“Pillow Princess” Definition
A pillow princess refers to someone who prefers to receive sexual touch, but not give it. They might reciprocate some sexual acts, but not all, or they may prefer not to give sexual pleasure at all. At least, they may not give it in the transactional, heteronormative sense: pillow princesses may offer sexual pleasure in nontraditional ways, like through nonsexual touching or kissing or limiting physical touch entirely. Pillow princesses often gravitate to “stone butches,” “stone tops,” or “touch me nots,” who often receive sexual pleasure from providing pleasure, and not getting it directly. Pillow princesses are also sometimes called “stone femmes” or “high femmes.” Sexual pleasure is a spectrum, and some pillow princesses may prefer some touch or only certain types of touch and may reciprocate some touch or none; similarly, some stone butches may prefer no touch at all, only some touch, or only certain types of touch, and may give as much or as little as they prefer. Though the term is often used in lesbian circles, it’s expanded to refer to all genders. “Pillow prince” is sometimes used as a masculine form.
Related Terms
Stone butch: The term “stone butch” came about in the 1940s to describe butch (or masculine) lesbians who preferred not to receive sexual pleasure, instead enjoying giving it. The term gained popularity in the 1990s with the publication of Leslie Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues.
Touch me not: A touch me not is a term most often used by Black lesbians and queer people to refer to masculine lesbians or studs.
Stone top: “Stone top” is used among queer, trans, and nonbinary folks independent of gender presentation to communicate a preference not to receive touch during sex. EXPERT TIP Inge Hansen, PsyD Inge Hansen, PsyD Clinical Psychologist Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise. Inge Hansen, PsyD Inge Hansen, PsyD Clinical Psychologist What's the difference between gender identity and presentation? Gender identity is our internal experience and naming of gender, while our gender expression is how we present our gender through clothing, behavior, personal appearance and other characteristics. Both of these are separate from sex, which has to do with anatomy and chromosomes.
Stone femme: Stone femmes are feminine-presenting lesbians who prefer to receive touch during sex. Stone femmes are, essentially, the opposite of stone butches, and the two identities generally complement one another.
High femme: “High femme” is occasionally used in place of “stone femme” or “pillow princess,” but it’s increasingly being used to refer to queer feminine gender expression in general.
Top: A top is someone who generally prefers to be in control during sex. This may mean someone who prefers not to receive touch during sex, but it could just refer to someone who wants to take a more active role in sex than their partner(s).
Bottom: A bottom is a person who prefers to relinquish control during sex. They may like to only receive and not give sexual touch, but “bottom” may also just refer to someone who prefers taking a more passive sexual role than their partner(s). “Top” and “bottom” are less about specific sexual acts, and more about the sexual dynamic of the participants.
Vers: Also sometimes called a “switch,” someone who is vers alternates between topping and bottoming.
“Pillow Princess” Origins
The term probably stems from 1990s LGBTQ media. In 1992, the lesbian magazine Deneuve described a relationship dynamic “where the butch would initiate and give sexual pleasure while the femme would play ‘pillow princess’ and receive.” “Princess” had been a slang term for a lesbian or gay person since the 1960s, and “pillow” in front of it implies passivity.
Is it bad to be a pillow princess?
No! It’s a totally valid sexual identity. Though the term “pillow princess” has been used derogatorily to refer to someone who is too “lazy” or “selfish” to please their partner, a pillow princess is a legitimate sexual identity. Pillow princesses are also very desirable sexual partners to people who may prefer only to provide pleasure and who may not want to be touched. The stigma against pillow princesses may come from a view of sex as transactional rather than experiential. Pillow princesses (and stone butches, for that matter) operate under the understanding that there are different ways to give and receive sexual pleasure, and that what’s enjoyable to you may not be enjoyable to someone else.
Some people consider it a pejorative, so check in before you use it. While many people, especially in the LGBTQ community, consider "pillow princess" a neutral term for a valid sexual identity, others (including in LGBTQ circles) may view it as insulting only. So even if you consider it appropriate, be sure to check in with someone before calling them a pillow princess!
How do I know what my sexual identity is?
You may know inherently, or it may take some exploration. There’s no “right” or “wrong” sexual identity, and no “right” or “wrong” way to figure it out (as long as it’s consensual, of course!). Sexuality is often fluid and yours may change over time. Just be open to new experiences—but also respect your personal boundaries, and practice communicating them with your partner(s) to ensure everyone’s on the same page. Rather than think about what you may identify as, think about your sexual fantasies: what do they look like? Who's there, and what are you (and they) doing? What do you need to feel sexually aroused, to get off, and to feel empowered and have agency in the bedroom? Asking these questions and considering them without judgment will help you figure out what sort of sexual experience you want to have and what your sexual identity might be. You may claim and reject different labels over the course of your life, and that's totally OK!
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