8 Possible Causes of Codependency

• Codependency is a type of behavior where one person persistently prioritizes someone else’s needs, often by neglecting their own wants and needs.
• People often become codependent due to dysfunctional family dynamics, abuse, or from having an anxious attachment style.
• Someone who is codependent will often have low self-esteem, easily comply with other people’s wishes, or be controlling of someone else’s thoughts and behaviors.

What is codependency?

Codependency is a behavior that causes a person to overly prioritize another’s needs. Someone who is codependent often feels a great sense of responsibility to protect and satisfy another person, and they’ll often neglect their own needs in order to do so. Codependency can exist between family members, friends, or romantic partners. In many cases, a person will become codependent due to past traumatic or dysfunctional relationships, and it’s common for many to bring their codependent behaviors into new relationships. Codependency is a term that was originally used to refer to a relationship where one person enabled their partner, friend, or family member’s addiction by covering up the problem or shielding them from any negative consequences. Now, codependency refers to other kinds of relationship dynamics as well, such as dysfunctional romantic or familial relationships.

Causes of Codependency

Overprotective or controlling parents When a child grows up in a home with parents who are extremely overprotective or very controlling of their life, they may end up having a hard time learning to establish healthy boundaries and saying no. This especially may be the case in enmeshed families where parents tend to be overinvolved in their child’s life and usually end up crossing many physical and/or emotional boundaries. As a person grows up in this kind of environment, they, unfortunately, might face difficulties setting boundaries with their future partner or friends, and they may look to the other people in their life to help them create a sense of self-worth instead of turning toward their own thoughts and feelings.

A family member who has an addiction When someone grows up in a household that is affected by some sort of addiction, such as drugs or alcohol, they may find themselves placed in the difficult situation of having to become the caregiver for their parent or another family member at a very early age. They may have to sacrifice their own wants and needs in order to take care of the other person, which can lead to the self-sacrificing behaviors that are often seen in codependent relationships. Understandably, it can be extremely hard for a child to deal with another family member’s addiction, and they may end up unconsciously enabling the other person in order to preserve their relationship and keep their family together.

Physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse Abuse of any nature can be very traumatic, and sometimes this trauma transforms into codependent behaviors as a person grows up. For example, someone who has suffered emotional abuse and has constantly been told they aren’t enough may develop a strong desire to be needed within their future relationships, even if it comes at the expense of their own happiness. Another example would be if a person grew up being physically or sexually abused but never had their pain acknowledged. It’s not uncommon that such an experience would cause a person to repress their emotions and keep their problems to themselves, and they might continue to hide or deny their true feelings even in their future relationships. Or, a child whose parents blame their issues on them may become obsessed with making sure that others are happy and satisfied so that they can get rid of any feelings of guilt.

Family members with a chronic physical and/or mental disorder If a child grows up in a household where they constantly have to take care of a parent or another family member suffering from a physical or mental illness, it’s not uncommon for some to develop self-sacrificing behaviors. To them, it might become the norm to push aside their own needs in order to make sure their family member is okay. This habit of putting themselves second may stay with them, and they might go on to be just as self-sacrificing with future friends or partners. For example, maybe a teenager will forgo spending time with their friends in order to take care of their sick parent. Or, a person could choose to go to a community college instead of an out-of-state university in order to be able to live at home in case anything happens.

Neglectful parents Not receiving the proper care and affection from a parent can unfortunately cause a child to develop a very low sense of self-esteem, which can stick with them for a long time. They may come to view themselves as unworthy of other people’s concern or care and may instead do whatever they can to please others, which is a large sign of codependency. Similarly, a parent who abandons their child can cause the child to develop a fear of abandonment in future relationships, such as by a partner or close friend.

Having an anxious attachment style When a parent, partner, or friend constantly fluctuates between being caring and being neglectful, it can cause a person to develop an anxious attachment style. This kind of anxiety can cause a person to overly fixate on pleasing others in order to avoid being abandoned and maintain a sense of peace. It’s possible that they may also overreact to things they view as potential threats to their relationship. For example, a person might panic when their partner tells them that they’re going away on a trip with friends because they interpret that to mean their partner is leaving them for good.

Overly-critical family members A child that grows up constantly being judged by their parents over every little decision they make is likely to have very low self-esteem and may focus more on pleasing others instead of doing what they actually enjoy. Low self-esteem is one of the largest causes and signs of codependency, so growing up in an overly-judgemental household can put a person at risk of becoming codependent later in life.

Lacking a sense of self When a person lacks a unique sense of self, they begin to determine their self-worth and value based on their relationships and other people. Instead of pursuing their own interests, opinions, and hobbies, they tend to simply adopt whatever interests their family, friend, or partner has. Lacking this definitive sense of self is something that can unfortunately lead to a person developing codependent behaviors, such as being overly compliant. For example, a parent may have specific expectations for their child when it comes to what kind of career they should pursue. If someone grows up constantly being told what path they’re supposed to follow, they might not try to venture out and find their own unique interests and pursue a career they genuinely love. Another example would be if someone’s friends, family, or partner are always making decisions for them. This could be small things, such as where they’re going to eat or what they’re going to do on a Friday night. Unfortunately, as others keep making decisions on behalf of another person, that person’s sense of self may slowly begin to fade.

