How to Tell Your Parents That You Don't Want to Do Something

Understanding Your Feelings

Consider why you don’t want to do it. Though you may feel very frustrated with your parents for making you do something that you have no desire to do, think about why you feel frustrated. Sometimes, we find that our frustration can stem from different triggers and may not even necessarily be about the task at all. For instance, if you have gotten into an argument recently with your parents, perhaps you still have some lingering resentment from that. What they have asked you to do may not be unreasonable, but you should talk to them about your feelings. Or, however, perhaps you are frustrated about having to complete more chores because you feel that you have very little free time. Assess how much time you have aside from homework and chores and see if you think your parents are being fair with upping the requirement.

Write out the pros and cons. Take some time to write out your thoughts through compiling a list of pros and cons about the thing that your parents are making you do and the consequences if you don’t do it. This will help you assess whether or not having a talk with your parents is necessary or if you should just bite the bullet and do as you’re told. For instance, if your parents are now requiring that you go to tutoring after school, consider the positives and negatives. For the positives, your grades will likely improve and you will have a higher GPA. A negative is that you will likely have less free time. In this instance, it would seem that tutoring would be more advantageous for you than would staying home and it might not be worth it to fight with your parents about it.

Talk to an adult you trust. Though you may feel too angry to speak to your parents about this issue currently, seek out the advice from an adult you look up to or who knows your parents. They will be able to give you unbiased information that may help change your perspective on your parent’s decision. They may also be able to give you advice on how to get your parents to change their minds. Consider talking to an aunt, uncle, or grandparent.

Try to understand their perspective. Remember that parenting is a super hard job! Your parents are making decisions for you based on their own childhood experience. Parents also typically act in the way that they see as best to assure your safety, health, and success. Think about the difficult decisions and sacrifices they have to make on a daily basis for you. Remember that though your parents will not always be right, they still deserve your respect and obedience.

Drop the issue if you think you’ve been unreasonable. After you have taken the time to think about what you have been asked to do constructively and critically, think about whether or not you want to drop the issue. If you feel that your parents are being reasonable and what they are asking you to do will likely help you in the long run or make you a better person, be mature and do it. There is no shame in giving in as long as you are giving in to something that is good.

Prepare your discussion if you still have reservations about the task. However, if you still feel that your parents are being unfair and you have strong reservations about doing as you’ve been told, you must begin preparing what you will say to them about this issue. Typically, it is best to focus your argument around three main points to give them enough to think about, but not bog them down with grievances. For instance, if your parents are requiring that you play a certain sport that you no longer want to play, you might have the following three points in opposition to their wishes: the sport takes time away from your academic studies, you no longer enjoy playing the sport and it feels like a chore, and you would prefer spending your time doing another hobby or participating in another sport. Your parents will appreciate if you have developed thoughtful and logical reasons for not doing something.

Having A Conversation

Sit them down for a talk. Now, you have arrived at the time where having a discussion with your parents is necessary. Tell them that you have something you’d like to talk to them about and you wanted to find the best time for them. They will appreciate you for being respectful of their time and for not bombarding them with an argument. Pick a good time to ask them and do not ask right after they have gotten off of work. Parents typically like to have a few moments to themselves after a hard day at the office. You could say something like “Hey mom and dad, can we talk for a minute? There’s something that’s been on my mind that I wanted to discuss with you.”

Be honest. Once you finally do sit down to have your chat, make sure you are as open and as honest with them as possible. It will do you no good to bend the truth or misrepresent your feelings and you will have regrets later for your lack of honesty. If your parents ask you a question about your feelings, be open with them. Remember that they love you and want to make you happy. Trust them with your truth. For instance, if they ask you if you think they are being fair, don’t say “yes” if you really believe in your heart that they aren’t. Instead, you could say “I know you are looking out for me and doing what you think is best and I love you for that. But it doesn’t feel fair to me that I have more chores than my brother, especially since he is older than me.”

Be respectful. One thing that parents respond most negatively to is having their child disrespect them. If you do so, any hopes of negotiations or getting your way will likely go out of the window because your parents will not want to hear anything else you have to say. Stay away from raising your voice at them or being argumentative. Also, be prepared for the reality that they might not let you have your way even after this heartfelt discussion. Never call them names or tell them you hate them. This will create new problems between you.

Aim for logic and reason. When you are having these discussions with your parents, try to appeal to them from a logical standpoint, and sprinkle in emotion here and there for effect. They are your parents so they love you very much, but they are also striving to do what is best for you, aside from their own emotions and feelings. For instance, if they want you to change schools because your behavior has been bad, consider saying something like “changing the school won’t help; it’s me that is the issue. My friends don’t make me act out nor do my teachers. Give me the chance to work on myself first before you make the decision to move me.”

Be calm and mindful of your body language. During this conversation, you may feel stressed, especially if you feel that your parents are not understanding your perspective. However, you must try to not get yourself worked up because it will be hard for you to articulate yourself thoughtfully and persuade your parents. Also, do not wave your arms around wildly or employ other aggressive body language tactics. Breathe deeply during the conversation. Sometimes, when we are stressed, we tend to breathe less and that can contribute to feeling more stressed in general. Sit with your legs and arms uncrossed. Keep hand movements to a minimum.

Strive for maturity. Don’t be whiny or argumentative with your parents; this will not be successful for you. During this discussion, even if you are young, try to be as mature as possible, remembering to consider your parent’s perspective. Remember also that at the end of the day you are the child and they are the parent.

Providing Alternative Solutions

Suggest some alternatives. In discussions with your parents, come prepared to discuss alternatives with them to the thing they are asking you to do. You can also brainstorm some alternatives with them if they are willing to compromise with you. For instance, if your parents want you to go to a new school, but you don’t want to, think about ways that you can stay at your school but improve your experience and/or behavior. For instance, perhaps you can promise to stay after school for tutoring three times per week to improve your grades if that is the issue.

Bargain with them. Your parents may not in fact necessarily want to make you do something that you don’t want to do, but may feel that it’s in your best interest. Try bargaining with them so you can get your way at least temporarily. You could, for instance, sa “give me one month to change my behavior. If I don’t, then I will do as you ask with no hesitation. Please give me a chance to show you I can do better.”

Find flexibility in their wishes. Your parents are likely not as unreasonable as you think. All parents are simply looking for ways to make sure their kids are successful and healthy. Tap into this knowledge about your parents and find ways to get what you both want. Perhaps they want you to change schools, but have they selected the school already? Can you have input on that? Ask them.

Be more responsible at home. If you are more responsible at home, they are more likely to listen to you and take your feedback into consideration when making decisions. Be a good steward of the tasks that they give you so that you will be deemed as trustworthy, dependable, and a hard worker in their eyes. Do all of your chores without having to be asked and without complaining. Do all of your homework and avoid conduct issues in school. Avoid fights with your siblings. Keep your parent’s household rules.

Accept their final decision. At the end of the day, after all of the discussing, seeking alternatives, and articulating your points, you may find that your parents still do not agree with you. They may still make you do the thing you have been dreading. Take some time to realize that this is okay. It’s not the end of the world. You have emerged from this process a better and more mature person. Honor your parents by being obedient to them.