What does “Live Vicariously Through You” mean?
It means a person living through the activities of someone else. Instead of engaging in their own interests and activities, they get enjoyment and satisfaction from seeing or hearing about what another person is doing. They often have an emotional connection and feel like they’re participating in that person’s life. Some studies have even shown that vicarious positive experiences stimulate the part of the brain associated with reward or elation. Living vicariously through another person’s experiences can be harmless for a limited time or during a specific event. For example, you watch a movie, imagine yourself participating in the action, and then return to your own life when the movie ends. It can also be a useful tool to help therapists develop the empathy they need to help their clients work through emotional and psychological trauma.
It’s often used as a tongue-in-cheek compliment. Many people use the phrase to let a friend know that they admire some part of their lives. This admiration can be a lucky situation, a physical attribute, or a talent or skill. Even though they say they will live vicariously through you, they don’t mean it literally. “My social life consists of watching Netflix with my cat, so I’ll just live vicariously through you for all the parties you go to.” “I’m too busy to travel this summer. Please post your vacation photos so I can live vicariously through you.” “I get vertigo walking down the stairs, so I’ll just have to live vicariously through you when you’re skydiving tomorrow.”
In some contexts, the phrase is meant to be insulting. Some people use “live vicariously through you” or the idea of living vicariously in a mildly judgemental way. In this case, the phrase is often used in response to a specific action. “She really needs to take up a hobby instead of living vicariously through her son’s baseball games.” “He spends so much time living vicariously through the lives of movie stars, he’s going to start signing autographs in the break room.” “It’s starting to feel like they live vicariously through their social media feed instead of living their own life.” “It’s clear he’s trying to live vicariously through his partner’s professional success because he doesn’t put any effort into his own career.”
Examples of Living Vicariously
Parent & Child One of the more common ways a person lives vicariously through another is when a parent pushes their child to excel in sports, dance, academics, etc. They want the child to experience or achieve things they couldn’t in their own lives. This causes an unhealthy relationship where the child feels they can’t live up to their parent’s expectations. The parent is also disappointed because the child may not want what the parent wants and fails to achieve their parent’s goals.
Fictional Characters Someone strongly relates to book, movie, or TV show characters to the extent that they immerse themselves in the character. This can lead to a loss of identity and isolation. Binge-watching TV can be a coping strategy for people who are already lonely, but it becomes unhealthy when relied on in the long term.
Social Media Addiction When someone is addicted to social media, they experience life through others’ posts. They may neglect their real-life obligations, feel anger when they can’t use social media, and give up hobbies they previously enjoyed. They can experience sleep deprivation, substance abuse, and difficulty concentrating. Young people who spend more time on social media are more likely to self-harm and have a greater risk of suicidal thoughts than those who don’t use social media.
Celebrity Obsession This is when a person develops parasocial (or one-sided) relationships with a celebrity. They invest time and energy into connecting with a celebrity who has no idea they exist. It can cause them to change their clothing or hairstyle to look more like their celebrity obsession. In some extreme cases, the person will get plastic surgery to look even more like the celebrity they emulate. They may replace time spent with friends and loved ones with daydreaming about their celebrity obsession.
Sports Fanaticism This happens when a sports fan becomes extremely invested and emotionally involved in the wins and losses of their favorite team. Their identity is wrapped up in being a fan of a specific team to the point that how the team is doing causes them to feel depression, anger, or anxiety that’s out of proportion to the events happening around them.
Why Living Vicariously Is Dangerous
Living vicariously distracts you from your life. It’s a form of escapism that, in small doses, can temporarily help you cope with a rough patch, but it becomes a crutch when used in the long term. If you’re living vicariously through someone else to avoid feelings of dissatisfaction with your life, you won’t be able to make positive changes or learn from your mistakes. Being so focused on another person’s life makes it more difficult to make decisions because you aren’t focusing on your own problems. You also wonder what the other person would do even though they aren’t in your shoes and haven’t experienced the same things you have.
You damage your relationship with the other person. When you live vicariously through another, you may stop seeing them as a separate person with their own hopes and dreams. This is especially true when a parent is living vicariously through their child. Because the parent controls the child, they pressure them to do what they want instead of allowing the child to grow and find their own interests. The child may feel they can never live up to their parent’s expectations, making them feel inadequate and resentful, damaging their bond.
You experience a loss of identity. When you immerse yourself in someone else’s life, you become disconnected from your own. Losing touch with yourself can lead to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, which makes it harder to connect with others. You may begin to seek validation and approval from others, which can further distance you from who you really are.
Being too immersed in fiction gives you unrealistic expectations. Besides being a fun way to spend a few hours, a good book, movie, or TV series can help you build empathy and give you a role model for positive behavioral traits. But if you spend all your time interacting with fictional characters, it can negatively affect your mental and physical health. Consuming too much TV may also give you unrealistic expectations for how the world works and whether relationships are worth maintaining. Spending time with friends and loved ones helps reduce depression and anxiety. It can even help strengthen your immune system.
Time on social media can also lead to depression and isolation. It’s no secret that the images people share on social media are curated and edited to show the user’s life at its best moments. That doesn’t stop people from comparing their own lives to the photos they see. This can cause feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, which lead to depression. Seeing what appears to be another person’s “perfect life” can lead to low self-esteem and negative body issues. Too much social media can also affect your sleep, especially if you’re “doomscrolling” right before bedtime. Checking your socials stimulates your brain, and the blue light from your device can throw off your internal clock.
Focusing on someone else’s life causes you to miss opportunities. When completely focused on someone else’s experiences, you limit your opportunities for a better, more fulfilling life. Instead of focusing on achieving your goals, you push aside your own passions to live through the other person.
How to Stop Living Vicariously
Take a break from social media. If you’re constantly checking your phone and feeling depressed about your life, it may be time to take a social media break. If stopping completely seems too daunting, start small by setting a daily time limit for scrolling. Or, remove social media apps from your phone so you can only access them from a computer. When you’re ready to quit social media completely, deactivate your accounts.
Take up new hobbies and activities. Hobbies can help you reduce stress, enhance feelings of well-being, and help decrease depression and anxiety. Finding a new hobby can also help you meet new people and build new friendships in the real world.
Try not to compare yourself to others. It’s easy to start comparing yourself to successful people to motivate yourself to improve, but when it starts making you feel bad about yourself, it’s time to stop. List your positive traits to help you learn to be kinder to yourself and stop comparing yourself to others. It can also help to start identifying your negative thoughts and making an effort to replace them with more positive ones. Instead of thinking, “This is too hard,” replace it with, “I’m still learning something new.”
Set personal goals. Instead of watching from the sidelines as someone else achieves their goals, set some of your own. If you’re used to focusing on someone else’s successes, figuring out what you want in life may be difficult at first. Think about what makes you happy and what you like to do. Think about career, education, wellness, and relationship goals. Once you’ve settled on a goal, break it down into achievable steps. For example, if you want to play keyboards in a band, the first step may be to locate a piano teacher and sign up for lessons.
Recognize and celebrate your accomplishments. Learning to appreciate even your small accomplishments boosts your self-confidence. It also puts you in a good mood and increases your motivation to do more. When you have a small amount of success, write it down so you don’t forget it. It could be as simple as a “kudos” at work or as big as winning an award. Celebrating can also be a quick happy dance or treating yourself to an ice cream cone.
Talk to a mental health professional. If you’re having problems living vicariously through another person, it can help to talk to a therapist. A licensed therapist can help develop better impulse control skills, overcome feelings of inadequacy, and more.
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