How to Navigate a Homoerotic Friendship

What is a homoerotic friendship?

A homoerotic friendship is a relationship between two people of the same gender who have romantic feelings for each other, but don’t admit to it. These feelings usually go unacknowledged because one or both friends may fear ruining the friendship by opening up about their feelings or are struggling to accept their queer sexuality (or both). These friendships are often really intimate (minus sexual contact), and the people in the friendship may be more blind to the intensity of their relationship than outsiders. The intensity and repressed feelings in these relationships can sometimes turn toxic or codependent, causing the friendship to end in a blowout (for example, when one friend decides to pursue a hetero relationship and the other feels very jealous or hurt). Sometimes, these romantic feelings are never acknowledged or expressed until after the friendship ends or it’s “too late” (like if one friend gets married to someone else). “Homoerotic friendship” isn’t a formal term. It’s used mostly in conversation or online discourse about the nature of queer friendships.

Homoerotic friendships occur among all genders, but may be more common in women. In general, female friendships are more intimate, intuitive, and supportive than male friendships, plus it’s often more socially acceptable for women to have very close bonds with each other than men. So, it may be more common that queer women form deep friendships and develop feelings for each other, but hide their feelings to preserve the friendship (especially if they don’t know how the other feels or identifies). They may also be in denial about their sexuality and assume their feelings are just part of a “normal” female friendship. Men can definitely have these relationships too, but homophobia and stigmas around close, platonic male friendships being perceived as gay or “perverted” make it less likely that closeted queer men will form these kinds of friendships.

Signs You Might Be in a Homoerotic Friendship

A homoerotic friendship feels like a romantic one, minus the sexual part. No two friendships are exactly alike, so everyone’s experience with a homoerotic friendship can be different. However, here are some common signs you might be (know that some of these might be way more obvious to people outside your relationship than to either of you): You spend lots of your free time together. You spend a lot of your time apart texting or messaging each other. You look for reasons to touch each other unnecessarily (hand holding, playing with each other’s hair, etc.). Contact like hugs or hand touches feel longer and more charged than with platonic friends. You might give each other affectionate kisses on the cheek, lips, or other non-sexual areas. You might cuddle, sleep next to each other, or embrace each other in a romantically charged way without crossing the line into sexual touching. Your exchanges frequently tow the line between friendly and flirty. There’s an underlying tension that doesn’t seem to have a different or obvious cause. Your friends and family sometimes joke about or think of you as being together. You might feel overall confused about how your friend feels about you or where you stand as friends. You feel jealous or hurt when your friend gives romantic attention to someone else. You don’t talk about your feelings, impulses, or touching with each other.

Navigating a Homoerotic Friendship

Reflect on your feelings for your friend. The first step is getting clear on what exactly you feel for your friend. Queer relationships don’t have to be “just” friends or lovers—in fact, there’s a term, queerplatonic relationships, for the feeling of being more intimate than “ordinary” friends, but not quite romantic partners. Queer platonic relationships exist on a spectrum. For example, you might be: Very close friends, and you occasionally have a flash of romantic feelings. Very close friends, and you feel as if they’re your almost soulmate (however, your relationship isn’t built on a sexual connection). Very close friends, and you sometimes have or want a physical relationship. Very close friends, and you have some or many romantic feelings without needing or wanting to be full romantic partners. Every queerplatonic relationship is different, so think about what you really feel.

Consider whether you want to pursue your feelings or not. Once you know how you feel, you have 2 choices: tell your friend or don’t. Think about whether your feelings are passing or permanent (for example, do you only want to kiss them when you’re drunk at a party, or do you feel the urge during more private or intimate moments?). Then, think about whether you’re excited by your feelings or not and how your friend might react to them. If the idea of being something more excites you and feels like more than a fleeting urge, then consider working up the courage to talk to your friend about it or spend some time trying to decipher whether they might feel the same about you. However, if you don’t think your feelings are that deep or long-lasting, it might be worth it to you to keep them a secret. This is entirely up to you and your emotional needs. The longer you stay in this gray area, the more time you have to develop your own feelings while not knowing how your friend will react or if they have similar feelings. This could lead to harder rejection later if they don’t feel the same way.

Tell your friend about your feelings and ask about theirs (if you choose). You won’t know for sure how your friend feels if you don’t ask them and tell them how you feel, too; they may deflect if you only state your feelings without asking them directly. So, find a time when the two of you can have some privacy and are in a comfortable location to have the talk. You might say something like “I’ve got something important and kind of heavy to tell you, but it’s important to me to be honest with you.” Then, share your feelings. Tell them that your friendship is incredibly valuable and that you don’t want to jeopardize it. Assuming they feel the same way, they will understand where you’re coming from (even if they don’t return your more-than-friends feelings). Of course, it’s always possible they will reject you, either because they don’t feel the same way, don’t want to damage the friendship, or haven’t got a firm grasp on their sexuality. Accept their feelings and try not to become angry; they’re being honest with you, just like you were honest with them.

Communicate frequently and expect some awkwardness if you start dating. If you decide to pursue a relationship after your talk, agree right away that your relationship is a space to communicate your thoughts and feelings without judgment. It can be uncomfortable and challenging to transition from friends to lovers, so let yourself be vulnerable and share your ups and downs with them (and listen to theirs, too). Becoming lovers (physically and emotionally) can feel weird at first since you only know each other as friends. That’s totally normal! Be patient, acknowledge it, and try to laugh at it when it comes up—with time, it’ll pass. Keep your relationship private in these early stages so you can focus on what just the two of you want and need. Outside judgment or advice can be tricky to balance in the beginning.

Prioritize your friendship above all else. Starting a relationship with a friend is a risk, so make an agreement early on that you’ll do what it takes to preserve your friendship (without friendship, it’s hard to have a fulfilling relationship!). This might mean taking a break (or several) from romance to work through your feelings or discomfort. But, making an agreement to do so gives you both the security to continue experimenting and seeing where your relationship goes.

Try not to force your friendship into a binary box. You may feel like your friendship needs to be either platonic or romantic (binaries are so inconvenient, aren’t they?), but this isn’t necessarily the case. Whether you decide to open up to your friend or not, the gray area can be a meaningful place to explore your feelings without judgment; they might ebb and flow, feeling crystal clear one day and confusing the next. All of this is OK and natural. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to explore your feelings, especially when you’re in uncharted relationship waters. Embrace the confusion! Your friendship is unique to the two of you, your bond, and what makes you happy. If it works for you, then it’s right!

The Takeaway: Define Your Own Relationship

Queer friendships don’t always map onto traditional relationship patterns, and that’s OK! At the end of the day, the only people in the relationship are you two—if you’re happy in your friendship (as blurry and messy as it may feel sometimes), then that’s all that matters. The difference between platonic and romantic love isn’t always as clear cut as it is in straight world, and queer people are often taught to be ashamed of their desires and needs. So, try not to force your feelings into a binary box; your friendship might be platonic, romantic, or somewhere in between. Regardless, you have the chance to form your own unique type of bond, and that can be exciting and rewarding.