How to Deal With Big Sisters

Dealing with Conflict

Explain your feelings. If you’re upset with an older sister, it’s usually best to be honest and explain what’s bothering you. Keeping it to yourself usually causes your hurt and anger to grow, leaving you more likely to blow up at her at some point. Because she’s older, your sister will hopefully be mature enough to listen to your side without getting too defensive. Stay calm as you’re discussing your feelings. Your sister is unlikely to listen to you if you start yelling and shouting. To keep her from feeling defensive, use “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say “When I feel like I’m not being listened to, it hurts my feelings.” If your sister raises her voice or speaks to you harshly, politely ask her to stop. Make it clear that you want to have a conversation, not an argument. For example, you might say, "I don't want to fight. Let's try to calm down so we can actually listen to each other."

Let her express her emotions. If your sister is upset with you, ask her to explain her feelings so you can understand where she’s coming from. Try to be patient, and really absorb what she’s saying so you're better able to address the problem. Avoid interrupting her and trying to defend yourself while she's talking too. Don’t be afraid to ask her to clarify what she’s saying to ensure that you really understand her feelings. For example, you might say, "I really want to understand what you're saying. Do you mean that you feel disrespected when I borrow your things without asking?" If you find that your mind is wandering while your sister is venting, bring the focus back to her by repeating what she’s saying in your head. Make sure to put it in your own words, so you're sure that you understand what she’s saying.

Avoid getting physical. When you’re upset with your sister or she’s upset with you, it’s common for both of you to get frustrated. If that happens, anger often boils over, and someone may be tempted to do something physical, such as shoving, hitting, or kicking. You’re never going to resolve a conflict with violence, though, so it’s important to do everything you can to prevent it. If your sister becomes violent during the course of your discussion, walk away immediately. Don’t be tempted to fight back, or your conflict will only become worse. Tempers may occasionally flare, but if your sister often resorts to hurting you because she’s bigger and stronger, you’re dealing with sibling abuse. Tell someone that you trust, such as your parents, grandparents, or a teacher. When you feel yourself losing your patience and contemplating hurting your sister, try counting to 10 in your head. That can often give you enough time to get your anger under control, so you don't wind up doing something that you’ll regret.

Come up with a compromise. The best way to resolve a conflict is to find a solution that satisfies both parties, which means comprising. For example, if you’re upset because your older sister never lets you borrow her clothes and she’s angry because you sometimes take her clothing without her permission, see if she’ll identify a few items that you’re allowed to occasionally borrow as long as you promise to ask first. Whatever solution you come up with, make sure that you’re meeting each other in the middle. You have to be willing to give something up when you compromise, so don’t expect your sister to do all the giving. The goal is to find a way for both of you to get a little bit of what you want. You might introduce the idea of a compromise to your sister by saying something like, "Maybe we can find a way for both of us to be happy. What if we try this?" When you’re arguing with your older sister, it’s usually best if the two of you can resolve the situation with your own compromise. If you involve your parents, one or both of you may wind up punished.

Establish boundaries. In many cases, conflicts will arise with your older sister because one or both of you don’t understand the other’s limits. For example, you might get annoyed when your sister calls you names, while your sister may not like it when you mimic her and repeat everything she says. To avoid problems in the future, sit down and explain your boundaries to your sister -- but you must be willing to accept hers as well. Your boundaries don’t just have include behaviors that you don’t like during an argument. You and your sister should discuss all of the things that you don’t like, such as entering one another’s rooms without knocking or borrowing one another’s belongings and not returning them. Be direct when you're explaining your boundaries, so your sister knows what will happen if she crosses them. For example, you might say, "If you call me a loser, I'm going to walk away from our conversation." It may be a good idea to actually write down a list the boundaries that you’ve discussed. Make two copies so you each have one, and neither of you can claim that you didn’t know or understand any of the things that you’ve discussed.

Bonding with Older Sisters

Don’t make comparisons. Because your sister is older, she’ll have done many things before you, and it’s only natural that you’ll sometimes compare yourself to her. For example, you’ll compare your B+ in Algebra to her A-, or the fact that played first chair in orchestra while you were third. Comparing yourself to her in that way is one of the surest ways to create resentment and conflict between you, so do your best to remind yourself that you’re your own person and avoid those comparisons. You shouldn’t make your sister feel bad about herself by making comparisons either. Whether the comparison makes you look good or not, it can cause trouble in your relationship.

