Assessing the Apology
Pay attention to the phrasing of the apology. Note if they use “I” statements, such as “I realize now what I did was wrong and I regret what I did.” This shows that the person is taking responsibility for their actions, a key part of an effective apology. Also, listen to their tone of voice and their body language. Most people maintain eye contact and use a sincere tone of voice when they are apologizing. Avoidance of eye contact, or a flat or sarcastic tone, may signal that a person isn't being serious. An authentic apology should be direct and heartfelt. For example: “I realize now that what I did was wrong and I regret it. I apologize for my actions and hope you can find a way to forgive me.” Keep in mind that body language can vary based on a person's background and disability. For example, someone with social anxiety might avoid eye contact while being sincere. However, apathy speaks all languages, so a person who is ho-hum about saying sorry will be evident. Beware the "fauxpology" or non-apology. This can include such phrases as: "I am sorry you were offended by that"; "I'm sorry you feel that way"; "I didn't intend that"; "Mistakes were made but we can move on now", etc. These types of "apology" are a form of distancing the person who is apologizing from the act that caused harm and shows an unwillingness to take responsibility.
Watch for any passive aggressive phrasing in the apology. This may be a sign the apology is not genuine. If someone doesn't really want to apologize, they may be quick to point out how you were wrong, or blame you for most or all of what happened. This type of phrasing could be a sign that the apology is not heartfelt and is really a way for the person to pass responsibility or blame for what happened onto you or to not have to deal with the consequences of their actions. For example, a passive aggressive apology might be: “Well, I asked you to go to the party with me, but you refused. I went alone and lied to you about it. If you'd said yes in the first place, I wouldn't have had to lie. Sorry.” In the above example, this person may not be giving you an authentic apology and may just be leaning on a bad habit of using an insincere apology to get out of a sticky situation.
Rely on your gut instinct. For all the analysis you can do on a person's intentions, often your gut instinct can be a good gauge of whether or not to trust and accept the person's apology. Take a moment to consider the apology and listen to your gut feelings about the person and their apology. Ask yourself: Is your gut telling you the person is being honest and sincere? Did they ask for forgiveness and promise to not repeat the behavior? These are two key elements that are essential to a sincere apology. (The other key element discussed above is acceptance of responsibility and not blame-shifting.) Do you have any feelings of doubt or confusion around the person? If the apology creates in you a sense of "fear, obligation, guilt" (FOG for short or emotional blackmail), then it isn't an apology but rather a manipulation tactic designed to keep you under their control and to stop you from questioning their actions. Does the apology to you sound sincere?
Consider if you are ready to accept the person’s apology. Before you accept the apology, you may want to consider the context around the apology and how well you know the person. For example: If the person apologizing is a close friend or family member who already has a history of bad behavior, ask yourself if they're using apologies to try to avoid facing consequences. Prior bad behavior with promises to change that didn't eventuate can reveal a tendency to use apologizing as a crutch to evade taking responsibility for their actions. If a family member or partner is apologizing to you for something out of character and rare, you may be more amenable to accepting their apology. Is this person an habitual apologizer? In this case, it can be difficult to know when an apology is genuine because of their habit of excessively saying sorry can immunize you against their genuine apologies. To move beyond their "I'm sorry," check they've taken responsibility, shown regret, asked for forgiveness and have promised to not do it again.
Give yourself time or have a longer conversation if you need to. People make mistakes or hurt others for a variety of reasons. It's important that you are willing to move past the person’s mistake, especially if they offer a sincere apology. If you are still questioning whether or not you believe the person’s apologetic tone, you may want to have a longer conversation with them about your concerns. This may be a better approach than accepting an apology you do not believe is sincere and remaining resentful or upset, despite appearing to be okay with the situation. It also allows you to express clearly what it is exactly that has hurt you and to identify the harm they've caused that you'd like them to address.
Accepting the Apology
Thank the person for the apology. Start by telling the person you appreciate their apology and their willingness to make amends. This could be a simple, “Thank you for apologizing” or “I appreciate your apology, thank you.” Listen sincerely. It is both right and normal to expect a sincere apology but there is also a responsibility to genuinely listen to the apology. This means not interrupting, not criticizing and not starting an argument during or about the apology. Avoid brushing off the person’s apology by saying “It’s fine” or “It’s nothing”. This can hurt their feelings by making their apology seem unimportant and leave the situation unresolved. It can also give them a sense you are feeling hostile toward them, which can fester and prevent true resolution of the matter. If you need time to digest things still, make that clear, such as saying: "Thanks, I appreciate your apology. I am hurting still and just need time before I can feel that it's okay to trust this won't happen again." Be willing to show gratitude to the person for getting up the courage to apologize and admit their mistake.
Explain that your feelings were/remain hurt. Once you thank the person for their apology, it is valuable to make it clear that your feelings were/remain hurt and be specific about how the person has hurt you. This will indicate that you are being honest about your emotions and you are not being casual or flippant about the situation. You may say: “Thank you for apologizing. I was really hurt when you lied to me” or “I appreciate your apology, thank you. It hurt my feelings when you yelled at me in front of my parents.” Be clear and direct about how you felt when the person behaved badly, but don't use a passive aggressive tone and avoid criticizing them. Be as sincere and honest as they were when they apologized.