Signs of Codependency​​

Denying feelings Someone who is codependent often will not acknowledge their own feelings, wants, or needs because they’re putting all of their focus on satisfying another person’s needs. They may have difficulty identifying and understanding their feelings, or they might try to convince themselves that they’re fine and don’t need anything even when they aren’t okay. For example, if their partner shows up late to an important event, a codependent person might not want to acknowledge the disappointment and frustration they feel towards their partner. Instead, they might put more effort into trying to justify why their partner was late.

Low self-esteem A codependent often has trouble making decisions and asserting their own opinions due to low feelings of self-worth. They might constantly seek approval and praise from others and may feel that their self-worth is dependent on what others think of them. They may also be overly critical of themselves and persistently think that what they do and think is never good enough. For example, when their partner is angry, a codependent person might automatically blame themself even if the situation is totally unrelated to them.

Compliance Codependents often sacrifice their own wants and needs in order to keep others happy. They might place more value on others’ opinions and feelings instead of their own, and they may be afraid to express anything that goes against others’ opinions. It’s possible that they may even compromise their own values in order to avoid conflict. An example would be when a codependent person goes along with their friend’s political views, even though what their friend says goes directly against their own beliefs and values. Or, a codependent person might readily agree to take a trip with their friends even though they can’t really afford to travel at the moment. However, making sure their friends are happy might be more of a priority than their own situation.

Need for control Someone who is codependent often feels a strong need to care for and protect another person, and this can lead to some codependents becoming very controlling. For example, they may attempt to control what another person thinks, feels, or does because they think the person is incapable of taking care of themself. They may also be fixated on controlling others in order to stop future conflicts from arising. For example, a person may become obsessed with their partner’s habit of sleeping in late and constantly nag them about waking up earlier even if it isn’t harming their partner in any way. Or, a codependent might do everything in their power to get all of their friends to agree on the same thing so that they can avoid having to witness an argument break out.

Avoiding conflict If someone who is codependent is afraid of being abandoned or rejected by another person, they may go to extreme measures to avoid conflict and keep the other person happy. They may not speak honestly with their partner about their feelings or do things that they don’t want to do in order to keep the other person happy. It might be the codependent person who always apologizes first, even when they aren’t in the wrong. Or, even when a codependent person is feeling angry at their partner, friend, or family member, they might not want to voice their feelings out of the fear that it’ll escalate into a much bigger argument.

Overcoming Codependency

Set healthy boundaries. This is probably one of the most important parts of breaking away from codependency. Whether it’s with your family, friends, or partner, setting healthy boundaries is an important step in asserting yourself and prioritizing your needs. This can certainly be hard at first, so one option is to start small until you feel more confident in voicing your opinions. Start by saying “no” to small things. For example, say something like, “I don’t want to order Chinese food. Let’s get tacos” or “No, I don’t want to go out tonight. I’d rather just stay in.” Some examples of boundaries include: Physical boundaries: Respecting personal space, placing limits on physical touch, etc. Sexual boundaries: Respecting choices about types of sexual activities, limiting public displays of affection, etc. Intellectual boundaries: Being open-minded and respectful about each person’s beliefs, opinions, goals, etc.

Focus on hobbies and work that you enjoy. Figuring out what you like and pursuing it is a big part of shedding codependence. Instead of building your sense of self off of what others choose for you, start making your own choices and discovering your true passions. After all, the world is full of possibilities. Ask yourself what hobbies you enjoy doing, what your interests are, and what type of work you find meaning in. Then, make an effort to invest more of your time and energy in pursuing the things that genuinely make you happy. If you think you’re in a codependent relationship, make a list of your interests and your partner’s interests. If you notice a lot of overlap, ask yourself if you actually enjoy the hobbies and interests your partner has. If not, it might be time to branch out on your own. When your desires differ from your partner’s, friend’s, or family member’s, work to compromise with them to find things you can both equally enjoy. Start with small things, like what TV show to watch, where to eat dinner, or what to do over the weekend.

Take some time to be by yourself. Remind yourself that it’s not necessarily selfish to want to take a bit of time to be alone. Spending some time by yourself can be a great opportunity to reflect on your thoughts and feelings or simply recharge. Write in a journal, take a walk, or even go on a solo trip and get away for a bit. Do what you need to do to feel fulfilled and truly satisfied.

