How to Tell Anti-Jokes That Are So Unfunny You’ll Laugh Anyway

“How do you raise a child? Lift them up.”

Be extremely literal. When telling an anti-joke, offer a colorful set-up to make people think they might know where your joke is going. Then, give an extremely bland and logical answer. Comedy isn’t known for its rationality, so you being so literal will catch people off-guard. And comedy is all about surprise. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing. Neither of those things can talk. I tried to catch the fog the other day. But I remembered that fog is an intangible water vapor and there are a lot of other productive ways I could be spending my time. What’s the difference between a Republican and a breadstick? A Republican is a politician who advocates for a more conservative legislature. A breadstick is a long, thin piece of bread.

“What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.”

Make your punchline as obvious as possible. Anti-jokes aren’t known for their creativity. In fact, they celebrate the lack of it. When telling an anti-joke punchline, make your response as close to the set-up as possible. Part of the humor will come from your audience thinking “Duh! How did I not see that coming?” What did Batman say to Robin before they entered the bat cave? “Hey Robin. Wanna go to the bat cave?” What’s brown and sticky? A stick. What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? “We are both lawyers.” How do you get a clown off a swing? Say “hey clown, can you please get off this swing?” What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? ‘Where’s my tractor?’ What did the cop say when the cat peed on his uniform? “Ew. There’s a cat peeing on my uniform.”

“Yo mama so old…she lived a long, fulfilling life."

Tell an inspiring, but unfunny story. Comedy comes from conflict. So, since an anti-joke is the opposite of a traditionally good joke, eliminate the conflict from the situation altogether. Find a way to completely resolve your set-up in a way that’s not funny or silly whatsoever. A man walks into a bar. He decides he’s not particularly thirsty and should spend more time with his family. He walks home and tells his wife and children he loves them. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? It doesn’t matter. They’re trying to develop healthier habits and we should support them, regardless of their specific fitness regimen. How did the tone-deaf man win the karaoke competition? He placed a lot of energy and charisma into his performance, winning the judges’ respect despite his apparent shortcomings. A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. They have a pleasant and enlightening discussion where they learn a lot about each other’s points of view regarding higher powers.

“‘Knock knock.’ ‘Come in!’”

Subvert a joke that’s already been told a million times. Part of the popularity of anti-jokes comes from the fact that people feel like they've heard other types of jokes a little too often. Lead your audience into thinking they can see your punchline a mile away. Then, swerve at the last second to catch them off guard. Why did the chicken cross the road? I don’t know. Unfortunately, our society is not scientifically advanced enough to predict the behavior of chickens. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m bad at rhyming. Do you like ska music? I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down…because I’ve surgically attached it to my hand. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A blind fish. How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Shake her softly and say “hey Lady Gaga, it’s time to wake up.” I just flew in from a ‘Keep Your Arms Up for a Really Long Time’ tournament. And boy are my arms tired!

“What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Sepsis.”

Make your anti-joke dark and depressing. Most people tell jokes that are light and playful. To embrace anti-humor, steer your jokes the exact opposite direction. Make your punchlines as morbid or unnecessarily dark as possible (as long as you know your audience can handle it). A guy walks into a bar. He hits his head and has to go to the hospital. The healthcare costs are extravagant and he goes bankrupt. Why did Johnny drop his ice cream? He was hit by a bus. What’s George Washington’s favorite food? It doesn’t matter. He’s dead. Why couldn’t the T-rex clap its hands? Because it was killed by a meteor 66 million years ago.

“How do you confuse a Russian? Paint yourself green and throw forks at people.”

Subvert jokes about specific groups of people. From nationality to religion, one of comedy’s laziest tropes is making fun of specific groups of people. To tell the anti-joke version of this, start by targeting a specific group of people. Then, give a punchline that has nothing to do with that type of person whatsoever. What’s a dentist’s favorite time? Every dentist is different. Please don’t stereotype. What do a Blonde and a snail have in common? Neither of them can shoot lasers from their nostrils. What did the Polish guy say at the silent disco? … What did the Jewish principal say to her students on their last day of Catholic school? “Thanks for a great year, everyone. Have a nice summer!”