Say “I understand” rather than “it’s okay”. Finish the acceptance by saying you understand why the person did what they did and that you are willing to accept their apology and move forward. You may say: “I understand why you felt the need to lie and I accept your apology”. Phrases like “it’s okay” or “let’s forget it” won't make it clear if you accepted the apology. It may also come across as flippant, belittling and disrespectful, especially if the person was serious about their apology. Try to remember that it takes a lot of courage for anyone to admit they're wrong about something and treat their attempt as genuine until proven otherwise.
Reply to an apology text with clear, concise language. Getting an apology over text isn’t as good as getting one in person, but it’s the next best thing. If you do get an apology from someone via text message, you can follow the same steps as a normal acceptance, but make sure to spell it out clearly so the person knows how you’re feeling. Don’t let them off the hook just because they’re not in the room with you, and make sure they know how much they hurt you. For example, you could type out, “Thanks for your apology, I needed to hear that. I was really hurt the other day when you were ignoring me in class, but I understand what you were going through and how bad your day was.” You can also request to talk to the person face to face or via video chat instead of texting about it.
Putting Your Acceptance into Action
Try to get back to normal. You’ve accepted someone’s apology—now what? Things might feel a little awkward at first, and you both might get a little uncomfortable. However, if you can push through that and change the topic of conversation or move on from it, you can begin to accept the person back into your life and get your relationship back on track. Things might not feel normal right away, and you might still need some time after the person has apologized. Expect a little bit of a rough patch following the apology. You can even address the awkwardness (if there is any) by saying something like, “Well, that’s over now. Should we get back to business as usual?” Or, “Okay, let’s stop being so serious now.”
Work on forgiveness by practicing self-soothing. Although you accepted someone’s apology, it might be harder to get over than you thought. When you think about the bad thing that happened to you, you might feel anxious, sad, or stressed all over again, which is totally normal. If you are working toward forgiveness, you can do some self-soothing methods, like deep breathing, meditation, or other self-care methods that relax you. That way, you can ease the pain of what happened and work on feeling better about the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness doesn’t happen immediately, and it may never happen at all. Be open to forgiveness, but don’t expect it overnight.
Suggest spending quality time with the person. Another way to put your forgiveness into action is to show the person that you are actively striving to accept their apology by setting the restart button. Suggest spending quality time together to show the person you still enjoy their company and want to continue to be friends. If you need to, remind them that you are working on forgiveness but that while pain is still fresh, ask that they don't try to act like things are normal again; after all, both of you are now trying for a new normal and that this is about healing after the harm. Plan an activity where you both have to work together, like playing a sport, going on a day hike, doing a community class together, etc. This could show that you're willing to rebuild trust and renew friendship. Suggest doing something that you both enjoyed in the past as a way to show you're willing to move past any negativity and focus on the positive times instead.
Be prepared if any issues or problems arise between you and the person again. While you should commit yourself to trying to fully trust the person again, especially if they give you a heartfelt apology and you accept it, you should also be on the look out for warning signs. These could be small moments that indicate the person may make the same mistake again or may be falling back into bad habits that could lead to an issue and the need for another apology. Try to steer the person away from making another mistake or hurting you again like they did before. For example, if the person is starting to show up late for your dates again, mention it, as they may not be aware of it. Remind them that you find it hurtful when they do this. This may help encourage them to work harder.
Dealing with Tough Situations
End the relationship if you can’t move on. Forgiving someone is one thing, but forgetting is another. Even if you forgave someone, you might not be able to move on from what they’ve done. In that case, you should end the relationship for the benefit of both of you. Healthy relationships can’t thrive if there’s resentment on either end. You can say something like, “I accepted your apology the other day, but I’m just not sure I can move on from what you did. I’m sorry, but I think we’re going to have to split.” Or, “Your friendship means a lot to me, but I’m still thinking about what happened last month. I don’t think I’ll be able to move on, and I need to take some time for myself.”
Be wary of people who continue their bad behavior. Giving someone a second chance is fine. But a third one? Or a fourth? There comes a time when someone is only apologizing because they know you’ll accept it and they can walk all over you. If your friend or partner continues to do something bad and then apologize for it, they may not be apologizing for the right reasons. Eventually, you may have to end the relationship if they don’t correct their behavior. The best apology is done with actions, not words. If someone continues to do something that they know will hurt you, they aren’t actually sorry about it.
Agree with someone who over-apologizes. If there is someone in your life who won’t stop apologizing, it’s probably because they feel really guilty. However, hearing “I’m sorry” 20 times in a row can be grating, and it might make you feel worse than what they did before. To get the person to stop apologizing, try agreeing with them. Instead of saying “It’s okay, it’s fine,” try “You know what? You’re right. You did hurt my feelings, and I’m glad you’re apologizing.” Usually, this will be enough to snap them out of it and it might make you both feel better.
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