Gaining Trust
Gain a girl’s trust in the same ways you gain it from anyone. Gaining the trust of the girl you like, of the old friend you’ve let down, or of the husband you’ve betrayed are not all that different. Assuming that girls / young women have special requirements for gaining trust can easily devolve into stereotyping and unfair generalizations. Instead, universal advice like that provided by How to Build Trust makes a good starting point for anyone. In it, the basic requirements for earning trust include: Being reliable. Being honest. Being open. Showing integrity. More specific ideas about how to get a girl to trust you should draw from basic building blocks like these.
Assume she’s been let down before. There’s a good chance that the old saying “once bitten, twice shy” may apply to your girl. At some point, she’s probably had her trust betrayed by someone important to her, and therefore may be hesitant to take the chance of being hurt again. Don’t take it personally if she is hesitant to trust you because of past disappointments. Accept the challenge to work even harder to earn her trust. For instance, getting help from “references” — mutual friends or acquaintances who can speak to your trustworthiness — may help you break through the walls of skepticism created by previous betrayals. Gather as much evidence as possible that you can be trusted, but expect your own words and actions to be most important.
Be clear with your intentions. It is always easier to trust someone who is clear and unequivocal about his intentions, be it in business, in love, or in life. Evasiveness or deception about your real interest in a girl will make it easy for her to withhold her trust. In relationship terms, be up-front about whether you are just seeking some short-term fun, hope for something more lasting, or simply aren’t sure where you see things heading. If you have any genuine care or respect for that girl you met at a party, for example, don’t lead her on by saying you’re interested in a long-term relationship if you are not. Show trust in her by being honest from the start, and you’ll be more likely to earn her trust in return.
Be true to yourself. Don’t try to be someone you are not in order to draw the interest of a girl, and then expect to be able to gain her trust. Even if you manage to “fool” her temporarily, she will eventually see through this fabrication, and then it will be nearly impossible to earn her trust after you have deceived her right from the start. Be confident in who you are, and expect that to be good enough to score her affections and, eventually, her trust. It is much easier to trust someone who looks, talks, and acts like someone who is comfortable in his or her “own skin.” If you know you are trustworthy, she will eventually see it too.
Follow through on your promises. Reliability is always a critical factor in building trust, whether from a co-worker or a romantic interest. She needs to believe you’ll do what you say you’ll do (and not do what you say you won’t), each and every time. That is the kind of person who is easy to trust. Be consistent in what you say and do. If you say you’ll pick her up at 7 o’clock, do it. If you promise to drop a bad habit that bothers her, work as hard as you can to do so. Her trust will be the reward for your efforts.
Be appropriately affectionate. Lots of girls out there (and guys, for that matter) appreciate an unsolicited hug, a hand to hold, a gentle kiss, or a shoulder to cry on. Proving that you understand her wants and needs, and that you are always “there for her,” will put you on the fast track toward earning her trust. Of course, realizing that she isn’t a hugger, or showing that you know and accept her current limits on the physical nature of your relationship, can also build trust. Sometimes what you don’t do is just as important as what you do in order to gain trust. If she feels like you don’t understand her, or are pressuring her to move things forward, she is more likely to withhold her trust.
Communicate with trust. Trust is almost impossible to build without regular, open, and honest communication. Prove yourself to be an active, involved, and interested listener, and speak to her thoughtfully and truthfully about your feelings, and you will slowly but surely gain her trust. In the business world, people have found that certain simple, direct phrases tend to help build trust with co-workers or clients. The same concept holds true in personal relationships as well. Phrases like “thank you,” “yes,” “I will,” “What do you think?”, “I trust your judgment,” and “I understand” are unequivocal and demonstrate a focus on the other person’s needs.
