How to Call Someone You Haven't Talked to in a Long Time

Text first to re-establish contact.

A lot of people won't answer a phone call they're not expecting. This is especially true if it's been years since you last talked to the person. You want to at least make sure you have the right number, first of all. And you also want to allow them to prepare for the conversation. You might text, "Hey Sarah, this is Lucy from law school. Not sure if you still have my number. I was thinking about you the other day and wondered what you were up to. I'd love to reconnect!" If you never texted the person before, an email might work better. Social media is another low-key way to reconnect if texting or calling out of the blue just doesn't feel right.

Reference a social media post of theirs.

Social media provides plenty of reasons to reach out. You might be connected to an old friend on social media, but passively liking each others' posts or even occasionally commenting isn't the same as a friendship. Still, you can use those posts to spark a conversation. Here are a few possibilities: "OMG I just saw your anniversary pictures! I can't believe you've already been married for 5 years—it seems like the wedding was just yesterday!" "I can't believe you went to Paris. Your photos are amazing! I'd love to hear more about your trip."

Use a special occasion as an excuse.

A birthday or anniversary is a good time to rekindle a friendship. If your social media reminds you of someone's birthday and you haven't spoken to them in a while, just send them a message! It'll only take a minute and it's a fun way to re-establish contact. You might say, "Hey, I saw it was your birthday. Hope you've had a wonderful day. Look, I know we haven't talked in a while, but I'd love to catch up!" Other holidays work for this as well. For example: "Happy New Year, my friend! My resolution is to not let another year go by without hanging out with you."

Explain your silence.

Let them know that you've had a lot on your plate. It's easy to understand how you can get caught up in life and let a few things fall by the wayside. If you've had a lot going on or things have been particularly stressful, you might not have had the time to maintain a friendship. Here are some ways you can briefly explain the situation: "I've been so busy the past few months I can barely keep my head above water. But I did see the video you sent me—so funny! How have you been?" "I saw your message but I got sidetracked and forgot about it. Things have been wild. Care to catch up?"

Acknowledge that it's been a while.

This is more honest than pretending that no time has passed. The length of time since you last talked to the person is the proverbial elephant in the room—it's awkward, but not mentioning it can make things even more awkward. Just mention it briefly, then move on. You might say: "Gosh, I just realized it's been 5 years since we last spoke. Time flies! What have you been up to?" "Long time, no see! Can you believe it's been 3 years? It would be so great to chat again."

Apologize if you feel it's necessary.

An apology can ease any guilt that you're feeling. One apology is enough if you feel like you were at fault and want to get that off your chest. But remember that any disconnect is a two-way street—they didn't make any effort to keep in touch with you either. Focus on your feelings instead of putting them on the defensive or making them think you contacted them out of guilt. Here are some things you might say: "I'm sorry I did such a bad job of keeping in touch after the wedding!" "I'm sorry I didn't reach out to you sooner. I felt weird after you moved away." "I feel so awful I haven't texted or called you more. I miss you so much!"

Be upfront if you're calling for a specific reason.

They'll be more likely to respond if you're honest. Look at it from the other person's point of view: if someone messages you out of the blue after years, you might wonder what they want. Don't worry about being that person who only contacts people if you want something—most people like to be helpful. "Hi Sarah, it's Jane from law school. I know we haven't talked since graduation, but I'm getting ready to move to Chicago. Do you still live there? I'm looking for recommendations on neighborhoods to live in." "Austin! This is Mark—we met at DragonCon last year. Do you still work with Fantasy Films? I have a friend who just applied there and is looking for some tips."

Tell them why they popped in your head.

This puts your call in context and makes it seem less random. After all, there has to be some reason, right? Even if it's as simple as looking at old photos or hearing an old song. They'll likely feel special when they hear it. For example, you might say: "I was in a bar and someone put that Journey song on the jukebox. Of course, I instantly thought of you. How've you been?" "My partner and I were playing Ticket to Ride last night and I remembered how much fun we had playing it in grad school. What've you been up to?"

Bring up an old memory.

Reminiscing together can get rid of the awkwardness of reconnecting. When in doubt, an old memory or inside joke is sure to warm your friend's heart. If things feel a bit stiff between you, just think back to the time when you were close. For example, you might say: "Oh man, remember when we went to the state fair that one year? I will never forget your face covered in powdered sugar from that funnel cake." Wow, remember when we saw that band with that awesome electric violinist? Did you know he's still performing?"

Send a photo that reminds you of them.

Old photos and videos are a great way to reconnect with a lost friend. This may even have been the reason you got the idea to reach out to them in the first place, so why not share it? If nothing else, they'll be grateful that you took the time to send it to them. You could also post the photo or video on social media and tag them, but you're much more likely to get their attention if you send it to them directly. Plus, it's more private and personal that way.

Ask questions about their life.

Show them that you're curious about what they've been up to. Pay close attention to their response and ask follow-up questions to learn more about the person they are now. If you haven't spoken to them in years, be prepared for the fact that they might've changed a lot since you were close. Here are some ideas to start you off: "Last time we talked you had just graduated law school. Did you take the bar exam? What are you doing now?" "I heard you recently got engaged. Tell me more about your partner—it's so wonderful to see you so happy!"

Find out if they'd like to meet up.

Give them an out so it's less awkward if they decline. A face-to-face meetup or a video chat is a great way to re-establish a friendship. At the same time, neither of you has talked to each other in years, and that might not be entirely an accident. Broach the topic after you've been chatting a bit. Here are some things you might say: "Would you be interested in a video chat? I realize it's been forever, so if you're not down, I totally understand. I hope you're doing well." "Listen, would you want to grab a cup of coffee tomorrow? I'm sure you're super busy. If this isn't a good time for you, I get it."

Keep expectations in check.

During the time that's passed, both of you have grown and changed. It's totally possible that you'll rekindle your friendship and become as close as you once were. But it's also possible that you've just grown apart—and there's nothing wrong with that. If the person is open to reconnecting with you, make an effort to get to know them as the person they are now, rather than constantly reminiscing about the people the two of you were back when you were close. It's possible the person won't ever respond to you, or that they'll have no desire to reconnect with you. That can be hard to deal with, but remember that they're a different person now.