- Emotional investment happens when you focus emotional energy on something you find fulfilling and hope for happiness in return.
- Become emotionally invested in a relationship by sharing your feelings openly and showing curiosity about your partner's ideas and interests.
- Display healthy emotional investment by respecting your partner's boundaries and ensuring they feel accepted and valued.
What does it mean to be emotionally invested?
You focus your emotional energy on something that's fulfilling for you. Think in terms of the financial metaphor. When you invest in something, you hope that it'll pay you back in the future—you're looking for a return on your investment. Emotional investment is the same thing, except that you're investing your emotions rather than money and hoping the thing you invest in will return your investment in the future in ways that are emotionally fulfilling for you. For example, if you're emotionally invested in a relationship, that means that you're counting on that relationship being something that will fulfill, support, and uplift you—now and in the future. Contrast being emotionally invested with being an emotional spender. When you spend emotional energy without getting anything in return, you might feel good for a moment, but in the longer term, you'll just feel drained.
Emotional investment is not the same as merely liking someone. When you like someone and you're interested in them, you display a curiosity about them. You want to get to know them better. But you're not emotionally invested because you're still at the point where any conflict or negative emotions could totally change things. When you're not emotionally invested, you're willing to cut ties at the first sign of a "dealbreaker." For example, things are going great until the person lies to you. Even though the lie itself wasn't a big deal, lying to you is a dealbreaker and you don't hesitate to cut them out of your life.
You can be emotionally invested in things as well as people. Some people are emotionally invested in their jobs—they view what they do as a huge part of their identity and might feel as though they're lost if they're not working. You could be emotionally invested in hobbies or other activities as well. Being emotionally invested in your job isn't necessarily a good thing. If you get too attached to your work, you can become inflexible and unwilling to accept criticism. A lot of people become emotionally invested in a TV series, book series, or movie franchise. They might go to conventions, consider themselves part of a fandom, and talk about the series often. Bottom line: anything you view as a huge part of your identity is likely something you're emotionally invested in to some extent.
Becoming Emotionally Invested
Make sure you're both ready for an emotional investment. A committed relationship takes work, even if the two of you are super well-suited and get along great. To make sure you're really ready for this, ask yourself the following questions: Are you ready to emotionally invest in this person? Be honest with yourself when assessing whether you're ready to make this kind of commitment. Is this person ready to emotionally invest in you to an equal extent? Talk to them to determine if both of you are really on the same page. Will you have to drastically change your life to be with this person? If they're asking you to sacrifice a lot to be with them, this might not be the best relationship for you. Do you really trust this person? Trust takes time to build, but if they're already lying to you or hiding things from you, they might not deserve your emotional investment. Are you happy and fulfilled in your life? Before you can love someone else, you need to love yourself and feel whole and complete. Avoid using someone else to fill a void in your life that you should be filling all on your own with self-love and self-care.
Share your feelings with your partner. You increase your emotional bond with your partner when you feel free to share your feelings with them and know they'll listen and respond in a productive way. If you're worried about what they'll say or do if you share your feelings, you can't become truly emotionally attached. For example, if you're upset about something, you don't hesitate to talk to your partner about it. When they listen to you and validate your feelings, you feel a stronger emotional connection to them. Let your partner know when something pleases you or makes you happy as well. If they're also emotionally invested, they'll want to do more to ensure that the relationship continues to affect you in a positive way.
Ask questions and show interest in your partner. As you become more emotionally invested in your partner, you'll want to learn everything about them. You'll be genuinely interested in their thoughts and interests because you want to get to know them better as a person. For example, if your partner mentions they like a particular food or style of music that you don't like, you might ask questions to better understand why they like it rather than shutting down the conversation by saying you don't like it. Asking your partner open-ended questions allows them to talk about their thoughts and feelings, which helps build a stronger and deeper bond between the two of you.
Let your partner do things for you. You can't develop a strong emotional bond without a willingness to be vulnerable. Admitting when you need help and accepting that help from your partner helps the two of you build a healthy relationship that's securely attached. For example, if you're going up for a promotion at work and need emotional support, ask your partner. They'll help calm your anxieties and reassure you that you're the best person for the job.
Express gratitude to your partner. You build mutual emotional investment when you let your partner know that you're grateful for everything they bring to your life. This doesn't just include things they do for you, but the value they contribute simply by existing and caring for you. When you openly express your gratitude, they're assured that you're not taking them for granted. Recognize that the things your partner does come from a place of wanting you to be in their life. If you want to be in their life as well, you're naturally going to be grateful that they're putting in the effort. If you don't have anything specific, a simple "thank you for being you" lets them know that you're grateful they're in your life.
Acknowledge your partner's efforts. Everyone wants to be seen and heard in a relationship. Build up a strong emotional investment in your partner and your relationship with them by letting them know that you see the things they're doing and appreciate them. This applies both to big things and to simple little things that often go unnoticed. For example, you might let your partner know that you see the efforts they've been making to keep the house clean while you're busy with an important work or school project. If your partner is struggling with something, letting them vent to you is another way to ensure that they feel more heard and understood.
Set healthy boundaries and respect those of your partner. While the idea of a boundary might sound like you're keeping your partner out, it's actually the opposite. When you set boundaries, you're communicating clearly to your partner what bothers you—and giving them the opportunity to stop doing something that has the potential to damage the relationship. For example, if your partner wants to have a heavy discussion over dinner, you might say, "I'd prefer if we waited until after we eat to discuss this so I can give you my full attention." Respecting your partner's boundaries demonstrates your emotional investment in the relationship as well. You're not insisting on doing things your way. Rather, you're taking their needs into consideration.
