- Dreams about cheating on your partner may point to dissatisfaction with your relationship or feelings of lust toward someone other than your partner.
- Dreams of your partner cheating might indicate a lack of trust in the relationship, low self-esteem, jealousy, or suspicions of actual cheating.
- Talk to your partner openly and honestly about your dreams to help you make sense of them. Remember that your dreams aren’t reality, and aren’t always reliable.
What it Means if You’re Cheating On Your Partner in Your Dreams
You feel guilty about something in or outside your relationship. It doesn’t have to be guilt over cheating, specifically. It can be anything from keeping secrets to feeling like you’re neglecting your partner. Or, it could be something you said to someone else, or the way you handled a tricky situation. That feeling of guilt warps in your sleeping mind and presents itself as something more dramatic, like cheating on your partner. Examine any feelings of guilt you might have, and try to remedy them as soon as you can. Assuage your guilt by showing your partner some extra affection, or coming clean about anything you might be hiding.
You want more from your relationship. Even if you feel like your relationship is the best thing that’s happened to you, you might still be wanting more, in bed or in general. That’s understandable; no relationship is perfect all the time. But those romantic shortcomings might invade your dreams in ways that aren’t pretty. Talk to your partner about what you want from your sex life, or try new things in bed to spice things up. Take steps to find fulfillment elsewhere in your life. Start that project you’ve been contemplating, or consider going back to school. Your romance is just 1 part of who you are!
You’re not entirely over your ex. You might have jumped into a new relationship too soon after that breakup. But then, even people who’ve healed old wounds sometimes think of past partners. That’s normal! They were a significant part of your life; don’t feel like you have to cut out that part of you altogether. Tell your partner how much you love and appreciate them before bed to orient your thoughts toward your current partner, and away from past partners. If you have frequent thoughts about your ex in your waking life, as well, it’s time for some maintenance. Move on from your ex by reminding yourself of why that relationship didn’t work, and focus on the good parts of your current relationship.
You have fantasies about the person in your dream. Sure, you’re in a committed relationship now, but your subconscious didn’t get the memo. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Crushes and sexual attractions are natural, even when you’ve found the one. Our dreams are where our minds explore those aspects of ourselves when we can’t or won’t in our waking life. Relieve some pent-up energy by having sex with your partner or orgasming before you sleep. This also helps center your thoughts on your current partner, rather than another person.
You have a history of cheating. Even if you’re a changed person and would never cheat again, our brains aren’t so quick to forget. You may feel guilty for past infidelities that you haven’t disclosed to your partner. Or you might beat yourself up about mistakes that have come and gone. In either case, talk to your partner or a counselor to get a load off your mind. Confess and apologize to your partner for any infidelity, and own your mistakes. We can’t promise it’ll be easy, but a clear conscience is worth a good night’s sleep. If you’ve already made your mistakes clear, keep talking to your partner about your feelings to help overcome your guilt. Open communication is key to building trust and building confidence in both yourself and your relationship. Start with something like, “You know that I love you more than anything, so I want to ask for your help with some negative emotions I’ve been feeling.”
You have a parent, friend, or other family member who cheated. If someone close to you cheats, especially a parent, it tends to affect you more than you might think. Often, people in these situations start to doubt themselves or worry that if a parent cheated, they’ll be more likely to cheat themselves. But the actions of your relatives aren’t your own, and you’re not responsible for other people’s mistakes. If the situation is unresolved and you need closure, confront your parent. Find some time to talk to them 1-on-1, and explain how their actions have impacted you. If it’s all in the past, confide in your partner. They know the real you, and talking through your anxieties will help you sort them out in your head, making for sounder sleep.
What it Means if Your Partner is Cheating On You in Your Dreams
You have a fear of abandonment, or have been cheated on in the past. Old wounds aren’t always quick to heal. It’s understandable to harbor fears of your current partner cheating when you’ve been cheated on in the past. But remind yourself that your new partner is their own person; it’s unfair to expect the same thing from them if they don’t have that track record. Bring up your anxieties with your partner in a way that doesn’t accuse them of being unfaithful. Say something like, “I know you’d never cheat on me, but I’m having trouble grappling with my past relationships.”
You don’t entirely trust your partner. It’s not that you suspect them of cheating, exactly, you just can’t totally confide in them. Alternatively, your partner might be distant because of work or hobbies. This mistrust creates a rift between you, and can manifest in a number of ways, including dreams of them cheating. Make an effort to build trust between the 2 of you by planning frequent time together, like dates, or even just evenings at home together. In addition, avoid overbearing behaviors like constant check-ins, and remind yourself that they’re mature enough to make the right decisions. Acting suspicious only makes it apparent that you don’t trust them, making the rift between you even wider.
