- Girls are often raised to be obedient, warm, and loyal, which can result in “good girl syndrome” or the fear of advocating for yourself and being socially rejected.
- You may suffer from “good girl syndrome” if you have trouble saying no, struggle to speak up for yourself, or are afraid to upset others.
- To combat “good girl syndrome,” set healthy boundaries for yourself by saying no when necessary and explore your own values by asking yourself what’s important to you.
What is “good girl syndrome”?
“Good girl syndrome” is a mindset where people associate their “goodness” with their worth. Following societal norms, young girls are often taught to be obedient, warm, and loyal, whereas young boys are often taught to be independent, assertive, and dominant. As a result, young girls can develop a fear of advocating for themselves or of confrontation of any kind. This leads to the subversion of their personal desires in favor of putting the needs of others first. Gerda Lerner, author of The Creation of the Patriarchy, calls gender a “costume, mask, a straightjacket” that influences people’s actions. Young girls and women, in particular, are expected to be constantly likable and supportive of others, which ultimately constrains them to equate the desires of others as more important than their own. “Good girls” often feel confined to follow societal rules, thus limiting their creativity, as they feel that taking a non-conventional path, such as being an entrepreneur or prioritizing their own needs over the needs of their family, will make them social outcasts.
Signs You’re Suffering from “Good Girl Syndrome”
You believe you have to be nice to be loved. While it’s important to treat people with respect and kindness, victims of “good girl syndrome” often take people pleasing to the next level and are willing to sacrifice their own comfort to satisfy others. Your worth is not equal to how much you do for others, caring for yourself and respecting your own needs is just as important, if not more—as they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup! Someone with “good girl syndrome” may accept poor treatment from those around them because they weren’t being “nice” enough. In reality, they are likely being treated poorly because those around them know they can get away with it.
You force yourself to stay quiet and not push boundaries. “Good girl syndrome” tends to manifest into a fear of being judged, so it’s unsurprising that it makes speaking up for yourself a challenge! Those suffering from “good girl syndrome” will often avoid necessary confrontations in the workplace, at school, or at home, for fear of shame or rejection because a “good girl” is complacent and doesn’t question societal norms. For example, if a male coworker treated a " good girl " poorly, she would likely not report this behavior for fear of being seen as a troublemaker. Instead, reporting her coworker would protect her from harassment and ensure she gets the professional treatment she deserves.
You have a hard time saying no. Those with “good girl syndrome” often see “no” as a bad word and push themselves to exhaustion to please others. Instead of setting healthy boundaries by saying “no” when they’re uncomfortable, too tired, or simply don’t have the time to do something, “good girls” will force themselves to say yes because they’re afraid saying “no” will make them seem selfish, uncaring, and less than “good.” “Good girls” are vulnerable to ending up in a toxic, codependent, abusive, or manipulative relationship due to their difficulty saying no, and unshakable devotion to others. It’s important for “good girls” to recognize that setting healthy boundaries doesn’t make them any less “good”; instead, it will help them out of a toxic cycle. If you continuously say “yes” and give without ever getting, you will become bored and tired. Taking action and saying “no” protects your peace.
You’re afraid to upset others. Because “good girls” are taught from a young age that they’re responsible for the actions and emotions of others, they’re afraid to do anything but bend over backward to ensure those around them are always taken care of and in a good mood. When they’re not, those suffering from a “good girl complex” feel they’re to blame and must have done something wrong to warrant negative behavior from those around them. For example, someone with “good girl syndrome” might think it’s their fault their husband had a bad day at work and yelled at them. In reality, they did nothing wrong and had nothing to do with a situation totally outside their control.
You set incredibly high standards for yourself. People with “good girl syndrome” often impose extreme pressure on themselves to succeed as a mother, daughter, friend, worker, you name it because they're afraid to disappoint those around them. Additionally, “good girls” often compare themselves to others they deem to be more successful than them and treat themselves poorly or develop mental health issues for not looking like them or having what they have. Good girl syndrome doesn’t stop at acting perfect; it extends to looking perfect too. This constant need for perfection inherently sets up people with “good girl syndrome” for failure, as perfection is unattainable no matter who you are.
You struggle to advocate for yourself sexually. “Good girl syndrome” can not only affect a woman’s ability to set healthy boundaries and communicate openly and honestly, but it can also affect her sex life. Those suffering from “good girl syndrome” feel pressured to maintain a pure image by treating sex like a bad thing. When she does have sex, she likely has trouble speaking up for herself by expressing what she’s interested in rather than defaulting to her partner’s preferences. For example, if a “good girl” isn’t being satisfied by her partner during sex, she’ll likely never bring this up for fear of hurting her partner’s feelings. This neglect of one’s needs often leads to depression, feelings of neglect, and anxiety.
Overcoming “Good Girl” Syndrome
Prioritize your own needs over others. Think of yourself as someone you care about—if they were struggling, how would you treat them? A “good girl” would devote herself to nurturing the needs of others, and that’s exactly what they must do for themselves to break the cycle. The more you prioritize your own needs by listening to how you’re feeling, the better you’ll be able to support others (there’s no need to compromise!). What to Do: Set healthy boundaries by communicating openly and honestly with the people in your life. If there’s something you’re uncomfortable with or have a need that isn’t being met (sexually, emotionally, physically), you have a right to say so!
Recognize that “no” isn’t a bad word. Saying no to something you don’t want to do is tough for anyone, but especially tough for those with “good girl syndrome.” Think of the word “no” as a superpower. Instead of making you less than your “good girl” image, it protects you from doing anything you don’t want to do, leading to a healthier, balanced life—say yes to no! What to Do: If someone asks you to help them with something, take on a responsibility you’re not prepared for, you name it, just say no—you don’t owe anyone anything. For example, you might say, “No, thank you. I have a lot going on and need to prioritize my other commitments.”
Establish your own values. Victims of “good girl syndrome” often lose sight of their own morals and values because they’re constantly following the rules of others. To combat this, take time to self-reflect on what’s important to you—being the best you can be according to your own standards is most important. What to Do: In a journal, answer reflective prompts like, “What do I care about?” or “How would I define what a good person is?” Your honest answers will help guide you to becoming your own person—remember, you don’t have to hide anything from yourself!
Affirm your self-worth with affirmations. People with a “good girl complex” often suffer from low self-esteem because they often set extremely high standards for themselves and feel responsible for the actions of others. Repeating daily affirmations are particularly useful in reminding those with “good girl syndrome” that they are dazzling, wonderful people regardless of what anyone else thinks about them. What to Do: Start your day off right by repeating affirmations every morning, such as “I am kind, intelligent, and smart” or “I am worthy just the way I am,” to empower yourself.
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