Examining the Circumstances
Question your reasons for making contact. Reuniting with long-lost relatives can be an emotional experience—one in which you can’t predict the outcome. Before you make contact, it’s important to clarify your rationale for wanting to connect. Do you simply want them to know that you exist? Are you suffering from a terminal illness and seeking closure? Do you lack other family or a solid support system? Has a parent or grandparent recently passed away, prompting this sudden interest? Think long and hard about why you want to do this beforehand. Always keep in the forefront of your mind that this has all been hidden for quite a while, and the door might not be open!
Weigh possible negative consequences. It’s also a good idea to anticipate how you expect them to react. Of course, you don’t know them, but perhaps recounting the details of why you were separated in the first place can help you determine how a possible reunion would play out. For example, if you were the secret love child of a married man, your introduction to half-siblings might lead to everyone finding out about an instance of infidelity. If your half-siblings are from a wealthy background, they might distrust your motives, assuming you want something from them. In addition, if your half-siblings are young and your biological parent is still married, it may be very upsetting for them to learn that their parent’s marriage consisted of this betrayal.
Get the advice of your parents, if possible. If either of your parents is alive or in your life, talking to them may assist with your decision-making. They may not approve of your desire to connect with your half-siblings, or they may have some insights about your relatives that haven’t been previously shared. Choose a time when everyone is feeling relaxed, present, and free of distractions and approach the subject. Bring up the topic by saying, “Mom/Dad, I have been thinking about my half-siblings a lot lately. As I grow older, I have a desire to get to know them. What do you think about that?" Be prepared for the possibility that your parent also might not want to open it up.
Choosing How to Reach Out
Ask your parents for assistance. In addition to seeing what your parent's opinion might be about the contact, you might also request their help in making a connection. Talk to the parent with whom you and your half-siblings are both related. Ask your mom or dad if they are willing to assist you in reaching out to your siblings. You might say, "I'd like to get to know my half-siblings. Will you help me find them and/or make contact?"
Find a liaison. If you live in the same town or region as your half-siblings or have mutual acquaintances, it might help to have an ally helping you make contact. Reach out to a relative or family friend to act as a liaison. This person can cushion the blow once your half-siblings receive news of a sibling they never knew about. What’s more, this person can also serve as a source of support for you if the response isn’t what you hoped. Ask this person to contact your half-siblings on your behalf. You might say, “Could you please reach out to Harry and Beth for me? If they are interested, I’d love to talk to them. Here’s my number…”
Message them on social media. Social media has made the world so much smaller. People who currently live across the globe are accessible with the click of a cursor. If you can find your half-siblings on Facebook, you may be able to send a friend request, asking them to connect with you. Keep your initial contact brief. You might say, “Hi, I’m from the Bay area, too! I think we might know some of the same people.”
Send an email. If you can locate the full names of your half-siblings, you might be able to find a personal or work email account listed for them. Sometimes, people often have their email addresses connected to their social media profiles. You might find this information there. An email is a more formal way to reach out to your half-siblings. Because you can type a longer message without seeming like a weirdo, you will have a greater opportunity to introduce yourself and explain the circumstances of your relationship with them. In your note, be sensitive to their reaction since they do not know you exist. Keep your words positive and enthusiastic, but avoid assuming they want to have a relationship with you. "I know this may come as a surprise to you, but we have the same father. I've known this for many years. However, I was recently diagnosed with cancer and it gave me the desire to know you." Briefly explaining the connection and your reasons for reaching out may be a good start.
Dealing with Possible Rejection
Decide if you should be persistent or give up. There’s a thin line between showing your interest and intruding. It’s important to navigate this process tactfully to avoid causing undue emotional stress to your half-siblings or yourself. If your initial contact is met with silence, should you keep trying or throw in the towel? It may be smart to make several attempts just in case previous messages or emails were lost or went to a spam folder. However, if you don’t receive a reply after a few tries, this might be a sign that your half-siblings aren’t interested in meeting you. Even if they do seem interested initially, there’s still a possibility that the connection could fall flat. Try not to read too much into their interest early on to prevent feeling overly disappointed when they suddenly stop returning messages or calls.
Feel your feelings, but don’t take rejection personally. You made a brave decision to reach out to your half-siblings who don’t know you. You had no idea how you would be received, but you still took the initiative. It’s perfectly acceptable to feel angry, hurt, or disappointed. However, don’t allow these feelings to make you think any less of yourself. Keep in mind that your half-siblings don’t know you. Therefore, their rejection is likely related to their fear or surprise of your existence rather than any concerns about who you are as a person. If you have loved ones who value your presence in their lives, cherish their relationships. And, tell yourself, “It’s their loss.” Keep in mind that even if they are not ready for contact now, they might be ready for contact down the road. Make sure that they have your contact information and that they know the door is still open if they want to contact you later on.
Talk to a counselor. Despite understanding that the rejection wasn’t personal, you still might be deeply affected by it. Seeing a professional during this time can help you come to terms with this loss and move on with your life. Perhaps you are an only child who just learned that you had siblings, and you’d hoped for a joyous first meeting that led to deep and lasting bonds. Or, perhaps you’ve just suffered the loss of a parent and needed someone to mourn with. Consult with a professional counselor who can help you sort through your feelings and cope with the rejection.
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