Talking to Your Partner
Find a private place to talk. If you decide to talk to your partner about the issue, you should arrange a time to discuss it in a private, quiet place. You may choose a neutral spot, such as a coffee shop or a park bench. Or you may invite your partner over to your home when you are alone so you can have a private conversation one on one. If possible, give yourself some time between when you find out the news and having this conversation. Allow time to collect your thoughts and try to identify your emotions. Try to talk in person with your partner, rather than on the phone or by text. This will ensure you can express your emotions clearly and sincerely to your partner face to face. Ask your partner, “Can we talk about the fact that you’re married?” or “Can we discuss your marriage and what this means for our relationship?”
Tell your partner you know they are married. Begin the conversation by telling your partner you know they are married and explain how you found out. Perhaps you spoke to your partner's spouse or you discovered the information through a mutual friend. Be clear about what you know to your partner so you can start the discussion from a position of honesty. For example, you may tell your partner, "I know you are married," or, "I recently learned you are married." Even if you are embarrassed about the means by which you discovered that your partner is married, be honest about how you found out. Being honest about this, even if you feel you did something wrong (such as look at their private email), can begin to shift the dynamic of the relationship toward truth and honesty.
Explain how you are feeling with “I” statements. Once you and your partner are alone, explain how you are feeling about the situation. Use “I” statements so your partner understands how you feel and can listen to what you have to say. Speak clearly and calmly in a regular tone of voice. This will ensure you and your partner have a productive conversation. For example, you may say, “I am feeling upset about your marriage. I feel as though I do not know what this means for our relationship.” Or you may say, “I am angry that you did not tell me you were married before we started seeing each other. I feel as though you were not honest with me and this makes me feel betrayed.”
Take a break if you get upset. You may struggle to talk to your partner about this issue in a calm tone of voice. This is totally normal and okay. You may need to take a five minute break (or longer) from the conversation to gain your composure and calm your emotions. Tell your partner, “I need a break from this conversation,” or, “I need some time alone to process this. Let’s talk another time.” You may need a few minutes to gain your composure and continue the talk. Or you may need a few days. Tell your partner they need to respect your needs and give you time to process the situation. You can then contact your partner when you are ready to talk again. It may also take several conversations for you to get a grasp on how you feel about the situation and how you want to proceed.
Come up with next steps with your partner. You and your married partner should end the talk by coming up with next steps together. You will need to determine what you want from the situation and tell your partner what you want. You and your partner should then agree to a plan of action moving forward so you are both on the same page. For example, you may tell your partner, “I am not comfortable with being with a married partner. Would you ever consider ending your marriage so we can be together?” or “Can we agree to be honest and open with each other moving forward? I am not expecting you to leave your spouse. But I need us to be completely honest from now on.” If you cannot agree on the next steps, then you should consider ending the relationship. You may be tempted to go against your values in an attempt to save the relationship, but you need to do what is right for you. Doing something that doesn't feel right to you can lead to serious regrets down the line.
Breaking Up with Your Partner
Discuss your emotions with your partner. Once you find out your partner is married, you may not be prepared to be with them moving forward. Be honest about how you are feeling and acknowledge the reality of the situation. You may not feel you can trust your partner anymore and do not feel emotionally prepared to be with a married partner. Discuss how you are feeling with your partner so they know where you’re at. Use “I” statements when you do this. For example, you may tell your partner, “I can't handle being with someone who is married,” or, “I feel as though the trust between us has been broken.”
Explain that you are breaking up. Let your partner know that your relationship is over. Be as gentle and firm as you can, as you do not want to give your partner false hope about the situation. If your partner tries to convince you that you can still be together, remind them about how you feel and what you want. If you do not want to be with a married partner, be clear about this. For example, you may tell your partner, “I do not want to be with a married partner. I think we need to separate,” or, “I am no longer comfortable in this relationship. I think we need to end it.” It is fair to give the other person time to tell you why they think you should stay in a relationship, but don't let them go on and on. Once they've said their piece, move on and do not engage in further discussion on the matter, even if they pressure you.
Establish distance from your partner. Let your partner know that you will need some time apart from each other. Be clear about keeping your distance from each other. Tell your partner that you will decide when and if you will speak to each other again. For example, you may tell your partner, "We need space away from each other. I will let you know if and when we can talk again. I need time away from you."
Maintain your distance from your partner. Once you and your partner separate, keep your distance from them. Agree not to contact each other for awhile and give each other space. Remove the person from your social media and do not respond to their calls or messages. If you see the person on a daily basis at work or school, agree to keep your distance and not talk or interact when you can avoid it. Doing this will allow you both the time you need to move on from the relationship. Remember that it is nearly impossible to immediately transition from being partners to being friends. While you may decide to be friends eventually, it is essential that you keep your distance and do not contact each other. You need time to heal and resolve your feelings, which may allow you to change the dynamic of the relationship to one of friendship. You may also be tempted to jump into another relationship to try and forget about this person. Try to avoid this, instead allowing yourself time to heal on your own.
Reaching Out to Others
Speak to friends and family. If you are struggling with your relationship with your married partner, you may reach out to family or friends. Talk to a close, trusted friend about the situation. Or reach out to a close family member. Speak to someone you feel will not judge you and simply listen to you. For example, you may say to a close friend, “I recently found out my partner is married. Can I talk to you about it without any judgement?” or “Turns out my partner is married. I need to talk about it. Would you be okay to just listen?” If the person's response makes you feel ashamed, or you find that talking to them makes you feel worse, end the conversation and find someone more supportive to talk to. You might just say, "Thank you so much for listening. I don't feel like I can talk about it anymore."
Talk to a therapist or a counselor. If you do not feel comfortable talking to someone who knows you personally, you may decide to talk to a therapist or a counselor. Talking to a therapist can be a good way to share how you are feeling without being judged or preached down to. A good therapist will listen to you and offer support or guidance when you need it. You can search for a therapist or a counselor online in your area. You can also ask your primary care doctor for a referral to a therapist or ask friends for referrals to a counselor.
Reach out to those who have a similar experience. You may also feel more comfortable talking to someone who is in a similar situation as you are, struggling to deal with a married partner. You may reach out to a friend who went through something similar or a family member who had a similar situation and dealt with it head on. You may feel more comfortable speaking to someone who can relate to what you are going through and offer advice or support. For example, you may say to a friend, “I know you struggled with a married partner last year. I’m going through the same thing. How did you react to the news?” or “I remember that you had a situation with a partner who turned out to be married. What did you do?”
Do self care. Turn inward and do self care to cope with the news about your partner. You may set aside an hour a day to do a relaxing activity like yoga or meditation as a form of self care. Or you may pamper yourself with a massage or a bath at home. Doing a hobby you enjoy can be a form of self care as well, such as painting, drawing, or playing music. You may find doing self care can also help you relieve any stress or anxiety you might be feeling as a result of your situation with your married partner. You may turn to healthy distractions like a fun activity or a night of pampering to get your mind off of your married partner.
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