Let him know how much you want him.
A 2021 study showed feeling desired is important for men's sexual satisfaction. For the vast majority of the men who participated in the study (a whopping 95%), "feeling desired" ranked as very important. Some even said it was more important to them than basic physical needs like eating and sleeping. The easiest way to help him feel desired is to tell him—whether it's face-to-face or through a sexy little text. For example, as he's on the way home from work, send him a flirty text and say something like, "I've been thinking all day about your body next to mine. I crave your touch." While the two of you are out together, you might lean close and whisper in his ear, "I forgot how hot you look in that suit—I just want to devour you."
Touch him regularly in non-sexual ways.
Romantic touch makes him feel loved and desired. Perhaps you remember when you and your husband first started dating and you couldn't keep your hands off each other. Channeling some of that energy into your married life will help increase his sexual and overall satisfaction in the relationship. This could be as subtle as a light touch on his arm as you're talking or a brief squeeze as you brush past him in the kitchen. Rest your hand on his arm as you're reading something together or on his leg when you're in the car. Think back to how you might touch someone when you were flirting with them and trying to get their attention, then touch your husband in some of the same ways. The same facial expressions and looks work too! A fleeting, meaningful glance can make him feel the same way your hand brushing his chest or lingering on his arm would. Kissing and cuddling in bed at night, even if you're not going to have sex, helps sustain your physical and emotional bond.
Initiate sex occasionally.
Taking the lead shows him that you're enthusiastic and you want him. Remember: feeling desired is very important for men's sexual satisfaction. If he's always the one who initiates sex, he has no way of knowing if you really want it or just go along with it when he brings it up. Embrace the vulnerability that comes with getting the ball rolling not knowing if he'll reciprocate. There are ways you can ease into this if you're kind of shy about initiating sex. For example, you might send him a teasing text like, "I might have a surprise for you tonight in the bedroom... if you're up for it." Sending a sexy photo can also work to kick off something sexual. For example, you might tie a ribbon around yourself, text him a picture, and say, "You have a present... but you have to unwrap it." This is also a good way to improve your own satisfaction. If you're taking the lead, you can show him exactly how you like to be touched.
Surprise him with a quickie once in a while.
A quickie tells him you want him so badly you must have him right now. The best way to initiate a surprise quickie is to catch him at a time when he'd normally be down for sex but isn't expecting it at the moment. Then, just start making out with him and let things go from there. For example, if he likes morning sex, you might set your alarm for 10 minutes early and wake him up with kisses and gentle caresses of his body. You can also initiate a quickie with a text. For example, if you're at home and know he has a lunch break coming up, you might text him, "I have a special lunch for you... but you'll have to come home to get it." When he comes home, you can be waiting naked or in some lingerie he likes.
Talk dirty in bed.
Men often get aroused and feel more desired when you talk dirty. If talking dirty isn't something you feel super comfortable with, start with more vague, PG-rated comments, such as "I love it when you put your hand there," or "You feel so good." You can always ramp it up from there. Remember that he wants to feel desired, so focus on what you love about him and make it seem like you just can't get enough of him. For example, you might say, "Your body against mine makes me so hot," or "I can't get enough of how you feel inside me." As long as you're both comfortable with it, try watching pornography together to get some good ideas for dirty talk.
Show him that you're turned on.
When he hits the right spot, let him know it. This doesn't mean that you need to moan and scream. There are other ways you can show that he's making you feel good: your muscles tensing, grabbing him or a nearby object, lightly scratching him, or breathing heavily. Don't be afraid to use your words as well! For example, you might say, "That feels so good" or "I love when you do that" or "Please don't stop." If you have a vagina, know that faking orgasms isn't doing anyone any favors. At best, all you do is teach him that whatever he was doing was working when it definitely wasn't.
Experiment with new things.
