic intimacy?
Platonic intimacy is any display of affection between close friends. If you’ve ever hugged your friends, told them you love them, or even shared emotional moments, you’ve been platonically intimate with them. Really, it’s anything that brings you closer to or displays your deep respect and admiration for your friends, especially if it’s accompanied by moments of vulnerability. Platonic intimacy often goes a bit deeper than casual friendship. Your intimate friends are people you trust and confide in, and who you form intense emotional bonds with.
Platonic intimacy is different from romantic intimacy. It’s true that you probably share intimacy with your friends in many of the same ways you share intimacy with your partner, like touching, sharing meals, or expressing your love verbally. The key to understanding romantic love vs. platonic friendship, though, is that romantic intimacy involves sex or sexual attraction, while platonic intimacy is nonsexual. To that end, heterosexual men and women can totally make platonic friendships work, so long as they set some boundaries and treat each other like friends instead of possible romantic partners. Platonic relationships can be just as fulfilling, or even more fulfilling, than romantic relationships! Some people even find platonic soulmates they share their lives with.
Platonic intimacy is rooted in the philosopher Plato’s teachings. The concept of close, non-romantic friendships is nothing new. The term was first used by the Italian scholar Marsilio Ficino in around 1476 in love letters he wrote to a poet and friend. He used the word “platonic” after the Greek philosopher Plato, who valued and often spoke of intimate intellectual relationships among peers that lacked any sexual aspects, preferring the mind over the body. According to Plato, we often find positive aspects within our friends which tend to make us better and more complete people.
Why is platonic intimacy important?
Having intimate friends is good for your mental health. You may have heard the saying, “No man is an island,” and it couldn’t be more true. As humans, we need other humans to socialize and connect with. Having close, intimate friends to confide in and to lean on helps us cope with stress or other negative experiences, knowing that we’re not alone in our struggles, and that we have someone to talk to, if we need it. More than just handling negative emotions, intimate friendships help us build positive experiences and pursue our goals. Think about how good you feel after talking with your BFF, or the sense of accomplishment you get when competing on a sports team.
Platonic intimacy is good for your physical health. Studies show that having a solid network of close friends may increase your lifespan, similar to proper diet and exercise. One particular study suggests that those with close networks of friends are more resistant to communicable diseases like the common cold. When our minds are nourished, so are our bodies, and one of the best ways to nourish our minds is by keeping good company.
Platonic affection can improve your romantic relationships. Your romantic partner is often the person you’re closest to, but even they can’t provide for all your social and personal needs. Relying solely on a romantic partner to lean on or to entertain you can place strain on the relationship, which is why it’s important to have a few close friends to lean on, as well. An intimate friend can also help you resolve relationship quarrels with a valuable outside perspective. Also, your friends often share interests and goals you might not share with your romantic partner. Surrounding yourself with diverse and like-minded people helps you more easily pursue those goals and interests.
How to Develop Platonic Intimacy
Join a club or social group to find like-minded people. Intimate relationships don’t just sprout up overnight. Joining a book group, a cooking class, or a club sports team is a great way to encounter people you might not otherwise cross paths with and initiate new friendships. Ask the people in your club for their contact info so you can connect outside the function, or invite them to hang out afterward so you can talk to them in another context and get to know them better.
Ask your friends lots of questions about themselves. It’s hard to be intimate with someone you hardly know, but intimacy tends to happen naturally when you have a more complete concept of someone. Ask the people around you where they’re from, what it was like growing up, or even just what they’re currently passionate about. Make sure to be a good listener and stay engaged by asking follow-up questions. Ask your closer friends profound questions like, “Have you ever been in love?” or, “What’s the biggest misconception about you?” to dig even deeper. Just be sure to respect their boundaries if they seem uncomfortable. Avoid oversharing, which is divulging things about yourself that are irrelevant or too intense for the conversation, which can make others uncomfortable. Keep your questions and personal sharing in line with the vibe of the conversation.
Give your friends casual, appropriate touches, like hugs. Physical touch is a huge component of platonic intimacy, and having that sort of physical contact helps to deepen a connection. Hug your friends when you see them, or even offer a more casual fist-bump or shoulder pat. These regular, friendly, and familiar gestures often bring us closer together and place us at ease in each other’s company, making intimacy much easier. If you’re comfortable, ask your friends if it’s alright to hold their hands or lean on them as you sit together. These more personal forms of touch often bring us even closer, faster.
