How to Accept Being Unattractive

Challenging Negative Thoughts

Remember that your worth is not determined by your looks. If you are not attractive then it is not the end of the world.Think about what legacy you would like people to remember you for. Would “attractiveness” be at the top of that list? Or would qualities such as compassion, ambition, kindness, determination, and imagination be more valuable to you? Try to identify what is most important to you. Many of the people who have made a lasting influence on the world have not fit a stereotypical definition of attractiveness. Consider Mother Teresa, a woman who devoted her life to serving others. Or Stephen Hawking, who spent his life unraveling the puzzles of the universe.

Quiet your inner critic. Your brain tends to focus on unpleasant experiences and information. This is true even when you have more positive experiences than negative ones. It’s tempting to believe that inner critic that says “You aren’t tall enough” or “You aren’t good-looking enough” or whatever is telling the truth. But your brain is probably overlooking many wonderful things about you in order to focus on something negative. Try choosing a mantra, or a positive phrase that can normalize your experience and help you feel encouraged. Repeat it to yourself when you hear that inner critic rear up. For example, you could repeat “I accept myself just as I am” or “I am free to make my own choices about beauty.”

Focus on the positives. If you’re surrounded by people and media images that tell you how you look is unattractive, you may start to believe them. You may start to focus only on the things that you don’t like about yourself. Challenge this distortion by finding positive aspects to focus on. Try to identify something positive about yourself every time you find yourself thinking something negative about your appearance. For example, if you walk by a mirror and think “Wow, my teeth are so crooked,” take the time to balance that with something positive: “My smile tells others when I’m happy.” If you’re having a hard time finding anything attractive about yourself, try starting by focusing on the amazing things your body can do. Do you dance, run, laugh, breathe? Learn to appreciate your body for its usefulness, and you may find it easier to find things you like about it.

Stop “shoulding” on yourself. “Shoulding” is what happens when you start thinking about yourself in terms of “should” statements. For example, “I should be the same kind of beautiful as a supermodel” or “I should be a size 2” or “I should have different skin/hair/eyes/height/weight/whatever.” Using these “should” statements against yourself can make you feel guilty and sad. For example, one way that you may make yourself feel unattractive is by comparing yourself to actors and supermodels. Try to remember that in most cases, not even the models in ads and magazines look like that. Photoshop is often used to alter people’s appearance. Try using statements of fact to combat “should” statements. For example, if you often feel like you “should” have straighter teeth, challenge this thought by saying “My teeth are the way they are. They work great.”

Think about whether you would say the same thing to a friend. You may be much harder on yourself than you would be to a friend or loved one. When you find yourself thinking that you’re unattractive, consider whether you would criticize the same things in a friend. If you wouldn’t say that to someone you love, why would you say it to yourself? For example, if you are bothered by your weight, then you might look at yourself in the mirror and think “I’m so fat and ugly, nobody will ever think I’m attractive.” It’s unlikely that you would say that to a friend or family member. You probably don’t judge or even notice your loved ones’ weight. Give yourself the same compassion you give others.

Challenge all-or-nothing thinking. “All-or-nothing” thinking is when you see things in black and white. It is a distorted way of thinking. You might reject the idea that you are attractive at all because you have flaws. Try to remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and so are flaws. Every part of you can be an asset if you choose to view it that way. For example, supermodel Cindy Crawford was told to remove a mole on her face because it was “ugly.” Crawford turned it into her signature style instead and became one of the world’s most successful supermodels. When the lingerie brand Aerie stopped photoshopping their models and showed them with “flaws” like skin folds and freckles, their sales actually increased.

Building Your Confidence

Practice self-compassion. Criticizing yourself lowers your self-esteem. Criticizing yourself can also cause anxiety and depression. Counteract your self-criticism by learning to practice self-compassion. There are three components to self-compassion: Self-kindness. Just as you would not be cruel to a friend, you should not be cruel to yourself. Accept that imperfection is subjective. Remind yourself that there is no universal standard for perfection. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Common humanity. It can be easy to feel like you are the only one experiencing your suffering. Recognize that no one is perfect. Mindfulness. Mindfulness stems from the Buddhist practice of acknowledging your experiences and emotions without judgement. As you learn mindfulness, you will be able to remain in the moment, focused on your present experience.

Identify things that make you feel bad about yourself. Try to write down things that make you feel inadequate or unattractive. Write how these things make you feel. Try not to judge your feelings as you write, just be open and honest with yourself. Next, imagine the perspective of a friend who is unconditionally accepting and loving. If you are religious or spiritual, this perspective could be from a figure in your traditions. If you’re not, just imagine that you know someone who accepts you just as you are. Do not allow this imaginary friend to judge anything. They are only caring, kind, and accepting. Write a letter to yourself from this perspective. Imagine what this accepting friend would say in response to your thoughts on your inadequacy. How would they show you compassion? How would they remind you of your good qualities? What would they really think of those things you see as “flaws” or “unattractive”? Read over the letter when you start to feel down about your appearance. Be mindful of when those negative thoughts show up. This will help you work towards self-love and self-acceptance, rather than feeling unhappy because you don't meet an unrealistic image of perfection.