You’re jealous of someone else. Your partner has attractive friends, colleagues, or someone else you’re wary of. Or, even if there’s no competition, you feel you’re competing for your partner’s time, against their friends or hobbies. But this mindset isn’t just unfair to your partner, it’s unfair to yourself for believing you’re not good enough for your partner’s commitment. Remember that your partner chose you for a reason. That reason hasn’t just disappeared. Get closer to your partner to remind yourself of the life you have together. Recreate your first date to remind both of you of why and how much you love each other.
You have low self-esteem or are insecure. We mean this in the softest way possible: sometimes the problem is inside yourself. Low self-esteem sometimes manifests as distrust of others, even your partner. You start to think that you’re not good enough to be with your partner, so maybe their eyes have started wandering. We’re here to slap that self-destructive wrist and tell you that the fact that you entered the relationship at all is proof you’re good enough. Improve your self-esteem by nipping negative thoughts in the bud and turning them into positive thoughts. Instead of, “I’m not good enough for them,” think, “They chose me, and so I’m exactly what they want.” In addition, work exercise into your routine, improve your diet, and work with your partner to build a list of things you both like about you to remind yourself that you’re enough.
You feel neglected or hurt by your partner. Relationship quarrels are another common source of troubled dreams. Going to bed angry only lets your mind wander and exaggerate the problems you face. In addition, a partner who seems to be pulling away or spending less time with you is a recipe for dreams in which you have someone else who does make time for you. Before bed, make it a point to tell your partner you love them, earnestly and genuinely. You don’t have to resolve the conflict late at night, but put it on hold until you’re both rested and have clearer heads. Ask your partner to spend more time with you using “I” statements, like, “I really enjoy your company, and I wish I had more of it. Can we schedule a date or something?”
You suspect your partner is actually cheating. If you think your partner is currently cheating on you, those suspicions are going to bleed into your dreams. Look for the signs of cheating, like unusual secretiveness, apathy, or physical disinterest. Then, before you confront them, talk to a trusted friend or family member to get an outside perspective. If you do decide to confront your partner, use non-accusatory language like, “I worry about how committed we are,” and avoid yes-or-no questions to let them speak freely and openly.
Changing Your Dreams
Keep a dream diary to remember and analyze your dreams. A dream diary helps you get a firm memory of those dreams to reference later. Of course, you don’t feel like you want to remember them, but trust us on this. The first step to confronting the problem is getting a good grip on it. Jot down what you can remember of your dream as soon as you wake up. Later, bring your journal to a therapist, counselor, or your partner. You’ll have a complete and concrete account of your experience to help you talk through it.
Trace your dreams to their causes. Following your dreams back to their initial causes helps you decide if they’re something you should be concerned about, or if they’re just your subconscious mind playing tricks on you. Take a few moments to ask yourself if there are any underlying conditions or causes that may contribute to your negative dreams. If your dreams make you feel guilty, explore that guilt and ask yourself what you feel guilty about, specifically. If they make you feel distrustful of your partner, ask yourself what your partner has done, if anything, to earn that distrust.
Remember that dreams are just dreams. It’s true that our dreams are affected by, and can affect, our reality. We wake up in bad moods after bad dreams, or become paranoid after dreams of infidelity. But remind yourself that dreams aren’t the same as reality itself. Your brain work in mysterious ways, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for everything that goes on in there. Also, avoid blaming other people for what they do in your dreams. Remind yourself that they’re a different person from the person that shows up in your subconscious, and it’s unfair to hold them to that standard.
Talk about your dreams honestly with your partner. It’s true what they say, that the best relationships are built on communication. You don’t have to navigate your dreams alone. An understanding partner will hear you out and help you get to the bottom of your feelings, without judgment. Start by saying, “I’ve been having some dreams that really upset me.” Make it clear that you know your dreams aren’t reality, but that you want to talk about them anyway.
Discuss your dreams with a therapist. Find a therapist to confide in. If you feel uncomfortable speaking freely to your partner, speaking to a licensed mental health professional provides a great alternative. Your therapist will help you explore your feelings and concerns, and help you find a path forward. Bring your dream journal along with you so that you have a clear and comprehensive record of your dreams to share.
See a doctor if your dreams are making you lose sleep. If the problem goes beyond mental well-being and hinders your physical health, make an appointment with a physician. A doctor might prescribe sleep aids to help you get a good night’s sleep despite your troubling dreams. They might also diagnose physical causes of your dreams. Bad dreams are sometimes caused by things like alcohol or drugs, medication like antidepressants, or some sleep disorders.
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