Variety makes your sex life more fun and enjoyable. While this might include experimenting with kinky things, it's more about unleashing your playful side. Treat sex as an exciting activity that you and your partner both participate in and be on the lookout for different ways you can make it even more fun. There's science behind this, too. Multiple studies show that couples who make an effort to try new and different things in the bedroom report higher levels of sexual desire and greater sexual satisfaction. Even trying a different position for penetrative sex might lead you to discover new feelings and sensations that you both really enjoy. Don't be afraid to try and fail at something. For example, many people experiment with roleplay to spice up their sex lives. But here's the thing about roleplay: It's actually really hard to convincingly do! You might end up collapsing in a fit of giggles—and that's okay. It just gives you another opportunity to bond with each other.
Introduce some props or toys.
Toys and props can help you both learn about your sexual response. Toys that vibrate work especially well to teach you how you become aroused and respond to different levels of stimulation. You can also try a blindfold for sensory deprivation or a fur-covered paddle for some light impact play. If you feel shy or nervous about walking into a brick-and-mortar sex shop, just shop online. You don't even have to go to a sex-specific website—major online retailers such as Amazon also sell sex toys and props. You don't have to go shopping either! You can turn anything you have lying around the house into a sex toy (just make sure it's clean first). For example, you might tie your partner to the bed with neckties and tease him with a feather. Go slow so you have time to notice all the different erogenous zones on his body.
Engage in pillow talk after sex.
Pillow talk increases closeness and sexual satisfaction. The science behind pillow talk is that having an orgasm floods your system with oxytocin, a hormone that gives you warm, fuzzy feelings of love and trust. It makes you want to open up to your partner and share your thoughts and feelings. A 2020 study showed having more pillow talk results in men specifically feeling more satisfied with their relationships. So if you want to keep your husband sexually satisfied, try whispering sweet nothings in his ear after sex. Tell him how great he was and how amazing he makes you feel.
Discuss your sex life regularly.
Studies show greater communication is associated with more orgasms. Couples who have open conversations about sex on a regular basis end up having more satisfying sex as a result. It also turns out they tend to have sex more often as well (perhaps because it's more often on their minds). For example, you might approach your husband and say, "Tonight after dinner, I'd like us to sit down and talk about our sex life and how we can make it even better than it already is." If things aren't actually going that great, you might say, "I know our sex life isn't as awesome as it could be. Can we talk about it? Your satisfaction is really important to me." Sex is a "taboo" or "forbidden" topic in a lot of cultures and communities, so it's understandable that you might feel shy or embarrassed about this at first. Just remember that this is your husband. Within the sanctity of marriage, it's a good thing to talk about your sexual relationship.
Define what each of you needs and wants sexually.
Sit down together and discuss your sex life in detail. Pick a time when you can be alone together. Grab a drink if you want and open up to each other about what's working for you and what's not. You might even compose a list of specific needs and wants. For example, you might list "orgasm" as one of your needs. Then, you could discuss with him how often you normally orgasm when the two of you have sex and what specific things help get you there. If you want to take some time to think about this and write a list, that's fine. But don't just hand your lists to each other to read silently—sit down together and talk about them.
Practice giving and receiving constructive criticism.
Sandwich criticism between two compliments to soften the blow. Let's be real—nobody likes to hear that they're not awesome in bed. But if you and your husband are having a conversation about sex, the things you don't like are going to come up. For example, you might say, "I really love when you touch me. If you used your tongue as well, it would really take me over the top. That would make our sex even more amazing than it already is." Everybody likes different things in bed—there's no "one size fits all" when it comes to sex. Remember that your husband is the ultimate authority of what pleases him. If you want him to be sexually satisfied, what he says is more important than what you've read in a magazine, seen in a video, or done with other men. To accept this kind of criticism, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable—and that can be tough. You might feel the urge to get defensive, but try to have empathy for your husband and see things from his point of view. Accepting his criticism and making changes to better please him also makes him feel more desired. You're showing him that you're sexually attracted to him and want to please him.
Ask him about his fantasies.