Regaining Trust
Don’t take it for granted. It turns out that trust is a lot like everyone’s favorite nursery rhyme egg, Humpty Dumpty: it’s easy to break, and very hard to rebuild afterward. Once you’ve betrayed a girl’s trust, “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” may not be enough to get it back. Sometimes you’ll just have to accept that it is lost forever. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try your hardest to earn it back. Never assume that you deserve a second chance, especially if you have seriously betrayed her trust, such as by cheating on her. Earning trust is hard, and re-earning it is that much more difficult. Don’t fool yourself about the substantial effort it will take on your part, and the reality that it may not be enough not matter what you do. EXPERT TIP Allen Wagner, MFT, MA Allen Wagner, MFT, MA Marriage & Family Therapist Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates. Allen Wagner, MFT, MA Allen Wagner, MFT, MA Marriage & Family Therapist If you or your partner has cheated, consider working through your issues in therapy. Marriage and family therapist Allen Wagner says: "If a partner has cheated, the couple should definitely go to therapy. It's not something you're going to solve on your own, and if you try, the trauma and resentment can build up to the point that you can't overcome it. You need a third party there to help you be transparent and rebuild trust. A therapist can also help you understand why one partner cheated. A lot of times it occurs because that person needed to feel validated."
Come clean but don’t obsess over the details. The first step to regaining trust is always to be completely honest (to her and to yourself) about what you did to lose it in the first place. Think long and hard about why you did the thing that broke her trust, and be prepared to patiently answer her questions and accept her anger and sadness. Never try to downplay what you have done to break her trust. It is serious business, and you need to always treat it as such if you want any shot at regaining her trust. That said, once you’ve “come clean,” try not to obsess over why you did it or the “gory details.” At some point, both of you have to be able to move forward if trust is to be rebuilt. You can’t control her pace in moving past it, but you can control yours.
Apologize unconditionally. Never make excuses for your indiscretions that have caused a loss of trust. You screwed up, it was your fault and yours alone, and now it is up to you to do everything you can to rebuild what your actions have broken. As with coming clean with all the details, a full apology is necessary to “clean the slate” before you can begin working to restore trust. Saying “Sorry I messed up. I promise I won’t do it again” will not cut it. Try something more like: “I am very sorry that I lied to you about something so important. I know how much it has hurt you, and it is all my fault. I hope you will give me the chance to earn your forgiveness and regain your trust, even if I don’t deserve it right now.”
Forgive yourself. Sometimes people can become so focused on admitting their errors and begging for forgiveness that they never get around to forgiving themselves. We all make stupid mistakes, and hurt people we care about. Without minimizing the seriousness of what you’ve done, you need to be able to accept it and leave it behind if you hope to move forward. If you can’t get past it, she’ll definitely never be able to. Regaining trust is hard work, and requires you to make real changes in your life. If you’re too busy still punishing yourself for screwing up, you won’t be able to put the work in that is necessary to regain her trust. Remember, you can’t take back what you’ve done. All you can do is try to make amends for it and prove that you’ve learned from this mistake and won’t repeat it.
Be patient and understanding. Earning forgiveness and regaining trust take time, and they have to happen at the pace set by the person who has been harmed. Your actions and words will help determine if the process succeeds, but you can’t force things along. Sometimes, all you can do is wait and hope. Expect setbacks in the process. Things may seem like they are going well, and then all of a sudden she can’t stand to look at you again. The truth is that the sting of a betrayal is never going to completely vanish, and like any old injury, you have to accept that the pain is going to “flare up” every so often, and sometimes for no apparent reason.
Work together. You broke her trust, and you have to do much of the heavy lifting in order to stand a chance of getting it back. However, she has to be willing to put in the effort as well. Only by working together can trust be restored. If she can’t or won’t join you in making the effort to rebuild things, take that as a sign that the break is irreparable. If open and honest communication is important to building trust, it is even more vital to rebuilding it. Be willing to talk and listen a lot. Don’t hold back, and encourage her to do the same. Consider engaging the help of a therapist or counselor trained in dealing with broken relationships. If she raises the idea, never hesitate to agree. If it’s your idea, give her the time and space to consider it.
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