Get some space.
Time apart allows you to process your emotions. In the aftermath of an affair, it's usually best to wait a few days to sort through your thoughts and feelings before you decide what you're going to do. Tell your partner that you can't pretend like everything is fine and you need a few days to sort through how you feel. If it's possible, arrange for one of you to stay somewhere else for a few days. If that's not an option, at least try to separate yourselves as much as possible. For example, you might have your partner move into a spare bedroom or sleep on the couch for a few nights.
Let yourself feel your feelings.
Acknowledge your feelings and accept them. Being cheated on can bring up a lot of really intense emotions and there's no one right or wrong way to feel. You might feel angry and frustrated one minute, then sad, overwhelmed, or even guilty the next. All of those feelings are normal and understandable. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller notes that "a lot of emotions are happening at once... There's a lot of grief that goes on once you find out that your partner has cheated. There's a lot of anger, clearly there's some sadness." If you're feeling sad, go ahead and cry it out rather than trying to put on a brave face. Just tell yourself, "I'm feeling really hurt and betrayed and there's nothing wrong with me feeling that way." When you feel angry, look for healthy ways to let that anger out. For example, you might write a letter to your partner (you don't have to give it to them). You could also go for a run or go out in the woods somewhere and scream. Take slow, deep breaths if you start to feel anxious or overwhelmed. It will help you focus on your senses and bring you back into the present.
Place the blame squarely on your partner.
It's never your fault that your partner cheated. When you've been cheated on, it's easy to fall into the trap of believing that it wouldn't have happened if only you'd looked or acted in a certain way. But your partner made the decision to betray you and they are the only one who is to blame. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller agrees that this is about your partner "feeling something and they're not able to communicate that effectively to you. They were missing something." Your partner might also try to make excuses or deflect some of the blame. For example, they might claim you weren't paying them enough attention or that the two of you have been arguing a lot lately. But the truth is that none of these things justifies cheating—no matter how unhappy they were, they could've handled things differently.
Find a way to safely express your emotions.
Let your emotions out rather than keep them bottled up. Only you can know how you're most comfortable expressing your feelings—the important thing is that you allow yourself to express them in a positive and constructive way. A lot of people find it really helpful to talk to someone they trust, such as a family member, close friend, or therapist. Journaling is another really powerful way to help you process the different emotions you're feeling. You might also try expressing your feelings through art or music. At some point, you'll likely want to express your feelings to your partner as well. Only do this when you feel confident that you can talk to them without it turning into an argument. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller recommends couples counseling, which provides you with a safe "space for you to communicate openly about your relationship."
Take good care of yourself.
Prioritize calming and nourishing rituals to feel better. When you take care of yourself physically, it actually has a really big impact on how you feel emotionally. Make it a point to take a bath or shower every day, eat nutritious food, and get some exercise. In the immediate aftermath, it's okay if all you want to do is crawl into bed and binge on junk food (or skip eating entirely). Give yourself a day or two to wallow, then push yourself back into your normal routine as much as possible. Make time for things that make you feel good, such as watching your favorite show or movie, walking in your favorite park, or picking up your favorite treat from a nearby restaurant. Don't put too much pressure on yourself—it's okay if you're not quite up to your usual self at work for a few days or even a week. You'll get there! Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as drinking or recreational drugs. They might help you escape or feel better temporarily, but they'll likely make things worse in the long run.
Resist the temptation to lash out or seek revenge.
Take some time to calm down before you do something you might regret. You're hurt and angry, so it's understandable that you might want your partner to hurt as much as you do. That urge could lead you to go out and hook up with someone else or bash your partner on social media. In the long run, though, none of these things will make you feel any better—and they could make things a lot harder if you eventually decide to stay together and work on the relationship. It's also a good idea to hold off on talking to your friends about the situation—at least for a day or two until you've cooled off. The urge to trash-talk your partner can cause you to say some things that you might later realize you didn't really mean. If you think you might hurt yourself or someone else, get professional help from a doctor or therapist as soon as possible.
Lean on your support system.
Talk to friends and family members you trust. When you're feeling this hurt and betrayed, it feels good to surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart. They can support you and help you come to terms with what's happened. You'll also feel a lot less alone. It's normal to feel embarrassed or ashamed in this situation, so you only have to share as much as you're comfortable with. A true friend will have patience and understand if there are aspects of the situation you don't want to talk about. In the immediate aftermath, you might also ask the people in your support system to help you in more concrete ways, such as helping take care of your kids or pets or cooking food. Talking to a therapist is also a good idea. They can give you tools to better navigate your feelings and decide what you want to do next.
Take your time deciding what you want to do.
