Tackling Your Reservations
Pay attention to your insecurities. Everybody feels shy or insecure from time to time, but if you feel inhibited by your shyness, it is probably because you have been telling yourself you are somehow inadequate. These feelings of inadequacy are reinforced on a daily basis by the negative things you constantly tell yourself. Learn to pay attention to negative thoughts and distinguish the rational thoughts from irrational ones. Do you constantly tell yourself you're unattractive? Do you tell yourself you're boring? That you're weird? Irresponsible? Negative thoughts like these are what keep you from feeling confident enough to be a social person. More importantly, they keep you from living a fulfilling life. Until you've addressed your insecurities and told yourself you're a worthy person, you won't be able to truly socialize. Sometimes we get so accustomed to these negative thoughts that we no longer notice them. Start paying attention to the kinds of thoughts you are having.
Learn to cope with your negative thoughts. Once you have learned to recognize when you are having a negative thought, you can slowly train yourself to silence these thoughts so that they no longer inhibit your life. When you catch yourself having a negative thought, try one of the following exercises: First, acknowledge that the thought is there. Now, close your eyes, and visualize the thought in your mind's eye. Label it as a "negative" thought, and then let it slowly dissolve until it disappears completely. Turn a negative thought into a constructive one. Let's say you're overweight, for example. Instead of constantly telling yourself "I'm fat," tell yourself "I'd like to lose weight and get healthy so that I'll have more energy and feel more attractive." This way, you can turn a negative thought into a positive goal for the future. For every negative thought, think of three positive thoughts. Being a positive person will also make it much easier for you to socialize and make friends. Nobody wants to be friends with a Negative Nancy.
Make a list of your positive qualities. Unfortunately, we spend so much time trying to improve ourselves that we forget to acknowledge our accomplishments, our talents, and our good nature. Talk to people you trust to find out what they think your most positive traits are. Then, ask yourself the following questions to help get your list started: What have you done in the past year that you are proud of? What is your proudest accomplishment of all time? What unique talents do you have? What do people tend to compliment you on? What positive impact have you made on other peoples' lives?
Stop comparing yourself to others. Part of the reason why people struggle with insecurity is that they compare their own "low" points with other peoples' "high" points. In other words, they compare the negative qualities of their own lives with the positive qualities of other peoples' lives. Keep in mind that behind closed doors, everybody experiences pain or suffering from time to time. If you find yourself wondering why certain people seem happier than you, remind yourself that happiness has little to do with external circumstances, and everything to do with attitude. Consider turning off or taking a break from social media. Social media sites can inhibit your will to go out and be social in person. They also encourage you to compare your day-to-day life with the filtered and edited high points of others, which may lead to depression.
Remember that you're not the center of the universe. Ironically, people who feel invisible and insecure also tend to feel like they are constantly being watched, criticized and laughed at. While you are certainly not invisible, it is irrational to think that strangers are constantly staring at you and waiting for you to mess up. People are so involved with their own lives that they have little time to notice if you do or say something embarrassing. Even if they do notice, they will likely forget the incident within an hour or two, while you may hold on to it for years. Letting go of the feeling that you are constantly being watched and judged will help you learn to ease up and relax around other people, making socializing much more pleasant. Get over the fact that everyone is always staring at you or judging you. Like you, they are more concerned about themselves than the people around them.
Get over your fear of rejection. We all have an innate need to belong and to connect. So, the worst thing that can happen is...you meet someone, and that person doesn't want to hang out with you again. Is that unpleasant? Sure. The end of the world? Absolutely not. Most of the time, this definitely will not happen. If you think that most people will reject you and are afraid of socializing because of it, then you'll be missing out on meeting a lot of amazing people. Know that you're not going to hit it off with everybody, or even most people. But think about all of the amazing relationships you can form if you just put yourself out there more. Practice saying, "So what?" when you're afraid. Then, really think about what would happen if your fear came true. This will help you question the reality of the scenarios that overcome you. Don't take people's opinions of you personally, because it's always a projection of their own internal experience. If you spend your time focusing on the negative things people might say about you, it's only going to negatively impact your self-worth.
Interacting with Others
Smile. Everybody wants to be around people who are happy and excited about life. Even if you don't feel happy all the time, force yourself to put a smile on your face from time to time. Not only will it instantly make you feel better, but it will also make other people want to be around you, talk to you, and get to know you. Smiling is especially important if you are trying to attract a person because it shows that you are a positive person who is worth meeting. Smiling may also encourage your body to release dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin, all of which can help lift your mood and make it easier for you to interact with others.
Have welcoming body language. If you are at a party or other social gathering, make sure your body language says that you want to be approached. Make eye contact with people, give them a small wave or a nod, and look in front of you instead of at your feet or the floor. Look happy and ready to talk to other people so that they are more likely to come up to you. Avoid crossing your arms, frowning, or standing in the corner. These gestures send the message that you want to be left alone, and guess what? People will leave you alone. Put your phone away. If you look busy, people won't want to interrupt you. Your body language should say that you are ready to mingle.