Make your own definition of “attractive.” Western culture has a very narrow and artificial definition of what “attractive” means. All too often, it means white, tall, thin, and young. You don’t have to accept this (or any) definition of beauty. Attractiveness is subjective, so let yourself break free from these social pressures to conform to a certain ideal. Think about what you find beautiful in your friends and loved ones. Humans tend to choose friends we believe are attractive in some way. What do you find beautiful in people you love? Chances are, your definition of attractiveness for your friends is broader than the standard you hold yourself to.

Find things you love about yourself. Try to make a list of things you love about yourself that have nothing to do with your physical appearance. Consider qualities about yourself that make you feel happy or confident. For example, you might think about how much you care for your friends, or how artistic you are. These don’t have to be qualities that make you above-average or extraordinary. The pressure to be extraordinary to have self-esteem is actually damaging. Are you a decent cook? Do you show up to work on time? Those are things to love too.

Keep a journal. Journaling is an excellent way to get in touch with your feelings. Each day, write down when you felt unattractive. Try to be specific: what did you feel was unattractive? What were you focused on? How did these thoughts make you feel? What happened just before and just after this feeling? Try to identify why you judged yourself this way. Sometimes, you may criticize your appearance if you’re dissatisfied with something else about yourself. Stress and anxiety can also affect how you see yourself.

Practice gratitude. Try to practice gratitude as part of your daily routine. People who practice gratitude are happier, more optimistic, and feel less isolated. They may even have stronger immune systems. If you are focused on what is good and positive in your life, it’s harder to think about what you don’t have. Gratitude is more than the feeling of being thankful. It is an active process. Your brain is wired to hang onto negative experiences and let go of positive ones, so you have to work to counteract that. Turn a positive fact into a positive experience. These facts don’t have to be anything big. It could be as simple as a stranger smiling at you on the street or noticing the flowers blooming in the park. Actively look around you for these positive moments. Be mindful and pay attention to them when they happen. Make positive experiences last longer. Try to focus on positive moments for at least a few seconds. The more you pay attention to positive moments, the more you will remember them -- and the more you will notice. Take a “mental photograph” or say something validating to yourself like “This moment is beautiful.” Absorb positive moments. Try to imagine that these positive experiences are soaking into you. Relax your body and focus on what your senses are experiencing. Think about the thoughts this experience has prompted.

Go shopping. It’s important not to use shopping as a crutch to make you feel better. But when you wear clothing you like or get a smart new haircut, you may feel more self-confident. Confidence in yourself will affect how you hold your body and present yourself to others, which can make you look and feel more attractive. Don’t go overboard with spending, or you will likely end up feeling worse about yourself. Don’t feel like you have to buy a whole wardrobe, either. Choose one or two nice pieces that you feel confident wearing.

Dress the body you have. It can be tempting to wait until you have your “ideal” body before you invest in clothes. Or, you may hide your body in clothes because you feel too large or too small. These things will damage how you feel about yourself. Buy what fits the body you have now to feel your best. How you dress has a direct impact on how you feel about yourself. Actors often say that getting into “costume” helps them get in touch with a character. Dress like the character you want to be, not the one your inner critic says you are. Clothes can change the way you behave as well. If there’s a type of clothing you find attractive, wear it! You may find yourself feeling more attractive too. Remind yourself that you are worth the effort. Wear clothes you love. Let your clothes express your personality and sense of style. Choose clothes that fit properly. Clothes that fit well increase others’ perception of physical attractiveness, even when the person in the clothes was the same person.

Exercise regularly. Exercising is a great way to get in shape, but it also releases endorphins, your body’s natural mood-boosting chemicals. Regular exercise may also increase your self-confidence and reduce anxiety. Getting regular moderate exercise over a 10-week period can help you feel more energetic, positive, and calm. Try not to hit the gym with the idea of “fixing” yourself. This focuses on negative aspects rather than positive ones, and is likely to be self-defeating. You may even find your workout harder than it would otherwise be if you’re focused on how bad you feel. Instead, focus on the care you are showing yourself by keeping your body -- however it looks -- healthy and happy.

