How to Cope after Losing a Grandparent
Take your time as you grieve. On some days, you might have the energy to go about your routine; on others, you might feel totally overwhelmed and exhausted. During this difficult time, it might be easier to take life day by day rather than looking to the weeks and months ahead. Grief is an incredibly individualistic experience. You might be processing your feelings differently than your other family members—and that’s totally okay!
Give yourself permission to cry and feel your emotions. It can be so tempting to wall off your feelings and pretend like the pain isn’t there—but denying your feelings doesn’t stop them from existing. Let yourself cry, be angry, or feel whatever emotions are prominent after the loss of your grandparent. As counterintuitive as it may seem, feeling your feelings will allow you to process and heal from them. Grief has a nasty way of making itself known in one form or another. If you deny yourself the opportunity to grieve and mourn your loss, your grief may manifest as a physical illness or some other type of condition later on. Some people expect grief to move through the 5 standard stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), but this isn’t actually true. Grief manifests differently in each and every person. You might not experience your grief in set “stages,” and that’s completely fine and valid!
Look at photos of your grandparent. Though your beloved grandparent may not have had a social media account that chronicled their life from birth until their final years, looking through a family album can help you find peace and get a better understanding of the person your grandparent was. Go through the album with a family member, who can help provide some context, and take comfort in the fact that your grandparent lived a full and rich life.
Hold onto a keepsake from your grandparent. Take a look at the gifts, photos, sweaters, books, jewelry, or other treasured keepsakes that your grandparent gave you. Don't think that you have to get rid of these items or put them out of sight to "get over" the loss of your grandparent. You can keep them near and dear to your heart and honor the memory of the person you love. If they gave you a special jacket or hoodie, wear it sometimes and think about them as you go about your day. If they gave you a painting or art print, hang it up somewhere in your bedroom and think of them whenever you look at it.
Write a note to your grandparent. After a grandparent passes, you might wish you could’ve said certain things them before they died. Writing them a letter (or even a journal entry) can be a powerful way to process your thoughts and acknowledge the feelings you’re experiencing. Dear Grandpa, I regret not being able to chat with you in the hospital before you died. I wish I could’ve told you how much I loved you and how much you meant to me. Dear Grandma, I so dearly wish we could have gone bird-watching together one last time. The birds are chirping so much today—I don’t recognize their calls, but I know you would. Dear Pop-pop, I’ll miss being able to play outside with you and watch the sunset together.
Make some type of memorial for them. Memorials can come in all shapes and sizes—you might enjoy putting together a scrapbook or making a memory box filled with photos of your grandparent, or you might like making a special flower garden in their memory. Creating a special commemoration for your grandparent can help you process and work through your grief. If you enjoy creative writing and poetry, you might like creating a memorial blog for your grandparent. If your grandparent loved the outdoors, you might commission a public bench to be made in their honor, or plant a tree in your yard to honor them. Grief therapist Ken Breniman explains that “something as simple as a daily lighting of a candle or adding flowers somewhere in the home” can be a great way to acknowledge and honor a deceased loved one.
Do activities you loved to do with your grandparent. Maybe you spent hours in the kitchen baking cookies with your grandpa, or you went to baseball games with your grandma. Try to sprinkle these activities back into your life as a way to remember and honor all the lovely memories you made with your grandparents. Look for ways to add these activities into your daily routine—this can be a great, intentional way to remember and honor your grandparent each day.
Help your community in honor of your grandparent. Maybe your grandpa was passionate about the environment, or your grandma spent a lot of time volunteering with her local soup kitchen. Look for opportunities to help your community in ways your grandparent would’ve appreciated, like: Donating to their church or favorite charity Volunteering for causes they cared about Spreading awareness on social media about issues that mattered to them
Follow a daily routine as you grieve and heal. Create a structured schedule for yourself with activities that are easy to adapt into your routine, like taking a stroll around your neighborhood. It might help to set aside time for some calming activities in your schedule, like: Listening to soothing music Meditating Enjoying nature Practicing mindfulness
Lean on your friends and loved ones for support. Your loved ones (like your parents and siblings) will likely be able to empathize with your feelings of grief and loss, as they may be experiencing similar feelings themselves. Your friends can also be a valuable part of your support system. Don’t be afraid to share how lost and confused you may be feeling in the aftermath of your grandparent’s death—putting your thoughts in words can be a powerful way to work through your grief. “I feel so angry that Grandpa died so suddenly; then, I feel guilty for feeling angry. Does that seem strange?” “I can’t escape this sense of denial that Grandma will be waiting for me when I open the door to her house.” “I feel completely lost and confused. It’s so hard for me to focus in class with everything I’m feeling right now.”