Give her space. Everyone needs time and space to be by themselves sometimes. To make sure that the two of you get along, it’s a good idea to give her time alone on a regular basis. Remember that you don’t need to spend every minute together to have a good relationship. Your sister isn’t the only one who can benefit from time alone. Make sure to take some time for yourself too. If you share a room, talk to your sister about coming up with a schedule where each of you gets a couple of hours or so a week of private time. You can do the same with shared spaces in the house, such as the family room or game room. Don’t try to tag along every time that your older sister goes out. Understand that sometimes she just wants to hang out with her friends.

Respect each other’s belongings. Most people are protective of their things, such as clothing, jewelry, books, and headphones, so if you and your older sister aren’t respectful of one another’s belongings, it can be a major source of conflict. Part of being a good little sister or brother is making sure that you never borrow your sister’s things without her permission, and always return them in the same condition. You should also make it clear to your sister that you expect the same from her. If you’re not sure whether you’re being respectful of your sister’s things, just ask yourself, “Would I want her to treat my stuff like this?” Respecting one another’s belonging doesn’t just involve the things that you borrow. Don’t go snooping through her stuff to read her diary or take her phone to see who’s texting.

Find common interests. Even if your sister is several years older, there are bound to be some things that you have in common. Whether it’s a sport that you both play or a TV show that you both watch, a shared interest is an ideal thing for the two of you to bond over -- and a way to ensure that you always have something to talk about. If you're struggling to begin a conversation with your sister, start with your shared interest. Ask her a question about it, such as "What did you think of that episode/game last night?," so she has the opportunity to share her opinion.

Make a date. If you want to have a good relationship with your older sister, it’s important that you both make time for one another. That’s why it helps to set up a weekly or monthly “date” that you set aside to spend time with one another. You might go for a hike every Sunday afternoon or plan a movie night every Thursday. Even a regular trip to the mall can be fun with your sister. Working on a joint project together can be a good way to spend time together. For example, you might agree to make dinner for the family together once a week. It’s also a good idea to set aside some time each month just to support one another. You might go to your sister’s soccer match, while she attends your dance recital, so you’re both taking an active interest in the other’s life.

Involving Your Parents

Push for ground rules. While you probably want to leave your parents out of conflicts with your sister whenever possible, they can play an important role in maintaining harmony between the two of your. Ask your parents to establish ground rules so both you and your older sister understand exactly what sort of behavior is tolerated in your home. Even more importantly, though, make sure your parents establish what the consequences are for breaking the rules. If you're not sure what how to ask your parents for comprehensive rules, you might say, "I want to make sure that we all know what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. Could you please set down some ground rules?" You may want to ask your parents to establish a procedure for how to report rule violations too. You don’t want your sister to accuse you of tattling every time you try to alert your parents to her behavior.

Ask to limit hand-me-downs. One of the worst parts of being a younger sibling is having to deal with hand-me-downs. Whether it’s clothing, sports equipment, or electronics, it’s no fun when you’re always getting your sister’s old things while she gets new items just because she’s older. Explain to your parents how you feel, and see if it’s possible to limit the number of hand-me-downs that you receive. It’s important to be mindful of the fact that money sometimes plays a role in how many hand-me-downs you get. Don’t expect your parents to buy you all new items if your sister’s are still in good condition. If you're unsure how to broach the subject with your parents, you might say, "It really makes me feel like an afterthought when I have to wear all of my sister's old clothes.May I pick out a new shirt/dress/pair of pants for the party next week?"

Suggest family meetings. The best way to ensure that everyone in the family gets along is to set aside a specific time to address concerns and problems. Ask your parents if you can hold weekly or monthly family meetings where everyone can talk about what’s bothering them. That way, if there’s an issue with your sister that she’s not aware of or vice versa, you have neutral ground to discuss it, with your parents on hand to moderate. Explain to your parents that you think it's important for everyone in the family to have a chance to share their feelings. You might say, "I think we'll all be able to get along better if we clear the air on a regular basis." You don’t want family meetings to have a confrontational feel, so it often helps to make them feel more casual and fun. You might hold them on a night when you’re eating out as a family or having pizza delivered. That can help make the meeting something that you all look forward to.