Be genuine. Whether you are talking to an old friend or somebody you have just met for the first time, you should always show genuine interest in the conversation. Being fully engaged not only shows that you are compassionate, but it also makes for more stimulating and fulfilling interactions with others. Don't try to tell people what they want to hear or what you think will make them like you more. Just be yourself. Avoid texting or talking on the phone when you are in the middle of a conversation, especially if the subject matter is important. Keep conversations balanced. Don't constantly talk about yourself, because this comes across as narcissistic. At the same time, being too quiet shows that you are uninterested in the conversation. You don't have to make everyone like you. "I've begun starting conversations more often and am working to not be so anxious about what I have to say. I know every person is an individual and my personality will not always be appealing to everyone. But, I'm trying to be more optimistic and smile more. It’s helping a lot." - Bea J. Let go of what you can't control. "I struggle with insecurities and the fear of failure and it holds me back. All of my friends are social and they act just like this. Since I've started using these tips, I fit in with the group much better." - Chloe J. Did you know that wikiHow has collected over 365,000 reader stories since it started in 2005? We’d love to hear from you! Share your story here.
Ask people questions about themselves. Let's face it. People love talking about themselves. And if you want to be more social and to start talking to people more, then you should show a genuine interest in people by asking how their day is going, how they're feeling, and what they have coming up. This doesn't mean you should pry or be really nosy about what they're doing and ask super personal questions. Just show that you care by asking them to open up a bit and wait for them to get you talking in turn. As people respond, practice active listening with them. Give them your full attention, and practice repeating back key points. Showing others you are paying attention when they speak is just as important as asking questions.
Be more open-minded. One of the reasons you may not be an extra social person is because you're convinced that any person you meet has nothing in common with you. Maybe you think the person is too stupid, way too cool, or too shy to really be your friend, but if you're more open-minded and give people time to open up to you, you'll see that you may have more in common than you think. Don't just give up on a person as a potential friend after one okay conversation. Talk to the person a few more times to get a better read on his or her personality. Remember that each person is unique, with their own story and background. Our differences actually make us separate individuals.
Expanding Your Social Circle
Offer invitations. If you're the type of person who always waits around for your friends to call without reciprocating, then you are not doing your part. Remember that your friends don't always know when you are expecting them to call, and they may take your shyness as disinterest in the friendship. If you'd like to see somebody, then reach out to them. Call old friends that you haven't seen in awhile and set up a time to get together. Throw a dinner party or other gathering and invite all of your friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. Invite a friend to the movies, a baseball game, a concert, or other activity.
Accept more invitations too. If people are always asking you to hang out, or even if the occasional unlikely person asks you to hang out, you should start taking their invitations seriously instead of turning them down. Don't say that you can't hang out just because you're feeling too shy or don't think you'll click with the other person; instead, think of all the other cool people you can meet at the event you've been invited to, whether it's a party, a sleepover, or a book club. Make a habit of saying yes three times for every one time you say no. This doesn't mean you have to say yes to something that sounds absolutely horrible, but accepting more invitations to spend time with your friend shows a genuine interest in the friendship and makes you a friendlier and more outgoing person. If you reject every invitation, your friend will likely think you are ditching him or her and not interested in spending time together.
Join a club or group with like-minded individuals. If you want to make new friends, you will have to look beyond the people you see daily at work or school. If you have a hobby or special interest, then join a local club or group in your area devoted to that activity. Consider joining a local sports league, book club, hiking group, or cycling team. If you don't have a hobby, then pick up a new one. Be sure to choose something that you can do with groups of people. Look at sites like Meetup.com to help you connect with groups of people who share your interests.
Meet mutual friends. Meeting friends of friends is one of the easiest ways to meet new people. Try to view each and every person you meet in your life as a "doorway" or "portal" into a new social circle. Consider throwing a party and telling all of your friends to bring guests. As a plus, you already know that you have some things in common with these people since you share a mutual friend. If a friend of yours invites you to a party or a big gathering where you don't know anybody, accept the invitation. Though it might seem intimidating, it is a wonderful opportunity to meet new people.
Don't compartmentalize your life. Try not to view your "work-life" as being separate from your "social life" as being separate from your "family life," and so on. While each of these different areas of your life certainly calls for different behavior and codes of conduct, the best way to be more social by nature is to live your life as a social creature, regardless of the environment. In other words, don't save all your socializing for parties on the weekends. Look for unique opportunities to be social. It can be as simple as asking the bank teller how he or she is doing rather than just staring at your phone and avoiding contact. Remember, socializing is a skill and every opportunity is a chance to practice. Get to know your coworkers or peers if you haven't already. Attend social events with family members. Though this might not sound like fun, you'd be surprised to learn that you can make new friends wherever you go, as long as you have the right attitude.
Make your social life a priority. No matter how much you have going on, if you want to be more social, you have to set a goal of hanging out with others at least a few times a week. Though everyone needs some alone time or goes through a very stressful week, or even a stressful month, now and again, nobody should go two weeks without socializing except in extreme circumstances. Tell yourself that no matter how tired or anti-social you may feel that you should put yourself out there no matter what.
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