- Think about what the relationship means to you and whether it’s worth continuing or not. Take everyone’s feelings into account, but ultimately make the best decision for you.
- Tell the other person (or people) how you honestly feel and how you want to move forward.
- Learn from the experience by paying attention to how you felt and asking yourself where the feelings came from.
Deciding to Continue or End the Relationship
Consider the role of the relationship(s) in your life. Every relationship serves a different purpose, whether they’re healthy or not. Think about how the person does or does not meet your needs, how you feel around them, and what leaving the relationship would mean. If you don’t feel totally comfortable in the relationship, that’s a good sign you should end it. If you’re seeing two people, think about each relationship and compare them to each other. Consider your history with each person, if you share property or children with them, if your family likes them, if you can see a future with them, etc.
Walk through all possible outcomes. Ask yourself what it would be like to leave or stay in the relationship. If it’s really important to you, consider what you would do to make it work. Some people solve their love triangles by practicing ethical non-monogamy, instead of ending the relationships. Think about how your decisions will affect your friends, family, and the other person you’re seeing (if you’re in the center of the triangle). Discussing your options with a counselor or therapist can help you feel more confident in your decision. If you're the target of emotional, sexual, or physical abuse as a result of the love triangle, seek help from a trusted friend, your healthcare provider, a crisis shelter, a counseling center, or the court system. If you are in danger, contact your local police.
Explore the reasons behind your feelings. Common emotional responses to being in a love triangle include confusion, guilt, division of love, constant pressure, and loneliness. These are valid responses, and they don't make you a bad person. Feelings don’t have to be justified—they aren’t right or wrong. When the pain you feel upon trying to leave the love triangle is greater than the pain you feel for staying, you may take this to mean that this person is "the only one" for you. But that's not likely the case. The pain of leaving is not a reliable indication of true love. Your painful feelings might be based on fear of being alone or memories of the relationship the way it used to be.
Accept that no solution is perfect. Oftentimes, someone in the relationship has had their trust broken. Your outcomes all likely have painful parts—but don’t let that stop you from acting. In this scenario, you need the best outcome for you, not the perfect outcome. Instead of thinking “How can I win this relationship?” think: “What possible result best meets my needs/helps me grow?”
Having a Conversation With Your Partner(s)
Be honest about your needs and feelings. According to dating coach Joshua Pompey: “At the end of the day, you’re just gonna have to figure out who it is you want to be with and be honest with the other person.” As hard as it may be, make the decision based on how you honestly feel. If all three members don’t know about the love triangle, share that information. If you’ve discovered you’re in a love triangle and want to end the relationship with the central person, say something like “I understand that relationships are fluid, but I don’t want to do something like this.” If you want to stay with someone and be exclusive, tell them that you still want to be with them, but that you two have to set boundaries about what other relationships you can have.
Listen actively and use “I” statements. This is a tricky subject, so hold space for the other person by giving them your undivided attention and actively listening to them. Use “I” statements to speak to your own experience and help make the other person more comfortable. You could say something like “I understand that relationships are fluid, but right now I only want to be in something exclusive,” or “I care about you very deeply, and my relationship with someone else doesn’t speak to my love for you, but I want to hear how this is making you feel.”
Take responsibility for your actions and your decision. It may be painful, but being in a love triangle doesn’t make you a bad person. Own up to whatever got you into this situation and be confident in whatever you do to get out of it. You may choose to stay in the love triangle. While unconventional, polyamory may be the option that works best for you, and that is fine. The important thing about remaining in a love triangle is that it's chosen by all three parties - but the same thing is true of two-person relationships as well! Whether you choose to leave or stay, remember that this is a choice you made, not one that's forced upon you. While finding yourself in a love triangle might not have been your choice, you have control over your response to it.
Taking Care of Yourself
Experience and learn from your emotions. It can be easy to sink into feelings of shame, guilt, and anger at yourself or others. Let yourself feel your feelings without judgment, then ask yourself where they came from. Keep asking until the answers start feeling uncomfortable: many truths are hard to face. Write your feelings in a journal, where you are safe to explore your emotions without hurting another person. Crying, hitting something soft, and screaming into your pillow are all good ways to relieve pressure when your feelings are overwhelming. Take some time apart from the person with whom you're angry. Sometimes a short walk around the block will suffice. Other times, you may need to ask them to take some space.
Let negative emotions pass without judging them. Feelings of guilt and worthlessness are common among all parties involved in a love triangle. When these feelings arise, don't allow them to consume you. Instead, notice that they're present, and let them go. Remember that it's your actions that matter in dealing with a love triangle. Your feelings are likely to change, but your actions can impact yourself and others forever. A lot of anger comes from mourning events that have not yet come to pass. For example, thinking about lonely holidays yet to come, or being alone in old age, can be the source of much suffering. Remember that none of us can predict the future, and no matter what it looks like now, your life circumstances are still a work in progress.
Move on from your relationship by distracting yourself. Pompey says that doing things that make you happy, like hanging out with friends or having hobbies makes you “slowly start to feel like life is good and…fun [even] without that person still in the picture.” To Pompey, the best way to get over someone is, surprisingly enough, to start dating again—“the more people you go out with, the more [your relationship will] be in the rearview mirror and you'll be able to get over it.” Of course, only do this if you feel ready.
Seek counseling. Therapists are professionally trained listeners. Seeing one can help you get to the root of your problems, overcome emotional obstacles, and make positive changes. If you feel you may have an addiction to sexual relationships, consider joining a 12-step program or a mental health therapist to help you better understand your behavior. If you find yourself feeling violent as a result of a love triangle, immediately seek professional help from a therapist.
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