What Does the Phrase "Chivalry is Dead" Mean?

• “Chivalry is dead” is a phrase often used to complain about a lack of manners or generally uncourteous behavior.
• “Chivalry” is a concept that dates back to Medieval times, and was a code of conduct for knights that encouraged honor and upstanding behavior.
• Practice modern chivalry by giving up your seat on the bus, offering to pay for your date’s dinner, and treating service workers with patience and respect.

What does “chivalry is dead” mean?

“Chivalry is dead” means that people aren’t as polite as they used to be. More specifically, people often use this phrase to complain that men, or people in general, don’t have the same manners they did in the past, particularly toward women. In this context, “chivalry” is a general sense of politeness or a set of principles for treating people with respect. For example, someone might say “He only talked about himself for the whole date, and he didn’t even pay for dinner!” and someone else might reply with, “Chivalry really is dead.”

What is chivalry?

Chivalry was a sort of guidebook for how to behave as a knight. Knights in the Middle Ages and the Medieval era were often expected to follow a code of conduct in order to uphold the honor that came with being a knight. They were expected to follow certain rules of combat, but also to practice courtesy and gallantry outside of combat, particularly toward women. Altogether, this set of “rules” was known as chivalry. The rules of chivalry weren’t set in stone, but some were written down in folk songs and other documents. The “Song of Roland,” from around 1100, describes some rules of chivalry, including serving God, protecting the weak, fighting for the welfare of all, and respecting the honor of women. Chivalry was also intertwined with the idea of “courtly love,” or a code of behavior for relationships between aristocratic men and women that often involved exchanging gifts, writing songs or poems for ladies, and holding affairs in secrecy.

Traditional chivalry was different than how we often imagine it. While the codes of chivalry did encourage protecting the weak, these codes often didn’t extend to the poor or the peasantry, or even non-Christians, and so knights were often violent toward these people anyway. On top of that, while chivalry did encourage respect for women, its ideals and rules often forced women into certain roles, namely as objects to be revered or shown off, rather than independent people. All this to say that we tend to romanticize chivalry in our modern era, but actual chivalry as it was practiced was much more complicated and not as ideal as we’re tempted to think.

Is chivalry really dead?

Traditional chivalry is no longer commonly practiced in modern times. At least, not the Medieval idea of chivalry, with knights constantly clashing and trying to woo ladies in royal courts. Nowadays, we tend to think of chivalry as any sort of behavior that’s courteous and kind, like mercy or humility. In that sense, plenty of people still practice chivalry, even if it looks a bit different than it did hundreds of years ago. That’s why when people say, “Chivalry is dead,” they’re often complaining about somebody’s lack of manners. They’re not always trying to say that people aren’t generally kind or thoughtful.

Chivalry as an idea is still shifting and evolving. Often, knights who practiced chivalry toward women were doing so to gain honor or to promote their own status—not always for the sake of treating a lady well. Because of this, some say that chivalry places women on an unrealistic pedestal, or simply uses them as tools, which isn’t exactly behavior we think of as good or beneficial. Instead, some say that we should strive to be kind and benevolent, rather than practice manners for the sake of manners. Traditional ideals of chivalry also focus on men as the ones who get to be courteous and valorous, while women tend to be silent and grateful, which isn’t the most modern way of thinking.

Practicing Modern Chivalry

Treat other people well out of kindness, not for a reward. The trouble with traditional chivalry was that it was often practiced to make a knight look good, not always because it was the right thing to do. To practice chivalry in modern times, strive to be courteous and caring to those around you, but don’t expect any sort of thanks. After all, being nice for the sake of being nice is its own reward! Also, practice chivalry regardless of your gender. Men aren’t the only ones who should be kind and courteous.

Give your date the star treatment to show them your chivalry. Being chivalrous to your partner or your date is as simple as putting a little more effort into the smaller things. Call them instead of just sending a text, and offer to pay for the meal if you’re eating at a restaurant. When you’re on the street, walk on the outside of the sidewalk to protect them from traffic. In a nutshell: be a gentleman! Also, offer to walk them home afterward, or have them text or call you when they do get home. Letting them know you’re looking out for their safety is another way to bring chivalry into modern times. Remember that dating has evolved, and some women might not appreciate being fawned over, so always ask your partner or your date if they’re comfortable with your actions.

Hold the door open when you see someone coming. Holding the door is a classic hallmark of modern chivalry. It’s a small gesture, but it goes a long way toward making someone’s day just a little brighter when they see that someone else is taking time out of their day to help them. Any time you walk through a public door, keep an eye out for others who might be coming or going. Keep the door open, but step aside so they can get through. Opening the car door for your partner is a sweet way to be chivalrous on a date, but ask them if they’re comfortable with it first. It might be something they’d rather just do for themselves.

Offer your seat to someone who might need it more. A big part of chivalry is helping those in need. There are plenty of ways you might do that, but one of the simplest ways is to give up your seat and offer it to someone who might be uncomfortable standing, especially on the bus or subway. If you see an elderly or pregnant person, or someone with a disability, stand and say, “Would you like to sit?” Or, just stand up and move elsewhere! You don’t need to interact if you’re not comfortable doing so, or if you’d rather not assume that the other person needs the seat. Sometimes a silent, unnoticed gesture is the most thoughtful.

Stand up for those around you. One of the iconic pillars of chivalry is “to fight for the welfare of all,” and that’s something you can do without a sword. When you see someone giving another person a hard time, step in and say, “Is everything alright?” Or, address the victim and say, “Do you need help?” Alternatively, follow up with the victim afterward and ask if they want to talk about it. Always be aware of your own safety and the safety of others. If the situation appears dangerous, contact someone in charge or call an emergency number to alert the proper authorities. Take note of private conversations or situations. Sometimes, it really is just between two people. If the victim turns down your help, respect that, but don’t hesitate to discreetly ask if they’re alright afterward.

Treat others with respect and patience. Another pillar of chivalry is “to eschew unfairness, meanness, or deceit.” No matter who you’re talking to or interacting with, remember to be patient and use kind and respectful language, like “please” and “thank you.” Listen intently when they speak, and give their words the attention and consideration they deserve. For example, be polite to waiters or other service workers, who work fast-paced and stressful jobs. They’ll be glad to have a laid-back and friendly customer like you!

Offer a helping hand whenever you can. You don’t have to wait for a chance to be chivalrous to come to you; there are opportunities to be kind and courteous every day, if you know how to look for them. Any time you see someone struggling, ask, “Is there something I can do to help you?” That might mean helping someone lift their luggage into the overhead on a plane. Or, it could be flagging down someone who’s just dropped their wallet. No matter the situation, if you can make someone’s day just a little easier, do it!