“Why couldn’t the T-rex put on a sweater? Because T-rex’s are 40 feet long and sweaters aren’t manufactured at that size.”

Get scientific and/or historical with your joke. Use logical evidence to undermine the set-ups of your anti-jokes. While most comedians create punchlines to support and complement the first part of each joke, the goal of an anti-joke is to break the mold and offer reason instead of humor. Why do bears have hairy coats? Bears lived in colder climates so they evolved to have warm, hairy fur in order to survive. What do you call an anteater that doesn’t eat ants? An anteater. The irony is quite amusing, but the name of the species doesn’t change. Why didn’t the barista let the fruit bat into the cafe? Because it had webbed skin and carried West Nile virus. What did the caveman say to the samurai? Nothing. They lived thousands of years apart at two vastly different periods in history.

“What’s big, and white, and can’t jump over a fence? A refrigerator.”

Use absurdity in your anti-jokes. Some anti-jokes break the rules of comedy because they’re sad or logical. Others are just incomprehensible altogether. Make a joke that doesn’t fully make sense. It’s okay if your audience doesn’t laugh. While anti-jokes can be unexpectedly hilarious, they’re just as successful when they make people go ‘huh?’” I like my men like I like my coffee. Filled with a nutritious amount of riboflavin. A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘we have a drink named after you.’ The grasshopper says “you have a drink named Kevin?” Why couldn’t the fisherman swim? Because he was strapped to a large cube of copper that had no buoyancy. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 killed 4 people in a hit-in-run last February. Authorities have yet to find him. If you see any suspicious activity, please contact… Where does the sheep get her haircut? Merle Norman Cosmetics. Everyone is impressed by the well-behaved sheep and she looks surprisingly chic with a bob.

“Are you a parking ticket? Because I can’t afford to pay for you.”

Subvert a pick-up line. Pick-up lines are perhaps the most groan-inducing puns out there (even worse than Dad jokes). Consider using an anti-pick-up line instead. By breaking the pick-up line formula with logic or morbidity, you’re acknowledging how silly pick-up lines are, while still remaining flirty and playful. Are you from Tennessee? Because I’ve driven past you several times on the way to Disney World. If I could rearrange the alphabet…that would be pretty cool. Are those space pants? Because they’re radiating toxic gamma particles that are making it hard for me to breathe. If you were a library book, I’d say “AAAAAHHHH! A human library book.” Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven and shattered your spine? Was the physical therapy extensive? Are you okay? Recovery’s a long, difficult process. Is there anything I can do?

“Why didn’t Harry Potter go to the buffet? Because he’s not real.”

Erase all possible room for imagination. Traditional jokes suspend people’s disbelief to make them laugh. They use heightened situations and unusual characters. When telling your anti-joke, do the exact opposite. Reign the set-ups and subjects of your jokes as close to reality as possible. Again, the more logical the better! How do trees get online? They can’t. They’re inanimate objects. A horse walks into a bar. Several people leave, recognizing the danger of the situation. How many Amish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know. Amish people don’t use electricity so it would be impossible to come to a reasonable conclusion. What did the Chinese man say to the English man?” “你会说中文吗?”

“What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.”

Destroy the integrity of the joke’s set-up altogether. For a traditional joke to work, the punchline has to connect with the set-up and offer new, insightful, or amusing information. But anti-jokes aren’t traditional jokes. To tell a successful anti-joke, use your punchline to cancel out everything you just said in your question. Why did Peter Pan go to Neverland? Because that’s the plot of the movie. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Stealing is frowned upon. Give it back. What do you call a pirate with red hair? Dennis, but only if his name is Dennis. How do you throw a space party? I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.