Challenge media ideals of beauty. Airbrushed bodies and perfectly symmetrical features in popular media stereotypes of beauty may make you feel like there's something wrong with you. Even beauty products aimed at reducing “flaws,” such as cellulite cream or wrinkle remover, can make you feel worse about yourself. The effect that unhealthy media has on you can be dramatic. Exposure to unrealistic body depictions can lead to noticeable drops in mood and increases in body dissatisfaction. To see just how many of these beauty ideals are completely manufactured, do an internet search for "magazine Photoshop failures." There’s hardly an image out there that hasn’t been altered in some way.

Practicing with Others

Ask for support from friends. While you don’t want to become reliant on others for validation, it can help you to talk with your friends about your feelings. You may discover that your friends find things attractive about you that you hadn’t even thought of. Get a hug! Hugging and physical contact with loved ones releases oxytocin. This powerful hormone helps you feel loved and connected to others. It also boosts your mood. The physical warmth from a hug may also help you feel better.

Confront social anxieties. If you’re insecure about your appearance, you may avoid going to parties and gatherings because you worry about how others will view you. You may be afraid of being judged. While it may seem easier to stay at home, it won’t do anything to help you get over your insecurity or your anxiety. Rank your fears on a scale from worst to not-so-bad. For example, a hurtful comment to your face might rank as a 9 or 10. Being talked about might be a 7 or 8. What do you think will happen if you go to that social gathering? Write down your predictions and what you are afraid of. Test these fears. The only way you’ll be able to test whether your perceptions are accurate is to test them. Go to the party. Present yourself with the confidence and positivity you’ve learned. Try not to do “safety behaviors” such as avoiding eye contact or hiding in a corner. Observe what happens. What evidence do you have for your perceptions? For example, if you’re worried that everyone at the party will think you’re “too fat” to be wearing a cocktail dress, consider what evidence you have for that assumption. How do you know that’s what they’re thinking? Have other people at the party in a similar situation experienced this? Try to keep from catastrophizing. Argue with that mean inner critic.

Avoid people that give you a negative image of yourself. People may make hurtful jokes or comments about your appearance without realizing how it affects you. Others may make hurtful statements because they have never been taught not to judge others. Calmly let the person know how they're hurting your feelings and ask them to stop. If they do not stop their comments, avoid their company. Humans are social creatures, and our mood is often determined by who we spend time with. If you are surrounded by people who focus on appearance, or who make you feel bad about yourself, you will be more likely to feel insecure about your appearance. Fortunately, this also works the other way: if you’re around open and accepting people who don’t focus on appearances, you’ll probably feel better about yourself too. Sometimes, negative comments about your appearance can come from the other person’s own insecurities. These comments have more to do with how the other person feels about themselves than they do with you. If you're the victim of bullying, violence, or other abusive behavior, you don’t have to accept that. Report this behavior to an authority figure (school counselor, HR rep, etc.).

Recognize the signs of eating disorders. Sometimes, you may be so unhappy with your appearance that you take drastic and dangerous actions to change your body. If you are preoccupied with your weight, body shape or size, and food intake, you may end up adopting dangerous behaviors that can become an eating disorder. These are serious medical conditions, and you should seek professional medical help for them immediately. Anorexia nervosa occurs when you severely restrict your food intake. If you do eat, you feel extremely guilty about it. You may even compensate with excessive exercise or purging. Signs of anorexia include: Severe calorie restriction Feeling obsessed with the type and quantity of food you eat Maintaining rigid rules about what you eat Feeling “fat” even if you are not overweight Bulimia Nervosa occurs when individuals binge-eat large quantities of food and then perform purging behaviors such as vomiting, use of laxatives, or excessive exercise. As with other eating disorders, bulimia is linked with an obsession over one’s body shape, weight, or size. Signs of bulimia include: Feeling guilty about eating Feeling as though you cannot control what or how much you eat Feeling compelled to eat large quantities of food Binge-eating disorder is a relatively new diagnosis, but it is also a recognized medical disorder. The difference between it and the other major eating disorders is that binge-eating does not include “compensatory” behaviors such as purging or excessive exercising. Symptoms include: Feeling as though you cannot control what or how much you eat Feelings of guilt or disgust while or after eating Eating when you are not hungry or even when you’re full

Ask for help. Don't face your problems alone. Mild feelings of insecurity can usually be thwarted by making minor changes to your thought patterns and your habits. However, serious body image disorders are legitimate medical conditions that require professional help. If your feelings of ugliness or insecurity or so intense that they keep you from doing the things you like, or you feel like you might hurt yourself, seek help from a mental health professional. There are many types of mental health professionals. Psychiatrists and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners are usually the only ones who prescribe medications, and they may also offer therapy. Psychologists, Licensed Clinical Social Workers, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, and Licensed Professional Counselors may also offer therapy. Some people believe in the myth that seeking help is a sign of weakness. You may think that you “should” be able to handle your feelings all on your own. Remember how “should” statements are damaging. Seeking help is a courageous and caring thing to do for yourself!