You made a lousy proposal—now what?
Sincerely apologize ASAP. As soon as you realize you messed up the proposal, own up to it as part of a genuine, thoughtful apology. It doesn’t matter if you think your partner is making too big a deal of it—it is a big deal to them. So, even though the proposal didn't go well, you've got a chance to reveal your maturity and concern for their feelings: “I should have realized that you’d be uncomfortable with a proposal in public. I’m so sorry that I let my ideas for a grand proposal get in the way of making it special for you. I hope you’ll give me the chance to make up for my mistake.” “I know you’re disappointed that I don’t have a ring. I should have waited until I had one and I truly apologize for making that mistake. I hope you can see that it’s because I was so eager to ask you!”
Explain what went wrong without shifting the blame. Obviously you didn’t intend for your proposal to go off the rails, so try to share your thinking behind your plan. Aim to help your partner see that you had good intentions even though things didn’t quite work out. But, even if things beyond your control—like bad weather—played a big role, continue to hold yourself ultimately accountable. For example, you might subtly point out that your partner’s sister was the one who ruined the surprise, but own up to the fact that you should have come up with a more fool-proof plan. You might also apologize for not having a good backup plan ready to go if, for instance, an unexpected restaurant shutdown messed up your proposal plan.
Talk about your relationship if they say “no” (or consider saying “no”). In the worst-case scenario, a terrible proposal might turn a “yes” into a “no,” or at least a much more tentative “yes.” If your bad proposal has confirmed existing concerns your partner had, your chances of changing their mind are slim. If, however, your partner made a snap decision, you might be able to convince them to reconsider by having a deeper conversation about the relationship as a whole. After apologizing and explaining what went wrong, you might say something like this: “I feel terrible that my screw-up has made you question our relationship. Can we please talk about that? I’d really like to explain why I believe we can still have a great future together.”
Ask about doing a re-proposal. Your partner may really want you to do another proposal that better aligns with their dreams of the event. Once you’ve given your sincere apology for screwing up, ask politely for a second chance. If they’d rather move on and put the whole episode behind them, accept that. But, if they want you to try again, get straight to planning a re-do!
Customize your re-proposal and make it count. Learn from your mistakes the first time around and be sure to use your knowledge of your partner to craft a proposal that’s perfectly suited to them. If they hated being on the jumbotron at the baseball game the first time around, for example, choose a private setting for the second proposal. If they didn’t really like the ring you picked out, take them ring shopping with you—after all, the element of surprise isn’t such a big deal this time! Common complaints about proposals-gone-wrong include wrong ring/no ring, too soon in the relationship, public instead of private, ruined surprise, and bad timing. Your partner may want you to come up with the re-proposal on your own (to prove you can get it right), or they might want to get involved with the planning. Go with whichever method they prefer.
Assist them in planning a perfect engagement party. Having an awesome engagement party can rinse away the bad taste of a subpar proposal. So it’s definitely not time for you to get nitpicky about details or stubborn about what you want for the party. Instead, do whatever you can to help your partner get the exact engagement party they want. If your proposal setting was way too low-key for your partner’s taste, for example, a super-classy engagement party brunch might really help smooth things over.
Help them get the wedding and reception of their dreams. If the engagement party didn’t get you out of the doghouse, keep prioritizing your partner’s wishes when it comes time to plan the wedding. A dream wedding will almost certainly make your partner forget all about your lousy proposal! Don’t be a complete pushover here, though. Show that you have a genuine interest in the wedding (and its planning) by providing ideas and advocating for your preferences. But, when push comes to shove, compromise in your partner’s favor when making decisions.
You got a terrible proposal—now what?
Think about what bothered you so much about it. Take some time to really evaluate what happened and why it didn’t work for you. Was it bad planning, bad luck, bad judgment, or something else? Was the proposal egregiously awful, or just not what you had in mind? Does it make you worry about the relationship’s future (or even make you want to end the relationship)?
Ask yourself if you had realistic expectations. Is it possible that you imagined a proposal so picture-perfect that your partner never had a chance of achieving it? If so, try to picture the bar being set at a more realistic level, then evaluate whether your partner’s proposal still fell short. You may find that their proposal no longer feels like such a big letdown! For instance, maybe you felt let down by the size of the diamond in the engagement ring. But, was your expectation based on what your partner could reasonably afford, or on the rocks you’ve seen handed out on TV?
Give your partner credit if they tried hard but got bad results. For example, did the proposal go awry because it was too complicated and one little missing piece caused the whole thing to come crashing down? In a case like this, remember how difficult and nerve-wracking the experience was for them, and give them a genuine “thank you” for their effort. If, however, it feels like the proposal went bad because your partner failed to put any real effort into it, then you may have reason to wonder about their commitment to make an effort in other areas that are important to you.
Consider if their failure here reveals bigger problems. In many cases, a bad proposal will just end up being a funny story for you guys to tell in the years to come. But it is possible for a bad proposal to serve as a genuine warning sign that you should take seriously. For example: If you’ve spoken many times about how you love classic proposals—e.g., presenting a diamond ring on bended knee—and they didn’t do any of that, do they really know you as well as you thought they did? If they know how terrified you get being the center of attention and they proposed during a hockey game because it “sounded cool,” do they really take your feelings into consideration? If they asked for your parents’ blessing when you specifically requested they not do that, do they truly respect your beliefs and opinions?
Take the wedding planning into your own hands—with their input. If you didn’t get the proposal you wanted, take the lead in making sure that you get the wedding you’ve always wanted. That said, don’t use your partner’s bad proposal as an excuse to completely shut them out of the wedding planning. Instead, show empathy, respect for their opinions, honest communication, and a willingness to compromise—which are all vital qualities in a successful marriage. Planning the wedding might also give you a newfound respect for how challenging and pressure-packed it was for your partner to try to plan a perfect proposal.
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