Building a Healthy Relationship
Spend time getting to know each other before you become exclusive. Although you can sometimes get a good feel for a person right away, it takes time to truly discover who they are deep down. Spend as much time together as you can, and ask questions that go deeper than just the standard small talk. They don't all have to be serious questions, though—you can learn a lot about someone by asking about their interests, favorite memories, and plans for the future. For instance, you might ask questions like, "What's your favorite place you've ever travelled?" or "What's the best birthday present you ever got?" The exact timeline for this will vary for each couple. For instance, you might go on 2-3 dates before you agree that you'd like to stop seeing other people, or you might both feel strongly about starting a relationship after a long evening together. However, in some cases, you might wait much longer, especially if one of you has trouble opening up.
Focus on being the best version of yourself. When you're in a relationship, it can sometimes be easy to devote all of your time and attention to the other person. However, if you want to create a healthy, long-lasting relationship, the best thing you can do is to keep pursuing your own goals and interests. Not only will your man see you as a strong, independent person, but you'll feel more secure in the relationship if you know that you'd be able to take care of yourself if it ended. Impress him by inviting him to see what you are really good at. For instance, if you have an artistic talent, invite him to see you play music or see your art in a gallery. If you have a great sense of fashion, make plans to attend an event where you can dress up. Being with you should make him want to be a better person. Keep doing all of the impressive things about you that make you an incredible human being.
Talk about your core values. You and your guy don't have to like all of the same things—you can have a healthy relationship even if you like different music, hobbies, or foods. However, if you have strong opposing beliefs about major issues, it can put a severe strain on the future of the relationship. Once it seems like things are getting serious, talk about your goal, plans and lifestyle to see how well everything matches up. For instance, you might ask questions like: What are your thoughts on marriage? Do you want to have children? What are your religious beliefs? How do you handle your finances?
Handle conflict and stress with respect and patience. Relationships get hard sometimes, and nearly everyone disagrees once in awhile. When the two of you run into trouble, address it calmly and head on. Avoid yelling, calling each other names, or putting each other down. Instead, work together to find a solution, apologize when you need to, and try to find ways to restore your connection after the conflict has ended. Make him feel safe to address a conflict with you and not fear that you will hold it against him. Don't tear him down or attack him for expressing his thoughts. If a disagreement does arise, be open to having a conversation about it, rather than insisting that you are right. If he yells at you, belittles you, calls you names, hits you, or slams objects hard enough to frighten you, that's abuse. Get to a safe place, like around friends and family, and end the relationship. You can also call a helpline for domestic abuse if you don't have anyone to talk to. For instance, in the US, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Make time for both of you to do things independently. In a healthy relationship, you should spend plenty of time together, but you should also take a little time apart once in awhile. That way, you can each pursue things the other person might not be interested in. In addition, it will give you a chance to miss each other, and you'll have something new to talk about when you get back together! For instance, you might have one night a month where you each go out with your friends, or you might prefer to go for a run whenever he goes to the gym.
Set healthy boundaries. Have open conversations about what you expect from your partner, as well as what kinds of things aren't ok for you. Listen carefully to what your partner has to say about his boundaries, as well. This can be valuable insight into whether or not the two of you will be compatible in the long run. For instance, once you decide to become exclusive, you might let him know that you would find it inappropriate for him to flirt with other people, and that cheating would mean the end of the relationship. Be sure to stick to your principles—if someone disrespects your boundaries, they're likely to continue doing so, especially if they feel there aren't any consequences for it.
Keep the flame alive. Once the initial romance begins to fade and the two of you become more comfortable together, look for ways to keep things interesting. Don't become so comfortable in the relationship that you forget to show affection and have fun together. For instance, put your phone down and focus on him when you are spending time together. Keep planning dates and doing activities together which you both enjoy. EXPERT TIP Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC Marriage & Family Therapist Our Expert Agrees: If you're looking for ways to keep the romance alive in your relationship, try things like preparing dinner for your partner after a long day. Also, try texting and calling them just to say 'I love you.'
Making Him Feel Loved
Listen to him. If you want a guy to feel like you're his soulmate, he has to feel like he can talk to you about anything that's on his mind. This means he should be able to talk to you about anything from venting about a mundane day at work to opening up to you about serious issues. Let him know that you're genuinely interested in what he has to say, and practice active listening so that he knows you are hearing and understanding him. For instance, smile and nod as he is speaking to acknowledge that you are hearing him and encourage him to continue talking, and focus on what he is saying instead of how you are going to respond. Repeat what he has said back to him using phrases like, "What I hear you saying, is..."
Laugh with him, but don’t laugh at him. While you certainly can laugh at his amazing sense of humor, this should make him feel smart and funny. Never tear him down or belittle him, but show support and respect. It's fine to playfully tease each other once in awhile, but avoid making jokes about anything that he's really sensitive about. This will wear down his self-esteem, and it could make him leave the relationship.
Be supportive of him. Make sure you let your guy know that you are his biggest fan. Encourage him to spend time following his passions and dreams, and celebrate his successes. In addition, be a shoulder he can lean on during any hard times that he goes through. If you prove you are there for him, you will be the one he turns to and the one he wants to share these life events with. Remember, it's important that you feel like he supports you, as well. Otherwise, you could begin to resent that you're putting in more effort than he is, which could lead to problems later on.
Become friends with his friends. When you meet your guy's friends, be open and friendly, and show a genuine interest in getting to know them. They obviously have some qualities if your guy likes them, and winning them over could make your guy more likely to see you as a long-term partner. Don't insist on tagging along every time the guys hang out, but do look for opportunities to get to know them. For instance, if he's hanging out with his friends and they invite you to come along, take them up on it! Don't be overly flirty with his friends, however—you don't want anyone to misunderstand your interest!
Appreciate him for who he is. When you find someone you really like, it's important to accept them for who they are, flaws and all. Don't try to change them—that rarely works, and it could make him resent you. Both of you may make sacrifices along the way, but none should be forced on the other person. Nobody is perfect, so expect that as you get to know your guy better, you'll discover things you don't like about him. if they have any qualities that are a deal-breaker, it's probably best to just find someone else who will be a better match for you.
Don't be jealous. Sometimes your guy may want to spend time with his friends without you. Try not to spend the whole time worrying about what he's doing and who he's with—it's important to trust the person that you're dating. Give him the freedom to have outside friendships, and use that time to hang out with your own friends. In some cases, a feeling of jealousy is a red flag that indicates you don't really trust the person you're with. Ask yourself if these thoughts and feelings are justified. If they are, you're probably not in a healthy relationship, and you should consider leaving.
Include him in your plans for the future. When you're talking about things you want to accomplish one day, casually drop him into the picture. That will let him know that you see having him around for a long time, which could make him feel more secure in the relationship. In addition, you can gauge his reaction to see whether he's thinking about being with you in the long-term, too. For instance, if you're talking about places you might like to visit one day, you could say, "Maybe every year we could take turns choose a place to travel to! I've always wanted to go to Mexico City. Where would you pick?" If he seems noncommital, take a step back and re-evaluate whether he seems really invested in the relationship.
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