Fantasies help arouse and excite you mentally and physically. Before you start sharing fantasies, agree that you won't judge each other. Having a fantasy doesn't mean that you actually want to do something in real life, but it can serve as a jumping-off point to explore different ideas and scenarios. For example, if he has a "hot nurse" fantasy, you might find a sexy nurse's costume that you can wear some time to help act out his fantasy. To set the scene, you might start by texting him a picture of the costume laid out on the bed and say something like, "Are you ready for your physical tonight? I plan to give you a thorough examination." Don't be afraid to share your own fantasies as well. Many men are going to enjoy fulfilling your fantasies as much as you enjoy fulfilling theirs. You might even find that you have some fantasies in common. For example, you might have a fantasy of being tied up and helpless, and he might have a fantasy of rescuing a "damsel in distress." Those two fantasies can definitely work together! You can share your thoughts and feelings with each other. Try to make time for having fun together. Make an effort to be playful and find something that works for the two of you as a couple.
Make sex a priority in your lives.
Actually scheduling sex can help you increase the frequency. The idea of penciling in sex on your calendar might sound really un-sexy, but it shows that sex is just as important to you as the other things you make time for. It also keeps other things from getting in the way of having sex. Scheduling a specific time for sex requires you to schedule other things around it, rather than the other way around. This is a great thing to try if you find that sex keeps getting pushed to the side in favor of other things you need to do. This doesn't mean that, when the time comes, you have to have sex even if you don't want to. Your libido might not always match up with your calendar—and that's okay. Instead, spend that time relaxing and holding each other.
Exercise regularly to boost your energy and libido.
Physical activity gives you more stamina and better circulation. Physical arousal depends a great deal on good blood flow, so improving your circulation directly improves your sex life. Apart from that, stronger and healthier bodies are more capable of enjoying sexual activity in general (as well as staying at it longer). Becoming stronger and more physically fit also improves your self-concept and self-image, which one study showed is directly related to both orgasm and sex drive or sexual desire. Doing kegel exercises strengthens your pelvic floor muscles and has sexual benefits for both men and women. To find your pelvic floor muscles, tighten or clinch as though you're trying to keep from passing gas. Contract these muscles for 3-5 seconds, then release for 3-5 seconds. Repeat this cycle 10 times.
Maintain individual hobbies and interests.
Doing everything together can make your partner too familiar. If you and your husband don't have any autonomy in your relationship, you can lose sight of yourselves as individuals. When you do that, studies show, your passion and sexual desire for each other start to decrease. You can keep this from happening by making sure that each of you has your own things that you do separate from each other. For example, you might each take a separate class one night a week, or join rec league teams in different sports. Spending time apart can be just as important as spending quality time together. Additionally, it turns out the old saying that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" actually holds some truth. When your partner's not around, your imagination kicks in and they become more desirable—so you might plan solo weekend getaways, then get ready for a hot reunion.
Try a sex therapist if you have trouble communicating.
Sex therapists help you talk about sex in a productive, meaningful way. If you've tried several ideas and sexual satisfaction still seems just out of reach, a sex therapist might be able to help. They'll ask you questions designed to get to the root of your issues with intimacy so you can relate to each other sexually in a more fulfilling way. Marital or couples therapists can also help you work out issues that you're having, but they usually don't focus specifically on sex. A sex therapist, on the other hand, starts with your sexual relationship and works outward from that. It's not uncommon to feel awkward about going to a therapist or talking about such intimate topics. A good therapist will help set you at ease so you feel comfortable talking to them.
Get medical treatment for sexual dysfunction.
Problems with arousal are natural and nothing to be ashamed of. May people will experience some sort of sexual dysfunction at some point in their lives. It might be a natural part of aging, a symptom of a separate medical issue, or a side effect of a medication you're taking. If you talk to a doctor about what you're experiencing, they can help determine the cause and find a way to help. For example, if you experience sexual dysfunction as a side effect of a medication you're taking, your doctor might be able to prescribe you a different medication that will treat the same condition without that side effect. Hormone treatments can help both people who are experiencing a loss of libido or reduced sex drive.
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