Talking with Your Parents
Talk with them about your boyfriend. Instead of hiding the fact that you’re seeing someone, discuss with your parents about your boyfriend when the relationship becomes more serious. Tell them more about him, and how long you’ve been dating. Open communication with your parents will likely feel better and healthier for you in the long run. If you are fearful that they will disapprove, be calm and polite. Focus on showing them why he is a good fit for you, and what you like about him. Explain how your relationship will not interfere with your work, life, or school.
Listen to their perspective. While hearing that they don’t like your boyfriend may be tough, give them a chance to explain themselves. Have them provide clarity about why he’s a bad fit for you. While you may not like what your parents have to say, sometimes it comes from a place of wisdom. Ask them why they have an issue with your boyfriend. Are they worried that your boyfriend doesn’t respect you? Are they concerned about the way he talks to you? Do they think that he’s controlling? If this is the case, these may be serious concerns to consider.
Avoid being immediately defensive. While you may want to talk back to your parents, and provide criticism about their choices, this will not help you get any closer to having your parents like your boyfriend. Being overly defensive will likely make them even less approving of your relationship with him. Avoid putting your parents down or stating that their views are wrong. Tell them that you love them. Explain that you came to them for support rather than judgment. Focus on being calm even if they make you upset.
Respond to their concerns with respect. Your parents or family history may be rooted in certain traditions or norms. It may seem like they are outdated in their views or don’t understand your perspective. While there may be differences, focus on keeping a positive relationship with them. Even if you and your parents disagree, that doesn’t mean you should be rude and disrespectful of their concerns. If you are kind, mature, and respectful, they are more likely to take your relationship seriously, and try to find the positives in your boyfriend. EXPERT TIP "Be the bigger person. This will show them that you are in the right and that they are the ones being unreasonable." Elvina Lui, MFT Elvina Lui, MFT Relationship Expert Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model. Elvina Lui, MFT Elvina Lui, MFTRelationship Expert
Introducing Your Boyfriend
Prep your boyfriend about expectations. Before introducing your boyfriend to your family, provide him with your family’s possible expectations. By prepping your boyfriend for certain behaviors and questions, then he may feel less overwhelmed and more at ease. Avoid blindsiding your boyfriend about how your parents may act. Provide him with reassurance. Teach him ways to win your parents over. Good manners in particular will help. Consider asking him to dress up for the first meeting with your parents. Tell your boyfriend to avoid cursing or crude language that could bother your parents. Tell your boyfriend what to call your parents, such as Mr. and Mrs. Smith or by their first names if less formal.
Have introductions in low pressure settings. When you and your boyfriend meet up with your parents, make the settings less awkward or uncomfortable. Find ways for your boyfriend to meet your parents well before a big family gathering or a holiday dinner. Make the interactions seem natural between your boyfriend and your parents, rather than awkward, big events. Have opportunities for you and your boyfriend to meet your parents at home or at a family dinner on a Sunday night. Consider having your parents meet you and your boyfriend at a neutral place like a shopping mall or a restaurant. The interactions between your boyfriend and your parents don’t have to be long, but should help to put both sides more at ease.
Find ways to connect your parents’ interests to your boyfriend. Just like when you meet new people. You’re more likely to enjoy being with someone who has common interests. Figure out ways to connect the hobbies, interests, and personalities of your parents to your boyfriend. For example, let’s say that your boyfriend is soccer sports fan and watches other sports. Maybe your parents are devoted sports fans. Even if they aren’t fans of the same team or sport, there may be things that they can talk about. Or let’s say that your boyfriend plays a musical instrument, and your parents love jazz, you could see if your boyfriend could play a song that they enjoy.
Finding Common Ground
Avoid taking sides. You may feel torn between your parents and your boyfriend. But it’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong. It about reconstructing each side’s ideas about each other. Focus on being understanding. Tell you parents that ultimatums will likely be less helpful than having your parents get know your boyfriend. Find ways to see compromise as a benefit for them and your boyfriend. Remind your parents that you love them, and you’re not trying to hurt them with your choice of boyfriend.
Ask for mutual respect from your parents. It may be hard to understand your parents’ ways or beliefs. They may seem to show little respect for your own choices. Try to take the high road and focus on being kind even if it’s tough. Show them that you can be respectful, even if you continue to see your boyfriend. Avoid alienating yourself from your family just because they say they don’t like your boyfriend. Understand that their thoughts about your boyfriend may change with time. If you continue to be kind, polite, and mature, they are likely to be less overbearing about your boyfriend. Treat them as you would like to be treated.
Find ways for your boyfriend to feel more included in your family. Even if your family may be initially hesitant to include your boyfriend, find ways to have your boyfriend become more integrated into your family’s life. If your parents say they don’t want to see him, don’t assume that they will always act that way. Your parents may feel initial shock or worry when meeting a new boyfriend of yours. It may simply take time for them to feel more comfortable. Make your boyfriend feel welcome at your home or in your life. Provide your boyfriend with reassurance that your parents may change their minds with time.
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