Resolving Problems
Request a little time. To prevent your breakup, get ahead of the problem. Pull your partner aside to talk. Let them know your suspicions about the impending breakup and ask for some time to mend things. Agree on a time-frame. You might say something like, “I get the sense you're preparing to break up with me. Can you please give us some time to try and make things right? Can we give it one more month?” You can also use this extra time to do a little soul-searching and decide whether it's really a good idea for the relationship to continue.
Get some space. After you agree on a time-frame to work on your problems, take a few days for yourself. Spend some time thinking about the issues in your relationship and how you want to proceed. It may also be nice to get an opinion from a close friend or family member about how to move forward.
Hash out your grievances. Once you and your partner have had time to yourselves, meet back up to exercise your conflict resolution skills. Take a look at which parts of the relationship aren't working and work together to find solutions. This step might go easier if both partners make a list of your major grievances with the relationship. Do so by clearly defining the problem in detail. Then, separately, brainstorm some possible solutions to the issues on your list. Come back together and share your grievances. Then, offer suggestions for how you and your partner can overcome these obstacles. For example, your partner never calls when they'll be out late, causing you to worry constantly. You might suggest that they set reminders in their phone that prompt them to check in if they're out past a certain time.
Use “I” statements. A lot of conflict can be resolved by simply changing the way you speak to your partner. Using “you” statements feels accusatory and forces them to defend themselves. When you use “I” statements, you can express your feelings without making your partner defensive. An “I” statement might sound like this: “Todd, I'm worried about you when you're out late. It would make me feel so much better if you called to check in.”
Find common ground. In most cases, you and your partner should be able to find a topic that you mutually agree on. Use that as a benchmark to resolve your conflict. Look for the common ground that allows both of you to have your needs met. What is it that you both want and how can you make changes to achieve that? Using the previous example, maybe your partner gets so caught up in spending time with their friends that they don't think to step away and call you. Sending a quick text message to check-in might help resolve the problem on both sides.
Go to couples counseling. If the two of you lack the necessary communication and conflict resolution skills to manage your relationship problems, seeing a counselor might help. Talking your problems over with an experienced professional may help you learn more effective ways of dealing with them. In addition, going to a therapist may also help you see that some problems in your relationship are not solvable or that you and your partner are not compatible. This might be the confirmation you need to go ahead and break up.
Don't beg. If you think your partner is considering a breakup, you can take action to save your relationship. Begging, however, is not the answer. Begging will only wear away at your self-respect. Plus, if it's all you do to make them stay, they will certainly see through the act and soon be ready to leave again.
Strengthening Your Bond
Remind each other why you fell in love. Compliments, gift-giving, or small gestures of love and appreciation can go a long way towards reviving your relationship. Focus on getting closer by paying attention to the little things that you did early on, but may have started to neglect as time passed. For example, if you once gave your partner a foot rub after a long day at work, pick that habit back up again. If you notice that you never say “thank you” for the little things they do, start showing your appreciation.
Be open about your needs. Many problems arise because one partner or the other isn't getting their needs met in the relationship. Communication is key to a healthy relationship and the foundation of that involves each partner being able to tell the other what they need. Set aside time daily to talk to one another about trivial and serious topics. This will make it easier to share vulnerable statements with your partner. When you state your needs, do so simply without rationalizing. Just say, “I need to know that you care about me," or “I want reassurance." You can also ask for something more specific, such as, “I'd like to hear you say that you love me a few times a week.” Don't expect your partner to read your mind or automatically know how to meet your requests. Give recommendations for how they can meet your needs.
Practice active listening skills. Both individuals want to feel heard in a relationship, so make an effort to become better listeners. When you and your partner discuss serious issues relating to your relationship, act as if it's an important appointment (because it is!). Mute your phones, turn off the TV, and give one another your full attention. As each person is talking, try to hear the entire message. Before responding with your own thoughts, ask clarifying questions or summarize to be sure you heard right.
Make time for romance and affection. The spark in your relationship may wax and wane over time. But, it's your job to keep it burning by committing to intimate one-on-one time. This may translate to a date night once a week, an endearing phone call before bed every night, or a kiss each day before going to school or work.
Support your individual needs. It's also important to have time alone or away from your partner to support yourself as an individual. Take time apart every now and then so that neither of you lose yourselves in the relationship. Pursue your own interests, hang out with friends or family, and nurture your health and well-being.
Knowing When It's Time to Leave
Assess your reasons for staying. Have you thought about why you wanted to prevent your partner from breaking up with you? Think long and hard about your reasons. Question your intentions behind staying in the relationship. Consider if you reasons are beneficial for both you and your partner or if they are merely selfish. For example, you might have chosen to stay in the relationship only because you fear being single. Or you might try to prevent the breakup because you don't want to be the one getting dumped.
Say “no” to abuse. Abusive behavior shouldn't be tolerated. If your partner is physically, sexually, verbally, or emotionally abusive, you are doing yourself a favor by leaving. It can be frightening to leave an abusive partner, but many people do it every day. Reach out to friends, family, or resources in your community to help you get the confidence you need to leave an abusive relationship.
Watch out for codependency issues. If you are in a relationship with an addict or someone with unhealthy behavioral patterns, your feelings of responsibility for the person may keep you from walking away. Being codependent may mean a good part of your self-worth is tied to caring for and supporting your partner. Such a relationship is unhealthy. Learn to recognize signs of codependency. Then, see a therapist privately to work on breaking the bonds that keep you in a toxic partnership.
End a breakup and makeup cycle once and for all. Some couples have a way of breaking up and making up over and over again. This is yet another unhealthy relationship pattern. If you or your partner has good reason to leave the relationship, you shouldn't keep defaulting on the decision. Make the difficult decision to leave for good. End this cycle by getting real about the problems in your relationship. Don't rationalize or down-play what's making you unhappy. Work to improve other areas of your life, so you don't end up running back to your partner. Rebuild old friendships, find a passion, or commit to a new goal that makes your life more fulfilling without your partner. It may also help to see a counselor individually to address any fears you have of leaving your partner or of being alone.
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