How to React if Your Husband Calls You Fat

Responding Without Anger

Take a moment to breathe before responding. When someone says something rude or insulting, it can hit a nerve, particularly when that someone is your husband. Take a minute to breathe deeply and gather your thoughts. Consider stepping away and saying, "I need a moment after what you just said." Avoid engaging in further conversation until you've stepped away and had some space. Take 5 deep breaths. Visualize something positive in your life, rather than focusing on what your husband just said.

Think before you react. Being insulted will likely make you feel angry and defensive. While it's okay to feel angry and upset about what was said, attacking back will likely lead to more arguments and frustration. Find calm and patient words to say how you feel about what was said. If it seems like your husband is trying to belittle you, and there is a pattern of this behavior, consider saying, "I recognize that you're trying to make me feel bad about myself. I won't let you hurt me. I am stronger than that." If your husband is generally understanding, but said that you're fat in a heated moment, consider saying, "What you just said makes me feel small and ugly. Can we focus on how to make things better without hurting each other?"

See if you and your husband can talk rather than argue. Consider approaching the conversation as a way to discuss what is bothering you and your husband, rather than blaming one another. Consider turning the hateful words into a way to more effectively communicate. If your husband is resistant to talking about what's bothering him, or listening to what's bothering you, you may need to evaluate whether you both are able to talk about each other's feelings effectively. Consider whether you and your husband are able to talk about difficult subjects without feeling emotionally drained, exhausted, and disrespected. Try to focus the conversation on finding compromise instead of attacking each other.

Believing in Yourself

Remember that you determine your self-worth. No one controls your worth and self-esteem except you. While you may seek approval from your husband, understand that he can't change how you feel about yourself, but you can. While getting words of reassurance from your husband can help to boost your self-esteem, don't rely solely on him to determine how you feel about yourself or your appearance. Practice building up your self-esteem and self-worth. Consider saying these words of self-affirmation: "My self-worth is not determined by the number on the scale," or "I am more than my appearance."

Figure out your goals, regardless of what your husband says. Don't fall into despair when your husband says you're fat. If you already have certain goals about your body image, keep them going. Avoid letting your husband control the goals that you have for your health, your happiness, and your life. Determine what goals feel right for you about your health and body image. Determine what makes you feel special and appreciated. Advocate for yourself and your needs. Find ways to feel good about who you are beyond what your husband says. Think about what activities make you truly happy. If your husband’s comment didn’t strike a nerve, deal with the name calling rather than focusing on the bit about your appearance.

Practice self-care. When you've been hurt or insulted, you may feel like you want to retreat or fight back. Rather than expending so much energy on negative thoughts and feelings, focus on what makes you feel positive about yourself and your life. Take time for yourself to do these things: Reflect on the positive things about you and your body. Write in a journal about what you like about yourself. Choose at least 3 things to write about. Do activities that are independent of your spouse or family. Have a night out with your friends. Go out and explore a new place. Cross something off your bucket list. Focus on activities that restore a sense of peace and love for your body. Consider gentle yoga or meditation. Get a massage. Do things that make you feel beautiful and refreshed.

Recognizing an Unhealthy Relationship

Identify if your husband's negative words are common. Do you feel like your husband calling you fat, or putting you down, is a common occurrence? Does he say insulting and demeaning things that make you feel helpless and ashamed of yourself? If your husband knows that your weight is a sensitive subject, he is lashing out on purpose to hurt you. Consider keeping a record of how often your husband insults you or makes you feel bad. Is it multiple times a day? Or is it once in a few months? If you are being mistreated regularly, this may not be a healthy relationship. If you feel like you've been hurt over and over by your husband's rude and demeaning words, you may be suffering from abuse. No one should make you feel less than, particularly your husband.

Assess if you feel respected in your relationship. Marriage isn't just about love, but it's also about respect. It's important that you feel equal to your husband, and that you feel your views and thoughts are being respected. Consider these questions as you evaluate if respect is part of your relationship: Do you trust your husband? Do you feel safe to talk with him about what you're feeling? Do you feel appreciated for what you do and who you are?

Watch out for signs of verbal abuse. Abusive behavior involves control. Assess if your spouse is trying to say you're fat or other hurtful things as way to control and humiliate you. Abusers will make you feel guilty or make excuses for their behavior in order to normalize it. Think back on your relationship and assess if your husband has been doing the following: dominating, humiliating, isolating, threatening, intimidating, or blaming you. Assess if you feel safe and secure in your home. Do you feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" around him? Don't feel alone. Have strength to see what you deserve in a relationship.

Finding Support

Contact a crisis hotline if you feel at risk for abuse. If you're feeling lost and unsafe with your husband, seek help immediately. Talk with a crisis counselor, and to understand what makes a healthy and unhealthy relationship. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/ or 1-800-799-7233 Learn about what services and support are available in your community to help you.

Consider seeing a marriage or couples counselor. If you generally feel safe with your husband, but are increasingly having arguments, consider seeing a counselor to help you both communicate more effectively. See counseling as a way to grow and better your relationship, rather than feeling shame. Make counseling a priority. See it as an opportunity to improve the health of your relationship and feel more confident in yourself. If your husband rejects marriage or couples counseling, consider going to counseling just for you. Counselors can help you cope better with challenging relationships.

Connect with friends and family for reassurance and support. Identify people that you trust, and talk with them about your relationship with your husband and what he said. There may be wisdom or guidance in what they say. Avoid isolating yourself when your husband, or anyone else, puts you down or makes you feel bad. Instead, reach out to your loving and supportive friends or family. Gain strength and wisdom from others who have overcome body image issues or difficult relationships.