Make the decision that feels right to you. When you talk to friends and family, you'll likely have some who insist you should leave and others who believe you should try to work things out. Don't let anyone push you into staying or leaving—only you can make this decision. Think about why your partner cheated, the circumstances surrounding the incident, and whether you'll ever be able to trust them again. It usually takes some time for you to be able to answer those questions definitively, so have patience with yourself. For example, in the immediate aftermath, you might be sure that you're leaving because you feel so hurt and angry. But as you talk to your partner, you might start to realize that things aren't quite as cut-and-dried as you thought. Licensed therapist and certified sexual therapist Charity Danker notes that "a lot of times the person who was cheated on will try to save the relationship by becoming really affectionate... and that could be confusing to them, but it's natural, and it's a natural part of the healing process."
Rebuild trust gradually if you stay together.
Practice open, honest communication with your partner. There's no doubt that healing your relationship after something like this takes a lot of time and patience. But that doesn't mean it's impossible. If the two of you love and respect each other, you can come back stronger than ever—but it is going to take work and it's not going to happen overnight. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller notes that "you can't expect to trust your [partner] immediately after you've discovered all this and actions speak louder than words." She recommends that you "really [look] at what your partner is doing to build that trust up with you again." Ask your partner anything you need to know about their infidelity. If they're serious about rebuilding trust in the relationship they'll have no problem being completely transparent about what happened. Set strong boundaries that explicitly define the types of behavior you aren't okay with in the relationship so that your partner understands your expectations going forward. You might also ask your partner to share their phone and email passwords so that you can rebuild your confidence that they're not hiding anything else from you. Licensed clinical social worker Raffi Bilek emphasizes that it's important to "just be really transparent to help rebuild that security and trust."
Address the underlying issues.
Be honest with each other about where things went wrong. If you're going to try to move forward together, you have to start fresh by examining the root of the problem that led to the cheating. Once you've identified the issue, work together to come up with a solution that will help you feel connected again. Working with a couples counselor can help you get to the bottom of things and gain a better understanding of what you need to do to preserve your relationship. Recognize that this process isn't linear. Licensed therapist and certified sexual therapist Charity Danker notes that it's very normal to "go back and forth from this place of being angry and lashing out to [being] really open and vulnerable and wanting to hear each other out." Psychotherapist Kelli Miller emphasizes that cheating doesn't necessarily signify the end of the relationship: "Yes, it's painful, and it can signify the end but it can also be a really beautiful new beginning if you can both get honest and talk about what was missing or what was lacking and what you want changed."
End things if you don't think they'll change.
Leave if your partner isn't willing to put in any effort. Your partner might not seem genuinely sorry for what happened or might not be willing to cut off contact with the person they cheated on you with—and both of these are dealbreakers. Likewise, if they aren't willing to be completely transparent about what happened, it's going to be extremely difficult for the two of you to move on together. You might also decide to end the relationship because you just don't have the desire to put the work in yourself to make it work. If you feel as though you can never fully trust them again, it's probably time to make a clean break. Sometimes ending a relationship can feel like a personal failure or like giving up, and it's totally normal to feel that way. But if the relationship truly isn't working for you anymore, ending it is an act of self-care and shows that you respect yourself.
Take some time before you get into a new relationship.
Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem before you jump into a rebound. If you end your relationship because of the cheating, it's going to take a while for you to feel as though you can trust someone. Projecting your fears and insecurities on someone new is likely to push them away. Instead, set goals for yourself and get to work building a happy and fulfilling life on your own before you start looking for someone to share it with. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller notes that "to gain more self-esteem, [you need to] do esteemable acts." She suggests finding activities, such as volunteering, that make you feel good about yourself. Miller also emphasizes that "while you're going through this, this is an inside job that you're going to have to do on your own as far as validating yourself to feel good again." When you do start dating again, make sure you give potential new partners a chance to prove that they're trustworthy. Don't commit if you believe they're just going to cheat on you like your last partner did.
Forgive your partner.
Think of cheating as a reaction to something happening inside your partner. While there may have been problems in your relationship, someone's motivation for cheating is usually a lot more complex. Often, it relates to something the person was going through internally and has nothing to do with you. Once you realize this, you'll find it easier to move on. To truly forgive your partner, you have to be willing to let go of the anger and resentment you feel for them. Try to do this regardless of whether the two of you have decided to stay together or to call it quits. For licensed therapist and certified sexual therapist Charity Danker, the process starts with acceptance, "and that acceptance can either be, I accept you and I'm going to stay with you or I accept that this happened [and] I'm going to choose to move on. But either way, there's got to be that acceptance there." It's okay if it takes you some time to do this. That's totally normal—take all the time you need to see them as a flawed human and not a monster who just set out to hurt you. Forgiveness is also important for you because, without it, you'll likely have difficulty trusting anyone else. At the least, you'll be afraid to be vulnerable, which is necessary if you want to have a healthy relationship again.
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