Use your words and actions to show your friends your appreciation. Never underestimate the power of a simple, “Hey, I’m glad you’re my friend.” Remind your friends every so often that they’re important to you to strengthen your bond. Also, ask your friends how they prefer to be shown platonic affection, like being given gifts or being hugged often, and follow through on that to tell them you love them platonically! Regular displays of platonic affection are key to fostering intimacy and setting down relationship roots. In addition, be a good friend by doing small favors for the people close to you. Helping someone move or giving them a ride to the airport aren’t always fun activities, but they show the recipients that you’re there for them.
Signs of Platonic Intimacy
You find it easy to be yourself around your friends. With some relationships, you might put on a sort of mask or persona that keeps you at a distance, even if you enjoy the other person’s company. In relationships with platonic intimacy, though, you know that you can be your true self without the fear of judgment. What’s more, you know that if you make a mistake, it’s no big deal, and that your friends will be quick to forgive.
You’re often expressing your affection for your friends. With platonic intimacy, the name of the game is affection. These are people you would do anything for, after all. Frequent declarations of, “I love you,” or, “You mean a lot to me” are par for the course. And depending on the relationship, you might even share frequent physical touches like kisses on the cheek or hand-holding as outward signs of your bond. You and your friends might prefer instead to communicate your affection in ways you both understand, like buying groceries or doing chores for each other. What’s important is that the message is clear—“I love and appreciate you!”
You and your friends have vulnerable and open conversations. You probably don’t walk into coffee shops and tell strangers your deepest, darkest secrets, since you’re not familiar with or bonded to those strangers. That sort of confidence and trust is earned. If you and your friends often sit and openly talk about sensitive subjects like your upbringings, past relationships, or traumas, then you know your connection is deeper than most others. You can be vulnerable about positive things, too! Sharing in each other’s accomplishments or milestones is also a powerful form of platonic intimacy.
Your relationship withstands time and distance. Some friendships fizzle the moment the other person moves away or gets busy, but a platonically intimate relationship is more durable and loyal. After all, you and your close friends have put too much effort into the relationship and value each other too much to just drop it as soon as it becomes less than convenient. If you find yourself picking up an old relationship right where it left off, it’s a safe bet that it’s an intimate one. That’s not to say that intimate friends never argue or go through rough patches, just that you know a few bumps along the way aren’t enough to permanently separate you.
Hurdles of a Platonically Intimate Relationship
Jealousy Close connections are often accompanied by feelings of jealousy when one person forms other connections with other people, similar to romantic relationships. In platonically intimate relationships especially, it’s easy to feel jealous of your friend’s romantic partner, who might have access to aspects of your friend that you don’t. Avoid jealousy in your friendships by reminding yourself that you’re not competing with anyone, and that it’s totally fair and even necessary for both of you to have other relationships.
Romantic or sexual feelings Since platonic intimacy often looks and feels similar to romantic intimacy, it can be easy to get the two confused and accidentally move your relationship into tricky territory. Set boundaries about the types of contact you can have or the conversations you can initiate to make sure your friendship stays just that—a friendship. For example, you might decide not to broach the subject of sex, or not to hold hands if it prompts confusing emotions.
Codependence When two people get extremely close, it becomes easy for one or both to rely on each other, often to an unhealthy degree. Recognize the signs of codependency, which include a need to always be around each other, a high level of trust that sometimes results in oversharing or roping each other into dangerous activities, or a need for each other to fulfill every emotional need. If you think you and a friend are codependent, take a month-long break from seeing each other in order to refocus on yourselves, and to remind yourselves of who you are without each other—independent and fully-formed individuals.
Ghosting Ghosting is when one person abruptly ends a relationship without any warning. It’s a danger in any relationship, and often happens because one person holds unvoiced resentments or doesn’t want to take responsibility for the end of the relationship. It can be especially hurtful in a friendship that was platonically intimate, since you shared a deeper trust than other relationships. Avoid ghosting by practicing open and honest communication. Make it a point to say how you feel, but also let your friends voice their own concerns. Use “I” statements in conflicts, like, “I was hurt by the way you…” and, “I want to help us move past this.” Respond to ghosting by sending an honest message asking why it happened, like, “Hey, I know you must be hurting, but I hoped I could ask why you won’t speak to me.” Understand that you may not receive a response, but you’ll feel better for trying.
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