Ceasing Communication
Avoid communicating with the stalker. A stalker’s behavior makes them feel they have power over you. If you provide them with any reaction, even telling them to leave you alone, they have successfully manipulated you into getting you to respond to them. Never respond or react to them. Do not respond to any of their texts, emails, or website comments. Instead, save all of these communications for evidence. If you see the stalker, try not to show any reaction. The stalker wants to see you react to know they have control. Do your best to present a stone-faced and calm exterior, but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t. Their behavior is not your fault.
Take all threats seriously. If the stalker has directly or indirectly threatened to harm you, believe them. Contact law enforcement immediately and make plans to be safe. Make sure you record and report all details of the threat once you are in a safe place. A stalker may also threaten suicide in order to manipulate you, particularly if you were previously in a relationship with them. If this happens, contact law enforcement. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated.
Make changes to your technology. If your stalker had access to your phone or computer, get new ones. The old ones may be infected with spyware or GPS tracking devices. Get a new email address and phone number. Send out an email from your new email address to your close contacts. You could say, “I’ve had to change my email address because I’m currently being harassed and stalked by my ex-husband. I ask that you please not share this address with others unless you have my permission.” Change your passwords for all online accounts, including banking, shopping, and entertainment websites. You may wish to keep your old email and phone/phone number active in order to collect evidence against the stalker, but have that information forwarded along to law enforcement.
Getting Support From Family and Friends
Inform others of your situation. One of the most important things you can do is to let people know about the stalking. Sharing your concerns with people you trust will gain you a much-needed network of support. These people will also be able to keep an eye out for you and help keep you safe. Tell people you trust, such as family members, close friends, teachers, co-workers, or those in your religious community. You also may want to inform people in protective roles at your school or work about your situation. For example, consider informing your school principal, university official, or security company at work. Show people the stalker’s picture or give them a detailed description of their appearance. Let them know what they should do if they see the person. For example, “Please call the police right away if you see him. And please text me so I can stay away.”
Ask for privacy on social media. Ask your friends not to post any information about your whereabouts or post any pictures of you. Consider deleting your account entirely, or severely restricting its use. Your stalker may be using what you post on social media to track you down and learn about your day-to-day activities. If you know the stalker and their online identity, block them from being able to access your accounts.
Develop a plan. Come up with a plan that you can quickly put into motion if you feel you are being threatened. This plan may include knowing a safe place to stay, having important documents and phone numbers at your disposal, or signaling people in the event of an emergency. You may wish to have an emergency bag packed if you find you need to leave quickly with necessary papers and supplies. Consider informing family and friends of a code word or phrase that indicates that you are in danger and not able to speak freely. For example, you could decide that “Do you want to order Thai food tonight?” is your signal for your friend to contact emergency services on your behalf. If you have children, help them know of safe places to go and people to talk to if you or they find themselves in danger.
Keeping Yourself Safe
Vary your routine. Change up your daily routine and do your best to avoid getting into any pattern. Take a different way to work and leave at different times, find other places to get your coffee, or switch around the days of your exercise class.
Stay alert when you are out in public. Don’t bury your head in your phone, or listen to music with headphones on while out in public. Remember the saying, “There’s safety in numbers,” so ask friends or family to accompany you places if necessary. Don’t walk alone at night. Ask your friends to walk you to your door. Make sure you have all your belongings with you. Be conscious of remembering your wallet or jacket, for example.
Avoid exercising alone. Join a gym or start running or biking with a group. Exercise only in well-traveled, well-lit areas. Do not wear headphones. Carry a self-defense item, such as pepper spray, with you. Find friends to work out with. For example, if you’re a runner, recruit one of your friends to train for a race with you.
Learn self-defense techniques. Knowing how to defend yourself in the event of an attack can help you feel more powerful and prepared. You can also learn ways to be more aware of your surroundings. Take a self-defense class. You can often find self-defense classes at fitness centers, community centers, colleges/universities, or at local martial arts studios. Carry a self-defense item, such as pepper spray, with you, and make sure you know how to use it. Consider asking a police officer what self-defense tools they recommend.
Secure your home. Take measures to keep protect your home and keep yourself safe while in it. Inform trustworthy neighbors of your situation so they, too, can keep an eye out for suspicious behavior. Some measures you could take include: Keeping doors and windows locked, even when you’re at home. Keep the curtains closed. Giving a spare key to a neighbor instead of hiding one on your property. Installing a security camera or security system around your property.
Use caution when opening the door. You may wish to stop answering the door entirely unless you are expecting someone. Don’t worry about being impolite: It’s better to be rude and safe. Ask friends or family to call you when they are outside your door, or identify themselves by name while knocking. For example, they could say, “Hi Jane! It’s Carlos! I’m at your front door!” Consider having your deliveries sent to your place of employment, if possible, or a friend’s or family member’s house. Ask any service people for their identification badge if they will be working on your property. Install a peephole if you don’t have one.
Collecting Evidence and Pursuing Legal Options
Speak to a victim advocate. Call a crisis hotline and speak to someone who can help you learn more about stalking laws in your location, help you develop some strategies to stay safe, and refer you to other services. One number to call is the Victim Connect Resource Center at 855-4-VICTIM.
Contact the police. Your stalker may be breaking anti-stalking laws, or may have committed other crimes like damaging your property. Talk to the police about what you can do. They will open a file and advise you of the best precautions to take and the types of information you have that will be most helpful for them.
Get a restraining order. If you know the identity of your stalker, you can file for a restraining order, also known as an order of protection, against them. You can discuss this with a law enforcement official or your victim advocate.
Hold on to all evidence. Record and document any threatening texts, emails, or phone calls. Forward them to the police officer assigned to your case. Do not throw away any items the stalker may have given you; instead, pass them along to the police. Take a screenshot of any website harassment to send to the police. You can also report harassment to the owner of the website, who may be able to help you or law enforcement track down the location of the perpetrator. If you suspect the stalker has caused damage to your property, file a police report (for insurance purposes as well as evidence), and be sure to photograph the damage.
Create an incident log. Record details of every encounter with the stalker. Document date and time, what transpired, and your follow-up with law enforcement. If anyone else in your life routinely sees the stalker, like a coworker or roommate, ask them if they would be willing to create an incident log of their own sightings/encounters for additional evidence.
Identifying Stalker Behavior
Trust your instincts. If the situation feels unsettling, don’t write it off as an overreaction. Stalkers incite terror in their victims, because they want to have power over them and control the situation. If someone keeps showing up in your life in one way or another, and it is beginning to unnerve you, you may be dealing with a stalker. A stalker is not a person who shows up repeatedly and annoys you. Repeated contacts are considered stalking only when the encounters begin to have power over you and frighten you.
Determine if the person is stalking you. Learn the warning signs and typical behaviors of stalkers. Some common behaviors of stalkers include: Following you (whether you know it or not) Frequently calling you and hanging up, or sending you numerous, unwanted texts or emails Showing up at your home, school, or place of work, or waiting for you outside of these places Leaving gifts for you Damaging your home or other property
Identify the stalker. Most of the time, the stalker is someone known to the victim. They can be former romantic partners, an acquaintance, or a relative, though sometimes they are strangers. If you know the person who is stalking you, provide law enforcement all the information you have on this individual, including any electronic information like email addresses or usernames. Provide a picture if you can. If you do not know the person, try to safely record a video or get a picture of them. Write down a license plate number and as specific a description as you are able.
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