Challenge any anxious or negative thoughts you’re having. Unfortunately, codependency can bring about a lot of anxious thoughts, such as the fear that someone might leave or be angry at you. When you’re feeling anxious or thinking negatively about yourself, stop and ask yourself things like, “Is there any logical reason why I should be thinking this?” “What are the chances that my fears will come true?” and, “Is this situation even within my control?” In many cases, you might find that your anxious or negative thoughts aren’t actually backed up by any evidence, and there may be no reason for you to worry. For example, if you’re feeling anxious because you think your partner is angry at you, think about if you actually did anything to warrant their anger. It might be that it’s completely unrelated to you. Make an effort to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. For example, instead of saying, “If I say no, then I’m a bad friend,” tell yourself, “It’s okay to say no. If anything, it’ll help my friend better understand my perspective.”

Talk to a therapist. If you find that you’re having trouble breaking any of your codependent habits or setting boundaries for yourself, it might help to talk to a therapist and get their opinion and advice on the matter. They can help you work through your thoughts and feelings and may recommend exercises or methods to help you shed codependent behaviors. Use a site like betterhelp.com to find licensed therapists near you. It might also help to join a support group such as Co-Dependents Anonymous. Here, you’ll be able to share your story with others who are going through a similar experience and provide support for one another.

Helping Someone Who is Codependent

Acknowledge how you may be influencing them. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if any of your habits are enabling the other person’s codependent habits. For example, maybe you don’t ask for their opinion as much as you should, so they feel they have to comply with what you want. Once you’ve identified your own habits and behaviors, make a conscious effort to fix them. For example, instead of assuming that the other person will speak up if they have something to say, directly ask them, “What do you think?” or “What do you want to do?” to help them understand that you value their input.

Talk with them honestly about their codependent behavior. They might get defensive, but if their behavior is making you uncomfortable or frustrated, it’s best to let them know. Be sure to use “I” statements when talking about your feelings to avoid accidentally putting the blame on them. For example, say something like, “I feel frustrated when you plan out my day,” instead of, “You’re always trying to control me.” Be an active listener when they open up to you. Get rid of any distractions and give them your full attention, don’t interrupt as they’re speaking, and ask questions to make sure you’re understanding everything clearly.

Set boundaries that will benefit both you and the codependent. For example, if they’re overly controlling of your finances, set a boundary that says you’re each responsible for your own personal finances. If you’re concerned that they’re giving up their own hobbies and interests for your sake, make a rule that you should both spend a certain amount of time each week doing what you like. Be firm about your boundaries, and don’t be afraid to gently remind them when they’re ignoring these boundaries.

Encourage them to be independent. When the other person shows interest in starting a new hobby, pursuing a job they really want, or even spending some time by themselves, do your best to encourage them to take those chances. Gently motivate them to spend time with their own friends and family and be there to support them if they need help. For example, if your partner has shown interest in doing art, buy them some art supplies to show them that you fully support them.

Take a break away from each other. If the other person’s codependent behaviors begin to become too much for you, don’t be afraid to suggest taking a break from your relationship for a bit and request some alone time. It’s possible that the other person may feel anxious at the idea of being separated, so be sure to reassure them that you’re not leaving, but simply need some time to recharge. This might also be just what the other person needs to sort through their own feelings and thoughts.

Consider couples or family therapy. Attending couples counseling or going to family therapy might be just what you need to help a codependent partner or family member. A therapist might be able to help you both navigate the other person’s codependent behaviors and help you to set boundaries in a healthy manner.

Codependent vs. Interdependent Relationships

Interdependent relationships prioritize independence. In an interdependent relationship, each person’s independence and individuality are just as, if not more, important than their relationship. For example, partners in an interdependent relationship are often comfortable with taking time to themselves and being separated from one another for a while. On the other hand, someone who is codependent might feel guilty or anxious when they’re away from their partner or do something for themselves. A very important part of building an interdependent relationship is allowing both partners to continue to prioritize their goals and interests.

People in interdependent relationships can express their honest feelings. An important feature of an interdependent relationship is clear communication. Partners usually aren’t afraid to be honest with one another and talk about any issues that come up. On the other hand, someone who is codependent may want to avoid conflict at all costs in order to keep their partner happy. For example, someone in an interdependent relationship will likely not have any issue telling their partner exactly what they want in their relationship. They may say something like, “I would really like it if you were more physically affectionate because it makes me feel loved.”

Compromise is a big part of interdependent relationships. Instead of one person automatically agreeing with their partner and pushing aside their own wants, people in an interdependent relationship are often willing to find a way that benefits both partners. For example, instead of one person just automatically deciding what they’re going to do that day, they might both give ideas and pick something that is fun for both of them.

Interdependent partners respect each other’s boundaries. In a codependent relationship, one person might sacrifice their boundaries or simply not set any in order to keep their partner happy. However, people in an interdependent relationship are often good at establishing boundaries and respecting each other’s boundaries. For example, someone in an interdependent relationship is likely comfortable with telling their partner “no” when they do something that makes them uncomfortable.