Celebrate their memory on difficult anniversaries. Grief is never easy to shoulder, but it can be especially difficult on meaningful days, like your grandparent’s birthday, special holidays, or the anniversary of their death. On these days, try to honor their memory in small but meaningful ways, like: Making a donation in their name Recalling fond memories with them Looking at old photos of them Playing a game you used to play with them
Lean on your faith or spirituality. If you’re religious or spiritual, tapping into your faith or spiritual community can be a valuable source of solace. Participate in religious/spiritual activities that bring you comfort during this difficult time, like meeting with your spiritual leader or going to a spiritual service. If you’re still in school, you might find some comfort spending time with the youth organization at your place of worship. You might find comfort in meditating over verses in your spiritual text of choice, or praying to a higher power for support.
Join a local support group. Grief therapist Ken Breniman explains how “rural communities have free resources for grief support groups, which can be in a local church or hospice.” Breniman adds that these support groups “don’t have to have denominational or religious backgrounds of any kind. A lot of counselors provide that service free of charge.” Sites like GriefShare make it easy to find support groups in your area.
Meet with a therapist to help you unpack your grief. Licensed therapists are trained to help you explore and safely examine your feelings and can help you take healthy steps forward as you process your grief. To find a therapist near you, click or tap here. Therapy can also be an invaluable resource if you’re experiencing long-term grief, which is also known as complicated grief. Grief therapist Ken Breniman advises “working individually with a private therapist” if you’re experiencing “prolonged grief or acute distress that could lead to a traumatic response in some way, shape, or form.”
Practice self-care as you grieve. Make sure that you’re eating nutritious meals and staying hydrated each day—if you’re struggling, it might be helpful to create a phone reminder for yourself. Getting regular exercise and maintaining a good sleep schedule are other simple but important ways to feel your best as you work through the grieving process.
How to Help a Grieving Child
Speak openly and honestly with your child. Be kind but direct about the grandparent’s death, giving your child space to explain what they’re feeling and experiencing. As you spend time with them, avoid using poetic or flowery language to discuss the grandparent’s death (e.g., “passed away”). Concrete terms like “die/died” will help your child to better understand and process what’s happened. “I have some really sad news. Your Grandpa died last night.” “I have something important to share with you. Grandma died at the hospital last night.”
Explain how sad you are about their grandparent’s death. Your child likely won’t know the best way to feel and respond to their grandparent’s death, and may model their reactions from you. Remind your child that it’s normal and okay to feel really sad when a loved one dies, and that they might feel differently about the loss than their other relatives. “I’m feeling very sad about Grandpa dying. I’m going to miss the great big hugs he would give me when we’d visit.” “I’m so very sad about Grandma’s death. She was such an important part of our lives.” Above all, remind them that the grieving process is very individualistic and that it’s normal (and okay) for children to grieve a little differently than their parents, siblings, and other relatives.
Focus on happy memories your child had with their grandparent. Go through old pictures with your child and reminisce on the happy memories they had together, or recall memorable times you experienced. Think about making a memorial with your child, like planting a special garden in the backyard or making a scrapbook with treasured photos of the grandparent. “Remember when Grandpa surprised us all with a trip to the beach? You guys made such a big sandcastle together!” “Remember when Grandma made you a big birthday breakfast? It was so clever how she made your name with pancakes.” Telling stories to your child is a great idea if they’re younger and/or didn’t have a chance to make a ton of memories with their grandparent.
Allow your child to attend their grandparent’s funeral. It’s absolutely fine for your child to go to their grandparent’s funeral, even if they’re really young. A funeral is a great way to honor your loved one’s memory (and, chances are, your child will be thankful that they attended when they’re older). Give your child the option to attend their grandparent’s viewing if you think it could be helpful for them. If their last memories of their grandparent were at a hospital/hospice, it might be nice for them to their loved one at rest. Certain topics can be difficult to explain to a child, which is why Child Bereavement UK has made animated videos explaining burials and cremation.
Comments
0 comment