Signs You're Emotionally Invested
You feel safe and comfortable expressing how you feel. Being emotionally invested means you and your partner both feel as though all of your emotions are being invested in the same "bank." If something's going on that makes you feel upset or uneasy, you let your partner know so they can help. You don't just assume that they can read your mind and know how you're feeling without you saying anything. This level of emotional investment takes time to build. Share awkward or uncomfortable moments openly with your partner. If they respond in a kind and loving way, you'll feel safer the next time something comes up.
You respect your partner's boundaries. Being emotionally invested means that you feel your partner's emotions as well as your own. You don't want to do anything to hurt or upset your partner, so you ensure that boundaries are communicated clearly. When you unintentionally do something that crosses the line, you take responsibility for your own actions and apologize sincerely. For example, if your partner is upset that you said you were going to do something and then didn't do it, you might say, "I'm sorry. You're absolutely right—I promised to do the dishes and then I didn't do them. I'll do them immediately."
You maintain curiosity and continue to grow with your partner. When you decide you already know everything there is to know about your partner, the two of you can cease growing together and start to grow apart. You know you're emotionally invested if you never assume that you already know everything about your partner and instead ask questions and seek out new information about what they're thinking and doing. Just think about how much your opinions and interests have changed in the past 5 to 10 years—perhaps even in the past 5 to 10 months! Your partner is the same. Staying just as curious about your partner as you were when you first started dating helps expand your level of emotional investment and the depth of your attachment to each other.
You and your partner both feel accepted and valued. Knowing someone loves you is not the same as feeling loved. When you're emotionally invested in your relationship, your partner not only knows that you love them, but they feel loved and adored every day because they know you accept them for who they are. For example, when you show up for your partner and support them—even if they don't explicitly ask you to—they feel like you value them no matter what.
You resolve conflicts in a healthy way when they arise. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship and every couple resolves conflicts in slightly different ways. But when the two of you are mutually emotionally invested in your relationship, you look for productive ways to seek compromise and find resolutions that strengthen you as a couple. You and your partner both look at each other as members of the same team. You're not looking at a disagreement as a fight. You're not competitors and neither of you feels like you have to win or be right all the time.
Fixing an Investment Imbalance
Talk to your partner about your feelings. It can be really tough to come to the realization that you're more emotionally invested in the relationship than your partner is (or vice versa). Clearing the air is beneficial for both of you and demonstrates the success you have, both for your partner and for your relationship. It's usually best here to set aside a time when the two of you can speak privately in person without distractions. This allows you to communicate openly and honestly.
Use "I" statements to communicate your relationship needs. Starting with "I" and discussing your feelings puts the focus on you. Your partner won't be on the defensive or feel like you're attacking them because you're only looking at how the situation affects you or what you think or feel about it. Instead, they'll understand what you need in a relationship and can assess if they're able to provide that. For example, you might say, "I feel sad and lonely when you go out with your friends and never check in on me. I like when you text me every so often because it tells me you're still thinking about me even though we're apart." Keep in mind that you can't expect one person to fulfill all of your wants and needs for you. If there's something that your partner is unwilling or unable to provide, it's up to the two of you to decide if that's a dealbreaker or not.
Invest in yourself first and your partner second. Putting your partner first and ordering your whole life around them is a sign of unhealthy emotional investment. When you're putting too much emotional energy into a relationship, it's time to start providing for some of your emotional needs on your own. For example, you might meditate or practice yoga to calm your nerves and reduce your anxiety. Joining a club or picking up a new hobby are other ways to invest in yourself. When you try to merge yourself with your partner, you put a lot of pressure on them because your expectations of them are unreasonably high. Focusing on yourself gives the relationship space to reset.
Lean on your friends for advice and support. If you're more emotionally invested in a relationship than your partner, your friends can help you be more objective. They're looking from the outside in and can likely see potential issues before you do. This also works in other contexts, such as if you're trying to make a work-related decision and find you're too emotionally invested to be objective. You don't have to go into too much detail or reveal anything your partner told you in confidence. Just tell your friends that you feel as though your relationship is imbalanced and want to know if they've noticed that anything seems off.
Take a break if you need to get your feelings under control. If you've found yourself getting way too emotionally invested in your partner relatively quickly and they're just not there yet, it might be time to take a step back. The break doesn't have to be forever, but going no-contact with them for at least a week will allow your feelings to settle down. Taking a break can also help you reassess the relationship more calmly. Once things have cooled a bit, you can determine if you want to continue the relationship or move on. The length of your break depends on your particular circumstances, including the length and depth of your relationship. If you've only been seeing the person for a couple of months, a week or two is usually enough to clear your head.
Consider couples therapy if you're in a long-term relationship. How damaging is it to be in a relationship where one of you is more emotionally invested than the other? It depends on how long you've been in a relationship. If you've been together for years, it's a rift that can likely be healed if you're both willing to put in the work. For this to work, both of you have to see the imbalance as a problem that you're interested in fixing. If one of you has already checked out of the relationship and isn't willing to put in the effort, it's probably time to call it quits.
End the relationship if it's ultimately unfulfilling. Ending a relationship is never fun, especially if you've been together for a while. But continuing to sink more emotional investment into a relationship that's not giving you anything back will just lead to more pain. Sometimes, cutting things off before they get too bad is the best path to take. As long as both of you are open and honest with each other, you might find a path toward healing the relationship after you've taken some time apart.
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